preparing, healing, adjusting, boundaries, etc.

Yesterday was a long day longer than most b/c I was late but I was glad to have gotten a seat home on both trains. I asked him to do me the favor and take me to the store so I can pick up a few groceries and I have to say that things like this are very akward for me to ask of him b/c we're no longer a couple but it's not exactly easy for me to go shopping with jr either and lug a shopping cart full of groceries or a cart of laundry. I went and got the stuff put it away and it was off to counseling. We arrived early and it was an akward silence in the car and I was counting down the minutes until it was time for us to go in. Yesterday's session we talked about the importance of making a schedule and sticking to it as far as pick up and drop off times and other subjects but while it was akward but it was helpful at the same time. I expressed that there are times I feel very lonely and sad b/c I feel that this was just brought on me so fast but little by little I'm getting used to the fact that this is a harsh reality that will come to a legal reality in the near future I think deep down inside I held on to that last possible shred of hope that we'd get back together and try to work things out but when you still have feelings for someone this happens but he made a comment to me last night that was something along the lines of if I did start talking to someone he wouldn't have a problem with it, and that hurt but it made me think chances are if he said that and he won't confirm it he's the one who is now talking to someone else. It's a painful reality that I must start trying to make a stronger effort to move on as hard as it is sometimes. October will be here next month and we made it a tradition to always take jr to Sesame Place for their Halloween celebration but I realize that this probably won't happen this year due to the circumstances and I mentioned this at the session yesterday and felt tears in my eyes b/c these are things I miss the family time not all of the other drama and stupidity that has made this separation a reality so I ask myself should I bite the bullet and go with him to Sesame Place so my son can enjoy the shows, characters, treats along with getting a new costume or should I not b/c of the akward situation I will find myself in? This is hard but I'm going to have do some thinking abou that. A few days ago we had another scare with someone close to me and now he's been accepted into a rehab program and i'm so happy for him b/c needs the help and the program is free which had also been a road block for as many of the programs require insurance or a large amount of money so I'm crossing my fingers he will be able to finish it and get the help he really needs so he will be able to life a decent life and achieve good things b/c besides all of this he's a smart person who has done well in the past but this will push back the move back to NYC but that's ok for me b/c him getting well is more important than anything else for now. Last night I had no problem falling asleep and neither did jr but he sure didn't want to get up this morning never really does. I set the alarm to go off LOUD and I woke up alright got ready and we got our bus with enough time and I got in here early enough so that I will be on time to my next appointment tonight. I'm still debating on whether or not I will do the lunch time zumba today I went on Tuesday but for some reason I wasn't totally into it and he was late so that kind of throws things off too we'll see. So far I haven't received any responses regarding jr's medical reports or an appointment for a mtg and this is really getting ridiculous b/c the more they drag their feet the longer we have to wait for an appropriate school placement, etc. Looks like we're going to have a light a fire cracker under these people yet again. This weekend is going to be a "me" weekend and I'm so looking forward to it I haven't had one in a long time and I could sure use it. I always say I'm going to do this that, etc. but most of the I wind up doing nothing at all just lounging and watching tv and that's fine I guess b/c I don't get to do nothing very often.

short week sypnosis

I really wish this rainy weather would stop it doesn't do much for the mood and I need to see the sun already. I think jr has gotten a cold from the change of weather. While it's been a short week it sure hasn't felt like a short work week. I've been up on and off through the night and I know I'm going to feel it tonight but I guess it's because I have a lot on my mind and sometimes this doesn't allow you to get the rest you need note to self take the rx to help you sleep. Yesterday was a long day again consisting of going to the gym and counseling afterward and yesterday I didn't feel as energetic in the gym as I did on Tuesday considering the fact the yesterday was my first day taking this GNC vitamin pack. I did the Just Dance class at the gym and maybe it was b/c we had a different instructor while he's good and energetic he does work you harder and does more jumping and while I've lost some weight I still have to be careful with the jumping and doing certain moves as I don't want to injure my knee or ankles. Once I've lost more weight these things shouldn't bother me as much. After the class I did 30 minutes on the treadmill but only burned 155.5 calories but I also set the machine slower b/c of pain in my knees and ankles I guess everyone is entitled to an off day. Yesterday's counseling session was okay at first I couldn't really find much to talk about in the beginning but we spoke about things that opened up old wounds like the bs with his family, etc. which made me angry and emotional but I noticed this time while I got emotional it wasn't as intense as before I was able to express myself without totally breaking down. He spoke of the divorce proceedings again and spoke of what was discussed with the lawyer and I'm usually pretty good at making decisions but this isn't that cut and dry and a lot of emotions are involved. While I don't undermine the pain of death and losing a loved one at all b/c I do know what that feels like but after a while there's the separation and things get easier with a divorce I think it's worse b/c the person is not dead and when there's a child in the mix and you still have to have contact with one another the healing process is that much more difficult. What he's offering financially for jr is fine with me but I was also told that I'd be entitled to spousal support for 3 yrs which would pretty much leave him broke while a woman scorned would probably wouldn't give a s* it made me think and a small part of me had a twinge of guilt while the extra income would be nice the only thing that's my priority is jr. Pension also came into play and while it wouldn't be much something is better than nothing and I'm not relinquishing that b/c while retirement is a long years away for us who knows what can happen and every little bit helps. He's trying to make this as painless and amicable as possible but it's very difficult and once I read those papers I'm sure I'm not going to like everything in it which is why I'm getting looked over by another attorney before I sign anything. I told him last night no amount of money can take away the pain and the hurt I feel and the ending of a marriage knowing that it didn't work and the reasons it couldn't work I feel like we failed at it and failure is such a bad feeling. I find myself thinking about things I could've done differently what could've been but at the end of the day I realize some things are just not meant to be. It has to be a mutual effort by both parties involved. Last night's counseling session made me realize that impasse we get to regarding his family and other issues are things we will never be on the same page on no matter how many times it's discussed and brought up and at this point it really doesn't matter anymore. He asked if he can watch TV here yesterday b/c there is no TV at his friend's place well how convenient I sarcastically said no tv you two must live a pretty boring existence and I also rubbed it in a little more and said oh he can't have a TV he's too busy singing the kanye west song himself which he says is a low blow but it's the truth. I told him both of them would be singing the same tune very soon. He then asks me to refer to which song and I'm thinking if you have to ask then how is it a low blow? He had 3 wives me, the cable box/dvr, xbox and we start to miss the comforts of home once we no longer have them. I told him not to get to used to the idea as I may be getting rid of cable myself Time Warner is ridiculously expensive and considering my financial situation I'm not sure if I could swing it anymore so if I don't get rid of completely I may downgrade the pkg. I sure wish Verizon Fios would hurry up and come to this area as I've heard it's the same service and cheaper. I also received a call from jr service coordinator mentioning that there's no ADA therapists who work evening hours and I'm thinking WTH more stress? What planet are these people living on? I have to work for a living! I sure wish I could just work part-time or work earlier hours than my 8-4 but that's not my reality or the reality of many other working parents these days who both have to work or have to work more than one job b/c of the ridiculous cost of living these days. She says she will try but she doesn't think she will be successful and considering that I'm going to be single parent in the very near future she's going to have try a little bit harder to find someone at least until my mother moves back to NYC. This is what I hate the most that these city agencies, therapists, always make things harder for parents instead of easier and these endless mtgs with rhetoric and jargon that leave even the person with half a brain in their wondering wth did she just say? Plain english anyone? A pill for relaxation or a drink or two is just what dr ordered about now. Tomorrow is Friday and I just want to chill out no appointments,no gym, nothing. I'm hoping one of my friends will be down to meet up so we can grab a bite to eat or do whatever and considering that I canceled twice on one hopefully my only time to have some real freedom won't be another attempt in vain. Well it's after 5:40 and I've spent all this time blogging when I should've been getting to the pile of dishes that's been there for 2 days and taking out the trash due to the side effects of exhaustion and just plain laziness at times. Hoping for an uneventful commute and an easy day at work and a E train that's not packed like a cattle car at the end of the day hope I will get at least one of these.

a new beginning

Yesterday was my first day back and the commute was uneventful I stood home Monday b/c I really didn't feel like dealing with the subways as they were just restored earlier that morning and there was a lot of delays. Since I found out about jr's diagnosis I spoke to the service coordinator and jr will be getting a new therapist and therapy will be more intensive and they will be coming in 5 days a week and I don't really look forward to that b/c it doesn't give me much free time during the week but the therapy is important and neccessary. Today will be jr's last session with one of his therapists and I will miss working with her, she was always friendly professional and he made a great deal of progress with her. I texted her last night to confirm the time she was passing by and I thanked her for services and she says he's made a great deal of progress. It's kind of sad but this is a new beginning and I'm hoping that he will have a good connection with the new therapist since they will be there everyday. It's always scary when a new therapist comes in b/c you never know how jr will react even though he's usually very sociable with most people. Yesterday I was very late to work and made every effort to get up on time today so I can wash last night's dishes and pots empty the trash and clean out the cat's box these are things I should do at night but I'm too tired and lazy from working and the commute. I saw a moth flying around in the house which was gross and the cat went crazy trying to catch it she even jumped in the bath tub and she got it and ate it! I was so grossed out I spanked her on the butt. She ran of course and after I was done showering she still expected to be fed of course. Jr gets up and gives me the usual run for the money to get dressed but out the front door. I miss the bus of course and wait for the next I get to the sitter drop him and it's off to dunkin donuts to pick up breakfast before the next bus and I go in and I see this guy our eyes meet and he keeps staring at me I'm like wth is he looking at inside my mind of course he seems nice but everyone has a type of guy they look for after that I run to catch my bus b/c I don't want to miss yet another one. I managed to be a few minutes late but better than yesterday b/c staying a half hr late is boring. This week he told me that he wants to start the process for the divorce and once again I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I feel sadness and cried but sadness turned to anger and the other bunch of emotions I feel b/c it's only been a week since I returned from vacation and as it's not bad enough that you did the cowardice thing of ending our relationship over the phone, I'm also trying to absorb my son's diagnosis and now the divorce proceedings I'm wondering what the heck the rush is, is there someone else? is always the thought that comes to mind. We exchanged text msgs last night he says that he's not trying to screw me over and wants to see me happy which I don't get b/c if you did wouldn't we still be working on our relationship? This evening will be the counseling session and I'm sure this is not going to be easy. I'm going to try my best to hold it together and not get emotional but that's not always easy. I plan to write everything down once again to stay focused. The good thing is I will be going to the gym before the session which is a good thing b/c I will get to work out and after I work out I'm usually tired but relaxed and usually in a better mood than when I don't. Today I went on the match web site and saw another person who caught my eye I read their profiles which both were interesting and we're both astrologically compatible but I realize I'm no where near ready to give my heart to someone else and this is for entertainment purposes only, I don't let people in that easy and most of my relationships have been long term b/c I'm not someone who jumps from guy to guy or bed to bed as some people do. Someone told me to think about what I want and post in a profile but since I'm not quite ready yet it just might inspire me to do a blog posting about it. Everyone is seeking respect love and acceptance and to find someone who will love you for you isn't easy. There are always people who want to play games and have baggage and it's a gamble we all take when we're on the quest for a companion. Sad how within a few weeks you're life changes just like that I would've never thought I would even be writing about this let alone experiencing it. Being alone isn't easy but I've gotten a little better with sleeping at night usually b/c most of the time I'm so tired the bed is calling my name to think about anything else. I can't wait for Friday to come and this is a good weekend b/c it's a long weekend due to Labor Day weekend. I could use the extra day of rest. I can't believe 9 months of the year has just flown by tomorrow is September 1st. Time as you can see waits for no one.