Turning 35

Last friday was my birthday I turned 35 I wish I was turning 25, 21 or 18 for that matter if I could turn back the hands of time I would do so many things differently. It feels sort of weird b/c when I was a teenager or in my very early 20's 30 seemed old 35 seemed ancient and forget about 40. I imagined at this time in my life I would have a good career be married with a few kids and living a decent life but life sometimes throws you in directions that you don't expect and we have to deal with a lot and roll with the punches. At 35 I'm now headed toward divorce have a city job that is secure not enough income for me to live comfortably I have a son who is on the autism spectrum which can be stress in itself and I'm a single mother trying to get by in life and there are times where I feel have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Not exactly where I thought I would be at this stage of my life but I strive to do better and be better. It seems as if I'm only focusing on the negative but 35 is also a number that means experience and maturity for me I think a lot different than I did in my 20's I'm more confident overall and sexually confident I'm more outspoken and less concerned about what others think and fitting in and not afraid to ask for what I want . I am a lot more responsible and focus less on things I once did like only buying brand name stuff lol now I just by what's on sale or only can shop when there is an actual sale but the unknown scares the crap out of me getting older scares me too I've reached the 5 yr mark shy of 40 and I've hoped to accomplish more as I get closer to that mark. I hope to go back to school, maybe find love again and have another child provided I find the person to make this step with but for right now this is on the back burner. In your 30's you have more responsiblities, bills, and now my mother is not in good health. This is a harsh reality that scares me b/c this means she is also getting older. It seems as if we having a never ending battle with HRA social security just to get basic help. I worry about this a lot b/c of the cost, insurance, etc. She relies on me more than before and at times it can be stressful I worry about life insurance and the cost and funeral expenses these are issues that are rarely discussed in the latino and ethnic communities we have a tendency to live only for the moment or for today we hardly ever plan for the future until something happens and we are left scrambling to find a way to cover all of these things. I've seen this happen to too many people and I don't want it to happen to me. I saw what it costs to plan a funeral when my grandmother passed away and the cost is high I'm glad that my grandfather had good health coverage and life insurance to cover the costs of everything involved b/c if he didn't it would've been a nightmare. We have to learn as a culture and as people to plan for our future b/c as you can see we never know what life can throw at you and you want to be prepared. I plan to research life insurance for myself my son and for my mother b/c I want to be prepared for the inevitable when the time comes. Sometimes we spend money on things we don't even need like expensive electronics, cell phones, sneakers, bags, etc. and we complain about spending money on an insurance premium or something that we can really benefit from? As they say in spanish lo barato sale caro (the cheap comes out expensive) I've seen many examples of this in my life time and I've learned sometimes it is best to spend a little more and reap the benefits of good planning and getting something worth the money. Life is a journey and is unscripted and I realize that age is just a number it's all where our head is at and I try not to focus too much on what could've been b/c you cant change the past all we can do is focus on the present and strive to accomplish what we set out to do.

Dating Bomb Part 2

After Saturday's episode I decided to give it one last shot b/c I'm either a glutton for punishment or I really thought he may actually be a nice guy. I responded to his msg and we exchanged numbers we texted and spoke on the phone. It seems as if every time I've spoken to someone off a dating web site it seems as if they're life story is a pandora's box unfolding of drama consisting of crazy family members, ex wives, unemployment, non-payment of child support, and the laundry list continues and I ask myself why do people omit all of these things on their profile logically b/c most women would make a b line for the next profile understandbly so. Who the heck wants to deal with other people's bs and headaches? Not many people are willing to do so and I realize that I'm not either. I was told by one jerk I spoke to off of this site that "I'm too picky" and I thought to myself "too picky" or was told my standards are too high really? I guess b/c I want someone who is working #1, mature, responsible, well mannered, educated, nice sense of humor, not a conformist wants to better themselves no bs attached I realize no one life is picture perfect but I realize while my standards may be high I don't think they're unreasonable. It is not easy being alone and I was in a long term relationship for over 13 years and and it can get lonely sometimes for me and my life isn't what it once was having to live off of my income, etc. but I realize that in my search for a decent guy I guess I'm trying to fill that void that is there and I don't know what it's like to be alone but I have to learn what that is b/c I find myself trying to no avail to find a nice decent guy and all I have gotten is people full of shit, drama, and total douche bags. I also notice how superficial members of dating sites can be. They want a "barbie" doll figure, a whole laundry list of other unrealistic bs. I'm a person who is brutally honest I guess this is why I find this type of crap unnerving in my dating profile I put what I want and what I look like I even put my size which now is 12 hopefully that number will decrease soon but it is what it is. I'm a 12 if you want barbie you can find her in toysrus. What about a real woman someone who is nice, respectful, hard working, has morals and goals but I guess to some empty headed individuals Barbie is better. I've come to the conclusion that most if not all of these people on these web sites are full of crap, they lack maturity and emotional depth. I spoke to this last individual and it seemed like we had a good convo until I found out about his background which consisted of a crazy ex wife 3 kids which he wasnt paying child support or employed and I thought wth is wrong with ppl how can you go on a dating web page and look for a female when you have nothing to offer or your life in order. I'm not a gold digger by any means but at least hold your own and I sure as hell wont be taking care of a man. I sent this person a recent pic of myself and asked him what he thought and he didnt like it which he pretty much told me in a nice way he doesnt find me attractive @@ I felt hurt and it went downhill from there I told him how I was offended and he made light of my reaction acting as if he had done me a favor by telling me this. I also had this individual tell me he knew I wasnt a good person which really infuriated me considering we've never met I was done and told him to contact me again. I've given up on love and dating for now all of my experiences with the last two being the worst have left me with a bad taste in my mouth so I closed two of my dating profiles and when my subscription ends on the other will not be renewing I need to focus on me my son regrouping and healing and if it is meant to be the right one will come along. I will let love find me for a change. I'm officially off the market being alone isnt as bad it seems considering what Ive read and heard

Latest dating bomb

I've spoken about my experiences on the dating scene before on here but I think this past weekend I think was the worst I've ever experienced. I was spoking with a guy through text and I wanted to see the dark knight movie and he seemed like a cool guy so I checked the movie listing there was a 10 pm show at the theater. The guy a.k.a the cowardly douche bag agreed to me by the bank. I got there relatively fast especially due to MTA's track record especially on the weekend. When I met him let's just say I was surprised he didn't formally introduce himself to me which I found to be rude. One thing I look for in people is manners and if you have no manners that's a bad sign. I also visualized his pic from the dating pg and he looked nothing like the pic either let's just say if I saw him in the street he wouldn't be someone I'd go for so fast fwd I'm extremely nervous as I usually am on my dates but something wasn't clicking with this guy. He asked me what I liked to do I answered and he also threw out to go back to his place for drinks which in my mind I thought yeah right. We get to the movies and there is a ramp to go up the parking garage this jerk hits the gas hard and speeds up the ramp I was pissed off by this time. We get out of the car and start walking down the steps to the theater and he seemed annoyed that I wasn't talking much. He then did the unthinkable and insults me saying I look "tired" like I smoked weed. I was dumbfounded and insulted all I wanted to do is pop him in the face! but I didn't we get on the ticket line and the douche bag says that he doesn't see the batman movie I looked again and told him there it is all of a sudden he says **** I forgot my wallet and goes back up the stairs I waited almost 15 minutes HE NEVER CAME BACK. I never been so humiliated in my life I felt like such a fool and a part of me is still in a state of shock that this happened. It was late at night and I had to walk back to the train station alone luckily this area has lots of things to do so there was plenty of ppl around so I felt safe I got back on the train and bus and came home. I never imagined that this would happen. I can't believe that a 36 yr old man would do something so low rude and cowardice. If you weren't feeling and I sure as hell wasn't as his very rude comments he could've been a MAN about it but a MAN wouldn't have handled it this way. This experience and the two other date bombs before this one with someone who had no manners or social graces I had to open my own door didn't ask for a table and while we had small talk was more concerned with the sports game on tv and this is what I paid round trip metro north tickets for the other one was a loser from jersey who talked a lot of crap was ghetto and crass. All of this has left me with a bad taste in my mouth wondering if I will ever find the right guy b/c all I've encountered lately is a bunch of douche bags. The majority of ppl on these dating sites are full of crap some of them lie about their age and post fake pictures it has caused me to take a step back and think about this experience and while I'm sure this is not the last douche bag I will run into but it has taught me a lesson not everyone who they seem and always have extra cash for a cab just in case.

One Year later....

It seems like yesterday that this year began and we are already 8 months into it. Around the same time last year a lot happened my marriage was ending and unraveling right before my eyes and I got the news it was over as my birthday gift so I'm sort of depressed b/c of the loss but I vow to have a better bday than the last one I just wish I was turning 25 instead of my actual age *sigh*. Life since then has changed for me drastically I went from being financially secure mostly due to his income to struggling and basically only having for basic living expenses and food and sometimes not even that at times. Dealing with rent alone has been a hassle for me I just wish wasn't so expensive it seems as if everything is going up but your paycheck. So far I've been to two city agencies who tell me I make too much money to get any help which I think is total bull crap as they count gross income instead of your actual net income which makes more sense but that's how they cut off or discourage ppl from getting help in my opinion. I was okay financially but divorce has a lot of effects on you financial emotional and many others. I had to apply for a one shot deal to cover my back rent and that experience was the most demoralizing I've ever been through I've got asked so many questions you'd think they were going to give to me from their own pocket @@ I got asked everything I'm surprised they didn't conduct a cavity search. I've been back on the dating scene which has had it's fair shares of disappointments making me wonder if I will ever find love again it seems as if the one who I occassionally see to satifsy the itch I can't scratch is out of reach to me, it's like when you want something really bad but you know the person has barriers as to why things can't go fwd and it's sad b/c I wish it could be something more. This summer has come to a close and I haven't gone anywhere not even to the beach another affect of my divorce I used to look fwd to vacations but now there is no way I can afford it meanwhile he has gone all over the place and plans to go away in september I think about the end but every end has a new beginning and mine hasn't been easy I get depressed a lot but I try to keep pushing forward it's not always easy when everything seems to be working against you. My mother's health is declining and it scares me b/c it is a harsh reality that she is getting older and the thought of not having her around scares the crap out of me. She has two herniated disc pinched nerves in her neck and feet there are days where she can barely walk and I ask myself how the hell does a relatively healthy 57 yr old woman develop problems like this? So it's been never ending dealing with doctor's prescriptions and now since she is unable to work off to social security to start that process which I know isn't going to be an easy one it is all on my shoulders since my brother is in rehab and her partner works during the week and is not home I know he has to provide but still I think to be out there all week and not be there for her isn't fair in my opinion. It hasn't been an easy road and my divorce is still not final yet which is frustrating in itself. It's ironic how easy it is to run to city hall or church but such a pain the a# to get a divorce done and finalized. While I've gone on with my life to say that I'm fully healed from the whole experience I'd be lying that will take some time. I learned a lot of hard lessons about respect, love, and life that will take me into my next relationship should that ever come to be again. Being on the dating scene again has reintroduced me to a lot of things but it's also made me realize what I don't want in a man either. It has made realize that maybe being alone isn't such a bad thing after all. I look forward to my future and hope everything will be settled soon so I can finally close the chapter and officially get on with my life. I will start by having a wonderful birthday weekend.