One Year later....

It seems like yesterday that this year began and we are already 8 months into it. Around the same time last year a lot happened my marriage was ending and unraveling right before my eyes and I got the news it was over as my birthday gift so I'm sort of depressed b/c of the loss but I vow to have a better bday than the last one I just wish I was turning 25 instead of my actual age *sigh*. Life since then has changed for me drastically I went from being financially secure mostly due to his income to struggling and basically only having for basic living expenses and food and sometimes not even that at times. Dealing with rent alone has been a hassle for me I just wish wasn't so expensive it seems as if everything is going up but your paycheck. So far I've been to two city agencies who tell me I make too much money to get any help which I think is total bull crap as they count gross income instead of your actual net income which makes more sense but that's how they cut off or discourage ppl from getting help in my opinion. I was okay financially but divorce has a lot of effects on you financial emotional and many others. I had to apply for a one shot deal to cover my back rent and that experience was the most demoralizing I've ever been through I've got asked so many questions you'd think they were going to give to me from their own pocket @@ I got asked everything I'm surprised they didn't conduct a cavity search. I've been back on the dating scene which has had it's fair shares of disappointments making me wonder if I will ever find love again it seems as if the one who I occassionally see to satifsy the itch I can't scratch is out of reach to me, it's like when you want something really bad but you know the person has barriers as to why things can't go fwd and it's sad b/c I wish it could be something more. This summer has come to a close and I haven't gone anywhere not even to the beach another affect of my divorce I used to look fwd to vacations but now there is no way I can afford it meanwhile he has gone all over the place and plans to go away in september I think about the end but every end has a new beginning and mine hasn't been easy I get depressed a lot but I try to keep pushing forward it's not always easy when everything seems to be working against you. My mother's health is declining and it scares me b/c it is a harsh reality that she is getting older and the thought of not having her around scares the crap out of me. She has two herniated disc pinched nerves in her neck and feet there are days where she can barely walk and I ask myself how the hell does a relatively healthy 57 yr old woman develop problems like this? So it's been never ending dealing with doctor's prescriptions and now since she is unable to work off to social security to start that process which I know isn't going to be an easy one it is all on my shoulders since my brother is in rehab and her partner works during the week and is not home I know he has to provide but still I think to be out there all week and not be there for her isn't fair in my opinion. It hasn't been an easy road and my divorce is still not final yet which is frustrating in itself. It's ironic how easy it is to run to city hall or church but such a pain the a# to get a divorce done and finalized. While I've gone on with my life to say that I'm fully healed from the whole experience I'd be lying that will take some time. I learned a lot of hard lessons about respect, love, and life that will take me into my next relationship should that ever come to be again. Being on the dating scene again has reintroduced me to a lot of things but it's also made me realize what I don't want in a man either. It has made realize that maybe being alone isn't such a bad thing after all. I look forward to my future and hope everything will be settled soon so I can finally close the chapter and officially get on with my life. I will start by having a wonderful birthday weekend.