the months are flying by fast

It's been a while since I've blogged and my birthday came and went a thumbs up for us Leos and I can't believe how fast this month flew by before you know it December will be here. For the past few days all it did was rain over here and it is not easy traveling in the rain especially when I have to go to city and work trying to maneuver around all the umbrellas in the street, having to worry about the weather being bad and having to drop jr off in the sitter and hoping the bus comes on time. For 3 days straight I got a ride to the sitter and train and that only happened b/c my husband happened to be off but if it wasn't like that I'd be screwed either I guess I would've been paying for a cab. After a while rain makes me feel down tired and depressed, so I'm glad today to have finally saw the sun for a change. It was much easier and commute seems so much faster when the weather cooperates. This past weekend was the usual busy errands cleaning bills etc. and all it seems like is work work work ride the train back and forth and sometimes I get tired of it all, the daily rat race, the mindless office chatter, the ghettoness, I swear sometimes people just like to hear themselves talk sometimes in my mind I'm like stfu please I actually have work to do so I resort to plugging my ears with my ipod and disappear into some good music this week they've been playing some good 80's music and old school stuff while I work and it's nostalgic in many ways b/c when I listen to a song it reminds me of how old I was at the time what was in style or it could remind me of a particular experience in life. Music does great things for the soul and it does distract you from whatever is going on at the moment. I took an acceptable use technology training today and I thought it was laughable b/c mostly everyone uses the internet at work for email, etc. and I thought to myself let's be for real when there is absolutely nothing to do i've seen even my own mgr and supervisor online if you're not downloading porn or any other crap I don't see what the big deal is. Today was a slow day I was bored out of my mind, you can only fake looking busy for so long lol and I clicked internet explorer and there I was reading and surfing. It felt good to talk a walk today and not have to carry an umbrella for the next few days it's going to be pure sunshine and that's a good thing.

As much as I try to keep my head up and think positive but the mundane is just that "going through the motions" I realize that I'm sick of this place already. I'm sick of all the bs really b/c I know I'm capable of doing more and being in a more professional environment but what keeps me here as I've said so many times before darn I sound like a broken record is the crappy economy and my son to provide for. I was discussing this with a co worker of mine today on the ride home we're both sick of it she's going to retire in 2.5 yrs. and I wish I was retiring too but obviously that's a long time coming for me so I ask myself what's next for me? This crappy economy puts up so many obstacles today I saw someone who went to school for health courses etc. and she can't find a job and I couldn't believe it but then I thought the economy is bad and there's so much competition. I think I would feel worse if I had renewed my training etc and found myself in the same spot as years ago not being able to find a job in my field. This past weekend was stressful with a scare of my mother being sick she now has to watch her diet and take meds for cholesterol but she also has not stress herself out and unfortunately an individual who will remain nameless is the cause of a lot of unnecessary stress and aggravation. Sometimes I ask myself how hard is it do the right thing? I guess I say that b/c it's never been hard for me. I hope that with a change of diet, etc. things will get better but it only takes one day for something to happen to make you sit back and realize that life can change fast and we need to appreciate the ones in our lives more and not take people for granted. Sometimes I get tired of thinking of everything and taking care of others sometimes I wish people would take care of me for a change. It sounds selfish I know but I can't help how I feel sometimes. I know I look forward to our next vacation in December b/c I'm due for a rest again vacations never are as long enough as we'd like them to be. I had a bad case of insomnia last night and I hope I won't again this night. I'm glad that tomorrow is finally Friday well time for me to get some rest.

jet blue flight attendant gone wild

You look at the news everyday and it makes you think about why some people do the things they do? Could it be that they're going through a lot of stress in their lives, financial problems, family issues, an illness? In a city like New York you see so many people everyday walking the streets most of us are in a rush to get to work, school, etc. and you really don't think about the person next to you on the train, bus, at work. You don't think about what a person has in their mind or what they may be going through in their lives. Take this Jet Blue flight attendant for example, this guy has been a flight attendant for over 20+ years and he probably is a nice decent man who dedicated his life to serving customers but for only one incident he will be remembered for going off on a customer and leaving through an escape hatch, while some people may find it amusing, it really isn't. What was it going to cost that passenger to apologize to the attendant? nothing she should've sit her butt down and waited for the plane to finish parking at the gate like everyone else! Being a traveler myself people like annoy the **** out of me sit your *** down what's so important in that bag that you can't wait! What if she had hit a passenger in the head or face and said the same thing, I can guarantee she would've gotten cursed out or a punch in the face lol. I just find it ridiculous that she wasn't disciplined in anyway. People these days are self-centered have a sense of entitlement and no manners if it doesn't concern them or anyone else close to them they don't care. There is no respect consideration for other people or accountability. While I realize that they must try to maintain professionalism at all times, I sympathize with this man because he was under a lot of stress having a loved one who is terminally ill is not an easy thing to go through and maybe the fact that this passenger was so rude to him just set him off and he reacted in an extreme way. This should be a lesson to people you never know what someone is going through, what kind of day they're having so be careful before you open your mouth or do something that's going to get you in trouble and treat people like you would want to be treated. There are some people who are very resilient and don't crack under stress or pressure or just hide it very well and some people aren't and they either go bonkers like this guy did or go into a deep depression,. I feel sorry for this guy and while he may be facing charges and be jobless b/c I'm sure Jet Blue doesn't want this type of bad publicity I really hope he gets some professional help and pray for his mother that is ill. I realize that i'm a very diplomatic and compassionate person that not everyone possesses these traits and it's very sad but this incident and many others are harsh reality of the very fast paced, automated, self-centered, self-indulgent, world we live in these days. I welcome everyone's feedback.

"me" day and just thinking out loud.

Today is a "me" day. I don't get "me" days very often which is why I appreciate them so much. This weekend was very stressful and I didn't get a break at all. My son drove me bananas and didn't sleep all day I was to point that I was going to lose it but I tried to keep myself in check I can see how some people will lose it and seriously hurt their kid if they don't have self-control however it doesn't justify hurting a child but I do see that we're only human and can only be pushed yet so far. I got up this morning half asleep woke him up got him dressed and dropped him off at the babysitter and I'm reveling in the serenity and solitude. Sometimes I get to the point that I hate the weekends, I hate them b/c they're not for resting or relaxing, they're for cleaning, paying bills, errands, etc. by the time Sunday rolls around I'm even more tired than Friday sometimes. I wish I had an outlet sometimes someone who would come and take my son for a few hours but I don't. This is when you realize who your friends really are when you're in trouble or you need a favor and nine out of ten times no one is ever around when you need them. Honestly most people are full of shit I think friend like the word love is a word that's thrown around way too much. If you're a friend to someone are you really there for that person when they need you or are you just an opportunist, that when it's convenient for you to see this person you do, etc. I kind of that that a friendship is a two way street and a lot of times I've felt that I'm the only one nurturing it and that's when I said this is bs no more, I have my own life, my own problems, and if I'm making an effort you sure as well can try and that's when I decided I'm not going to chase anyone anymore. I look at it this way if people want to contact me they know my number, my facebook, email, etc. other than that I have my life to live and it's not an easy one at that. I wish I didn't have to deal with the daily rat race of this city, deal with certain people and bs at work or have to work period but harsh reality is I do. I've been looking through the jobs online and boy does the economy suck there wasn't anything good at all and most are offering shitty pay and no benefits or shitty pay with benefits or hours that a working mother can't work with. I saw a good hospital position I'd be interested in and when I saw the hours of 11am-7pm some days of the week 9-5 two other days plus alternate Saturdays 9-5 I said NO WAY I'm looking to simplify my life and maybe reduce my work schedule. I guess that's why no one has applied for the job. None of these jobs offer any flexibility in their schedules, I think there has to be more flexibility in work schedules so that working mothers like myself can spend more time with their children, be less stressed, and still contribute to the household income but it's getting to the point where people are paying ridiculous amounts of money to daycare centers and approaching burn out, and I feel like I'm already burning out I'm always tired, aggravated and short tempered. It's true that we spent more time at work than at home, that's pretty sad but the way people see it bills have to paid, rent being the most ridiculous expense of them all. Seems like all I do when I blog is complain lol but it's a good release for me. I know that there has to be something better out there for me that this can't be my only choice. I've thought of health care and now I'm sort of rethinking it too because I look at the job ads and the salaries they offer are ridiculous for the amount of work you do, interaction with patients, etc. it's a joke and a crying shame, I thought I make more just doing office work and data entry. I'm not only thinking about money as my issue deals with personal fulfillment but we do need to make something that we can live off of and $8-10 an hour in NYC is a joke and a crying shame and the ad said no benefits. You can't even pay rent with that salary. It was close to my house but do I want to leave a city job to deal with hood rats, idiots, and all the colorful individuals society has to offer b/c it was health care can I say a resounding hell no! I deal with some people like that where I work now. I know no job is perfect but when I do leave this current one I want to make sure it's the right fit for me overall so back to the drawing board for now. Next step is looking for an affordable preschool for my son that's going to be another challenge while the current place is very affordable I want him to be in a more structured environment and some of the lack of professionalism and organization of group family daycare is a little bit much for me to deal with when I have enough on my plate for example I was going to bring him on Wednesday as the doctor advised but I saw the area is healing nicely and he was feeling better and I decided to bring him today, I call her last night no answer leave a msg no return call. I text her daughter she assures me she will give her the msg I show up this morning and she looked completely surprised to see me and her daughter never gave her the message and I thought to myself this is totally ridiculous and a lack of organization. People love the idea of starting a business but they have no idea how to run one, they have no professionalism, no organization, these are things you need for your business to run well. It's not enough to become licensed by the State and City and Health department do you really care for these kids or are each of them just another dollar sign for you? I've heard lots of horror stories and all I've got to say is just b/c they're licensed doesn't make them good. Stop by unannounced then you'll really see how good they are. I did once and I didn't like what I saw but like many I bit the bullet b/c I cant afford anyone else right now. No one will take of your child like you bottom line. Well this is my rant for now going to try to catch up on some sleep, possibly get my nails done, grab some lunch and enjoy my limited time of peace and serenity for the day.

surgery, work, etc.

I can't believe August is here already 8 months of the year already gone, it seems like time flies by so fast and waits for no one. The hot weather came back today and it will be here tomorrow but I keep forgetting this is August so i'm sure we're bound to get another heat wave before the summer is officially over. Today was the baby's surgery and it was very nerve wracking at first when we arrived they make you fill out tons of paper work and sign a lot of papers when they called us I went in with him put on his scrubs my OR outfit and off we went it was very scary to see him on that table I stood with him until the anesthesia took effect and I left. Everything went well we were told the cyst was much bigger than they expected and when I saw him in recovery I was shocked b/c he looked all swollen it broke my heart to see my son like that he was extremely groggy and cranky as they told us he would be. After he drank some juice as they require and he came down from the anesthesia I signed the papers, they took the iv out and we went home. I feel such a sense of relief that the much awaited day is over tomorrow he has to go to the office to get the tube and dressings removed. I pray that he will never have to get this done again. I saw lots of kids in pain today and that's hard to see. I also felt very tired myself as we left very early in the morning I found myself falling asleep on the sofa so I know I will fall asleep easily tonight. I wish I didn't even have to go to work tomorrow or Friday but the good part is I'm only working half days so I will be out early and I'm kind of glad too b/c lately it's been extremely boring in the office it's slow b/c of summer I think and just some days have more to do than others. I sometimes ride the train home with someone I work with and we were talking about the status of the office and when I do this with people I'm very careful b/c I my motto is no one is your friend at work I've seen too many people get screwed at work by people they "thought they were cool with" or some how your comment you thought you were saying in confidence got back to the person you didn't want to hear. It sucks to think like that but that's how it is, I trust no one I've been stabbed in the back a few times myself. Anyway I digress we were talking about the nonsense of the office how work isn't fairly distributed, etc. and how two people don't pull their weight and she is getting tired of it and I told her my side that I feel I do the bulk of the work there and she agrees b/c she sees my daily report at the end of the week I get tired sometimes too of how some people get away with murder and honestly it all boils down to management. If management isn't good things like this will continue to go on. However what I didn't reveal is that I'm tired too and I have every intention of leaving that place when the time is right. I will miss a few people but overall I think a person knows when they've done what they can do somewhere and it's time to start new and I think I've reached this point a long time ago. I know I'm an intelligent person who has a lot to offer administratively and other wise and can do well someplace else I just wish it wasn't so hard b/c of the rotten economy. What I've realized is there's always going to be idiots, a-holes, brown nosers, haterade no matter where yo work b/c that's human nature. I plan to pursue health care because that's where I've always had an interest to work in clinical or even non clinical a fresh start is what I need maybe fewer hours in a week so I can be home earlier and spend time with my son people don't realize that it's not easy being a working mother especially working full time. There's just not enough part-time opportunities out there and not enough affordable childcare centers most of these places are ridiculously expensive and there's just not enough disposable household income for families to be able to afford it and not struggle every month, rent alone is like a mortgage payment. I'm just glad that the day has come to an end, my son is okay and asleep in his bed and hope that he will be back to his old self within a few days.

to each is own

It's been one heck of a week I thought Friday was never going to come. I hate when things are slow at work b/c it makes the work day drag. It's weird b/c when you're at home time flies by so fast but 4:00 always takes forever and a day to come at work. I was late to work today thanks to the my favorite city agency the MTA 10 minutes to be exact and to top it off I get to work to hear meaningless freaking chatter in the office. I mean some people are so freaking stupid I think they like to just hear themselves talk. One of them starts talking about how all of the food is altered and how meat is killing us etc. etc. I was like shut up please! all of that high priced so called organic stuff sometimes isn't really organic while I know people are entitled to have their opinions and their lifestyles I don't agree with being a vegetarian or vegan. One I love meat too much and not necessarily red meat I like chicken and pork and I feel that if you eat everything in moderation and avoid junk you should be okay unless you have underlying health issues that require you to follow a special diet. I don't see the point in restricting myself from things I like and how much protein can you get from beans, legumes, tofu, etc. and what about dinner who the hell wants to eat beans, rice, and all of that stuff for dinner every single day but to each is own let us eat the way we want to eat and you eat what you want. Then they start talking about how someone is never on time for mass and there I'm thinking again shut up! At least a person is making an effort to go to church, I find that the one that are the most holier than thou are the biggest hypocrites and live in a well built glass house. I don't go to church much but I know that I'm a good person, like to help others when I can and I have compassion for other people and I try not to judge people even though I'm human and sometimes we all fall short of the mark. I've learned that everyone will always have an opinion about things you do regardless of how much effort you put, spent, tried to make it right b/c that's human nature I try not to care about what other people think about me but a very small part of us does notice how I say very small. I'm glad that we're getting a short break from this heat wave but I'm sure the weather will find it's way back up there again. I cant believe tomorrow is August 1st where has the year gone. Next month is my bday I can't believe how old i'm going I'll be 21 again lol I so wish I was 21 again I would do so many things differently if I was. Lately I just feel very bored with work I know i've been feeling like that for a while but with the economy being so bad I'm really afraid to start looking for anything else but I think a person knows when it's time to move on and I know that time has come for me. I'm just trying to do it right. I just feel like I can be doing something more challenging and there a lot of stuff that goes on here that I don't like and honestly if I wanted a higher administrative opportunity due to the bs and office politics I would never get it so why stick around b/c of the economy and my son. This weekend I plan to clean the house of course but I also plan to relax and take it easy for once. Wednesday is the big day for the baby's surgery I'm praying everything will go well but i'm glad my husband will be home this week so I can at least get an extra hour of sleep in the mornings and hope that I will get to work on time for a change. Well it's 9:30 and I'm ready for a pepsi, some tv a shower and to crash into bed.

an okay monday

This weekend like most was pretty busy cleaning, paying bills, going grocery shopping a task that I despise. I have to say that they had some pretty good sales at the supermarket which is good b/c everything is so expensive these days. Today wasn't a bad Monday I usually have a case of the "mondays" every monday but an extra hour of sleep really helped me get going. I got to work on time another plus. I brought my lunch and stood in today there are days where I really don't feel like dealing with the crowds and lines at lunch time. I have to say it's been one hell of a summer weather wise, it seems like we're not getting a break from this heat and my con ed bill was outrageous this month but if we don't use the a/c you can't sleep comfortable and a fan after a while doesn't do a darn thing but blow hot air. Today after I work I wanted to get a few things at the drug store and that turned out to be a painfully annoying experience. I went to two stores looking for a body powder puff and some styling gel after not striking luck at two pharmacies I made the mistake of going into rite aid. I figure the lines are always long so thought nothing of it I went to find my items and time for me to pay what do you know there's some freaking f*tard holding up the line and you can tell the cashier and mgr want to choke her heck I and everyone else on line did too. She kept insisting that they owed her coupons, etc. I was standing on line slowing boiling b/c i'm tired from working, commute I just want to get my stuff and gtfo on home. Finally the kook leaves and it's my turn the cashier has an attitude and asks if I had discount card I didn't have it and while I understand she was majorly annoyed by that tard it's not my fault and she said you need to bring your card but with an attitude I was already aggravated and I was going to tell her off but I counted slowly and didn't and just said thank you and I left. I ask myself wtf is wrong with people, learn how to read and how to count and for the sake of everyone else's sanity if you don't know how to do both or are an annoying nickle and diming cheap skate STAY HOME between the hours of 3-6 pm and come out while the rest of us are at school, work, and come to rite aid or any other establishment and annoy the staff then. I know it sounds pretty messed what I'm saying but cmon! read the signs and the flyers! I know I always do. If i'm wrong and I make a mistake then I put it back I don't hold up a line for 10 minutes and fight with the workers. Except for that tardisode I had a pretty okay day for a Monday. It's been kind of slow at work so there are days where I just feel very bored and unmotivated well I looked inside my drawers today and I couldn't believe what a freaking mess they were I just took everything out and start shredding left and right. I can now find things in my drawer and I ask myself why do people hold on to junk? It felt so liberating to shred and get rid of all that unnecessary crap. I now I have to conquer the left side of my cabinet tomorrow I figure if and when they do lay off or give us a last day my drawers will be cleaned out and I would turn have to turn in the key. If I only had a monster shredder like that at home but of course that's a commercial one and would cost a fortune but I'm going to save up to get a big one b/c they just make cleaning up so much easier. Today my son went to the ENT dr, the ambulatory center, and his pediatrician for pre-surgical stuff. As the date of surgery gets closer I'm nervous about it but I've resigned myself to the fact that it has to be done. He's getting big at his visit he weighed 26 lbs and is now 38 inches tall. I know that day will be here before you know it but I can't wait till it's all over. Well it's past 10 time for me to shower and get ready for bed another early start tomorrow I can pray that the weather isn't as hot as it's been and to get to work on time again but being at the mercy of the mta that doesn't always happen.

more uncertainity and vagueness

These past several weeks the weather has been very hot and after a while the heat can wear you down making you feel tired, lazy, and without motivation or energy. I've also been feeling on edge and aggravated lately it seems like things just seem to get harder, more challenging and sometimes when you listen to the news that alone is like a never ending rant of negativity. Ever since the new budget cuts have gone into effect with the MTA my commute to and from work especially to work has become a nightmare. I'm late to work almost every single day. If it's not the bus that's late it's the train that takes forever to move, etc. etc. it's like a daily obstacle course and after a while that plus the bs at work, going back and forth to the sitter, etc. it just becomes too much to deal with at times, then to top it off they're going to shut down my train and one of the connecting starting next week and I was like FML what else can go wrong? Then I hear from someone at work that she has to go to another mtg soon that there's going to be another round of lay offs coming soon and of course that worries me even more b/c I was spared from the dec 09 group and some in May yesterday there was a union meeting that we went to and I couldn't believe that there was a heavy downpour coming down we all got wet I was pissed off b/c I had open shoes on and I thought to myself why the heck did I even bother coming outside? We were told they'd have important information so I figure we'd get some specific answers, etc. and while the people were nice and all I left leaving there with the same uncertainty and vagueness I feel now WHEN is it going to happen? So I as well as the others continue to go to work everyday and be in limbo until we either get a letter from the main hr office or a pink slip. I'm just so sick of it lately I ask myself can things get any worse? Am I going to come into work one day and be told today is my last day or this date will be your last? It sucks b/c how does a person properly prepare for it? Another thing that is on my mind is our son's upcoming surgery at the beginning of next month. I'm hoping and praying that everything goes well and that he will never have to have the procedure done again. On the other hand I tell the babysitter this and she expected to be paid for the whole week even though my son is going to be there only 2 days and I couldn't believe it she didn't even show concern for the fact that he's going to be out b/c of surgery and I thought what a greedy bitch! I have to say that and a few other things haven't left me with the best taste in my mouth but the only reason I keep him here is b/c her rate is good and my son is happy with the other kids. When it all comes to down to it it's all about the money with most people. I'm also concerned about my own health because I haven't gotten my period yet and while I know i'm not pregnant it bothers me and I called the dr office to obtain the results of my blood wk to no avail no call back yet. I call to try and see a gyn dr through their clinic I was told I have to wait until the end of August! Are they for real? How are you only going to have one dr who takes a two month vacation and no replacements? It's the wave of incompetence that rears it ugly head again. After coming back to work after that meeting I thought yesterday was a true waste of my time and on top of that the strap of my shoes breaks and I don't have an extra pair. I decided last night that I needed to take a mental health day off from work and the daily bs. I was able to sleep in and chill out but time always stands still at work but flies by when you're at home. I wish I could take another day tomorrow but I have to go to work. I look around on the internet for other jobs and I can't believe how bad the job market is and while I bitch and moan a lot about my job I guess it's better than no job at all but there are times where I feel i'm on the brink of burn out, exhaustion, etc. and I know I have to learn how to relax and calm down and not get so angry at times but sometimes people just really push your buttons sometimes. For now I have to continue to deal with the uncertainty keep going to work everyday until I'm told otherwise. Another thing that really made me laugh is we were told to take all the civil service exams we can, okay now at $30 a test who can really afford that if they get laid off? I've taken 4 exams passed them with good marks and I still don't have a reachable number and even the union guy himself said its all about what mgmt or whoever wants to do for you so I guess no one wants to do a darn thing for us. I saw the list and see that the test for my job title will be given march 2011 why next yr why not now when people really need it? Who knows what will happen by then? I haven't decided if I'm even going to bother or not. This year we have enjoyed the summer more we've gone to the park pool and beach quite a few times this year and we figure why stay stuck in the house when we can enjoy the pool and cool off there for a few hours and relax. I'm just tired of this heat it seems like this summer has been as intense as the winter we had this year. I really wish it would cool down at least a little and when it rains it usually cools down the weather not the past few times it has rained here humidity is very uncomfortable. Well I think I've ranted long enough I might as well continue to enjoy my day off as I don't get to have one very often.