short week sypnosis

I really wish this rainy weather would stop it doesn't do much for the mood and I need to see the sun already. I think jr has gotten a cold from the change of weather. While it's been a short week it sure hasn't felt like a short work week. I've been up on and off through the night and I know I'm going to feel it tonight but I guess it's because I have a lot on my mind and sometimes this doesn't allow you to get the rest you need note to self take the rx to help you sleep. Yesterday was a long day again consisting of going to the gym and counseling afterward and yesterday I didn't feel as energetic in the gym as I did on Tuesday considering the fact the yesterday was my first day taking this GNC vitamin pack. I did the Just Dance class at the gym and maybe it was b/c we had a different instructor while he's good and energetic he does work you harder and does more jumping and while I've lost some weight I still have to be careful with the jumping and doing certain moves as I don't want to injure my knee or ankles. Once I've lost more weight these things shouldn't bother me as much. After the class I did 30 minutes on the treadmill but only burned 155.5 calories but I also set the machine slower b/c of pain in my knees and ankles I guess everyone is entitled to an off day. Yesterday's counseling session was okay at first I couldn't really find much to talk about in the beginning but we spoke about things that opened up old wounds like the bs with his family, etc. which made me angry and emotional but I noticed this time while I got emotional it wasn't as intense as before I was able to express myself without totally breaking down. He spoke of the divorce proceedings again and spoke of what was discussed with the lawyer and I'm usually pretty good at making decisions but this isn't that cut and dry and a lot of emotions are involved. While I don't undermine the pain of death and losing a loved one at all b/c I do know what that feels like but after a while there's the separation and things get easier with a divorce I think it's worse b/c the person is not dead and when there's a child in the mix and you still have to have contact with one another the healing process is that much more difficult. What he's offering financially for jr is fine with me but I was also told that I'd be entitled to spousal support for 3 yrs which would pretty much leave him broke while a woman scorned would probably wouldn't give a s* it made me think and a small part of me had a twinge of guilt while the extra income would be nice the only thing that's my priority is jr. Pension also came into play and while it wouldn't be much something is better than nothing and I'm not relinquishing that b/c while retirement is a long years away for us who knows what can happen and every little bit helps. He's trying to make this as painless and amicable as possible but it's very difficult and once I read those papers I'm sure I'm not going to like everything in it which is why I'm getting looked over by another attorney before I sign anything. I told him last night no amount of money can take away the pain and the hurt I feel and the ending of a marriage knowing that it didn't work and the reasons it couldn't work I feel like we failed at it and failure is such a bad feeling. I find myself thinking about things I could've done differently what could've been but at the end of the day I realize some things are just not meant to be. It has to be a mutual effort by both parties involved. Last night's counseling session made me realize that impasse we get to regarding his family and other issues are things we will never be on the same page on no matter how many times it's discussed and brought up and at this point it really doesn't matter anymore. He asked if he can watch TV here yesterday b/c there is no TV at his friend's place well how convenient I sarcastically said no tv you two must live a pretty boring existence and I also rubbed it in a little more and said oh he can't have a TV he's too busy singing the kanye west song himself which he says is a low blow but it's the truth. I told him both of them would be singing the same tune very soon. He then asks me to refer to which song and I'm thinking if you have to ask then how is it a low blow? He had 3 wives me, the cable box/dvr, xbox and we start to miss the comforts of home once we no longer have them. I told him not to get to used to the idea as I may be getting rid of cable myself Time Warner is ridiculously expensive and considering my financial situation I'm not sure if I could swing it anymore so if I don't get rid of completely I may downgrade the pkg. I sure wish Verizon Fios would hurry up and come to this area as I've heard it's the same service and cheaper. I also received a call from jr service coordinator mentioning that there's no ADA therapists who work evening hours and I'm thinking WTH more stress? What planet are these people living on? I have to work for a living! I sure wish I could just work part-time or work earlier hours than my 8-4 but that's not my reality or the reality of many other working parents these days who both have to work or have to work more than one job b/c of the ridiculous cost of living these days. She says she will try but she doesn't think she will be successful and considering that I'm going to be single parent in the very near future she's going to have try a little bit harder to find someone at least until my mother moves back to NYC. This is what I hate the most that these city agencies, therapists, always make things harder for parents instead of easier and these endless mtgs with rhetoric and jargon that leave even the person with half a brain in their wondering wth did she just say? Plain english anyone? A pill for relaxation or a drink or two is just what dr ordered about now. Tomorrow is Friday and I just want to chill out no appointments,no gym, nothing. I'm hoping one of my friends will be down to meet up so we can grab a bite to eat or do whatever and considering that I canceled twice on one hopefully my only time to have some real freedom won't be another attempt in vain. Well it's after 5:40 and I've spent all this time blogging when I should've been getting to the pile of dishes that's been there for 2 days and taking out the trash due to the side effects of exhaustion and just plain laziness at times. Hoping for an uneventful commute and an easy day at work and a E train that's not packed like a cattle car at the end of the day hope I will get at least one of these.

back on track

This past weekend was the typical routine with a bonus day off Monday. I was able to get some errands done and have some time to relax. I got a visit from a friend this weekend which is good b/c I don't get to see her all the time. Yesterday was like any typical morning I'm trying to drag myself out of bed and the weather was unseasonably cold in the 60's and raining. Which is totally weird b/c Monday was humid sunny and warm. I actually had to wear a hoody and put long pants on jr. I was able to get to work on time considering that the train stood in the station for what seemed like an eternity. I managed to get a considerable amount of work done and when it was time for lunch I went to the gym and took zumba it was good b/c while I usually go on Thursdays the class on Tuesdays isn't as crowded which gives everyone a lot more space to exercise. After the class the rain really started to come down I went to GNC to look for a fat burner and winded up buying a pkg that comes with the multi-vitamin, energy & metabolism and other things for $29.99 for the first 7 days of the month you get $20 off and other discounts. After work I went to the gym again to kill time before my appointment after 7. I took a new class called kick some abs it was okay after the class was over I did the treadmill for a little over a half hr. I burned 300 calories on the treadmill when I entered all of the food and activity in fitness pal I burned over 940 calories which is great and a first time achievement b/c I've never burned that much since I started exercising. I started keeping track of what I eat through the fitness pal tracker as I got lazy during my vacation days and I didn't realize that when my phone got factory reset I didn't realize I lost the app also. After getting off the treadmill I felt kind of dizzy so I caught my breath and went to the lockeroom and sat for a few seconds. When it was time for me to walk to the office the rain really started to come down which makes a short walk seem longer. My appointment was for 7:15 I didn't get until after that when I actually had to ask what was going on. I can never get what is the point of appointments and scheduling software if you can't keep the times. I talked to her and I was given two rxs to help me sleep and relax. Before she gave them to me I was weighed and since I've started I've lost 26 lbs. but she says I still have to lose more which I know of course. This has encouraged me to keep going and try to keep my diet healthier and avoid sweets and other junk I shouldn't eat. I can't eat it if I don't buy it. It was after 8 pm when I left the office and the weather being bad mr fashion show offered to pick me up and while I probably would've said no on any given occassion the weather and my tiredness made me say yes. Jr was happy to see me and I went to pick up rx and stuff for him. I told him I'd be using his card since my funds are limited and I figure he's the reason behind the rx so why not let him pay for it. When I got home I had my leftovers from the previous night gave jr his bath and put him to bed it was after 9 and I just crashed with him it was a long day but an active one. Today is our counseling session and I'm wondering where this session will go today. I will go to the gym before the session to help me relax and just keep with the weekly exercise routine. I've yet to find an exercise to tone my stomach and abs that doesn't hurt my neck *sigh* if anyone has any suggestions I'd like to hear them b/c it seems like I've lost weight everywhere but not enough in this area. I notice when I jumped I notice a slight jiggle so have work on toning the rear too but not as much as the stomach. I received a call from jr new therapist and we will meet her next week but it's not the specialized therapist I thought we'd get I guess that won't happen until after the mtg. I wish these people would be more clear when they explain things to us. Well off to start another work day hope it will go smooth and be uneventful.

friday is here

Today is Friday and I'm glad it's been one heck of a week. I'm looking forward to the long weekend as I can always use an extra day of rest and even more if I actually had some "me" time. I'm trying to get back on my exercise schedule and tracking what I eat and wow is it hard it seems like there's a million calories in everything and I lost track of keeping track with the fitness pal tracker. I went to the gym twice this week yesterday was zumba at lunch and it was good this instructor while he's not my favorite he's slowed down his pace a little b/c before he was way too fast and I guess they must've told him to slow down b/c there are older people who are in the class and certain medical problems that ppl can't overexert themselves. This week was the counseling session and I had gone to the gym before the session so I felt good and relaxed I held it together for the first half of the session I explained what has happened up to this point with him and I expressed my anger disappointment with him. We both got emotional and he also pissed me off with some of his comments. Yesterday was my own session and it was okay it helps to have someone listen and understand what you're going through. Sometimes the bus ride alone from the gym or therapy is relaxing enough for me provided the buses are running on schedule and I can actually sit down. He watched jr while I was at the session and when I return I find him in the livingroom with jr and jr is happy to see me. When I saw him it was the same get up the american eagle shirt etc. a walking fashion show and those annoying big glasses that I'd love to stomp to pieces. I made it a point to tell he was a walking fashion show and should be on the cover of a magazine. He had bags of food on the floor and when I looked in them he questions why you'd think it was for a rabbit, there was tomatoes, bags of grapes, a bottle of vinegar, and red onions. After this he's ready to go and he says goodbye and my name ____ and I say goodbye and close the door after some time I get a knock on the door and mr fashion show forgets his cell and takes it off the charger and I said goodbye again but this time I couldn't resist the temptation to shout another insult and I said get bent as he walked down the stairs. He made a whole batch of sofrito and tells me saved some for me? huh (twilight zone music) wtf? Is this the actions of someone who no longer feels the same way? Extremely conflicting messages indeed. My therapist says sarcasm is a form of anger but it's wonderfully therapeutic for me to say remarks to him it's better than being depressed. I look at mr match.com and I'm in awe yummy I think to myself and considering the fact that I might as well be a born again virgin makes me think about a lot of things I shouldn't lol. I even looked up the sign Aries and it says both Leo (that's me) and Aries are really good in this area I guess we can all dream and fantasize that's about as far it's going to get for now. I was told by my friend last night to whom I fwd his pic I need to be alone for a while and thing is I don't know how to be alone when you're part of a couple for 11+ yrs. and find yourself alone and possibly back on the scene in the long term it's an extremely scary thing let's face it I've been off the market since 2000 and lots of things have changed since then. If I eventually decide to complete my profile I think I just want a friendship for now and for those of you who think friends with benefits that's also something I won't do. While it seems convenient for some this type of arrangement doesn't work everyone and people always think they have control over this but once you throw sex into the mix it changes things unless you really are focused that's all you want from from the beginning. It's 5 to 1 and I'm ready for lunch I had a soup yesterday and I'm not trying to be bad and eat things I shouldn't but Little Italy Pizza seems to calling my name today one slice shouldn't be too bad. I need to see the sun and take a walk as there are no windows in here.

uncertainity isn't good

It's friday and I'm glad just wish my stomach wasn't acting up it's very stressful when this happens to me but this morning as I dropped off jr and I was on my daily ride to work I get a call from the sitter that her weekly fee was short and I think that's what did it b/c I could've sworn it was complete.  I got to work on time went to the store and quickly had to leave and hope I made it to the office on time I felt better afterward but it's been on and off.  Stress aggravates my stomach condition sadly.  Yesterday was my first visit to therapist and while it was hard and my voice cracked at some parts in the session I was able to express myself and get through it and I feel that I will gain a lot from therapy.  She is very understanding and easy to talk to I think I also choked b/c while the intake girl was nice she wasn't as easy to open up to.  We decided to keep our visits on Thursday so I will keep going to the gym but have to rearrange my schedule.   Now today I find out that they will be more lay offs and so far I've been lucky and been spared quite a few rounds even thought I got an risk letter but now I heard talk that someone who's in mgmt had been cleaning out their office but hadn't notified anyone which pissed me off b/c people's livelihoods are depending on your information how dare you keep people in the dark!  so this adds to my stress b/c we're having a staff mtg in a few minutes to discuss these layoffs but I'm going to try not to worry too much b/c we can't control it the city is in bad fiscal shape and there's a lot of cut backs and there will be more to come.  Some will be laid off or reassigned to other agencies.  I don't think i'd want to work anywhere else I've gotten used to working here and our immediate group is nice and we all work pretty good together but most ppl will do anything to keep a job these days so we will soon see what the outcome of this meeting is since it begins in a few minutes