the time has come to return

As my vacation comes to a close I realize that they are never long enough I was able to get a well deserved break from the daily city rat race of commuting and work and enjoy the slower pace sun and scenery of Florida. I got to see my grandfather his wife and my aunt which was an unexpected surprise but as they left I felt very sad b/c its not often that we get to spend time like that together due to distance and everyone's things going on in life. Although there was some minor drama which is a normal occurence for most families we enjoyed each others company and my grandfathers excellent pernil and rice with gandules. I also got to talk to my brother and realize that he really needs to get some help and I'm hoping maybe the therapist can point us in the right direction. They asked about him and I of course said all and he are fine even though everything is everything far from okay why burden them and bring myself down while they're here. Sad part is I never imagined that when I went away that my marriage would end and I'd be faced to absorb the shock and pain but I realize had I been home in nyc I would feel a lot worse having been around family helped a little but I have a lot to deal with when I return to NY and a part of me doesn't even feel like going back but I have to go its my home and I have to face the music and impact of this. Yesterday he asked what my decision was and I sent him an email telling him he has to move out it was the hardest thing I ever had to do but to continue to live under the same roof isn't beneficial to anyone involved I got very emotional as I typed this and made so many revisions but finally hit the send button and thought about what I said and how it would be received but I got a one sentence response saying he respects my decision I would've expected more elaborating on what I expressed and I tear up as I write this but not everyone is the same and perhaps the less said the better at this point. This is only the beginning of what's to come my way and I know I'm going to have to be very strong even when I feel like I cant. It seems like everyone's relationship is breaking up I found out someone else is separating too and it hurts b/c I didn't want this but sometimes ppl lose their way they grow apart or they simply can't have a meeting of the minds. We made a trip to Walmart so we can all get stuff but for me to get some last minute things for Monday and I found myself looking at a thing I knew he'd asked for and then I caught myself and remembered its over and kept going through the aisles. It is going to be hard to leave overall and I will not forward to leaving my mother once again but while it will be sad I know she will be in ny in October. It's going to be an adjustment of getting back into the nyc life commute and work and I also have to get back into my gym routine and diet which I didn't really keep up well during my stay but will have to resume and getting used to fact that I'm no longer part of a couple. I looked at a dating web pg and read a few profiles saw a few nice faces some not so nice and realized everyone is looking for love and someone to respect love and share life I also noticed a common trait most of these guys my age had at least one kid maybe more and were divorced. Very sad statistics but it will be a long while before my heart is healed and whole again to let someone in if ever happens with being alone also comes a new sense of vulnerability and mistrust of the opposite sex. Right now I will try to weather through the storm of all of the different emotions I'm feeling and keep my son and getting his services my top priority and now that my mother will be back it will at least ease the pain even if its just a little bit. It's been a long day and I'm going to start settling down and try get my mind off of things.

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