life recap

I usually make time to blog but lately I've been so busy with my day to day things going on in my life that I didn't have much time for it last month. Last month Jr started pre-school and he seemed to get used to it pretty fast but as with everything there's always some source of stress or stupidity going on and lately it's with the bus company who picks him up they're consistently late too lazy to ring a bill to let his sitter know they're outside and a request to get him velcro closure sneakers b/c they're too damn lazy to tie his shoes and I ask myself wtf is wrong with people it seems like no one wants to do their freaking jobs these days everyone is always looking for an easy way out. I finally caved in and got the velcro closure sneakers b/c I was tired of hearing about it but the bus issue is yet to be resolved. He missed one day of school this week which pissed me off due to their incompetence and he can't miss school b/c he needs his therapy sessions and I've noticed that it's working b/c he's speaking more clearer and using a lot more words. Last week I was called to go in and pick him up b/c he had the runs and honestly by the time I left work @1 and had to wait for that annoying J train he could've went home in the school bus. It pissed me off b/c I could've used those 2 hours of sick leave for something really important these people think that everyone has the luxury of staying home or staying home and living off the system and I don't I have to go to work and my hours of leave have to be conserved they say that they "understand" working parents um no you don't if you expect to drop everything at a moment's notice so I'm crossing my fingers his grandmother gets here by the end of this month so if he's sick she can get him. This Halloween jr was spongebob and he looked adorable his father took him trick or treating around the area and he came home with a huge bag of candy. It was sad that we didn't do the tradition of taking him to Sesame Place as we had done in previous years but due to situation it wasn't possible. We can only tolerate each other in small doses for short periods of time and honestly he gets on my freaking nerves after a while. Last weekend began my free weekend my first one I had in a very long time so I treasure them to just clean sometimes run errands shop or just do nothing but lounge. Friday night I went out with a good friend of mine to Chili's for dinner in long island I'd rather go to Westbury to not so crowded and very easy to find parking we had some frozen strawberry margaritas 2 for 1 and I loved it b/c with all of the stress I feel I needed one and it was strong and the fact that I hadn't eaten just made me get buzzed that much faster it was great we both blew off some steam and it feels great to have a person to listen at times. I look forward to doing it more often. He says he's going to take me to a lounge and I think I went to one once and I didn't like it but I'm sure there are better ones. Lounge/Bar/Clubs have never been my scene even in my 20's so now that I find myself alone again it's an area I'm looking to explore but he warns that we have to be cautious with the ones you attend b/c they can attract certain kinds of crowds and this is sort of the reasons I'd avoid the scene altogether b/c for one or a few idiots the whole evening can get ruined and now that I'm in my 30's I want to deal with that shit even less. Near my area I saw a dance studio offering dance classes in bachata, salsa, for beginners, etc. and each time I've passed by in the car I always hear the music and I notice everyone seems to have so much fun b/c while I may be hispanic I can't dance to save my life sad but true I need to learn how to relax and let loose so I might consider it. The most exposure I get to dance is when I go to my zumba classes which have also helped lose a lot of weight so far I've lost 36 lbs and I'm 25 lbs away from my goal I started doing more work on the machines particularly the ab machine b/c while I've lost a lot of weight I'm trying to get rid of the belly and be able to be ready for summer again when the time comes. My last visit at the dr I lost 3 more lbs but the constant battle I have is the diet I slip up a lot and I need to have better will power and stay away from sweets which is my downfall. I notice my old navy sweet heart jeans are starting to get loose which means I'm going to need a 10 soon seems like it happened so fast I mistakenly bought a 10 levis a few weeks back but they fit pretty well a little tight in the waist but they stretch. I still have been cleaning out my drawers to make room for the smaller clothing. I've also gone out and bought make up some I barely would wear in the past so it seems like i'm reconnecting and taking better care of me but many things remain up in the air like when this divorce is going to be final and how fast time flies it's been 3 months since he moved out before you know it a year will have passed by. Life happens and time waits for no one so I'm trying to enjoy my life and live in peace but I have to admit I can get lonely at times and with my hectic schedule it's hard to make time for me and with the current assortment of douche bags on the dating scene doesn't make it easier and while to some it may seem like I'm moving too fast into that scene having a friend to go out with once in a while and I have to admit the fact that I haven't gotten laid in months is and has been starting to grow on me lol so much that I feel like I'm going to go up the wall at times people have told me to get toys alrighty there and just have a fwb (friend with benefits) something I NEVER considered in the past I pretty much was a straight arrow of a person when it came to things like that but lately my hormones are singing a different tune but I'm cautious about the emotional consequences of this. Maybe a friend of some sort is just what the dr ordered lol we'll see what happens b/c I don't think I want anything serious right now as I haven't even signed on the dotted line and the emotional side effects from that isn't going to be easy but I will feel a sense of relief when it finally does happen but also a sense of sadness and failure. A guy I've been talking to and I gave my number hasnt called and I asked him about as I'm very direct and he confessed that he was hesitant and shy I was like wow I never expect to hear that from a guy it surprised me but it also made me feel a jerk b/c I kind of misjudged him since I hadn't heard from him I guess I'm not the only who is cautious of putting themselves out there. Very sad but unfortunately there are a lot of aholes, game players, out there who don't consider the feelings of people they come in contact with so I will keep on talking to him and see where it goes and I hope we do meet even if its to be friends (regular) friends. Some good news came our way the real estate told me that there's two available apartments in the area so it will be possible for my mother to return back to NY and I'm crossing my fingers things go well b/c I can sure use her help. It's been hard all of these years without especially when jr was a baby and a younger toddler. November 5 jr turned 3 and it seemed like 3 years just flew by just like that it seems like yesterday that I gave birth and I was bringing him home from the hospital. He can be a handful at times but he's my joy. I'd love to have another baby one of these days if I actually find a guy who is for real and isn't just another one who I will put under the douche bag category. I'm learning a lot of hard lessons from this separation and some of them is that life is too short and you can't forget about yourself which in a way I did for many years and no matter how bad we want something sometimes it's just not meant to be. I'm sure there will be others just haven't thought of them yet. Talking to my sitter I realize I'm not the only one who's going through changes two other women are going through some real messed up stuff and I ask myself sometimes wth is wrong with us as people? what do we want? I think a lot of people's expectations are unrealistic. I heard her say one of the husbands is leaving her b/c she's chubby totally ridiculous. People who seek perfection will be sorely disappointed b/c it doesn't exist true real love is unconditional . Let him find a barbie doll even they get lose their novelty after a while. Beauty is only skin deep or in the eye of the beholder and I think self respect, good morals, and intelligence matters more than physical beauty b/c you can beautiful on the outside but if you have nothing more than your looks to bring to table that's sad. Or the ones who expect you to work a full time job clean and have an old school latino dinner every freakin day those days are gone and times have changed but some people never evolve. I made an attempt for my son's sake to celebrate his birthday with his father on saturday and it didn't work out he just aggravated me to no end and I had to pay for my movie and half of the meal which is sort of a slap in the face b/c had it been me I know I would've paid for the meal for him but some people are just in a class by themselves. Words were exchanged feelings were hurt and I said NEVER again but at least we get a A for effort for trying the most important thing is jr enjoyed his bday for the most part. Counseling has worked for the most part and at times emotions just get in the way but I'm able to communicate better b/c of it and we are for the sake of jr but it's a long road but in the end I think everyone will be happier b/c of it. I look forward to the new adventures that may come my way in the next few months and on that note I have to get back to work b/c it's past 10 and things have to get done.

short week sypnosis

I really wish this rainy weather would stop it doesn't do much for the mood and I need to see the sun already. I think jr has gotten a cold from the change of weather. While it's been a short week it sure hasn't felt like a short work week. I've been up on and off through the night and I know I'm going to feel it tonight but I guess it's because I have a lot on my mind and sometimes this doesn't allow you to get the rest you need note to self take the rx to help you sleep. Yesterday was a long day again consisting of going to the gym and counseling afterward and yesterday I didn't feel as energetic in the gym as I did on Tuesday considering the fact the yesterday was my first day taking this GNC vitamin pack. I did the Just Dance class at the gym and maybe it was b/c we had a different instructor while he's good and energetic he does work you harder and does more jumping and while I've lost some weight I still have to be careful with the jumping and doing certain moves as I don't want to injure my knee or ankles. Once I've lost more weight these things shouldn't bother me as much. After the class I did 30 minutes on the treadmill but only burned 155.5 calories but I also set the machine slower b/c of pain in my knees and ankles I guess everyone is entitled to an off day. Yesterday's counseling session was okay at first I couldn't really find much to talk about in the beginning but we spoke about things that opened up old wounds like the bs with his family, etc. which made me angry and emotional but I noticed this time while I got emotional it wasn't as intense as before I was able to express myself without totally breaking down. He spoke of the divorce proceedings again and spoke of what was discussed with the lawyer and I'm usually pretty good at making decisions but this isn't that cut and dry and a lot of emotions are involved. While I don't undermine the pain of death and losing a loved one at all b/c I do know what that feels like but after a while there's the separation and things get easier with a divorce I think it's worse b/c the person is not dead and when there's a child in the mix and you still have to have contact with one another the healing process is that much more difficult. What he's offering financially for jr is fine with me but I was also told that I'd be entitled to spousal support for 3 yrs which would pretty much leave him broke while a woman scorned would probably wouldn't give a s* it made me think and a small part of me had a twinge of guilt while the extra income would be nice the only thing that's my priority is jr. Pension also came into play and while it wouldn't be much something is better than nothing and I'm not relinquishing that b/c while retirement is a long years away for us who knows what can happen and every little bit helps. He's trying to make this as painless and amicable as possible but it's very difficult and once I read those papers I'm sure I'm not going to like everything in it which is why I'm getting looked over by another attorney before I sign anything. I told him last night no amount of money can take away the pain and the hurt I feel and the ending of a marriage knowing that it didn't work and the reasons it couldn't work I feel like we failed at it and failure is such a bad feeling. I find myself thinking about things I could've done differently what could've been but at the end of the day I realize some things are just not meant to be. It has to be a mutual effort by both parties involved. Last night's counseling session made me realize that impasse we get to regarding his family and other issues are things we will never be on the same page on no matter how many times it's discussed and brought up and at this point it really doesn't matter anymore. He asked if he can watch TV here yesterday b/c there is no TV at his friend's place well how convenient I sarcastically said no tv you two must live a pretty boring existence and I also rubbed it in a little more and said oh he can't have a TV he's too busy singing the kanye west song himself which he says is a low blow but it's the truth. I told him both of them would be singing the same tune very soon. He then asks me to refer to which song and I'm thinking if you have to ask then how is it a low blow? He had 3 wives me, the cable box/dvr, xbox and we start to miss the comforts of home once we no longer have them. I told him not to get to used to the idea as I may be getting rid of cable myself Time Warner is ridiculously expensive and considering my financial situation I'm not sure if I could swing it anymore so if I don't get rid of completely I may downgrade the pkg. I sure wish Verizon Fios would hurry up and come to this area as I've heard it's the same service and cheaper. I also received a call from jr service coordinator mentioning that there's no ADA therapists who work evening hours and I'm thinking WTH more stress? What planet are these people living on? I have to work for a living! I sure wish I could just work part-time or work earlier hours than my 8-4 but that's not my reality or the reality of many other working parents these days who both have to work or have to work more than one job b/c of the ridiculous cost of living these days. She says she will try but she doesn't think she will be successful and considering that I'm going to be single parent in the very near future she's going to have try a little bit harder to find someone at least until my mother moves back to NYC. This is what I hate the most that these city agencies, therapists, always make things harder for parents instead of easier and these endless mtgs with rhetoric and jargon that leave even the person with half a brain in their wondering wth did she just say? Plain english anyone? A pill for relaxation or a drink or two is just what dr ordered about now. Tomorrow is Friday and I just want to chill out no appointments,no gym, nothing. I'm hoping one of my friends will be down to meet up so we can grab a bite to eat or do whatever and considering that I canceled twice on one hopefully my only time to have some real freedom won't be another attempt in vain. Well it's after 5:40 and I've spent all this time blogging when I should've been getting to the pile of dishes that's been there for 2 days and taking out the trash due to the side effects of exhaustion and just plain laziness at times. Hoping for an uneventful commute and an easy day at work and a E train that's not packed like a cattle car at the end of the day hope I will get at least one of these.