We're almost past the third month of the new year and I have yet to feel or experience any positivity just stress aggravation and setbacks. I have the stress of trying to maintain a job that I loathe and the stress of paying rent that no one should have to pay such an exorbitant amount of just to have a roof over your head that you'll never own by the way. The commute, being a single mother to a 5 yr old who is high functioning autistic who can be a handful most of the time and bills that are there but most of the don't care about and to top it off I'm pregnant again and most women would be thrilled I'm wondering how I'm going to balance two kids and everything else and last but not least I have a person who is an addict in my home which has caused me a tremendous amount of stress and I'm to the point I feel trapped by all of this the system sucks they detox people and discharge them for outpatient services that most of them don't even attend or are just a bandaid to a very serious problem after the third trip to er and more half ass bandaids by the nyc health and hospitals system he's back at my doorstep yet again and has resumed drinking again this is not what I expected to come home to after a long annoying commute home and I'm just fed up already it's my home and I feel like I have no control I just pay the rent smdh. I have a mother who is an unrealistic enabler who never gave him the a$$ kicking he really needs and because she can't have him in her place it's mine and it's caused a rift in our relationship but I have to start putting my foot down I'm tired of living like this I struggle enough with my own issues and while I helped up to a certain point there comes a point where you can't do anymore for someone and it has to come from them. I have a son to.think about the child I'm carrying and my own sanity and I have to admit I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted I'm depressed alot and always in a bad mood and it's no good for anyone. I had a threatened miscarriage a few weeks ago and I really think a big part of it was stress and just that I have a history of this with my previous pregnancy as well. While I know addiction is a disease I can't help but feel anger resentment and tired of hearing the same promises beginnings only to be on track for a while and fall back down each time deeper than the previous and I'm tired I saw others experience this in the family and I can see why they feel the way they do this has been a pattern for over twenty something years and there has to be an end to it. There are days that I just feel like packing my bags and disappearing to a new place where I know no one. Many people think it's nice to have family near it can be a blessing and a curse. It's the biggest mistake I've ever made sadly and hope to rectify in the future. All I want to have is a peaceful life perfect doesn't exist but peace and serenity are necessary and in order for this to happen I have to distance myself from the things that are bringing me down which means having to make a lot of hard decisions as to where to move what school districts have the services he needs away from family my significant other also has family baggage to be fair I think we all do to some degree but I'm not taking no one else's as I don't expect them to take on my stuff.
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