the grinch

It's Thursday night and I'm home beside the Christmas tree and while everyone has the holiday spirit and is probably doing holiday shopping and food preparations the only thing I have up is my xmas tree and I'm reminded of the holidays by watching many a holiday cartoon special when my son is home or hearing holiday music on the radio but am I in the holiday spirit this year? No. These past few years haven't been easy for me but I think so far this has been pretty rough I didn't even do holiday cards this year I was planning on making a small dinner but even that I've scratched off my list. Have I become the Grinch? A broke Grinch perhaps but also someone who is experiencing a lot of stress sadness disappointment anger frustration in life right now due to financial issues and family issues. Last night was another day another dollar and as I pray every day a safe uneventful commute home with minimal b.s. did the usual unwind prepare dinner do homework with jr bath and off to bed. After putting him down I usually retreat to the TV for some final down time usually consisting of watching my shows of choice Law & Order, CSI, ID, and maybe food network. It was getting close to 11 pm and I'm ready to go to bed and my door opens and it's him again with the same unwanted pest. I was shocked but infuriated because I know I speak English and I made it clear what the rules were in my house I wanted to scream curse but I remained calm and finally my eyes couldn't stay open much longer I tell them I'm going to bed and I got attitude from him and they left and off to bed I went but when you have a lot of shit on your mind and your angry your adrenaline is pumping it took a while but I fell out and got up at 6 a.m. I am officially done! I've had it and today I let this person know that they will have to make other arrangements and they need to get clean and sober and I'm very disappointed with the path that they've chosen to take in their life I ask myself why? why our family? why can't people do the right thing or get their lives together? I'm far from perfect but this is not something I can continue to put up with. I'm now the bad rat because I put my foot down my mother seems to forget that it's my home my rules and rules apply no matter where you live you follow or you get out. I can't believe the amount of guilt family can put on us when we stand up for ourselves. This is doesn't make me love a person any less, it means you need help and while I've tried I can no longer do it and I'm not even qualified to provide the help that's needed here. All of a sudden I'm being made to feel as if I'm ungrateful and I quote my life revolves on my relationship with this new person that made me so angry because it's so untrue. I bust my a** working 35 hours a week to try and survive and it's for MY SON and to keep things running at home and yes this person is a very important part of my life. I have every right to have him in my life, because I as well as everyone deserves to have happiness in their life I went through plenty of toads before we finally met and why should I give that up? I won't. I've learned this lesson many times in my life but in different ways You cannot please everyone. Tough love is the hardest love we have to give but many times it's the love people NEED. I've tried to fight back tears at work and now home yes this bad rat actually is sad and upset besides being angry I actually have feelings too. I also unfortunately work Christmas Eve which totally sucks and the day after so I will be another member of the skeleton crew again. I missed the deadline to take off because it seems like every time I want to save up hours something comes up. My body and mind are exhausted and I'm dire need of a vacation and I'm going to make it happen this year 2014 come hell or high water. This holiday season will be a simple and somber one we plan to order some food from Boston Market this year and while I'd rather make my own especially since I've gotten into the cooking thing me working and life's circumstances just aren't permitting it. I guess there's always next year. Sunday I plan to go to the store and pick up my son's very special surprise for Christmas and I've come to the point that as long he has a nice Christmas with things to enjoy that's what important to me. I try to be thankful for the things I do have but right now what I need is strength and peace to overcome this hurdle right now. 2014 needs to be a healthier prosperous joyous year.