Feeling discouraged

We're almost past the third month of the new year and I have yet to feel or experience any positivity just stress aggravation and setbacks.  I have the stress of trying to maintain a job that I loathe and the stress of paying rent that no one should have to pay such an exorbitant amount of just to have a roof over your head that you'll never own by the way. The commute, being a single mother to a 5 yr old who is high functioning autistic who can be a handful most of the time and bills that are there but most of the don't care about and to top it off I'm pregnant again and most women would be thrilled I'm wondering how I'm going to balance two kids and everything else and last but not least I have a person who is an addict in my home which has caused me a tremendous amount of stress and I'm to the point I feel trapped by all of this the system sucks they detox people and discharge them for outpatient services that most of them don't even attend or are just a bandaid to a very serious problem after the third trip to er and more half ass bandaids by the nyc health and hospitals system he's back at my doorstep yet again and has resumed drinking again this is not what I expected to come home to after a long annoying commute home and I'm just fed up already it's my home and I feel like I have no control I just pay the rent smdh. I have a mother who is an unrealistic enabler who never gave him the a$$ kicking he really needs and because she can't have him in her place it's mine and it's caused a rift in our relationship but I have to start putting my foot down I'm tired of living like this I struggle enough with my own issues and while I helped up to a certain point there comes a point where you can't do anymore for someone  and it has to come from them.  I have a son to.think about the child I'm carrying and my own sanity and I have to admit I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted I'm depressed alot and always in a bad mood and it's no good for anyone.  I had a threatened miscarriage a few weeks ago and I really think a big part of it was stress and just that I have a history of this with my previous pregnancy as well.  While I know addiction is a disease I can't help but feel anger resentment and tired of hearing the same promises beginnings only to be on track for a while and fall back down each time deeper than the previous and I'm tired I saw others experience this in the family and I can see why they feel the way they do this has been a pattern for over twenty something years and there has to be an end to it.  There are days that I just feel like packing my bags and disappearing to a new place where I know no one. Many people think it's nice to have family near it can be a blessing and a curse. It's the biggest mistake I've ever made sadly and hope to rectify in the future. All I want to have is a peaceful life perfect doesn't exist but peace and serenity are necessary and in order for this to happen I have to distance myself from the things that are bringing me down which means having to make a lot of hard decisions as to where to move what school districts have the services he needs away from family my significant other also has family baggage to be fair I think we all do to some degree but I'm not taking no one else's as I don't expect them to take on my stuff. 

hair part 2

In January I posted a blog how hair defines us and my plan was to go to the Devachan Salon in the village and well it's been a while since I've blogged on here but I chickened out and didn't go. I read a few yelp reviews and some You Tube reviews and decided not to take the plunge. I ordered Wen around the same time and with every hair product that I've tried I hoped for good results and one product I can stick to instead of being on the journey of finding yet another styling product another shampoo, conditioner, etc. I ordered the Wen promotional kit in Pomegranate and I have to say not a fan at all. In fact I don't think I can be a fan of co washing or these no poo or low poo cleansers. While I realize sulfates aren't the best but I need my scalp to be cleansed too. I used a whole bottle and I found that my hair always looked knotted and dirty and you have to use a lot of product. I was fed up and started using regular shampoo again and it seemed like my hair could breathe again. I don't recommend Wen at least not for my hair type which is very curly and dry at times. I was also told by one of their reps that I should've gotten their lavendar or fig products which are more for my hair type of how convenient that none of those are options are available with their promo kits. I call the company that's supposed to have award winning customer service and I'm persuaded in every way not to cancel and was told I'd receive a free bottle of lavender cleansing conditioner I'll try it but I doubt very much I will be reordering this product again and so the search continues. As for the haircut I'm still thinking it over whether or not I will give devachan salon a try as it's very expensive but I also want a style that's easy to manage and care for.  I realize everyone's experience is different so I won't go on yelp and you tube overload again.

Avonte Oquendo's remains identified - New York News

Avonte Oquendo's  

In October this case was reported to the media and it broke my heart that this type of thing could happen but as a parent and a parent of a child with autism it.infuriated me because there was no.reason for.this to occur.other than gross negligence on behalf of the school safety officers,his aides, and personnel autistic children are very easily distracted and frightened they don't like loud.noises to be touched too much and many are attracted to subway trains and water.  I never understood why he wasn't physically restrained when he tried to flee there were plenty of school safety staff around and how aren't they trained to approach a child with autism especially ones who are nonverbal being.employed in a school where special education children attend.  I lost my son a few years ago in a street fair in my neighborhood and it was the most terrible feeling not to know where he was and I looked in a store where I knew he liked the bikes and toys I asked someone they saw him I zoomed to kids clothing store and there he was I of course from other people looked like a terrible parent someone made a remark that I should've been watching him etc I was so relieved that I found him safe I tuned the idiot out however when I left the store the cops were waiting for me and I had to explain his condition etc thank goodness they were cool about it and gave him a stern talking to never again did he disappear.  I had always had hopes over the months that this child would be found safe and returned to his family but sadly some remains were discovered in the river in queens and his identity was confirmed I was heartbroken that this poor family has to endure such an inconsolable loss like this and I can't help what wonder what his last moments were like but I hope his spirit is at peace.  I ask myself why does a tragedy like this have to happen so that the Board of Education and these other overpaid clockwatchers can make the changes in protocol so that another child doesn't suffer the same fate.  The special education community the Autism community deserves more and better programs and people who are trained to educate and treat them with dignity and respect not meeting minimum standards overcrowded overburdened underpaid and let me dare say unqualified.

This is a sad update to the initial blog I wrote four months ago.  Peace prayers to the family.

Android vs. IPhone

I've always had Android phones for and I currently have the galaxy s 3 but I have to say that I'm getting bored with it. One of things I hate most about this phone is it's terrible battery life. I can use it for a short time and the green bar is almost halfway.down and another thing is the Wi-Fi connection there are times I have to restart this phone several times a day I don't know if that's the area I'm in or the cell phone company's issue but I think I'm ready for a change. The most recent operating system upgrade I downloaded I hate it just guessing I think it's android 4.0 icecream sandwich it's not user friendly and it took me a long time just to find the options to put a pin# to protect my phone I know one thing I look for is user friendly not having to jump through hoops just to do simple tasks. There's always a risk with upgrades that they will either take away a few good things and maybe add one to three new things and add a expensive price tag.

I've always liked Apple products the computers etc but they're way out of my league financially. There is never an issue with viruses and the system is very straight forward and easy to use and I'm hoping there'd be a better battery life than my current phone I never considered the iPhone before because you needed a contract and the providers who sold it are very expensive and no insurance coverage so since none of these are issues no more I think I'm ready for a change and I'm looking at getting the iPhone 5s I know it's going to be a sacrifice but from what I heard from someone as recently as last weekend he said he loves it so much he'd never go back to android and will upgrade when the new one comes out.  I'm ready for change  but before I take the plunge and purchase it I will go to the store and mess around with it first before making the final choice it will be an adjustment as it is with anything new but I think I will be happy with it in the long run

Time to move on

I've been contemplating this move for a long time but economic necessity and my son and a shitty economy has held me back from making it happen. I've been at same place for 7 years and through those years I've seen a lot of people come and go good people that you're sad to see go and some not I see that a lot of people use this place as means to gain knowledge experience and move on and that's what I thought I'd do too but I winded up staying a lot longer than I expected I got married had my son got divorced and lately I've seen a change in the staff here and it's starting to leave a bad.taste in my mouth. There are certain people who.shouldn't be in supervisory or management positions they lack the professionalism it takes to do the job efficiently when you have a.person who treats you a certain way makes notice of.things only you do something as petty as ring tone while four other worker's phones go off you've got to wonder it's personal and or if it's something deeper within themselves I think it's personal  I've had to.bring this to.the manager's attention in the past and it wasn't easy because I don't like drama anyplace especially work related but I had already had.enough and while I saw some change a leopard doesn't change their spots and I see the same behaviors come out here and there. You come to a point where you get tired of the office politics and bs and I have I've been there before at my first job I dreaded coming to work and they say when that happens it's time to go and when I did I felt like a whole weight was lifted off of me but I also didn't have a son to support so it made the.decision that.much easier.  Not too toot my own horn I consider myself to be an intelligent person with a lot to offer but I don't see myself advancing here I see myself stagnant and this just.being a.dead.end due to politics and no available City opportunities to take advantage of.  A city job to most people especially here in NY is a hot commodity and a privilege and great benefits etc yes there are perks but there's also a lot of nonsense too like having money for computers and hyper educated people with huge salaries but there's no cost of living raise for the support staff who really make this city run to ease the pinch of the forever rising cost of living in this city and gentrification a word and action I despise because it's pricing people out and pretty soon we will have the very wealthy and poor. The middle-class can't afford to live here no more 1500-2000 for rent which can easily be someone's monthly income who has money for extra or to save. I used to think it was the best thing but as the years pass I realize not everything is what it seems It may take me a while but if I achieve anything this year I want it to be a new job it's always scary to embark on a new journey but if we don't spread our wings we'll never know what's there to explore. I've conquered this already I've learned a.great deal and.met some.great people along the.way but.it's.time to say farewell

Bridgegate: Who's who? - New York News

Bridgegate: Who's who? - New York News

This is based on the recent scandal that broke out in the news about the New Jersey chief of Staff ordering lane closures leading to Fort Lee NJ in retaliation for not endorsing republican candidate for governor of the state Chris Christie.  I'm not a fan of his by any means but I see that he's not the typical republican candidate you see on the news channels like Fox CNN and all over the media which is why I think many republican conservatives don't like him because they think he's too moderate I guess but getting back to the link it identifies all of the people responsible for these lane closures that caused hours of gridlock traffic and many other inconveniences and all for what?  It baffles me that in this day and age of technology and social media that this former chief of staff would stoop so low to write this email and think she wouldn't be caught for doing so.  Many people seem to forget at work where ever office you work at be it a high position of authority like hers or any other office job you have no right to privacy there's even a disclosure at my job telling you this before you log on whatever you do the computer department can find out and don't ever think because you hit that delete key that what you do cannot be retrieved it can it be recovery software or a very skilled IT person so people need to be careful what they do at work.  Just reading the remark it's time to cause some trouble sounds very immature infantile I think it was very poor judgement on all of this staff part and I think they all deserve to lose their jobs because of what they did and many people are implicating that the governor knew all about it that remains to be known and he can apologize all he wants at the end of the day an investigation will be done and people will be held accountable as these people were.  No one deserves retribtuion simply because they didn't endorse someone in their campaign for office the last time I checked we can pick whomever we want that's why we have the right to vote and freedom of choice. 

20th anniversary of the Metro card

The MetroCard is celebrating 20 years of swiping this week, but it has only several years of life left as the MTA devises the next fare payment system. The replacement for the iconic subway token was introduced in 1994 at the Whitehall Street and Wall Street stations. The cards, originally blue with gold lettering, were brought to the rest of the subway system in 1997. But for all the beneficial changes the MetroCard brought to riders -- free transfers, 30-day unlimited rides, faster boarding times and the end of two-fare zones -- a 20-year anniversary is not necessarily a milestone to celebrate. "I was hoping we wouldn't have it this long," said Andrew Albert, an MTA board member. "I think New Yorkers will be very happy when we can put the MetroCard to bed." The MetroCard system is at the end of its useful life and will be too costly to maintain past 2019, the MTA has said. In its place, the agency envisions a new open system that would allow outside companies to develop multiple ways for riders to pay their fare. That could include bank-issued contactless "tap-and-go" smart cards, smartphones or account-based devices. "Part of this whole effort is to provide customers with more options in terms of how to pay their fare," MTA spokesman Kevin Ortiz said. The system would also allow a rider, for example, to transfer from a subway to a commuter rail "seamlessly, with one device, one method of payment," Ortiz said. The new technology would also be a money saver for the MTA, which is responsible for vending machine and turnstile maintenance. "Every dime you save is a dime less the fare has to go up," said Bill Henderson, executive director of the citizens advisory committee to the MTA. In 2006, the MTA tested contactless payment system as a possible replacement for the MetroCard. The idea to phase out the MetroCard gained traction under MTA chief Jay Walder, who had introduced the Oyster Card in London. Walder in 2010 tested a contactless smart card system on parts of the Lexington line, the PATH and seven city buses; he resigned from the MTA a year later. Meanwhile, transit agencies in Chicago, Philadelphia and Atlanta have moved their payment system into the 21st century. But the MTA is optimistic that a fully functional and integrated system will be in place by 2020, Ortiz said. He added the MTA hopes to have request for proposal out this year. "I'm probably a little frustrated by the pace," said Allen Cappelli, an MTA board member. "Once you start embracing technology, you want it yesterday." On my way to work I usually pick up the free newspaper AMNY or Metro and in today's AMNY I came across this short article and I can't believe how fast time flies. In 1994 I was in my junior year of high school with no responsibilities no bills a figure I wish I had now and we were using tokens and on privately owned buses dollar bills and change. I remember when I got my first metro card I didn't even know how to use it in the bus and unlike tokens I had to remember to check the balance on the card to make sure I had enough to ride the train and bus. Eventually they did away with tokens and dollar bill acceptance and the buses became all owned by the MTA. The introduction of the metro card made things easier for people also more affordable no more two fare zones and a free transfer from subway to bus. 20 years have gone by so fast I graduated high school in June 1995 so this making me feel ancient now but I'm guessing they didn't think the usage of this card would last this long I can't see how they want to retire these cards and use something else. I'm a firm believer if it's not broken don't fix it this would involve millions to install new fare boxes on the buses and turnstiles on the trains when all that money can be used to keep the fare from going up and improving the service which leaves a lot to be desired depending on what train you ride everyday The only thing I wish was still the same is the 1.25 fare it was back in 1994. Over the years the fare has gone up the values have also come and gone too back in those days you could get a fun pass for $4 and ride around unlimited till 2-3 am the next morning. Change can bring good and bad now the fare is 2.50 and the cost of a monthly metro card is now $112 a big difference from $63 a month and we have newer trains that announce the stops but are smaller and narrower and are also noisier for now I will keep using my card if they can figure out a better way down the road more power to them I think it's best to keep it simple I don't want another app or to use my phone leaving it vulnerable to be hacked with the many breaches already in banks and stores like Target recently that's something they'd really need to ensure that nothing like this can happen so we will see what the coming years bring.