preparing, healing, adjusting, boundaries, etc.

Yesterday was a long day longer than most b/c I was late but I was glad to have gotten a seat home on both trains. I asked him to do me the favor and take me to the store so I can pick up a few groceries and I have to say that things like this are very akward for me to ask of him b/c we're no longer a couple but it's not exactly easy for me to go shopping with jr either and lug a shopping cart full of groceries or a cart of laundry. I went and got the stuff put it away and it was off to counseling. We arrived early and it was an akward silence in the car and I was counting down the minutes until it was time for us to go in. Yesterday's session we talked about the importance of making a schedule and sticking to it as far as pick up and drop off times and other subjects but while it was akward but it was helpful at the same time. I expressed that there are times I feel very lonely and sad b/c I feel that this was just brought on me so fast but little by little I'm getting used to the fact that this is a harsh reality that will come to a legal reality in the near future I think deep down inside I held on to that last possible shred of hope that we'd get back together and try to work things out but when you still have feelings for someone this happens but he made a comment to me last night that was something along the lines of if I did start talking to someone he wouldn't have a problem with it, and that hurt but it made me think chances are if he said that and he won't confirm it he's the one who is now talking to someone else. It's a painful reality that I must start trying to make a stronger effort to move on as hard as it is sometimes. October will be here next month and we made it a tradition to always take jr to Sesame Place for their Halloween celebration but I realize that this probably won't happen this year due to the circumstances and I mentioned this at the session yesterday and felt tears in my eyes b/c these are things I miss the family time not all of the other drama and stupidity that has made this separation a reality so I ask myself should I bite the bullet and go with him to Sesame Place so my son can enjoy the shows, characters, treats along with getting a new costume or should I not b/c of the akward situation I will find myself in? This is hard but I'm going to have do some thinking abou that. A few days ago we had another scare with someone close to me and now he's been accepted into a rehab program and i'm so happy for him b/c needs the help and the program is free which had also been a road block for as many of the programs require insurance or a large amount of money so I'm crossing my fingers he will be able to finish it and get the help he really needs so he will be able to life a decent life and achieve good things b/c besides all of this he's a smart person who has done well in the past but this will push back the move back to NYC but that's ok for me b/c him getting well is more important than anything else for now. Last night I had no problem falling asleep and neither did jr but he sure didn't want to get up this morning never really does. I set the alarm to go off LOUD and I woke up alright got ready and we got our bus with enough time and I got in here early enough so that I will be on time to my next appointment tonight. I'm still debating on whether or not I will do the lunch time zumba today I went on Tuesday but for some reason I wasn't totally into it and he was late so that kind of throws things off too we'll see. So far I haven't received any responses regarding jr's medical reports or an appointment for a mtg and this is really getting ridiculous b/c the more they drag their feet the longer we have to wait for an appropriate school placement, etc. Looks like we're going to have a light a fire cracker under these people yet again. This weekend is going to be a "me" weekend and I'm so looking forward to it I haven't had one in a long time and I could sure use it. I always say I'm going to do this that, etc. but most of the I wind up doing nothing at all just lounging and watching tv and that's fine I guess b/c I don't get to do nothing very often.

my last blog of 2010

This is my last posting of the year and in a few hours 2011 will be here.  The weather these past couple of days has been unseasonably warm and today was warmer than yesterday so much that I just wore a tshirt with jeans and no jacket needed.  I sat outside for a while we had some hot dogs and burgers on the grill did our walk to get some air and exercise.  I always feel kind of sad around this time b/c I always think about everything that has happened throughout the year and it hasn't been an easy year for us and sometimes I think about another yr come and gone and what have I really acheived if anything at all? I shouldn't feel down but I can't help it.  It's a pretty quiet New Year's Eve just us we usually don't do anything special just stay home and watch the ball drop even when I'm home watch rockin eve or afterward if I'm up to stay late watch a little bit of the honey mooners marathon and then conk out to sleep.  Surely not like the holidays past but time passes we get older life's circumstances change and time waits for no one.  A lot of things can happen in a year I wonder where I will be next Christmas or New Year's Eve in NYC or Florida? Speaking of which the fact that our relocation goal may be more of a long range goal is probably something else that has me a little down but we have to do things carefully in order to avoid any additional problems.  They say good things come to those who wait I guess this is something we will have to wait for.  I think about all of the goals I set for myself and it seems impossible sometimes especially to save what I want to save but I have to keep trying.  Sunday it's back on the road to NYC and it's going to be hard day for all of us my mother husband etc.  I really don't want to go back to NYC but harsh reality is that for know that is where our life is and where are our jobs are.  It's going to take me a while to get back into the swing of things again.  I hope the road trip home will be uneventful and we won't catch no traffic in Maryland we escaped it last time due to the early time we left but this time we may not be as lucky.   Seems like we're all bored out of our minds always seems like the last few hours of the year feel like that.  When the ball drops I always feel a sense of relief that another year has left and a new year new page new start has arrived.  I look forward to turning the page and starting a brand new year and aim to achieve as much as I can.