withered wednesday

December has arrived and it's been a long hard year and I wish I had the holiday spirit but I don't not even close towhat it used to be it seems like I'm an indentured servant working to pay rent and bills many a time I cannot coverall of my expenses so one bill will get paid the other will not and I ask myself am I destined to live such a miserable existence? I find myself in a bad mood most of the time wondering how I'm going to manage it all and all I wind up with is a big headache. I roll out of bed in the morning wishing I could just stay in my warm bed and not have to deal with the freezing weather and commuter stupidity. Friday is the office xmas party and I'm not going notonly am I not in the mood but I don't socialize with anyone outside of work past few parties have been boring musical chairs for real,? I'll pass thanks. On monday I got a little bit of xmas spirit when I came home from work to see my son greet me with a red hat and want to decorate the tree which we did and now the cat has a new place to sleep and the other kitten will play with and knock down ornaments. I work xmas eve so more likely than not even though the Latinos celebrate the 24th I will make something for the 25th. I also work the day after xmas which sucks but if I'm still here next year I'm making sure I'm off for both thanksgiving and day after xmas. I submitted copies of my receipts to the greedy jerk and I haven't received anymore threatening mail I guess it's because he knows that he doesn't have a legal leg to stand on I paid it all the rest is up to you. I think one of the few good things goingon in my life is my relationship with my guy he's a wonderful person and source of support he makes me see some of sort of optimism when I don't see or feel none. This weekend I saw some of my extended family which doesn't happen very often due to distance and life overall it's nice to see people but to some degree I feel we are like strangers especially after my grandmother died. This weekend I got into a disagreement with my brother and he left the house. Why is it when you stand up for yourself and put your foot down you're the bad rat well I am now due to saying what I will not allow in my home. It's hard to see someone who was doing so well making all the wrong choicesand is seeing someone whose a bad influence he makes it seem like I've kicked him out which I didn't but wherever you go there are rules to follow he plans to seek another facility I hope he's successful but I've given my home etc and this is not what I deserve in return but that's how families are we take each other for grantedand think family is required to put up with things. I see his absence having a traumatic effect on my son because he's very close to his uncle but the boundaries need to be in place and he needs to worry about getting back on track and taking care of his health issues. I see this situation having a negative effect on the holiday celebrations even though I didn't plan on this happening when something bothers us we have to address it immediately not let things build up that's my fault but only time will tell how things turn out I'm hoping that the coming year will bring me good luck good health new beginning for us and some positivity.