Dating Bomb Part 2

After Saturday's episode I decided to give it one last shot b/c I'm either a glutton for punishment or I really thought he may actually be a nice guy. I responded to his msg and we exchanged numbers we texted and spoke on the phone. It seems as if every time I've spoken to someone off a dating web site it seems as if they're life story is a pandora's box unfolding of drama consisting of crazy family members, ex wives, unemployment, non-payment of child support, and the laundry list continues and I ask myself why do people omit all of these things on their profile logically b/c most women would make a b line for the next profile understandbly so. Who the heck wants to deal with other people's bs and headaches? Not many people are willing to do so and I realize that I'm not either. I was told by one jerk I spoke to off of this site that "I'm too picky" and I thought to myself "too picky" or was told my standards are too high really? I guess b/c I want someone who is working #1, mature, responsible, well mannered, educated, nice sense of humor, not a conformist wants to better themselves no bs attached I realize no one life is picture perfect but I realize while my standards may be high I don't think they're unreasonable. It is not easy being alone and I was in a long term relationship for over 13 years and and it can get lonely sometimes for me and my life isn't what it once was having to live off of my income, etc. but I realize that in my search for a decent guy I guess I'm trying to fill that void that is there and I don't know what it's like to be alone but I have to learn what that is b/c I find myself trying to no avail to find a nice decent guy and all I have gotten is people full of shit, drama, and total douche bags. I also notice how superficial members of dating sites can be. They want a "barbie" doll figure, a whole laundry list of other unrealistic bs. I'm a person who is brutally honest I guess this is why I find this type of crap unnerving in my dating profile I put what I want and what I look like I even put my size which now is 12 hopefully that number will decrease soon but it is what it is. I'm a 12 if you want barbie you can find her in toysrus. What about a real woman someone who is nice, respectful, hard working, has morals and goals but I guess to some empty headed individuals Barbie is better. I've come to the conclusion that most if not all of these people on these web sites are full of crap, they lack maturity and emotional depth. I spoke to this last individual and it seemed like we had a good convo until I found out about his background which consisted of a crazy ex wife 3 kids which he wasnt paying child support or employed and I thought wth is wrong with ppl how can you go on a dating web page and look for a female when you have nothing to offer or your life in order. I'm not a gold digger by any means but at least hold your own and I sure as hell wont be taking care of a man. I sent this person a recent pic of myself and asked him what he thought and he didnt like it which he pretty much told me in a nice way he doesnt find me attractive @@ I felt hurt and it went downhill from there I told him how I was offended and he made light of my reaction acting as if he had done me a favor by telling me this. I also had this individual tell me he knew I wasnt a good person which really infuriated me considering we've never met I was done and told him to contact me again. I've given up on love and dating for now all of my experiences with the last two being the worst have left me with a bad taste in my mouth so I closed two of my dating profiles and when my subscription ends on the other will not be renewing I need to focus on me my son regrouping and healing and if it is meant to be the right one will come along. I will let love find me for a change. I'm officially off the market being alone isnt as bad it seems considering what Ive read and heard

life recap

I usually make time to blog but lately I've been so busy with my day to day things going on in my life that I didn't have much time for it last month. Last month Jr started pre-school and he seemed to get used to it pretty fast but as with everything there's always some source of stress or stupidity going on and lately it's with the bus company who picks him up they're consistently late too lazy to ring a bill to let his sitter know they're outside and a request to get him velcro closure sneakers b/c they're too damn lazy to tie his shoes and I ask myself wtf is wrong with people it seems like no one wants to do their freaking jobs these days everyone is always looking for an easy way out. I finally caved in and got the velcro closure sneakers b/c I was tired of hearing about it but the bus issue is yet to be resolved. He missed one day of school this week which pissed me off due to their incompetence and he can't miss school b/c he needs his therapy sessions and I've noticed that it's working b/c he's speaking more clearer and using a lot more words. Last week I was called to go in and pick him up b/c he had the runs and honestly by the time I left work @1 and had to wait for that annoying J train he could've went home in the school bus. It pissed me off b/c I could've used those 2 hours of sick leave for something really important these people think that everyone has the luxury of staying home or staying home and living off the system and I don't I have to go to work and my hours of leave have to be conserved they say that they "understand" working parents um no you don't if you expect to drop everything at a moment's notice so I'm crossing my fingers his grandmother gets here by the end of this month so if he's sick she can get him. This Halloween jr was spongebob and he looked adorable his father took him trick or treating around the area and he came home with a huge bag of candy. It was sad that we didn't do the tradition of taking him to Sesame Place as we had done in previous years but due to situation it wasn't possible. We can only tolerate each other in small doses for short periods of time and honestly he gets on my freaking nerves after a while. Last weekend began my free weekend my first one I had in a very long time so I treasure them to just clean sometimes run errands shop or just do nothing but lounge. Friday night I went out with a good friend of mine to Chili's for dinner in long island I'd rather go to Westbury to not so crowded and very easy to find parking we had some frozen strawberry margaritas 2 for 1 and I loved it b/c with all of the stress I feel I needed one and it was strong and the fact that I hadn't eaten just made me get buzzed that much faster it was great we both blew off some steam and it feels great to have a person to listen at times. I look forward to doing it more often. He says he's going to take me to a lounge and I think I went to one once and I didn't like it but I'm sure there are better ones. Lounge/Bar/Clubs have never been my scene even in my 20's so now that I find myself alone again it's an area I'm looking to explore but he warns that we have to be cautious with the ones you attend b/c they can attract certain kinds of crowds and this is sort of the reasons I'd avoid the scene altogether b/c for one or a few idiots the whole evening can get ruined and now that I'm in my 30's I want to deal with that shit even less. Near my area I saw a dance studio offering dance classes in bachata, salsa, for beginners, etc. and each time I've passed by in the car I always hear the music and I notice everyone seems to have so much fun b/c while I may be hispanic I can't dance to save my life sad but true I need to learn how to relax and let loose so I might consider it. The most exposure I get to dance is when I go to my zumba classes which have also helped lose a lot of weight so far I've lost 36 lbs and I'm 25 lbs away from my goal I started doing more work on the machines particularly the ab machine b/c while I've lost a lot of weight I'm trying to get rid of the belly and be able to be ready for summer again when the time comes. My last visit at the dr I lost 3 more lbs but the constant battle I have is the diet I slip up a lot and I need to have better will power and stay away from sweets which is my downfall. I notice my old navy sweet heart jeans are starting to get loose which means I'm going to need a 10 soon seems like it happened so fast I mistakenly bought a 10 levis a few weeks back but they fit pretty well a little tight in the waist but they stretch. I still have been cleaning out my drawers to make room for the smaller clothing. I've also gone out and bought make up some I barely would wear in the past so it seems like i'm reconnecting and taking better care of me but many things remain up in the air like when this divorce is going to be final and how fast time flies it's been 3 months since he moved out before you know it a year will have passed by. Life happens and time waits for no one so I'm trying to enjoy my life and live in peace but I have to admit I can get lonely at times and with my hectic schedule it's hard to make time for me and with the current assortment of douche bags on the dating scene doesn't make it easier and while to some it may seem like I'm moving too fast into that scene having a friend to go out with once in a while and I have to admit the fact that I haven't gotten laid in months is and has been starting to grow on me lol so much that I feel like I'm going to go up the wall at times people have told me to get toys alrighty there and just have a fwb (friend with benefits) something I NEVER considered in the past I pretty much was a straight arrow of a person when it came to things like that but lately my hormones are singing a different tune but I'm cautious about the emotional consequences of this. Maybe a friend of some sort is just what the dr ordered lol we'll see what happens b/c I don't think I want anything serious right now as I haven't even signed on the dotted line and the emotional side effects from that isn't going to be easy but I will feel a sense of relief when it finally does happen but also a sense of sadness and failure. A guy I've been talking to and I gave my number hasnt called and I asked him about as I'm very direct and he confessed that he was hesitant and shy I was like wow I never expect to hear that from a guy it surprised me but it also made me feel a jerk b/c I kind of misjudged him since I hadn't heard from him I guess I'm not the only who is cautious of putting themselves out there. Very sad but unfortunately there are a lot of aholes, game players, out there who don't consider the feelings of people they come in contact with so I will keep on talking to him and see where it goes and I hope we do meet even if its to be friends (regular) friends. Some good news came our way the real estate told me that there's two available apartments in the area so it will be possible for my mother to return back to NY and I'm crossing my fingers things go well b/c I can sure use her help. It's been hard all of these years without especially when jr was a baby and a younger toddler. November 5 jr turned 3 and it seemed like 3 years just flew by just like that it seems like yesterday that I gave birth and I was bringing him home from the hospital. He can be a handful at times but he's my joy. I'd love to have another baby one of these days if I actually find a guy who is for real and isn't just another one who I will put under the douche bag category. I'm learning a lot of hard lessons from this separation and some of them is that life is too short and you can't forget about yourself which in a way I did for many years and no matter how bad we want something sometimes it's just not meant to be. I'm sure there will be others just haven't thought of them yet. Talking to my sitter I realize I'm not the only one who's going through changes two other women are going through some real messed up stuff and I ask myself sometimes wth is wrong with us as people? what do we want? I think a lot of people's expectations are unrealistic. I heard her say one of the husbands is leaving her b/c she's chubby totally ridiculous. People who seek perfection will be sorely disappointed b/c it doesn't exist true real love is unconditional . Let him find a barbie doll even they get lose their novelty after a while. Beauty is only skin deep or in the eye of the beholder and I think self respect, good morals, and intelligence matters more than physical beauty b/c you can beautiful on the outside but if you have nothing more than your looks to bring to table that's sad. Or the ones who expect you to work a full time job clean and have an old school latino dinner every freakin day those days are gone and times have changed but some people never evolve. I made an attempt for my son's sake to celebrate his birthday with his father on saturday and it didn't work out he just aggravated me to no end and I had to pay for my movie and half of the meal which is sort of a slap in the face b/c had it been me I know I would've paid for the meal for him but some people are just in a class by themselves. Words were exchanged feelings were hurt and I said NEVER again but at least we get a A for effort for trying the most important thing is jr enjoyed his bday for the most part. Counseling has worked for the most part and at times emotions just get in the way but I'm able to communicate better b/c of it and we are for the sake of jr but it's a long road but in the end I think everyone will be happier b/c of it. I look forward to the new adventures that may come my way in the next few months and on that note I have to get back to work b/c it's past 10 and things have to get done.

friday is here

Today is Friday and I'm glad it's been one heck of a week. I'm looking forward to the long weekend as I can always use an extra day of rest and even more if I actually had some "me" time. I'm trying to get back on my exercise schedule and tracking what I eat and wow is it hard it seems like there's a million calories in everything and I lost track of keeping track with the fitness pal tracker. I went to the gym twice this week yesterday was zumba at lunch and it was good this instructor while he's not my favorite he's slowed down his pace a little b/c before he was way too fast and I guess they must've told him to slow down b/c there are older people who are in the class and certain medical problems that ppl can't overexert themselves. This week was the counseling session and I had gone to the gym before the session so I felt good and relaxed I held it together for the first half of the session I explained what has happened up to this point with him and I expressed my anger disappointment with him. We both got emotional and he also pissed me off with some of his comments. Yesterday was my own session and it was okay it helps to have someone listen and understand what you're going through. Sometimes the bus ride alone from the gym or therapy is relaxing enough for me provided the buses are running on schedule and I can actually sit down. He watched jr while I was at the session and when I return I find him in the livingroom with jr and jr is happy to see me. When I saw him it was the same get up the american eagle shirt etc. a walking fashion show and those annoying big glasses that I'd love to stomp to pieces. I made it a point to tell he was a walking fashion show and should be on the cover of a magazine. He had bags of food on the floor and when I looked in them he questions why you'd think it was for a rabbit, there was tomatoes, bags of grapes, a bottle of vinegar, and red onions. After this he's ready to go and he says goodbye and my name ____ and I say goodbye and close the door after some time I get a knock on the door and mr fashion show forgets his cell and takes it off the charger and I said goodbye again but this time I couldn't resist the temptation to shout another insult and I said get bent as he walked down the stairs. He made a whole batch of sofrito and tells me saved some for me? huh (twilight zone music) wtf? Is this the actions of someone who no longer feels the same way? Extremely conflicting messages indeed. My therapist says sarcasm is a form of anger but it's wonderfully therapeutic for me to say remarks to him it's better than being depressed. I look at mr match.com and I'm in awe yummy I think to myself and considering the fact that I might as well be a born again virgin makes me think about a lot of things I shouldn't lol. I even looked up the sign Aries and it says both Leo (that's me) and Aries are really good in this area I guess we can all dream and fantasize that's about as far it's going to get for now. I was told by my friend last night to whom I fwd his pic I need to be alone for a while and thing is I don't know how to be alone when you're part of a couple for 11+ yrs. and find yourself alone and possibly back on the scene in the long term it's an extremely scary thing let's face it I've been off the market since 2000 and lots of things have changed since then. If I eventually decide to complete my profile I think I just want a friendship for now and for those of you who think friends with benefits that's also something I won't do. While it seems convenient for some this type of arrangement doesn't work everyone and people always think they have control over this but once you throw sex into the mix it changes things unless you really are focused that's all you want from from the beginning. It's 5 to 1 and I'm ready for lunch I had a soup yesterday and I'm not trying to be bad and eat things I shouldn't but Little Italy Pizza seems to calling my name today one slice shouldn't be too bad. I need to see the sun and take a walk as there are no windows in here.