tired tuesday

The year is almost over and it's been quite a year thanksgiving came and went and after the thanksgiving parade once Santa makes his appearance it's the official start of the xmas season and shopping plus black friday. I'm just not into the holiday spirit this year with the separation which will eventually become a divorce I felt very depressed this year it was only me and another relative who cooked the turkey and rice, etc. it's better to be with someone than totally alone on the holidays but for most of the morning I just lounged and watched tv and eventually got dressed took advantage of the nice weather and got some laundry done and take a walk to get my mind off of things. The dinner was excellent as it always is but the feeling I'd always get in holidays past isn't there but I'm hoping xmas will be better since my mother and brother are coming back. They say divorce is like a death I think it's worse b/c with a death there's separation a divorce while there's separation you have ties to this person and still have to have interaction especially when there's a kid involved like my case makes the healing process that much harder it's always a constant reminder of the failure of the relationship I try not to think about it so much and be so hard on myself but I'm a person who puts very high standards on myself and sometimes when things don't work out I tend to feel really bad about things. The dating scene is another situation putting yourself out there isn't easy and so far I've talked to two people and it's just that talking no meetings yet and I'm kind of wondering what the point of this is? Talking is good but if you don't interact with someone how will you know if you both click or not? I've been talking with someone for over a month and I think he's a nice guy and cute but honestly I'm starting to lose my patience with him and I actually pointed that out to him and I wanted to know what he thought so far and I got no response. I'm too old to play games like this seriously I understand you've been hurt and all but if you don't try to let someone in and let them get to know you and allow yourself to be cared for you're losing out on a potentially good experience sometimes I also look at this as a sign that maybe I need to stay alone for a while as many people suggested but I have to say that being alone isn't easy and considering that I haven't gotten laid in a while keeps being something that I constantly battle with but sometimes it's the best thing considering all the idiots out there on the dating scene. I recently got an email from someone on a dating scene who seemed really nice and wanted to give me his number but I'm very hesistant b/c I'm thinking is this going to be another dead end? So my response has been in draft status until I decide or if I decide to respond. He's also in law enforcement like my ex which my mother isn't happy about at all she says they have a bad reputation but what she doesn't realize is that the end of my marriage had nothing to do with what he does for a living while sometimes it was hard to conform to the schedule and I'd get upset when he was out of the house a lot there were serious issues between us that caused the demise of the relationship. It was a mutual thing he messed up and so did I could I have been a better wife? Sure I could've could he have been a better partner? of course but sometimes things just don't work out. Last night on my way home from work he calls to tell me about my place being a mess again and I just didn't feel like arguing about I just yes him to death and when I arrived home it was akward. I cleaned up a little took down laundry and folded new clothing I tried to keep to the back of my apt and when I was done it was off to the gym near my way for zumba. I had never taken her before and I liked her class will look into taking it again as travelling long distances can take it's toll after a while on me this class I'm home in 10 minutes tops which is convenient. Today is tuesday and I feel just as tired and mundane as yesterday I'm hoping by wednesday I feel somewhat better. One of the things I took advantage of this week is black friday I took advantage of some good deals online and off and spent a ton of money but I'm happy with the things I got sadly I had to return my jeans b/c of the size but everything is good. This weather is very weird for this time of year it feels like spring instead of Fall but I'm sure the cold weather will come eventually again and we'll be wishing for the sun and warmth again. I'm trying to stay focused and awake at my desk not very easy to do at times. Going to try to get through this week and keep in mind that things can be a lot worse than they are and just try to keep my spirits up and look forward to when my mother arrives possibly this weekend which things will become so much easier once she arrives.