short week sypnosis

I really wish this rainy weather would stop it doesn't do much for the mood and I need to see the sun already. I think jr has gotten a cold from the change of weather. While it's been a short week it sure hasn't felt like a short work week. I've been up on and off through the night and I know I'm going to feel it tonight but I guess it's because I have a lot on my mind and sometimes this doesn't allow you to get the rest you need note to self take the rx to help you sleep. Yesterday was a long day again consisting of going to the gym and counseling afterward and yesterday I didn't feel as energetic in the gym as I did on Tuesday considering the fact the yesterday was my first day taking this GNC vitamin pack. I did the Just Dance class at the gym and maybe it was b/c we had a different instructor while he's good and energetic he does work you harder and does more jumping and while I've lost some weight I still have to be careful with the jumping and doing certain moves as I don't want to injure my knee or ankles. Once I've lost more weight these things shouldn't bother me as much. After the class I did 30 minutes on the treadmill but only burned 155.5 calories but I also set the machine slower b/c of pain in my knees and ankles I guess everyone is entitled to an off day. Yesterday's counseling session was okay at first I couldn't really find much to talk about in the beginning but we spoke about things that opened up old wounds like the bs with his family, etc. which made me angry and emotional but I noticed this time while I got emotional it wasn't as intense as before I was able to express myself without totally breaking down. He spoke of the divorce proceedings again and spoke of what was discussed with the lawyer and I'm usually pretty good at making decisions but this isn't that cut and dry and a lot of emotions are involved. While I don't undermine the pain of death and losing a loved one at all b/c I do know what that feels like but after a while there's the separation and things get easier with a divorce I think it's worse b/c the person is not dead and when there's a child in the mix and you still have to have contact with one another the healing process is that much more difficult. What he's offering financially for jr is fine with me but I was also told that I'd be entitled to spousal support for 3 yrs which would pretty much leave him broke while a woman scorned would probably wouldn't give a s* it made me think and a small part of me had a twinge of guilt while the extra income would be nice the only thing that's my priority is jr. Pension also came into play and while it wouldn't be much something is better than nothing and I'm not relinquishing that b/c while retirement is a long years away for us who knows what can happen and every little bit helps. He's trying to make this as painless and amicable as possible but it's very difficult and once I read those papers I'm sure I'm not going to like everything in it which is why I'm getting looked over by another attorney before I sign anything. I told him last night no amount of money can take away the pain and the hurt I feel and the ending of a marriage knowing that it didn't work and the reasons it couldn't work I feel like we failed at it and failure is such a bad feeling. I find myself thinking about things I could've done differently what could've been but at the end of the day I realize some things are just not meant to be. It has to be a mutual effort by both parties involved. Last night's counseling session made me realize that impasse we get to regarding his family and other issues are things we will never be on the same page on no matter how many times it's discussed and brought up and at this point it really doesn't matter anymore. He asked if he can watch TV here yesterday b/c there is no TV at his friend's place well how convenient I sarcastically said no tv you two must live a pretty boring existence and I also rubbed it in a little more and said oh he can't have a TV he's too busy singing the kanye west song himself which he says is a low blow but it's the truth. I told him both of them would be singing the same tune very soon. He then asks me to refer to which song and I'm thinking if you have to ask then how is it a low blow? He had 3 wives me, the cable box/dvr, xbox and we start to miss the comforts of home once we no longer have them. I told him not to get to used to the idea as I may be getting rid of cable myself Time Warner is ridiculously expensive and considering my financial situation I'm not sure if I could swing it anymore so if I don't get rid of completely I may downgrade the pkg. I sure wish Verizon Fios would hurry up and come to this area as I've heard it's the same service and cheaper. I also received a call from jr service coordinator mentioning that there's no ADA therapists who work evening hours and I'm thinking WTH more stress? What planet are these people living on? I have to work for a living! I sure wish I could just work part-time or work earlier hours than my 8-4 but that's not my reality or the reality of many other working parents these days who both have to work or have to work more than one job b/c of the ridiculous cost of living these days. She says she will try but she doesn't think she will be successful and considering that I'm going to be single parent in the very near future she's going to have try a little bit harder to find someone at least until my mother moves back to NYC. This is what I hate the most that these city agencies, therapists, always make things harder for parents instead of easier and these endless mtgs with rhetoric and jargon that leave even the person with half a brain in their wondering wth did she just say? Plain english anyone? A pill for relaxation or a drink or two is just what dr ordered about now. Tomorrow is Friday and I just want to chill out no appointments,no gym, nothing. I'm hoping one of my friends will be down to meet up so we can grab a bite to eat or do whatever and considering that I canceled twice on one hopefully my only time to have some real freedom won't be another attempt in vain. Well it's after 5:40 and I've spent all this time blogging when I should've been getting to the pile of dishes that's been there for 2 days and taking out the trash due to the side effects of exhaustion and just plain laziness at times. Hoping for an uneventful commute and an easy day at work and a E train that's not packed like a cattle car at the end of the day hope I will get at least one of these.