getting back on track

Today is friday my favorite day of the week b/c I know when I go home that I can stay up a little later watch some of my shows like law & order, investigation discovery, I avoid reality shows like the plague I have enough drama in my own life the last thing I need to see is someone else's bs and honestly if they throw of some their money my way maybe I'd show a tad of interest anyway the past few days I've been doing a lot of thinking and I fell of track with my exercise and diet better said fell off the wagon totally. When I'm stressed out bored or feeling down I eat and that's a bad habit and unfortunately it's things I really have no business eating like sweets which are my ulimate weakness, chips, and candy and fast food is readily available on long late days when the last thing I feel like doing is cooking. I unfortunately got sick with strep throat this week and when I was weighed at the dr I gained 6 lbs. I'm not sure if the scale was off b/c when I came out it was 176.5. Anyway it was a wake up call that I need to get back on track with my diet and exercise and hold myself accountable for what I put in my mouth so I joined Weight Watchers the point system is much easier to figure out what to eat and even if I don't eat their food I will make sure I exercise extreme portion control. My goal weight was 155 but when I enrolled last night online a healthy weight is between 113-141. I will aim for the higher number of 141 b/c I will look like a crack head at 113 lbs. Dieting is also not easy when you have plenty of goodies like spanish food to tempt you. Until today I didn't realize how hard it is to eat healthy I passed by a frozen yogurt place, checkers, etc. ignored them all. Instead I visited the fruit stand near my office building and purchased some gala apples 3 bananas and some pears. I also drink tons of water so I'm hoping that I will see some results. I also fell off track b/c I know I was slightly depressed b/c things didn't work out the way I thought they would with him but I guess everything happens for a reason I'm feeling much better about it but it still bothers me at times I also think that maybe it was bad timing we were both going through a divorce, etc. I can think of any possiblities and what ifs and I'd drive myself crazy b/c only he knows why and even though he said it was nothing I did I don't think what he did was nice or fair but I guess if he wasn't willing to give it a try it his loss not mine. I got jr progress report from school and he's doing well except for his not sharing and aggressive behavior at times. I try to have more patience when disciplining him which is hard when I'm tired at the end of the day from working and dealing with so much other bs. He misbehaved last night and I told him no story time and stuck to it, he hates that but he has to understand that when he misbehaves there will be consequences. I'm trying to get so many things done like gather the necessary documents to complete the application process for food stamps, notarize the divorce papers and get things for SSI but sometimes there aren't enough hours in a day. I will make my best efforts this weekend to get as much done as I can. Next week will make month since jr got his tubes put in ears and I see he's progressing today is post op visit so I'm hoping that everything is ok and he's healing well. I also have to apply for NYCERS benefits for retirement b/c sadly our wonderful mayor wants to get rid of our city benefits and make it like the private industry with 401K which is a crock of bs b/c people do their time and pay their dues they should receive their pension and benefits. Our governor is another idiot whose supposed to be a democrat I honestly think he's kissing the right's a** way too much is actually for this plan that would reduce benefits to 40% and make people work till almost 70 which is totally unfair so I will be going down there to make sure I get enrolled in the current plan before the new one goes into effect. It's not easy thinking about the future but we have to think about it, even though it's hard with the bad economy, rising cost of living, lack of job security regardless we will get old and we have to be able to survive somehow. Well it's after 2 my lunch is over and I have to finish the rest of the day my first day of weight watchers wasn't too bad even thought I cheated with 5 girl scout cookies lol but I will behave from this day forward.

hump day

It's hump day and on my daily ride to work and I'm loving this spring weather its supposed to get up to 70 today but still a little cold in the am.  I can't believe March is here it seems like yesterday that we were bringing in the new year.  I haven't had much time to blog with work bills dealing with Jr his surgery and just life overall I'm ready to conk out at the end of each day.  In the time since Jr has had the surgery I can see an improvement in his speech and his hearing when he watches tv and when we call him and I'm hoping we will continue to see improvement but what we have to work on now is his behavior and potty training.  The wheels of the court system are turning very slow for me which means my divorce is going to take even longer for it to be finalized which frustrates me b/c this is a chapter of my life I want to close already and it seems like this lawyer is disorganized and shortage of staff in court isn't making this any easier and now they're claiming a consultant is needed to pension benefits if you ask me its just bs to make more money off the client.  So I'm looking at a tentative month of July maybe even further either way I will breathe a sigh of relief when all is said and done.  I've been trying to fix up my apt got a new lap top and I'm trying to live happy which isn't always easy sometimes.  There is also economic uncertainty at wk where the cmsr called for the shut down of my unit they calmed everyone down but its only a matter of time and I want to be prepared so I'm sprucing my resume and thinking of going back to school to prepare myself I've come to the point where I want to advance myself and I don't want to struggle economically anymore.  I looked into benefits for Jr and I'm hoping they will approve him as it will make things much easier for us.  I'm looking up and I'm not even in the city yet so I now I will be late darn the price I pay for not setting the alarm.  As far as the dating scene goes my hunches were right he told me he got in contact with someone whom they used to like each other but couldn't do anything since they were attached when I heard this my heart shattered into a million pieces I didn't see it coming we had a great wknd previous to this he said it was nothing I said or did which didnt make me feel any better or mend my ego I don't think he expected I would stop contact but I did and it was a hard decision to make but I'm not going to stand by the sidelines while you play the field or have me as a back up plan and still having the same arrangement men or ppl in general want to have their cake and eat it too nope I will quit while I'm ahead and maintain my dignity and prevent myself from getting hurt even worse.  It's sad b/c I really liked him a lot fun to be around but sometimes things take a weird turn and I'm tired of trying to figure ppl out in all aspects of my life honestly so I'm taking it as a hard lesson learned and while I'm feeling much better about things it will take me a while to venture out into the dating scene again b/c ppl are full of shit and want to play games and at this stage of my life I'm too old for games and drama I need a mature guy in my age group not the bs I read on these dating sites and just what I see in day to day life.  I guess its not my time yet well time to get off the 6 train and begin my work day with a cup of coffee

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running late

On my daily ride to work and I'm running late due to hitting my snooze button my cell alarm and I hate running late b/c it totally throws me off course and it seems like the crowds of ppl become more annoying as the rush hour passes I always hope that woman with her annoying kids doesn't get on or some mental case or annoying subway performers or prophets that want to inform us the rapture is near I guess asking for a quiet ride to work when you're running late is too much too ask lol just like getting a seat on the way home.  hope I'm.not too late I know I will need some caffeine to keep me awake throughout the morning the slow down in work load doesn't help this the sun will peak out later and it does wonders for the mood

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a long week

On my morning ride to work and its freezing outside I am looking fwd to the spring weather for longer days and lighter clothes.  This has been an emotionally exhausting week for me it seems like everything is going wrong dealing with family stress financial stresses and just the stress of living in this city alone can get to me at times.  Trying to find affordable food at the grocery store has become a challenge I was only able to get one pkg of chicken yes only one at stop & shop tried key food did a little better but still came up short smh.  Everything is going up but your paycheck and its crazy that the average person can't get by these days the outrageous rent is another issue.  I applied online for food stamps and I'm waiting to get the official finger sign from HRA telling me I don't qualify b/c I earn too much yeah ok there but I guess you have to literally be on skid row to get anything its ridiculous.  My cell phone has been acting up and the software issue was fixed but now its the volume button the insurance deductible to replace an HTC $100 I thought gtfo for a phone that they're only offering for exchange and no longer selling unreal they will give u a song and dance just not to have to replace a phone which kind of defeats the purpose of insurance doesn't it ? Smh I'm just reporting it lost.  I'm still undecided whether I'm going to stay with Sprint or go to metro pcs I really don't want to be bound by any contracts.  On top of all the bs I've been dealing with now I haven't heard from him and I'm wondering what's wrong b/c the last time we Hung out we had a good time and seem to be on the same page he finally responded saying he's been busy sick and thinking "thinking" about what I ask myself I'm not on your **** all the time so what could it be if theres anything I hate more is being in an uncertain situation I know he's been through a lot as I have but I'm not sure if I really want to continue to deal with all of this indecisiveness I'm being told to take things slow but it would be nice to have an idea of where things are going smh the sad part is I have a feeling its not good and usually my hunches are right :(  I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst this is the part of being on the scene I don't miss at all.  Yesterday went to do my taxes and I got blessed by uncle Sam which I really could use it but I'm not going to crazy like a lot of ppl do b/c money goes like water I want to save some put some in Jr acct and maybe buy a new computer and probably downgrade my cell phone.  This week has dragged on and I can't wait till tomorrow Friday will be here did my usual am stop for coffee at dunkin donuts and I'm going to try to make the best of today I'm not texting or calling him I may go to zumba at lunch to make up for this week if not there's always next week well its past 9 time to start working

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wknds fly by too fast

January flew by and February has arrived . It's tuesday morning and I'm on my daily am ride to work.  I was super exhausted yesterday and on Sunday. This past weekend I made s trip to Delaware to visit a friend and it was great to get out of the city hang out and sleep in w/o any interruptions but the weekend went by too quick and Sunday it was time to come home and deal with bs.  We went to Fridays on Friday night and I have to say that was the most loud and rowdy crowd I have ever seen some ppl don't know how to act in public add booze to the mix and it unravels smh. Saturday we went to mixto a restaurant in philly which I enjoyed a lot drink was well made and gave me a good buzz and a tres leches cake that was one of the best I ever had.  If it wasn't so cold that night it would've been nice to take a walk around the city to explore and take pictures.  My feeling of relaxed and peace came to a halt when I came home Sunday having to deal with  more bs and do grocery shopping that has become more challenging since now I have to budget rent into my monthly expenses and not having a ride to meat market is putting a strain on me I can really see how some ppl can become vegeterians b/c not only is not good to eat too much red meat but its also expensive.  I finally let him know that I know about the other woman b/c I was tired of the games and the lies and my son is already mentioning her and her kids names yet he denied it till the end I mean its obviously over between us but be honest about it why hide the obvious? I think in a way he probably feels better that its out in the open now.  I just want to live my life in peace and as drama free as possible but it seems like that never happens having my family live next door has been a blessing and a curse more lately a curse smh.  You never realize how much drama ppl have until they live close.  Today is the giants parade and while I'm happy they won I'm not happy about.the street closings crowds and being late to work getting my am coffee at dunkin donuts was like going through an obstacle course smh due to the crowds.  Not even going to attempt at lunch so brought some with me.  Still talking to Mr A last time we spent together was great we had a good time and very passionate it seems like if we were kissing forever I think that's the only time I'm actually able to forget about everything when we are together I can focus on being me and not have to worry about bills rent family etc. Etc.  We all need distraction once in a while and he is mine I haven't felt like this in years but I'm keeping a level head and taking things slowly b/c I don't want to get hurt or want to hurt anyone either.  I'm hoping this week goes by fast b/c I can sure use another pay check or a winning lotto ticket

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first entry of 2012

It's been a little bit since I've posted on here it seems like I'm either always tired, busy, or on the run to the gym, appts., etc. Xmas was nice since the family arrived back to NY in the beginning of December and it's been an adjustment for them getting used to NYC life again and an adjustment for me living door to door literally. While it's a big blessing it can also be a curse at the same time lol. Jr is getting bigger badder and saying more words and trying my patience every single day. He's doing well in school which is a good thing and I'm hoping that he will continue to improve. My commute to and from work has also improved as he no longer goes to the sitter anymore which is a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders I'm always on time to work now and I'm not aggravated in the am trying to get him out of bed, dressed and out the front door to run and catch buses to eventually get to the subway. Now I'm able to wake up a little later and just walk a few blocks to the train and cross my fingers that the train ride will be uneventful. So far my new years resolutions is to be better at managing my finances as it's pitful how my savings looks and with all of the black friday damage, xmas shopping let's just say I have to start doing some serious rebuilding of it. I also have to get back on track diet wise due to the holiday season with eating all of that good food and just me being bad I have to cut out all of the sweets and crap that tempts me to not eat healthy I now weigh between 170-175 I've lost over 40 lbs so far and I feel wonderful about that but I'd like to lose another 15-20 lbs so that's going to have take some serious will power from me and staying away from sweets. This past weekend and week was a tiring one a lot of errands and things to do some work weeks drag on some fly by well this one dragged on forever I'm relieved for Friday to finally have arrived and I look forward to the looking weekend as we have off due to MLK day. New Years Eve was bitter sweet I tend to get sad around that time of year b/c I think about all the things that have happened through out the year and what could've been but this year I wasn't so bad I was happy this new year's eve as I was looking forward to a new year new beginning. 2011 wasn't an easy year for me and I'm hoping 2012 will bring me luck, health and happiness and the strength to pursue everything I didn't achieve in 2011. A guy I've been talking to from match has really got my attention and I invited him over NYE we had drinks conversation and there was a strong attraction between let's just say we brought in the new year with a bang literally lmao. I had never done that on the first mtg but let's face I was long over due to get laid and the fact that I had way too much booze just added to it but it was an awesome night and morning. I had forgotten what that feels like have someone be attracted to me and desire me. He's a freak and I'm getting to see a side of things that I would've never pursued with any of my previous relationships, etc. they say you learn something from every experience and if nothing else comes out of this I will have learned to be more open have fun and not be so inhibited about things. I sort of messed things up after but apologized but it's been a while since I've been on the scene so things have changed a lot. Everything seems cool but we'll see where things go. I've learned not to expect too much as when we put high expectations we are usually disappointed. So far we haven't had any major snow storms so far and I'm glad b/c I have no boots and I'm hoping that we don't get anything but cold weather. I also installed a lock on my door to keep my ex out and to have some type of privacy since I think it's no longer fair that he feels he can have the run of my place. I spoke to the attorney this week and he informed that I may be divorced even faster than 6 months which I was so happy when I found this out b/c this is something that is dragged out much longer than it needs to be he mentioned due to the county where papers were filed they're fast so it will be 3-4 months and that this when I can turn the page and start the rest of my life at times it feels weird that I'm alone after you're with a person for so many years you have to start finding yourself again and I realize that while it's hard it's for the best and one day when the time is right maybe I will find someone to share my life with again but for now I will try to live have fun and see what direction life takes me.

ending of a year

It's been a busy last month and a half with the arrival of my family from Florida and just the daily life routine I haven't had much time for posting. Thanksgiving was bitter sweet and quiet due to the situation but Xmas will be different with family being around and all its amazing how many things can happen in one years time I was still married and we had been celebrating Xmas in Florida for the past few yrs now it will be here in nyc and now I'm alone in the process of divorce and these past few months haven't been easy emotionally financially or otherwise but with the support of friends and family therapist I've been able to find the inner strength within myself to push forward and keep living my life. Now that this year is coming to a close I'm looking forward to a new year new beginning and trying to take it one day at a time I'm impressed with how much weight I've lost but my first onofficial new years resolution is to drop another 20 lbs it will be hard but worth it. Another is to have better money mgmt skills. Lately I've been feeling a feeling I haven't felt in a long time happiness. I've been talking to someone from site I'm a member of and after many disappointing encounters I got a wink from this individual and after being let down so many times b/c bs comes in all shades of brown and from many places I almost didnt reply but took a chance and I'm glad I did I forgot what the feeling of the dating scene talking and flirtation is lol we've had interesting and steamy conversations but I'm looking fwd to the meeting and it seems like something always gets in the way but I will be patient as the right time will come. I'm praying that this will be a good thing as I'm tired of the drama feeling hurt and worrying about the past and things that are over and done. Happy is a good feeling and I want to experience more of this feeling in the coming year '12. Things with the divorce are moving forward and I'm anxious to sign and move forward but the slow wheels of the court system and lawyers who drag their feet make moving on that much slower than it should be but I know I will probably feel sad and cry when that day comes but I will also feel relieved I realize that I can't continue to beat myself up over this we I tried my best and he did too sometimes even our best isn't good enough sometimes . Received Jr progress report and he's doing well in school has issues with sharing which is normal for toddlers but overall is good. I'm finally taking some time for me to go to Dr and get checked out since its been a while want to make sure all is right with me. Tomorrow is the last day before Xmas eve and I will take it do last minute shopping as it will be a ghost town in the office well off to another session and window shopping in queens hoping to find some newthings with ny &co gift card

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