Earthquake Felt in New York City

Earthquake Felt in New York City

The last thing I and millions of other New Yorkers ever expected is that we would experience the effects of an earth quake. It was a sunny busy lunch time in the city where there's tons of people all over the city walking up and down the streets. I went to sit down in the park and eating my frozen yogurt when I felt a rumbling underneath the park bench but I didn't think anything of it since the subway is close by. I then see a man running into the park saying the buildings were shaking. I walked back to work and see everyone in the office in the street heading toward the park and I saw tons of people evacuated from every office building in the area and I naturally thought b/c I work in the downtown area by ground zero that this was terrorist related and considering it that's close to 9/11 was also scared. I have to say that I sure wouldn't want to experience the real thing. According to the news our buildings meet certain guidelines to withstand a quake not like I'd want to be around to confirm this but another scary thing was no one cell phones were working it was ridiculous. I kept getting busy signals, dropped calls, only text was working. I think only Verizon customers had service and even some of them there was problems. It made me want to switch my provider yet again but Verizon is way too expensive but they have the best service in the area. So much for the now network and 4G. Having a cell phone is usually for emergencies as well as daily talking but when it doesn't work in an emergency kind of defeats the purpose. Eventually the department of buildings cleared us to go back in you'd think our mayor would've sent us home but that's asking for too much.

the long awaited diagnosis

Today was jr's evaluation at the Child Development Center in a queens hospital. Whenever you think that it's something it always turns out to be the opposite. I got the news I've wanted to hear for the longest time and it turned out to be the news no parent wants to hear. Jr was diagnosed with PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder) and it falls under the umbrella of autism. I'm devastated. I just want to scream and cry but I was at my desk at my work so I just silently cried at my desk. We always knew there was something that they weren't catching but I just thought it was hyperactivity or ADHD never in a million years I'd expect this response and I'm still trying to digest it. I feel sad, angry, and question why my child, why us? why now? The doctor hasn't graded the evaluation yet but this is her diagnosis based on her observations and while I'm still trying to process all of this b/c I listened to him on the phone and when he said that I felt like I had been punched in the stomach so the sadness shifted into anger. Anger b/c these incompetents at the Board of Education first b/c they denied my son the services that he really needs with no real reason but I also think that besides them being incompetent and wanting to provide the bare minimum of services to kids and families I don't even think my child was properly evaluated and had he been properly evaluated perhaps he would be in a center based school setting well now that we have a name and a diagnosis it's a small relief so at least we know what the next step is he will need the school setting, transportation and additional therapy services than what he's getting now and I now have to look for a CPSE advocate b/c now is when the fight with the Board of Ed and the system is going to begin and I've got my boxing gloves ready for them. No one is going deny my child services just b/c no one wants to do their job anymore but wants to get paid or due to red tape and bureauracy. I tried contacting the service coordinator but just got a voice mail seems like no one picks up their cell phones anymore and I really hate speaking into voicemail I always mess up and have to delete and re record the msg. I can only imagine how many other families the Board of Ed and EI have gotten away with doing this to and it's ridiculous. It makes me realize that you have be to professional yet aggressive and persistent and we the only real advocates for your children are had we not pushed this issue my son probably wouldn't have gotten any additional evaluations. People who go into the professions that help children should do exactly that not nickel and dime people out of things they need like this idiot psychologist did to us now I can see why people rather not even deal with the city and state and go through their private insurance or sacrifice and pay out of pocket you get better services and treated better. I have the woman of Queens EI to thank for this evaluation and hope that things will progress from here. It's an immense amount of stress to be under especially when everything else seems to be going wrong like him moving out. You would think this a time when we should be closer than ever but we are not. I felt the effects of my stress today when my stomach started acting up that's like my body is telling it's just too many things at once. As this week comes to a close I feel disappointed with all that is happening it seems like when it rains it pours and I don't know if I can take on anything else at this point. We are also going to have change our parenting strategies since I've read a little on the topic and now kind of notice little behaviors that were a sign but I was blind to b/c we're not professionals but certain tactics don't work with kids on the spectrum but they always have to have consistency. They say life is a journey but this is one journey I'd rather not take but have to for the well being of my son.

tired thursday

It's thursday and I feel so tired and I didn't even complete a whole week of work. I couldn't sleep last night and insomnia is the worst especially when you need to get up early the next morning. I guess I fell asleep eventually but it wasn't a good rest and all that I have in my mind and on my plate doesn't help things. I get up this morning dragging to get ready and jr woke up on his own and I got him ready emptied trash and was out the door to catch my bus only to miss it b/c I got delayed with the trash. Since I've gotten back Monday I've been in a fog my suitcases are still unpacked so I've been living out of them and I spoke with a friend yesterday which helped me a little but there are times of the day where I feel really down and depressed. Tomorrow is jr visit at the child development center and I still haven't received the referral for the visit and I called the office some time last week or before requesting this information and the dr acted liked he didn't know what I was talking about meanwhile I had spoken to him a few weeks back this is very annoying when you have to deal with the incompetence of other people and I'm not rescheduling this appointment b/c LIJ doesn't have openings until October and the sooner the evaluation process starts the sooner we can know what steps to take depending on the doctor's findings. I'm hoping to hear from them by the end of the day. Closed the joint acct yesterday and I didn't expect that I'd be without a debit card until it came in the mail it feels weird b/c I'm not used to paying in cash I've gotten so used to swiping a card that it feels weird to me. Things are slow here and that doesn't help at all b/c the day drags on and I feel sleepy unless I'm talking to someone or I put on my mp3 and listen to music while I work. I dropped of jr today and I got no apology from them for canceling at the last minute which is totally inexcusable. If I had it my way I would've found another provider a long time ago. I'm crossing my fingers that he's able to go to a program or headstart b/c I'm kind of tired of dealing with group home daycares while they're a less expensive option and are licensed by the city they're like a franchise some are run very well and the people are professional and others like to make up the rules as they go along and very disorganized. Sadly many parents choose them b/c of the cost since many of these schools make their tuition so ridiculously expensive that it's out of reach for most parents especially single parents. Today it looks like it's going to rain it feels more humid than usual so that's a sign of rain made sure I had my umbrella with me and I'm crossing my fingers that it's not thundering and lightning like one time I had to see my therapist I get out of the train and it looked like a river on Queens Blvd and I saw the bolts of lightning and loud thunder I stood under a scaffolding until it stopped and was safe to walk. This session I will discuss what has happened up to this point and I'm hoping that maybe even someone in the office can help with the housing information. This weekend I have my work cut out for me :( which consists of unpacking my suitcases and giving the place a good cleaning. I'm trying to keep the laundry under control so that I'm able to either do it myself or drop it off and keep the cost down we'll see how that works. I hope to be back in the daily swing of things next week. I'm trying to get back on track with the diet and exercise but the diet needs work. I've been bad and last night I ate sweets late which is a definite no no but I can be an emotional eater as I said last night which is something I have to stop. When I looked at the calories on the package of cookies it was only 2 in a pkg I couldn't believe it but they were good going down. I also want to clear out more things in the apartment but this is going to take time. I've decided to let him keep the lap top I have the old pc at home but eventually I want to get a lap top or netbook, I even pondered getting a mac air book or ipad2. I love Mac but they're expensive as heck and I have not a clue of how to work on them. My aunt in Florida has a Mac and it's gorgeous I went to her house to try to use the internet and I stood there frozen trying to figure out how to get on the internet thinking where the heck is the blue E for internet explorer or any other browser well I didn't figure it out until after the fact that the Mac browser is Safari. Well at least I learned that much so I'm still pondering that choice until I at least have some more money or get some additional training. I do like portability of a lap top or ipad. I also wish Verizon wirless wasn't out of reach to me b/c they're one of the best services out there but with my credit and their high priced plans especially data it isn't cost effective this earth quake scare made me ponder switching yet again b/c my phone was a joke that day. Busy signals dropped calls only texting for a while so much for the now network and 4G. Now they're talking about hurricane Irene give us some time to absorb the quake first and possible evacuations since I don't live in any towns near water I don't feel scared but I've seen how bad weather can affect things I just want to make sure I have enough food supplies in the house just in case. Just got a call from the therapist about the cancelation and I felt bad about it and told her about our situation I told her it was better to talk to him directly I really don't feel like dealing with him and since HE is the one who ended things let him face the music and explain to her the reason behind his actions and if he wants to continue. I know I will continue on to heal and improve my own mental health and self-esteem. It's after 10 and I got to start getting to work.

insomnia

It's late at and I should be asleep but I can't seem to fall asleep today was a typical morning of dragging myself out of bed and trying to get Jr ready and out the door. I made pretty good timing into the city but today was a slow boring day which just makes the day drag. Today was the counseling visit but we never made it there. I get home early wash up eat and I get a text saying these two geniuses at the daycare canceled. I was furious at all of them this douche actually expected me to go and get our child after my commute claiming he was 20 min away well bus took forever to show he said I should've walked yeah ok there I show up there and she doesn't look sick at all if there is one thing I hate is liars but bad liars are the worst after barely being acknowledged I got Jr and left and walked home the cool breeze made the walk tolerable unfortunately we exchanged insults over texts not my most shining moment but I have a feeling this was done on purpose if not bad timing I tried my best to call and leave a msg but I never got a call back so I'm sure she was upset since visit was confirmed. As if my evening wasn't stressful enough Jr ate something he shouldn't have and vomited I had to clean it up which is torture in itself. Bath story and to bed. I finally got to watch tv and unwind but I just can't sleep I have too much on my mind I guess. Being alone isn't easy especially at night when I go to bed I hear it all Jr sleeps like a log but I have to start getting used to being alone now. I called 311 about housing got no where so I got to keep looking. It probably doesn't help that I ate sweets which are my weakness but I tend to do emotional eating sometimes. Tomorrow is visit to the therapist and I'm going to take advantage of it to blow off some steam I just got back from vacation and I already feel like I shouldn't have come back here which is sad. It's almost 12 and I hope I get up on time going to try and get some much needed rest

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back home

Monday it was very hard to leave Florida my mom and everything behind. I was very sad and Jr started crying when we said gbye and started walking to the TSA line and I waited what seemed like an eternity to board the plane and we finally did the flight wasn't bad but trying to keep Jr occupied is no easy task but thank goodness spongebob was on so it helped a lot but like most toddlers whose attention span is very short after it finished I tried my best and after we landed we saw his father and all I got from the him was how was your flight? I took a look at him and thought who the heck is this guy? He had these sun glasses on and and a armani x tshirt and I thought wow this is definitely not the man I married. I tried hard to maintain my composure and I was good for a while. After getting lunch and passing an akward situation Jr was dropped at sitter so we can have "the talk" about child support finances the apartment and as much as I tried not to tear up I did I never thought I'd even have to have a conversation like that. He wants me to type up an agreement but I've talked to someone who said its a trap so I haven't done it yet until I research further. He also mentioned that when Jr became a teen he wanted custody of him b/c he needed a male role model that pissed me off b/c he doesn't need custody to be a role model. I will never give him up so he can keep waiting for that. I now feel a lot of pressure from him to find about housing and rental assistance which I think is unfair I didn't expect this to happen and the application process is long annoying and the places where they put you aren't in the best areas of town. I'm feeling so many different things sadness anger resentful of what I face now. Being a parent is hard but being a single parent is even harder and I really didn't want to have to go to they system and ask for help b/c I have in the past and it can be a very demeaning and stressful experience as you're just another case # to these people they act as if they're giving you money out of their own pocket. I don't look forward to this but I know that I don't earn enough to able to afford my current place on my own. These past two days its been weird to feel alone in my apt but I'm going to have to get used to it especially at night when it's time to go to bed. We're supposed to see the counselor today I'd like to see his explanation he has for her something tells me this session will not be easy today but I just have to face the music just totally sucks when you go through all of the trouble to get help I'm a go getter I saw this through even when it didn't seem like there was ever going to be someone who could work with our schedule only to be given this news by him it's like a slap in the face to my efforts. I am not sure what the outcome will be today and if it this ends here I will not be surprised but I will continue my own road to healing with my own therapist. It's going to be a long process but I'm sure I will get there eventually.

going home today

Yesterday I spent my last day here resting blowing off steam and doing a whole bunch of packing and organizing and I hate packing which is why usually other ppl organize my bags like my mother and him but now I will have to become a packer myself. Some things didn't fit and not to pay for another bag the rest will be sent in a box. This is the part I hate about traveling the packing the new restrictions and the saying goodbye. My son was up early and full of energy of course and I'm hoping he will behave on the flight back and my luggage will arrive intact and while I'm not looking fwd to seeing him at all I'm going to try my hardest to be strong and together especially for the child's sake. I know it will take me a few days to get back into the swing of NY life but I do eventually and can only hope that there's not a ton of work piled up waiting to greet me tomorrow but I will just do as much as I can until I get back on track. In a little while I will be on my way to the airport which is way less hectic than jfk so I don't feel too stressed. Change is never easy and we become creatures of habit but life throws a lot of unexpected curve balls our way and trying to manage isn't easy. Im hoping for a smooth safe flight and hoping the rain has cleared in the north east b/c I sure don't feel like dealing with delays especially with a toddler.

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the time has come to return

As my vacation comes to a close I realize that they are never long enough I was able to get a well deserved break from the daily city rat race of commuting and work and enjoy the slower pace sun and scenery of Florida. I got to see my grandfather his wife and my aunt which was an unexpected surprise but as they left I felt very sad b/c its not often that we get to spend time like that together due to distance and everyone's things going on in life. Although there was some minor drama which is a normal occurence for most families we enjoyed each others company and my grandfathers excellent pernil and rice with gandules. I also got to talk to my brother and realize that he really needs to get some help and I'm hoping maybe the therapist can point us in the right direction. They asked about him and I of course said all and he are fine even though everything is everything far from okay why burden them and bring myself down while they're here. Sad part is I never imagined that when I went away that my marriage would end and I'd be faced to absorb the shock and pain but I realize had I been home in nyc I would feel a lot worse having been around family helped a little but I have a lot to deal with when I return to NY and a part of me doesn't even feel like going back but I have to go its my home and I have to face the music and impact of this. Yesterday he asked what my decision was and I sent him an email telling him he has to move out it was the hardest thing I ever had to do but to continue to live under the same roof isn't beneficial to anyone involved I got very emotional as I typed this and made so many revisions but finally hit the send button and thought about what I said and how it would be received but I got a one sentence response saying he respects my decision I would've expected more elaborating on what I expressed and I tear up as I write this but not everyone is the same and perhaps the less said the better at this point. This is only the beginning of what's to come my way and I know I'm going to have to be very strong even when I feel like I cant. It seems like everyone's relationship is breaking up I found out someone else is separating too and it hurts b/c I didn't want this but sometimes ppl lose their way they grow apart or they simply can't have a meeting of the minds. We made a trip to Walmart so we can all get stuff but for me to get some last minute things for Monday and I found myself looking at a thing I knew he'd asked for and then I caught myself and remembered its over and kept going through the aisles. It is going to be hard to leave overall and I will not forward to leaving my mother once again but while it will be sad I know she will be in ny in October. It's going to be an adjustment of getting back into the nyc life commute and work and I also have to get back into my gym routine and diet which I didn't really keep up well during my stay but will have to resume and getting used to fact that I'm no longer part of a couple. I looked at a dating web pg and read a few profiles saw a few nice faces some not so nice and realized everyone is looking for love and someone to respect love and share life I also noticed a common trait most of these guys my age had at least one kid maybe more and were divorced. Very sad statistics but it will be a long while before my heart is healed and whole again to let someone in if ever happens with being alone also comes a new sense of vulnerability and mistrust of the opposite sex. Right now I will try to weather through the storm of all of the different emotions I'm feeling and keep my son and getting his services my top priority and now that my mother will be back it will at least ease the pain even if its just a little bit. It's been a long day and I'm going to start settling down and try get my mind off of things.

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