back home

Monday it was very hard to leave Florida my mom and everything behind. I was very sad and Jr started crying when we said gbye and started walking to the TSA line and I waited what seemed like an eternity to board the plane and we finally did the flight wasn't bad but trying to keep Jr occupied is no easy task but thank goodness spongebob was on so it helped a lot but like most toddlers whose attention span is very short after it finished I tried my best and after we landed we saw his father and all I got from the him was how was your flight? I took a look at him and thought who the heck is this guy? He had these sun glasses on and and a armani x tshirt and I thought wow this is definitely not the man I married. I tried hard to maintain my composure and I was good for a while. After getting lunch and passing an akward situation Jr was dropped at sitter so we can have "the talk" about child support finances the apartment and as much as I tried not to tear up I did I never thought I'd even have to have a conversation like that. He wants me to type up an agreement but I've talked to someone who said its a trap so I haven't done it yet until I research further. He also mentioned that when Jr became a teen he wanted custody of him b/c he needed a male role model that pissed me off b/c he doesn't need custody to be a role model. I will never give him up so he can keep waiting for that. I now feel a lot of pressure from him to find about housing and rental assistance which I think is unfair I didn't expect this to happen and the application process is long annoying and the places where they put you aren't in the best areas of town. I'm feeling so many different things sadness anger resentful of what I face now. Being a parent is hard but being a single parent is even harder and I really didn't want to have to go to they system and ask for help b/c I have in the past and it can be a very demeaning and stressful experience as you're just another case # to these people they act as if they're giving you money out of their own pocket. I don't look forward to this but I know that I don't earn enough to able to afford my current place on my own. These past two days its been weird to feel alone in my apt but I'm going to have to get used to it especially at night when it's time to go to bed. We're supposed to see the counselor today I'd like to see his explanation he has for her something tells me this session will not be easy today but I just have to face the music just totally sucks when you go through all of the trouble to get help I'm a go getter I saw this through even when it didn't seem like there was ever going to be someone who could work with our schedule only to be given this news by him it's like a slap in the face to my efforts. I am not sure what the outcome will be today and if it this ends here I will not be surprised but I will continue my own road to healing with my own therapist. It's going to be a long process but I'm sure I will get there eventually.