windy wednesday

Last night I had a great work out but it always seems when I'm going to work out it's always raining hard and windy outside which doesn't do much for your umbrella especially if it's a cheap one. When I'm walking in the street I see the public trash cans full of those cheap umbrellas or lot of them broken. I went to my appt last night and I haven't gained or lost weigh and while I'm glad I haven't gained any weight I'm kind of disappointed I haven't lost any more weight but a part of it is my fault b/c I have to start making better diet choices and resist sweets which is very hard for me to do. I'm even considering joining weight watchers even though I really can't afford it. After a tiring day I had no problem falling asleep last night and I woke up early before 5 to be exact so I'm sure I will be feeling it tonight. Tonight is our counseling visit and he's expressed that he wants to stop going and I think eventually I do too while they both encourage that it's a good thing for us it's also an inconvenience and an additional expense to leave jr at the sitter while we are there so I think down the road we will stop going so I can free up my wednesdays again. Today was a very cold windy morning thank goodness I put jr coat on and put on my jacket and I was hoping what I hope everyday to be on time I get into the city and the Dunkin donuts has no hot chocolate only mint chocolate so I had to walk around the block to the next one making me 5 minutes late unreal I mean seriously it's the city morning rush they should make sure that they have enough supplies for the customers. My stepfather finally went on the road last night and made it to FL before 2pm which is excellent timing and they should be on the road by tomorrow or friday. I'm anxious to see my mother my brother again and the cats. I'm sure it's going to be a hectic few days while they get settled it's going to be an adjustment process but I will be glad to have her back again. I decided to pull the plug on the other dating site I was on b/c honestly I lost my patience and interest in the person I was talking to after not getting a response to my question or any indications of us mtg up or a text msg I decided to disable my account b/c as I said in my previous entry I'm way too old to be playing games like this leave this type of crap for teenagers I'm sure he is a nice guy but like the first they have a lot of issues b/c of bad break ups and while I understand the pain and trauma this can have on a person if you don't put yourself out there you will never know and if you just want a friend to talk to you just say that and don't waste a person's time so next in line please. I received a message from a guy on my other site and he seems like a very nice respectable guy and we have a lot in common and he's cute so I'm crossing my fingers things will lead to at least a meeting and just take things slowly. It's fun chatting with someone who actually shows interest in you. I haven't felt happy in a long time and I look forward to feeling that way again provided it is the right person. The only thing that kind of scared me is he has a pit bull and I'm not really fond of dogs especially that breed but he says she's a good girl well I sure hope so so if we ever do meet I don't have my hand torn off. Lunch time I had my lean cuisine healthy pizza and went for my walk couldn't find my $5 headphones so I had to spend $8 on maxell phones well it's better than nothing it's simply tortorous not being to listen to music while getting work done at my desk or tuning out the commuter noise. Well the 3:00 stretch has arrived I look forward to the week end to get some much needed rest and prepare for their arrival this weekend.

another fun ride

It was a very boring day at work today to the point that not even my music or the web helped. I went to return my last pair of jeans and got some other stuff since I've lost weight shopping has become fun again now I'm on the dreaded 7 train and its packed with the usual aholes who slam their way into a train or seat I'm a glutton for punishment I either like this zumba instructor a lot or I'm dedicated to working out or just plain stupid I really wish astoria would change back to their old schedule so I can go back less congested and less crowded. Have another appt so I will be leaving class early again I hope to get a good spot tonight I'm hoping when I return home he will have nothing to say b/c I'm honestly not in the mood to hear it. Well off to zumba and forget about everything and relax

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tired tuesday

The year is almost over and it's been quite a year thanksgiving came and went and after the thanksgiving parade once Santa makes his appearance it's the official start of the xmas season and shopping plus black friday. I'm just not into the holiday spirit this year with the separation which will eventually become a divorce I felt very depressed this year it was only me and another relative who cooked the turkey and rice, etc. it's better to be with someone than totally alone on the holidays but for most of the morning I just lounged and watched tv and eventually got dressed took advantage of the nice weather and got some laundry done and take a walk to get my mind off of things. The dinner was excellent as it always is but the feeling I'd always get in holidays past isn't there but I'm hoping xmas will be better since my mother and brother are coming back. They say divorce is like a death I think it's worse b/c with a death there's separation a divorce while there's separation you have ties to this person and still have to have interaction especially when there's a kid involved like my case makes the healing process that much harder it's always a constant reminder of the failure of the relationship I try not to think about it so much and be so hard on myself but I'm a person who puts very high standards on myself and sometimes when things don't work out I tend to feel really bad about things. The dating scene is another situation putting yourself out there isn't easy and so far I've talked to two people and it's just that talking no meetings yet and I'm kind of wondering what the point of this is? Talking is good but if you don't interact with someone how will you know if you both click or not? I've been talking with someone for over a month and I think he's a nice guy and cute but honestly I'm starting to lose my patience with him and I actually pointed that out to him and I wanted to know what he thought so far and I got no response. I'm too old to play games like this seriously I understand you've been hurt and all but if you don't try to let someone in and let them get to know you and allow yourself to be cared for you're losing out on a potentially good experience sometimes I also look at this as a sign that maybe I need to stay alone for a while as many people suggested but I have to say that being alone isn't easy and considering that I haven't gotten laid in a while keeps being something that I constantly battle with but sometimes it's the best thing considering all the idiots out there on the dating scene. I recently got an email from someone on a dating scene who seemed really nice and wanted to give me his number but I'm very hesistant b/c I'm thinking is this going to be another dead end? So my response has been in draft status until I decide or if I decide to respond. He's also in law enforcement like my ex which my mother isn't happy about at all she says they have a bad reputation but what she doesn't realize is that the end of my marriage had nothing to do with what he does for a living while sometimes it was hard to conform to the schedule and I'd get upset when he was out of the house a lot there were serious issues between us that caused the demise of the relationship. It was a mutual thing he messed up and so did I could I have been a better wife? Sure I could've could he have been a better partner? of course but sometimes things just don't work out. Last night on my way home from work he calls to tell me about my place being a mess again and I just didn't feel like arguing about I just yes him to death and when I arrived home it was akward. I cleaned up a little took down laundry and folded new clothing I tried to keep to the back of my apt and when I was done it was off to the gym near my way for zumba. I had never taken her before and I liked her class will look into taking it again as travelling long distances can take it's toll after a while on me this class I'm home in 10 minutes tops which is convenient. Today is tuesday and I feel just as tired and mundane as yesterday I'm hoping by wednesday I feel somewhat better. One of the things I took advantage of this week is black friday I took advantage of some good deals online and off and spent a ton of money but I'm happy with the things I got sadly I had to return my jeans b/c of the size but everything is good. This weather is very weird for this time of year it feels like spring instead of Fall but I'm sure the cold weather will come eventually again and we'll be wishing for the sun and warmth again. I'm trying to stay focused and awake at my desk not very easy to do at times. Going to try to get through this week and keep in mind that things can be a lot worse than they are and just try to keep my spirits up and look forward to when my mother arrives possibly this weekend which things will become so much easier once she arrives.

under the covers wednesday

Ever have one of those days where you just don't feel like doing much? or everything is going wrong? Well today started off like that. I had zero motivation and I winded up missing my earlier bus plus two connecting buses I just felt like walking home and going back to bed and the slow speed of the trains doesn't help. What made me even later was that the park entrances have been closed due to Occupy Wall Street (OWS) coming to Foley Square while I get their plight go home already I as well as other New yorkers are in a rush to get to work on time. Yesterday was a busy day here as we were given the go ahead to start moving back into our original space what was going to be a few weeks in a temp space turned into 5 months but that's the city speed of working not actual time. If there is one thing I hate more it's moving whether it's office moving or moving to another apartment. It's when you realize how much crap you accumulate in your drawers or b/c you have so much crap you start finding things that you couldn't find for months and seem brand new all of a sudden. I cleaned out my desk and shredded and I'm sure I'm going to have more shredding and organizing to do once my box gets up stairs. I cleaned my old spot before I left which is something most people don't do at least I'm considerate in that way. When we arrived downstairs we had our work cut out for us the spaces were a mess and I wondered how can people work under these filthy conditions I had to spray my spot 3 times just sanitize and clean alcohol on the phones, etc. Cleaned up here as well. I haven't been feeling well since yesterday he told me not to go to my usual gym which pissed me off b/c I like that class but I didn't want to argue with him so I did but our agreement was he'd meet me half way when I was done but this one likes to change things and make them up as he goes along another one of our many issues. B/c of how I felt I really wasn't into class last night I probably should've just went home. I got home and my step father had made dinner for which I'm eternally grateful b/c I sure didn't have the energy to do it. I took left overs for today's lunch and I printed out a whole bunch of recipes off the internet to inspire myself to stop being lazy and cook during the week. We'll see if I follow through b/c take out can get expensive even if I try to keep it cheap like I usually do nothing like food made at home. He also saw the apt across the hall and he liked it and most likely they're going to take it and you can't get any closer than right across the hall from each other but it kind of complicates things if I want to have "company" eventually LOL so I may decide to move once things settle down and I have the money and time to look for a place. I will still remain in the neighborhood b/c I do like the area for it's conveniences. This year has been hard and I'm not exactly in the holiday spirit this year due to all of changes I've been going through and continuing to go through. I'm usually very into thanksgiving and xmas but for the past few years I haven't even put up a tree since I've gone down to FL for xmas in the past but this year I will be at home and my mother is asking me if I'm putting up a tree and honestly I don't feel like it but I will do some decorating even if it's just lights on the windows. I think Mr. Woodside (won't use anyone's real name) is coming around he msg me last night but I was knocked out due to being exhausted but our conversations are always good but he's jaded too I can't blame him so am I so I suggested that we meet just as friends this way there are no expectations. When you say "date" there are expectations and nerves kick in, etc. or as someone put on their date site this is my online date resume. It's almost like a job interview if you think about it b/c we're all looking for a certain look, personality, even some go as far as a certain income and an educational background. No expectations in my opinion is best if something happens great if not it will be just another hang out partner which is great the more friends the better. I can always use some distraction from the daily life routine/stress. I'm in deseprate need of a vacation and this year I want to go someplace different other than Florida while Florida is great and there are many parts to see I want to go somewhere where I've never been like California or any other state it would be a great experience. Well it's past 9 and it's time to finish getting settled back into my spot I sure hope I feel better at the end of the day

life recap

I usually make time to blog but lately I've been so busy with my day to day things going on in my life that I didn't have much time for it last month. Last month Jr started pre-school and he seemed to get used to it pretty fast but as with everything there's always some source of stress or stupidity going on and lately it's with the bus company who picks him up they're consistently late too lazy to ring a bill to let his sitter know they're outside and a request to get him velcro closure sneakers b/c they're too damn lazy to tie his shoes and I ask myself wtf is wrong with people it seems like no one wants to do their freaking jobs these days everyone is always looking for an easy way out. I finally caved in and got the velcro closure sneakers b/c I was tired of hearing about it but the bus issue is yet to be resolved. He missed one day of school this week which pissed me off due to their incompetence and he can't miss school b/c he needs his therapy sessions and I've noticed that it's working b/c he's speaking more clearer and using a lot more words. Last week I was called to go in and pick him up b/c he had the runs and honestly by the time I left work @1 and had to wait for that annoying J train he could've went home in the school bus. It pissed me off b/c I could've used those 2 hours of sick leave for something really important these people think that everyone has the luxury of staying home or staying home and living off the system and I don't I have to go to work and my hours of leave have to be conserved they say that they "understand" working parents um no you don't if you expect to drop everything at a moment's notice so I'm crossing my fingers his grandmother gets here by the end of this month so if he's sick she can get him. This Halloween jr was spongebob and he looked adorable his father took him trick or treating around the area and he came home with a huge bag of candy. It was sad that we didn't do the tradition of taking him to Sesame Place as we had done in previous years but due to situation it wasn't possible. We can only tolerate each other in small doses for short periods of time and honestly he gets on my freaking nerves after a while. Last weekend began my free weekend my first one I had in a very long time so I treasure them to just clean sometimes run errands shop or just do nothing but lounge. Friday night I went out with a good friend of mine to Chili's for dinner in long island I'd rather go to Westbury to not so crowded and very easy to find parking we had some frozen strawberry margaritas 2 for 1 and I loved it b/c with all of the stress I feel I needed one and it was strong and the fact that I hadn't eaten just made me get buzzed that much faster it was great we both blew off some steam and it feels great to have a person to listen at times. I look forward to doing it more often. He says he's going to take me to a lounge and I think I went to one once and I didn't like it but I'm sure there are better ones. Lounge/Bar/Clubs have never been my scene even in my 20's so now that I find myself alone again it's an area I'm looking to explore but he warns that we have to be cautious with the ones you attend b/c they can attract certain kinds of crowds and this is sort of the reasons I'd avoid the scene altogether b/c for one or a few idiots the whole evening can get ruined and now that I'm in my 30's I want to deal with that shit even less. Near my area I saw a dance studio offering dance classes in bachata, salsa, for beginners, etc. and each time I've passed by in the car I always hear the music and I notice everyone seems to have so much fun b/c while I may be hispanic I can't dance to save my life sad but true I need to learn how to relax and let loose so I might consider it. The most exposure I get to dance is when I go to my zumba classes which have also helped lose a lot of weight so far I've lost 36 lbs and I'm 25 lbs away from my goal I started doing more work on the machines particularly the ab machine b/c while I've lost a lot of weight I'm trying to get rid of the belly and be able to be ready for summer again when the time comes. My last visit at the dr I lost 3 more lbs but the constant battle I have is the diet I slip up a lot and I need to have better will power and stay away from sweets which is my downfall. I notice my old navy sweet heart jeans are starting to get loose which means I'm going to need a 10 soon seems like it happened so fast I mistakenly bought a 10 levis a few weeks back but they fit pretty well a little tight in the waist but they stretch. I still have been cleaning out my drawers to make room for the smaller clothing. I've also gone out and bought make up some I barely would wear in the past so it seems like i'm reconnecting and taking better care of me but many things remain up in the air like when this divorce is going to be final and how fast time flies it's been 3 months since he moved out before you know it a year will have passed by. Life happens and time waits for no one so I'm trying to enjoy my life and live in peace but I have to admit I can get lonely at times and with my hectic schedule it's hard to make time for me and with the current assortment of douche bags on the dating scene doesn't make it easier and while to some it may seem like I'm moving too fast into that scene having a friend to go out with once in a while and I have to admit the fact that I haven't gotten laid in months is and has been starting to grow on me lol so much that I feel like I'm going to go up the wall at times people have told me to get toys alrighty there and just have a fwb (friend with benefits) something I NEVER considered in the past I pretty much was a straight arrow of a person when it came to things like that but lately my hormones are singing a different tune but I'm cautious about the emotional consequences of this. Maybe a friend of some sort is just what the dr ordered lol we'll see what happens b/c I don't think I want anything serious right now as I haven't even signed on the dotted line and the emotional side effects from that isn't going to be easy but I will feel a sense of relief when it finally does happen but also a sense of sadness and failure. A guy I've been talking to and I gave my number hasnt called and I asked him about as I'm very direct and he confessed that he was hesitant and shy I was like wow I never expect to hear that from a guy it surprised me but it also made me feel a jerk b/c I kind of misjudged him since I hadn't heard from him I guess I'm not the only who is cautious of putting themselves out there. Very sad but unfortunately there are a lot of aholes, game players, out there who don't consider the feelings of people they come in contact with so I will keep on talking to him and see where it goes and I hope we do meet even if its to be friends (regular) friends. Some good news came our way the real estate told me that there's two available apartments in the area so it will be possible for my mother to return back to NY and I'm crossing my fingers things go well b/c I can sure use her help. It's been hard all of these years without especially when jr was a baby and a younger toddler. November 5 jr turned 3 and it seemed like 3 years just flew by just like that it seems like yesterday that I gave birth and I was bringing him home from the hospital. He can be a handful at times but he's my joy. I'd love to have another baby one of these days if I actually find a guy who is for real and isn't just another one who I will put under the douche bag category. I'm learning a lot of hard lessons from this separation and some of them is that life is too short and you can't forget about yourself which in a way I did for many years and no matter how bad we want something sometimes it's just not meant to be. I'm sure there will be others just haven't thought of them yet. Talking to my sitter I realize I'm not the only one who's going through changes two other women are going through some real messed up stuff and I ask myself sometimes wth is wrong with us as people? what do we want? I think a lot of people's expectations are unrealistic. I heard her say one of the husbands is leaving her b/c she's chubby totally ridiculous. People who seek perfection will be sorely disappointed b/c it doesn't exist true real love is unconditional . Let him find a barbie doll even they get lose their novelty after a while. Beauty is only skin deep or in the eye of the beholder and I think self respect, good morals, and intelligence matters more than physical beauty b/c you can beautiful on the outside but if you have nothing more than your looks to bring to table that's sad. Or the ones who expect you to work a full time job clean and have an old school latino dinner every freakin day those days are gone and times have changed but some people never evolve. I made an attempt for my son's sake to celebrate his birthday with his father on saturday and it didn't work out he just aggravated me to no end and I had to pay for my movie and half of the meal which is sort of a slap in the face b/c had it been me I know I would've paid for the meal for him but some people are just in a class by themselves. Words were exchanged feelings were hurt and I said NEVER again but at least we get a A for effort for trying the most important thing is jr enjoyed his bday for the most part. Counseling has worked for the most part and at times emotions just get in the way but I'm able to communicate better b/c of it and we are for the sake of jr but it's a long road but in the end I think everyone will be happier b/c of it. I look forward to the new adventures that may come my way in the next few months and on that note I have to get back to work b/c it's past 10 and things have to get done.