post christmas

It's the day after Christmas and I should be in my warm bed and sleeping in but I'm at work with the skeleton crew staff for after the holiday. I missed the deadline to take off but I'm making sure I'm not missing it again next year. It was very hard for me to get out of bed this morning into the shower and out the front door both of us. It was a quiet Christmas like I anticipated it to be. I've been going through alot and my significant other was alone for the second year in a row because his father flew out of state to visit his sister and the rest of his family is out of state. No one should spend the holidays alone and it makes me angry that no one thought of him not even his own father to see if maybe they could help him out with airline tickets, nothing but people are quick to complain why you don't see them often enough I've experienced this and sometimes money has a lot to do with it airline travel isn't what it once was and neither is the cost. I know nothing about the west coast but from what I see the tickets are very expensive. I saw him cry and it broke my heart to see him hurting I tried to make it a good holiday but nothing takes the place of family. My brother showed up on Christmas Eve and I felt tired that day because I had to work you'd think they'd people go home early that day nope not this place. On Christmas Eve I went to pick up the food I'd ordered and it was good food but would I order food again probably not. I'd rather make my own to be honest with you. Christmas Eve he made a lasagna I will give him an A for effort but it didn't come out right while it didn't taste bad it was too much sauce or meat we all ate but he felt bad I said don't feel bad I've done my fair share of bombs in the kitchen many failed attempts at arroz con pollo, pork chops that were like hockey pucks, a cake from scratch that was a stale mess raw on the inside everyone messes up something no one is perfect the important thing that we were together. My son went with his father for Christmas Eve and this is the part of divorce that's never easy splitting the holidays but since this was the first time he'd gotten both holidays off I let him go for Christmas Eve he came home after 3 and I can sense the akwardness I said Merry Christmas to him we opened gifts my son was very happy when he saw the Nintendo Box but still asked where the PS Vita was these kids lol. I told him Santa ran out of them. After he opened his gifts I saw he quickly left and I can see the sadness for a moment there I also felt it too but I tried to focus on my son and his happiness with xmas and serving dinner. Besides the food I made coconut flan for dessert everyone else loved it but me I'm my own worse critic still trying to perfect the recipe. After eating I felt extremely tired almost falling asleep but I'm relieved that the holidays are over I'm hoping that next year the emotional financial situations are better and we are all in better spirits because this year has been a rough one and I am looking forward to a brand new year and a fresh start,.

the grinch

It's Thursday night and I'm home beside the Christmas tree and while everyone has the holiday spirit and is probably doing holiday shopping and food preparations the only thing I have up is my xmas tree and I'm reminded of the holidays by watching many a holiday cartoon special when my son is home or hearing holiday music on the radio but am I in the holiday spirit this year? No. These past few years haven't been easy for me but I think so far this has been pretty rough I didn't even do holiday cards this year I was planning on making a small dinner but even that I've scratched off my list. Have I become the Grinch? A broke Grinch perhaps but also someone who is experiencing a lot of stress sadness disappointment anger frustration in life right now due to financial issues and family issues. Last night was another day another dollar and as I pray every day a safe uneventful commute home with minimal b.s. did the usual unwind prepare dinner do homework with jr bath and off to bed. After putting him down I usually retreat to the TV for some final down time usually consisting of watching my shows of choice Law & Order, CSI, ID, and maybe food network. It was getting close to 11 pm and I'm ready to go to bed and my door opens and it's him again with the same unwanted pest. I was shocked but infuriated because I know I speak English and I made it clear what the rules were in my house I wanted to scream curse but I remained calm and finally my eyes couldn't stay open much longer I tell them I'm going to bed and I got attitude from him and they left and off to bed I went but when you have a lot of shit on your mind and your angry your adrenaline is pumping it took a while but I fell out and got up at 6 a.m. I am officially done! I've had it and today I let this person know that they will have to make other arrangements and they need to get clean and sober and I'm very disappointed with the path that they've chosen to take in their life I ask myself why? why our family? why can't people do the right thing or get their lives together? I'm far from perfect but this is not something I can continue to put up with. I'm now the bad rat because I put my foot down my mother seems to forget that it's my home my rules and rules apply no matter where you live you follow or you get out. I can't believe the amount of guilt family can put on us when we stand up for ourselves. This is doesn't make me love a person any less, it means you need help and while I've tried I can no longer do it and I'm not even qualified to provide the help that's needed here. All of a sudden I'm being made to feel as if I'm ungrateful and I quote my life revolves on my relationship with this new person that made me so angry because it's so untrue. I bust my a** working 35 hours a week to try and survive and it's for MY SON and to keep things running at home and yes this person is a very important part of my life. I have every right to have him in my life, because I as well as everyone deserves to have happiness in their life I went through plenty of toads before we finally met and why should I give that up? I won't. I've learned this lesson many times in my life but in different ways You cannot please everyone. Tough love is the hardest love we have to give but many times it's the love people NEED. I've tried to fight back tears at work and now home yes this bad rat actually is sad and upset besides being angry I actually have feelings too. I also unfortunately work Christmas Eve which totally sucks and the day after so I will be another member of the skeleton crew again. I missed the deadline to take off because it seems like every time I want to save up hours something comes up. My body and mind are exhausted and I'm dire need of a vacation and I'm going to make it happen this year 2014 come hell or high water. This holiday season will be a simple and somber one we plan to order some food from Boston Market this year and while I'd rather make my own especially since I've gotten into the cooking thing me working and life's circumstances just aren't permitting it. I guess there's always next year. Sunday I plan to go to the store and pick up my son's very special surprise for Christmas and I've come to the point that as long he has a nice Christmas with things to enjoy that's what important to me. I try to be thankful for the things I do have but right now what I need is strength and peace to overcome this hurdle right now. 2014 needs to be a healthier prosperous joyous year.

withered wednesday

December has arrived and it's been a long hard year and I wish I had the holiday spirit but I don't not even close towhat it used to be it seems like I'm an indentured servant working to pay rent and bills many a time I cannot coverall of my expenses so one bill will get paid the other will not and I ask myself am I destined to live such a miserable existence? I find myself in a bad mood most of the time wondering how I'm going to manage it all and all I wind up with is a big headache. I roll out of bed in the morning wishing I could just stay in my warm bed and not have to deal with the freezing weather and commuter stupidity. Friday is the office xmas party and I'm not going notonly am I not in the mood but I don't socialize with anyone outside of work past few parties have been boring musical chairs for real,? I'll pass thanks. On monday I got a little bit of xmas spirit when I came home from work to see my son greet me with a red hat and want to decorate the tree which we did and now the cat has a new place to sleep and the other kitten will play with and knock down ornaments. I work xmas eve so more likely than not even though the Latinos celebrate the 24th I will make something for the 25th. I also work the day after xmas which sucks but if I'm still here next year I'm making sure I'm off for both thanksgiving and day after xmas. I submitted copies of my receipts to the greedy jerk and I haven't received anymore threatening mail I guess it's because he knows that he doesn't have a legal leg to stand on I paid it all the rest is up to you. I think one of the few good things goingon in my life is my relationship with my guy he's a wonderful person and source of support he makes me see some of sort of optimism when I don't see or feel none. This weekend I saw some of my extended family which doesn't happen very often due to distance and life overall it's nice to see people but to some degree I feel we are like strangers especially after my grandmother died. This weekend I got into a disagreement with my brother and he left the house. Why is it when you stand up for yourself and put your foot down you're the bad rat well I am now due to saying what I will not allow in my home. It's hard to see someone who was doing so well making all the wrong choicesand is seeing someone whose a bad influence he makes it seem like I've kicked him out which I didn't but wherever you go there are rules to follow he plans to seek another facility I hope he's successful but I've given my home etc and this is not what I deserve in return but that's how families are we take each other for grantedand think family is required to put up with things. I see his absence having a traumatic effect on my son because he's very close to his uncle but the boundaries need to be in place and he needs to worry about getting back on track and taking care of his health issues. I see this situation having a negative effect on the holiday celebrations even though I didn't plan on this happening when something bothers us we have to address it immediately not let things build up that's my fault but only time will tell how things turn out I'm hoping that the coming year will bring me good luck good health new beginning for us and some positivity.