a new beginning

Yesterday was my first day back and the commute was uneventful I stood home Monday b/c I really didn't feel like dealing with the subways as they were just restored earlier that morning and there was a lot of delays. Since I found out about jr's diagnosis I spoke to the service coordinator and jr will be getting a new therapist and therapy will be more intensive and they will be coming in 5 days a week and I don't really look forward to that b/c it doesn't give me much free time during the week but the therapy is important and neccessary. Today will be jr's last session with one of his therapists and I will miss working with her, she was always friendly professional and he made a great deal of progress with her. I texted her last night to confirm the time she was passing by and I thanked her for services and she says he's made a great deal of progress. It's kind of sad but this is a new beginning and I'm hoping that he will have a good connection with the new therapist since they will be there everyday. It's always scary when a new therapist comes in b/c you never know how jr will react even though he's usually very sociable with most people. Yesterday I was very late to work and made every effort to get up on time today so I can wash last night's dishes and pots empty the trash and clean out the cat's box these are things I should do at night but I'm too tired and lazy from working and the commute. I saw a moth flying around in the house which was gross and the cat went crazy trying to catch it she even jumped in the bath tub and she got it and ate it! I was so grossed out I spanked her on the butt. She ran of course and after I was done showering she still expected to be fed of course. Jr gets up and gives me the usual run for the money to get dressed but out the front door. I miss the bus of course and wait for the next I get to the sitter drop him and it's off to dunkin donuts to pick up breakfast before the next bus and I go in and I see this guy our eyes meet and he keeps staring at me I'm like wth is he looking at inside my mind of course he seems nice but everyone has a type of guy they look for after that I run to catch my bus b/c I don't want to miss yet another one. I managed to be a few minutes late but better than yesterday b/c staying a half hr late is boring. This week he told me that he wants to start the process for the divorce and once again I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I feel sadness and cried but sadness turned to anger and the other bunch of emotions I feel b/c it's only been a week since I returned from vacation and as it's not bad enough that you did the cowardice thing of ending our relationship over the phone, I'm also trying to absorb my son's diagnosis and now the divorce proceedings I'm wondering what the heck the rush is, is there someone else? is always the thought that comes to mind. We exchanged text msgs last night he says that he's not trying to screw me over and wants to see me happy which I don't get b/c if you did wouldn't we still be working on our relationship? This evening will be the counseling session and I'm sure this is not going to be easy. I'm going to try my best to hold it together and not get emotional but that's not always easy. I plan to write everything down once again to stay focused. The good thing is I will be going to the gym before the session which is a good thing b/c I will get to work out and after I work out I'm usually tired but relaxed and usually in a better mood than when I don't. Today I went on the match web site and saw another person who caught my eye I read their profiles which both were interesting and we're both astrologically compatible but I realize I'm no where near ready to give my heart to someone else and this is for entertainment purposes only, I don't let people in that easy and most of my relationships have been long term b/c I'm not someone who jumps from guy to guy or bed to bed as some people do. Someone told me to think about what I want and post in a profile but since I'm not quite ready yet it just might inspire me to do a blog posting about it. Everyone is seeking respect love and acceptance and to find someone who will love you for you isn't easy. There are always people who want to play games and have baggage and it's a gamble we all take when we're on the quest for a companion. Sad how within a few weeks you're life changes just like that I would've never thought I would even be writing about this let alone experiencing it. Being alone isn't easy but I've gotten a little better with sleeping at night usually b/c most of the time I'm so tired the bed is calling my name to think about anything else. I can't wait for Friday to come and this is a good weekend b/c it's a long weekend due to Labor Day weekend. I could use the extra day of rest. I can't believe 9 months of the year has just flown by tomorrow is September 1st. Time as you can see waits for no one.

Irene Aftermath

Well it's over Irene passed NYC and is now some place else. Friday I went to the local Stop & Shop in my area and couldn't believe how stupid the people were acting you would think that they were preparing for the apocalypse. I understand people are afraid and want to be prepared but some people overreact 3 carts of water is a little overkill and stores are also to blame b/c they don't stock enough items like batteries, water, etc. I hate grocery shopping on any given day so I hate it even more when I have to encounter empty shelves when I looked for canned goods and no water and people acting like idiots. Saturday I got some last minute things at the store and went to get some batteries and candles after going to 3 cvs stores I finally find batteries in the 99 cts store which he sarcatiscally says would only last an hour well thank goodness I didn't have to use the radio b/c I was fortunate to not lose power so I just kept watching coverage on TV. However the other residents in low lying areas or by the water weren't so lucky got flooding and power outages plus some uprooted trees and damage to roads. A friend of mine is still without power and I'm hoping that Con Ed will work dilligently to get power restored to all that lost it. This is was the first time except for transit strikes that our transit system was ever shut down but it had to be done for everyone's safety. Transit service resumed today @ 6 am with limited service and a whole bunch of delays and I honestly didn't feel like dealing with all of that chaos so I decided to stay home and hope that by the end of the day they have worked out most of the kinks and I will able to go to work tomorrow. It was scary b/c there was a lot of heavy rain and wind which is why I slept in the livingroom that night and it was very hard to get any sleep but I think that city gov't prepared everyone well and took the neccessary precautions and while it could've been a lot worse we should thank the lord it wasn't but we still have clean up and other issues to fix to get the city back on track and for those morons who claim that the city overreacted well the city took the neccessary precautions to make sure everyone was safe and had they not you all would complain that they hadn't which proves the statement you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Yesterday afternoon I went outside to the corner store and the winds were still very strong just those few steps and I felt like I was going to be blown away. I'm relieved that it's over and everyone can get back to their normal routines. Imagine how the people in the south and midwest feel that they get hurricanes, tornadoes, etc. all the time and the effects are a lot worse than category 1 or tropical storm status. Let's hope things will be uneventful for a while until the real fun begins over here winter and the snow storms and trying to navigate in snow and clean up from it.

MTA To End Subway, Bus Service At Noon Saturday

MTA To End Subway, Bus Service At Noon Saturday

I'm not looking forward to dealing with hurricane Irene or it's effects but as a city employee many of my co-workers have been bombared with phone calls from OEM asking them to report to shelters to work and I'd really like to know how'd they expect us to get there when there is a system wide shut. MTA as much as I loathe them is what moves the city of NY and without no one is going anywhere no one is going to risk their lives getting in a car with rain and winds at high speeds like that I know I wouldn't. A system wide shut down is going to cripple our city and when Monday comes I'm hoping it's up and running so I can get to work provided the after effects aren't too bad but I as well as millions of others can't go no where without the MTA. I will go to the store today and stock up on water canned goods and batteries and I'm sure I will be faced with plenty of chaos as well b/c the media also loves to put the fear into people. I hoping everyone in the North East area has what they need, takes their evacuation order seriously if you live in that zone, and stays safe.

Earthquake Felt in New York City

Earthquake Felt in New York City

The last thing I and millions of other New Yorkers ever expected is that we would experience the effects of an earth quake. It was a sunny busy lunch time in the city where there's tons of people all over the city walking up and down the streets. I went to sit down in the park and eating my frozen yogurt when I felt a rumbling underneath the park bench but I didn't think anything of it since the subway is close by. I then see a man running into the park saying the buildings were shaking. I walked back to work and see everyone in the office in the street heading toward the park and I saw tons of people evacuated from every office building in the area and I naturally thought b/c I work in the downtown area by ground zero that this was terrorist related and considering it that's close to 9/11 was also scared. I have to say that I sure wouldn't want to experience the real thing. According to the news our buildings meet certain guidelines to withstand a quake not like I'd want to be around to confirm this but another scary thing was no one cell phones were working it was ridiculous. I kept getting busy signals, dropped calls, only text was working. I think only Verizon customers had service and even some of them there was problems. It made me want to switch my provider yet again but Verizon is way too expensive but they have the best service in the area. So much for the now network and 4G. Having a cell phone is usually for emergencies as well as daily talking but when it doesn't work in an emergency kind of defeats the purpose. Eventually the department of buildings cleared us to go back in you'd think our mayor would've sent us home but that's asking for too much.

the long awaited diagnosis

Today was jr's evaluation at the Child Development Center in a queens hospital. Whenever you think that it's something it always turns out to be the opposite. I got the news I've wanted to hear for the longest time and it turned out to be the news no parent wants to hear. Jr was diagnosed with PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder) and it falls under the umbrella of autism. I'm devastated. I just want to scream and cry but I was at my desk at my work so I just silently cried at my desk. We always knew there was something that they weren't catching but I just thought it was hyperactivity or ADHD never in a million years I'd expect this response and I'm still trying to digest it. I feel sad, angry, and question why my child, why us? why now? The doctor hasn't graded the evaluation yet but this is her diagnosis based on her observations and while I'm still trying to process all of this b/c I listened to him on the phone and when he said that I felt like I had been punched in the stomach so the sadness shifted into anger. Anger b/c these incompetents at the Board of Education first b/c they denied my son the services that he really needs with no real reason but I also think that besides them being incompetent and wanting to provide the bare minimum of services to kids and families I don't even think my child was properly evaluated and had he been properly evaluated perhaps he would be in a center based school setting well now that we have a name and a diagnosis it's a small relief so at least we know what the next step is he will need the school setting, transportation and additional therapy services than what he's getting now and I now have to look for a CPSE advocate b/c now is when the fight with the Board of Ed and the system is going to begin and I've got my boxing gloves ready for them. No one is going deny my child services just b/c no one wants to do their job anymore but wants to get paid or due to red tape and bureauracy. I tried contacting the service coordinator but just got a voice mail seems like no one picks up their cell phones anymore and I really hate speaking into voicemail I always mess up and have to delete and re record the msg. I can only imagine how many other families the Board of Ed and EI have gotten away with doing this to and it's ridiculous. It makes me realize that you have be to professional yet aggressive and persistent and we the only real advocates for your children are had we not pushed this issue my son probably wouldn't have gotten any additional evaluations. People who go into the professions that help children should do exactly that not nickel and dime people out of things they need like this idiot psychologist did to us now I can see why people rather not even deal with the city and state and go through their private insurance or sacrifice and pay out of pocket you get better services and treated better. I have the woman of Queens EI to thank for this evaluation and hope that things will progress from here. It's an immense amount of stress to be under especially when everything else seems to be going wrong like him moving out. You would think this a time when we should be closer than ever but we are not. I felt the effects of my stress today when my stomach started acting up that's like my body is telling it's just too many things at once. As this week comes to a close I feel disappointed with all that is happening it seems like when it rains it pours and I don't know if I can take on anything else at this point. We are also going to have change our parenting strategies since I've read a little on the topic and now kind of notice little behaviors that were a sign but I was blind to b/c we're not professionals but certain tactics don't work with kids on the spectrum but they always have to have consistency. They say life is a journey but this is one journey I'd rather not take but have to for the well being of my son.

tired thursday

It's thursday and I feel so tired and I didn't even complete a whole week of work. I couldn't sleep last night and insomnia is the worst especially when you need to get up early the next morning. I guess I fell asleep eventually but it wasn't a good rest and all that I have in my mind and on my plate doesn't help things. I get up this morning dragging to get ready and jr woke up on his own and I got him ready emptied trash and was out the door to catch my bus only to miss it b/c I got delayed with the trash. Since I've gotten back Monday I've been in a fog my suitcases are still unpacked so I've been living out of them and I spoke with a friend yesterday which helped me a little but there are times of the day where I feel really down and depressed. Tomorrow is jr visit at the child development center and I still haven't received the referral for the visit and I called the office some time last week or before requesting this information and the dr acted liked he didn't know what I was talking about meanwhile I had spoken to him a few weeks back this is very annoying when you have to deal with the incompetence of other people and I'm not rescheduling this appointment b/c LIJ doesn't have openings until October and the sooner the evaluation process starts the sooner we can know what steps to take depending on the doctor's findings. I'm hoping to hear from them by the end of the day. Closed the joint acct yesterday and I didn't expect that I'd be without a debit card until it came in the mail it feels weird b/c I'm not used to paying in cash I've gotten so used to swiping a card that it feels weird to me. Things are slow here and that doesn't help at all b/c the day drags on and I feel sleepy unless I'm talking to someone or I put on my mp3 and listen to music while I work. I dropped of jr today and I got no apology from them for canceling at the last minute which is totally inexcusable. If I had it my way I would've found another provider a long time ago. I'm crossing my fingers that he's able to go to a program or headstart b/c I'm kind of tired of dealing with group home daycares while they're a less expensive option and are licensed by the city they're like a franchise some are run very well and the people are professional and others like to make up the rules as they go along and very disorganized. Sadly many parents choose them b/c of the cost since many of these schools make their tuition so ridiculously expensive that it's out of reach for most parents especially single parents. Today it looks like it's going to rain it feels more humid than usual so that's a sign of rain made sure I had my umbrella with me and I'm crossing my fingers that it's not thundering and lightning like one time I had to see my therapist I get out of the train and it looked like a river on Queens Blvd and I saw the bolts of lightning and loud thunder I stood under a scaffolding until it stopped and was safe to walk. This session I will discuss what has happened up to this point and I'm hoping that maybe even someone in the office can help with the housing information. This weekend I have my work cut out for me :( which consists of unpacking my suitcases and giving the place a good cleaning. I'm trying to keep the laundry under control so that I'm able to either do it myself or drop it off and keep the cost down we'll see how that works. I hope to be back in the daily swing of things next week. I'm trying to get back on track with the diet and exercise but the diet needs work. I've been bad and last night I ate sweets late which is a definite no no but I can be an emotional eater as I said last night which is something I have to stop. When I looked at the calories on the package of cookies it was only 2 in a pkg I couldn't believe it but they were good going down. I also want to clear out more things in the apartment but this is going to take time. I've decided to let him keep the lap top I have the old pc at home but eventually I want to get a lap top or netbook, I even pondered getting a mac air book or ipad2. I love Mac but they're expensive as heck and I have not a clue of how to work on them. My aunt in Florida has a Mac and it's gorgeous I went to her house to try to use the internet and I stood there frozen trying to figure out how to get on the internet thinking where the heck is the blue E for internet explorer or any other browser well I didn't figure it out until after the fact that the Mac browser is Safari. Well at least I learned that much so I'm still pondering that choice until I at least have some more money or get some additional training. I do like portability of a lap top or ipad. I also wish Verizon wirless wasn't out of reach to me b/c they're one of the best services out there but with my credit and their high priced plans especially data it isn't cost effective this earth quake scare made me ponder switching yet again b/c my phone was a joke that day. Busy signals dropped calls only texting for a while so much for the now network and 4G. Now they're talking about hurricane Irene give us some time to absorb the quake first and possible evacuations since I don't live in any towns near water I don't feel scared but I've seen how bad weather can affect things I just want to make sure I have enough food supplies in the house just in case. Just got a call from the therapist about the cancelation and I felt bad about it and told her about our situation I told her it was better to talk to him directly I really don't feel like dealing with him and since HE is the one who ended things let him face the music and explain to her the reason behind his actions and if he wants to continue. I know I will continue on to heal and improve my own mental health and self-esteem. It's after 10 and I got to start getting to work.

insomnia

It's late at and I should be asleep but I can't seem to fall asleep today was a typical morning of dragging myself out of bed and trying to get Jr ready and out the door. I made pretty good timing into the city but today was a slow boring day which just makes the day drag. Today was the counseling visit but we never made it there. I get home early wash up eat and I get a text saying these two geniuses at the daycare canceled. I was furious at all of them this douche actually expected me to go and get our child after my commute claiming he was 20 min away well bus took forever to show he said I should've walked yeah ok there I show up there and she doesn't look sick at all if there is one thing I hate is liars but bad liars are the worst after barely being acknowledged I got Jr and left and walked home the cool breeze made the walk tolerable unfortunately we exchanged insults over texts not my most shining moment but I have a feeling this was done on purpose if not bad timing I tried my best to call and leave a msg but I never got a call back so I'm sure she was upset since visit was confirmed. As if my evening wasn't stressful enough Jr ate something he shouldn't have and vomited I had to clean it up which is torture in itself. Bath story and to bed. I finally got to watch tv and unwind but I just can't sleep I have too much on my mind I guess. Being alone isn't easy especially at night when I go to bed I hear it all Jr sleeps like a log but I have to start getting used to being alone now. I called 311 about housing got no where so I got to keep looking. It probably doesn't help that I ate sweets which are my weakness but I tend to do emotional eating sometimes. Tomorrow is visit to the therapist and I'm going to take advantage of it to blow off some steam I just got back from vacation and I already feel like I shouldn't have come back here which is sad. It's almost 12 and I hope I get up on time going to try and get some much needed rest

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