rainy thursday

It's 3:30 and half hr left until I go home and I really wish this rain would stop it makes the weather humid and my hair is a ball of frizz.  Today I felt better than the last few days I came in and tried to play catch up with work and I did okay but the rest can get done tomorrow.  I went to get lunch and got some food from the deli overpriced but edible.  Buying lunch can get expensive especially here in Manhattan and working near Tribeca doesn't help this.  Everything here is a rip off and since I refuse to deal with microwave drama I buy my stuff outside.  I have to work on my diet b/c while I'm exercising sometimes I keep slipping up when it comes to food.  I also have to stop being lazy and cook my own food and bring it in which is why I can't wait for us to have our own space back so I can bring my own food again to work it saves a lot of money.  Today I called the counseling center and I have to say that I was annoyed with them b/c the guy kept giving me a song and a dance when I needed monday for an appointment.  This is not a good sign b/c flexibility is one of the things I need to have for both of our schedules and I really don't want to keep putting this off as we need help I honestly think we should've gone to counseling years ago maybe things wouldn't have gotten to what they are now and a part of me is afraid that things are beyond fixing at this point.  I have the other counseling place in my mind just in case they don't work out.  I've been practicing using a combination lock you'd think I would've mastered it's use in high school I could never get it right so I always used a key lock until one day I saw my locker open.  I feel much safer with a combo lock at the gym b/c I lock my cell phone and other belongings away so far I almost got it down pat.  I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday I wish I could just rest but I know what will await me is house cleaning, laundry, and other errands.  I got a text at the last minute the therapist canceled and I'm thinking here we go have to reschedule yet again and I don't want this to interefere with my gym schedule.  I have a feeling that this new occupational therapist isn't very accommodating and this is the same bs I had to encounter with the other one I mean seriously you couldn't wait 15 minutes for me to get off the bus and get home.  Today was a morning of mixed signals from him, throwing a towel around himself when he sees me coming as if I haven't seen you nude let's get serious, asking how his pants look and I ask myself wtf is wrong with this guy? I don't like when ppl give me mixed signals and I let him know right away.  This is akward enough and the last thing I need is you making it more confusing.  My mother keeps asking me when and if she will see us for the summer and it's just not that easy, my time off balance hasn't increased and I'd rather take paid time off since I really can't afford to do non-paid.  I know she really wants to see her grandson and I really need a break but I've looked at ticket prices and they're high and waiting till two months before sure doesn't help you with prices.  We can also drive but then with gas prices so either way it's expensive.  I hope I can iron out the details soon.  It's time for me to go hope tomorrow I will feel a little better and get more done.  Tomorrow is gym day time for zumba again. 

going through the motions.

Yesterday I tried to motivate myself to get some real work done but it just wasn't happening my mind has been some place else.  Today I got on the wrong train instead of my train I transfer to for the remainder of my ride I had to then take the 6 train and I was 5 minutes late.  I'm just going through the motions I have my periods of the day where I'm okay and then there are times that I don't feel like doing anything and I feel very sad today I managed to get more work done but I'm lagging far behind from my usual productivity I think it's depression with all of the things I've been dealing with lately.  I left early and went to the counseling center and spoke to someone there and I tried to maintain my composure but when I was asked certain questions I couldn't and I started crying.  I just can't believe that in a matter of days everything is so messed up and I fear the upcoming challenges in front of me.  I was told a separate intake appointment had to be done and he was annoyed and responds oh I have to go the city and I thought wtf does it matter? if you really wanted to save our relationship this would be irrelevant.  I fear that when we do go it's going to get heated but I have to face what the harsh reality is we have to get out the issues in a controlled environment with someone who is neutral and a professional.  I know family and friends try their best but it's just not the same.  I left the office feeling weird not a sense of relief like when I went to EAP which I guess means every therapist has their own style.  I spoke to my mother and went to the gym afterward only to regret going to the 6:00 class b/c I had no idea how crowded that place I had to wind up finding a locker all the way at the end near the weight room.  I took a different class to try it out called total body work out and wow do you need a lot of equipment for that class two sets of weights, bar, ball, step, etc.  I did feel the burn and some pain I think I will stick to the zumba and try out others.  It was late and I needed to get home so I got my bag and left only to deal with the nonsense of the bus they really need to provide more service on the Q58 in the evenings it seems like everyone rides this bus.  I got home exhausted greeted him and child ate and went with jr to give him his bath and watch cartoons and off to bed I went.  These past two days I've been falling asleep early I guess the gym tires me out too.  Today I have to pick jr and I don't look fwd to dealing with the bus and I'm praying that the rain will wait till I get home.  Sometimes I think this is just a nightmare and I will wake up and things will be normal again, no such luck.  As angry as I can get at times with him I never imagined we'd be at this point right now.  Today I decided to get out take a walk to get my mind off of things tried the new asian place on murray st.  I got some thai food ginger chicken white rice it's good but expensive so I deemed this place the "pay day lunch" or special occasion joint".  Another place I'd like to try is the Muscle Grill all low calorie good food.  The work day has ended and it's time for me to go hope tomorrow I will feel better than today I'd think I'd feel worse if the office comedian wasn't near my desk.  Well off to catch my train and hope the buses are running well today. 

unstable feelings

Yesterday I was feeling down and there are times where my mood goes up and down I feel ok and then I will think about something that was said and I will feel down again.  After all of the things said, weird thing is I don't feel any better about the situation, most people usually do.  The truth isn't easy to listen to at times but when communication breaks and people just keep holding things in is when things get bad.  Since this conversation he's trying to be nice and actually called me and ask me if I wanted him to cook yesterday and I hear the twilight zone music in the background b/c after I was told of all of my so called flaws you're calling me to do exactly what you say I don't do enough of.  It's confusing and annoying to get all of these mixed signals. I've been distant but how else would he expect me to be?.  Today I will be leaving early and going to take intake visit at the counseling center and I know it's not going to be an easy thing for me and I will try to maintain my composure and try not to get emotional when I try to explain why I'm there and what services I'm looking for.  It's either now or never sometimes we take out time for other things that aren't that important but things that really matter we never make the time for it.  No matter how things turn out I know I will need their help to get through this.  I'm wondering if my heart will ever be whole again in my previous break up for my marriage I was in a depression for a while and I didn't want to know about meeting anyone else but then my now husband came along and now I'm at a cross roads where it is a possibility that relationship can end too I ask myself all the time why is it so hard for me to maintain a relationship perhaps its issues of my own that I've never really addressed or dealt or is it just the fact that I just pick the wrong guys whatever it is I don't know how people put themselves out there on the dating scene all the time I'm just not one of those people and should things not work out I don't see myself being on that scene again.  Everyone is on their best behavior when they're dating until you get to know them better or move in with them then you really see who that person is and sometimes you don't always like what you get.  Going to the gym for me is like a release and a way to distract my mind, I went to a zumba class again with a different instructor but I didn't like this one he was way too fast for me I know I'm out of shape but the other guy on friday's class movements were way easier to follow.  I guess every instructor incorporates the moves differently.  I also did a few minutes on the exercise bike.  I need to do that orientation so I can start using the other machines like the treadmill and the elipitcal and weights or I really wont start seeing results.  Last night I was so tired I went with jr towatch his cartoons and read him books but I fell asleep with him and didn't get up till the morning.  Today I will try to go the gym after the counseling center and I hope there is a good class today if not I will try the location in Astoria.  I'm really trying to stick to going to this place as it's convenient and inexpensive but their customer service has gone down the tubes over the years and it's starting to work my nerves and I haven't even been a member that long.  I deal with enough nonsense the last thing I need is more so I will continue to play it by ear and if things don't improve I will be looking for another club.  People don't realize that customer service is everything when it comes to a business and if it is poor the business suffers.  I was even thinking of joining Curves since the work outs are only 30 minutes.  We'll see how things progress.  It's after 9 and time to get to work. 

extreme sadness

These past few days have been an emotional rollercoaster for me and it's emotionally taxing on my body and mind.  It will be a week on Wednesday since I found out that I was deceived and betrayed by the person who is supposed to be my mate and care about me and everything has seem to snowball from there and I'm between sadness, anger, feeling depressed, etc.  to stay and get professional counseling or to proceed with dissolving the marriage.  I feel betrayed and all of the trust I had in him is gone and they say with no trust there is nothing.  The most important things are respect and trust and when you lie to someone about anything you're betraying them and their trust.  I've had to wrestle with the fact that I will never have another child due to his deception if I even choose to remain in this marriage.  I always knew this could be possible but I was lead to believe that there was hope and when someone isn't even willing to be honest or even get an analysis done to confirm this just makes it even worse.  I feel so much anger and rage at times then it trickles down to extreme sadness.  We've had up and downs in the past but it's never deteriorated to this point and I think the deception was the cherry on top of every other issue we had.  It was father's day and we didn't even spend it together and that bothered him but considering the f* up emotional climate why put on an act in front of other people? I spent the day alone feeling down and sad I tried to go out to the shopping area and see if that would distract my mind but it was only a temporary fix I got some things I needed had to deal with the aggravation of the mta bus and come home with them both arriving half hr later.  After jr was asleep he wanted to have "the talk" and it was pretty bad.  I was told by him that he's no longer in love with me as if the slap in the face of betraying me isn't enough, and had to listen to him victimize himself stating that I took out things in his face which never occured and hear how I'm a wonderful mother but a bad wife and how I don't cook this that and the other I really felt like telling to pack his stuff and gtfo out of the apt.  I'm not perfect by n o means but it takes two to tango and everyone has to own up to their own bs.  I'm not martha stewart by any means I hate to cook especially after I'm tired from working all day and I realize he works too but when you're subjected to constant criticism of your food after a while it gets old and I get aggravated and it just a waste of food and time.  A bad wife doesn't stay with some one whose family is the ghetto brady bunch and put up with rudeness on their behalf/friends, a bad wife doesn't stick by you during your illness, a bad wife doesn't go back to work before she really wants to after my son was born, a bad wife doesn't make sure the bills are paid and wouldn't give a darn about her child.  On the contrary I haven't been perfect but I haven't been terrible and for someone to tell you that the child is the only reason they're around is a big bruise to your ego.  Intimacy? how he can't remember well hmm let's see if you're too busy being a douche bag the last thing I'm thinking about is sex.  Just that statement alone proves men will have sex whether you have issues or not women are different, well at least I am I can go without that it's not only physical it's emotional and if I'm angry or upset, etc. it's definitely not happening.  My issues main one is trust if he can lie about anything can't trust him, he always minimizes everything doesn't validate my feelings, overly critical, etc.  too make a long story short he agreed to counseling but doesn't feel it will help and I said well that's a positive out look.  I left and went to my room and cried a river of tears so much that I had a headache when I awoke this morning and the future is still uncertain.  It may work it may not.  I took some aleve this morning for my headache and got ready for work and even while I'm here, it's like I'm here but I'm not here I managed to get some work done and the only things I look forward to is being with jr or going to the gym.  The gym is like my escape and time alone.  Today I will be going to zumba class for the second time and I'm sure I will enjoy it a lot it will help me take my mind off of everything that's going on.  I guess we will give it the boating school try with counseling but something tells me it's going to be explosive but it needs to happen we can't continue to live like this anymore and I don't want our child exposed to this either.  Our child deserves to be happy and as hard as that is for me to accept even if it's apart thats a harsh reality.  Failure is a terrible feeling and after 11 years together 3 yrs married kind of makes you think about the years invested in a relationship and to start over now is a scary feeling but it's something I need to think about b/c it's a possibility it can happen.  It also makes you realize most marriages don't last these days.  Trying to keep a small shred of positivity with the counseling thing easier said than done.  to be continued.....

End of Weinergate

When I first heard of this I thought here we go another politician who messed up yet again, and the headlines were endless.  I actually have am ny and metro new york papers and I think each one of them had a headline or small box about him I think it got it to the point it was ridiculous.  I think this is a very sad situation b/c this is a person who despite his very stupid acts did a lot of good for the people of his district and for the seniors of Queens.  I don't think some people will remember the good he did just the fact that he messed up the way he did. I just can't believe that he had such a lapse in judgement that he allowed himself to engage in these inappropriate exchanges online and mess up his career the way he did.  I think we are all human and mess up we make bad choices, say things we shouldn't etc.  but Weiner's mistake was he lied about it. He did not come clean about it during his initial statement or when the first pictures came out.  I think if he would've came clean and admitted what he did and apologized people would've had more respect for him but he didn't I think he got too comfortable, he was a little narcissistic, and didn't think the photos would come out bottom line is no one likes a liar especially when you're a public figure and the people of the district put their trust in you.  We hold the politicians and other public figures to a much higher moral standard and everyone is shocked when they mess up, I think people seem to forget that they're also human.  I think he let down his district his constituents and most importantly his wife. I will not be surprised if down the line I hear she's left him if she stands by him through the end I'll be surprised.  I hope he's learned from this and will get the help he needs but if this is any indication what do you online can come back to bite you I don't know what is!  While I agree what he did was wrong, some people are very self righetous and judgemental like Nancy Pelosi there are politicians who've done far worse and weren't asked to resign like Rangel that crook abused his power and used city rent regulated apartments as office space, had a villa in DR paying no taxes, and i'm sure more things but all he got was a censure which is pretty much a slap on the wrist instead he should've been told to get out, people like John Edwards, Sharpe James, Mimms (another jersey mayor) all of these people were elected by the public and had the public's trust and they misused and abused it. and even the Clintons were talking smack about weiner, hmm ex president did you forget what YOU did???? I'm sure those stains were just white out that spilled off the secretary's desk, they're the last person to throw a rock at anybody.   I saw his speech yesterday on Fox 5 and I feel in the end it was the right thing for him to do b/c I doubt with all of the media blitz, etc.  he wasn't going to be able to continue his job or be taken seriously by a lot of people.  I also feel that his fellow Democrats didn't back him yet threw him under the bus which speaks volumes that politics is dirty and when things are bad is when you know who really is there.  We probably would've been able to hear it a lot better had they not allowed that heckler to keep running his mouth, seems like any nut can get into a press conference these days.  I guess it didn't occur to them that they should get security.  Either way i'm glad this is all over this is was a scandal that was overexposed, and exploited by the media, comedians, and anyone who had the ability to give an opinion.  It's time to turn the page and move on I'm hoping my next copy of the news paper will have a new headline other than this one until the next dope is caught with his pants down NYC.

first work out

This Wednesday was my first trip to the gym and since I haven't completed the orientation for the machines I did a class called turbo kick which I guess is aerobic moves with kick boxing moves and it turbo kicked my a**.  I didn't realize how out of shape I really am I took a sip of water 3 times and I think I should've started out with something slower but the schedule says it's for all levels I disagree with that I think they need to break up the classes beginner, intermediate, advanced b/c this way the moves are going to be tailored to each level.  The work out pants I got were too big and I kept having to pick up them up during the class how embarrassing is that so I had to go down another size.  I found some new balance ones today for $10 at a discount store around the job I hope they fit well b/c I hate having to keep searching for the same type of pants.  I visited the gym location near where I live and I didn't really like the set up but every location is different.  What I didn't like about this place was the lack of professionalism of the front desk very ghettofied they don't greet any one and the fact that the lockers are right near the work out areas where male employees can come in and see yet they don't want you using the bathrooms as dressing rooms hmm did it ever occur to you that I don't want to look at anyone's stuff or I don't want anyone looking at mine yeah I know we have the same thing but so what I saw a couple of sights that I wanted to puke over for example do you really need that body armor or these so called slimmers when you're going to gym??? first of all you can see all of your lady lumps celluluite bumps on your *** and a camel toe that you just can't miss.  Seriously? Do us all a favor and buy sweats or wear leggings till you can look like one of the models who are on the poster who model the crap but don't need it just want to fool ppl into thinking it can minimize what it really can't perhaps smash it down.  I'm not slim I need to lose weight hence the reason why I'm at the gym but guess what my body is solid and there's no way I'd walk out with inappropriate gym clothes for my body type which is why I keep it simple tshirt or nylon work out shirts and capris or shorts.   I also knew where I was when there was a sign that said to use combination locks instead of key locks it didn't say that at other places that was in a way nicer area.   The thing that turned me off the most was the fact that there was no machine rotation I don't like when people hog the machines and I'm not about to get into a altercation over gym equipment so I just may use this place to do a class or two then go home but if I want to use weights or machines take a ride into the other locations.  This is "me" time and I don't want stress or aggravation during this time as I have enough of that as it is.  Today I'm deciding between zumba or aerobics class I think zumba is a pretty fast class too so I'm still in the deciding mode.  I have to work on my eating habits still I still slip up here and there and stay away from my weaknesses which are sweets, etc.  I've considered joining weight watchers but can I really afford to do both? It kind of limits what you can eat and many restaurants have a section where you can order weight watchers inspired entrees but I looked at some of them and they don't look that appetizing.  My fitness journey has just started and I have a long way to go so I'm sure eventually my body will get the hang of exercising and eating healthier. 

the last meal

I decided to take a walk to Greenwich st today at lunch just for a walk and to go to McDonald's this was my last meal as of tomorrow I start going to the gym and no more fast food while I love McDonald's fries especially when they're fresh off the basket but its not good for you and eating like that will defeat the purpose of me working out and while I'm sure I will treat myself here and there I will keep it as a once in a while thing. Ice cream is another weakness of mine but I've got a good alternative the frozen yogurt places however I will also try to stay away from self service to keep portions low but not depriving myself I'm eager to start working out not only for my health but I'm tired of trying to find my size in the store a size 10 is much easier to find than a 14 or 16 and I'd love to be able to shop in NY & Co again. I will start with just a class until I can go to the orientation for the machines I hope I won't be too worn out but I'm looking forward to a lighter healthier and fitter me

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8