extreme sadness

These past few days have been an emotional rollercoaster for me and it's emotionally taxing on my body and mind.  It will be a week on Wednesday since I found out that I was deceived and betrayed by the person who is supposed to be my mate and care about me and everything has seem to snowball from there and I'm between sadness, anger, feeling depressed, etc.  to stay and get professional counseling or to proceed with dissolving the marriage.  I feel betrayed and all of the trust I had in him is gone and they say with no trust there is nothing.  The most important things are respect and trust and when you lie to someone about anything you're betraying them and their trust.  I've had to wrestle with the fact that I will never have another child due to his deception if I even choose to remain in this marriage.  I always knew this could be possible but I was lead to believe that there was hope and when someone isn't even willing to be honest or even get an analysis done to confirm this just makes it even worse.  I feel so much anger and rage at times then it trickles down to extreme sadness.  We've had up and downs in the past but it's never deteriorated to this point and I think the deception was the cherry on top of every other issue we had.  It was father's day and we didn't even spend it together and that bothered him but considering the f* up emotional climate why put on an act in front of other people? I spent the day alone feeling down and sad I tried to go out to the shopping area and see if that would distract my mind but it was only a temporary fix I got some things I needed had to deal with the aggravation of the mta bus and come home with them both arriving half hr later.  After jr was asleep he wanted to have "the talk" and it was pretty bad.  I was told by him that he's no longer in love with me as if the slap in the face of betraying me isn't enough, and had to listen to him victimize himself stating that I took out things in his face which never occured and hear how I'm a wonderful mother but a bad wife and how I don't cook this that and the other I really felt like telling to pack his stuff and gtfo out of the apt.  I'm not perfect by n o means but it takes two to tango and everyone has to own up to their own bs.  I'm not martha stewart by any means I hate to cook especially after I'm tired from working all day and I realize he works too but when you're subjected to constant criticism of your food after a while it gets old and I get aggravated and it just a waste of food and time.  A bad wife doesn't stay with some one whose family is the ghetto brady bunch and put up with rudeness on their behalf/friends, a bad wife doesn't stick by you during your illness, a bad wife doesn't go back to work before she really wants to after my son was born, a bad wife doesn't make sure the bills are paid and wouldn't give a darn about her child.  On the contrary I haven't been perfect but I haven't been terrible and for someone to tell you that the child is the only reason they're around is a big bruise to your ego.  Intimacy? how he can't remember well hmm let's see if you're too busy being a douche bag the last thing I'm thinking about is sex.  Just that statement alone proves men will have sex whether you have issues or not women are different, well at least I am I can go without that it's not only physical it's emotional and if I'm angry or upset, etc. it's definitely not happening.  My issues main one is trust if he can lie about anything can't trust him, he always minimizes everything doesn't validate my feelings, overly critical, etc.  too make a long story short he agreed to counseling but doesn't feel it will help and I said well that's a positive out look.  I left and went to my room and cried a river of tears so much that I had a headache when I awoke this morning and the future is still uncertain.  It may work it may not.  I took some aleve this morning for my headache and got ready for work and even while I'm here, it's like I'm here but I'm not here I managed to get some work done and the only things I look forward to is being with jr or going to the gym.  The gym is like my escape and time alone.  Today I will be going to zumba class for the second time and I'm sure I will enjoy it a lot it will help me take my mind off of everything that's going on.  I guess we will give it the boating school try with counseling but something tells me it's going to be explosive but it needs to happen we can't continue to live like this anymore and I don't want our child exposed to this either.  Our child deserves to be happy and as hard as that is for me to accept even if it's apart thats a harsh reality.  Failure is a terrible feeling and after 11 years together 3 yrs married kind of makes you think about the years invested in a relationship and to start over now is a scary feeling but it's something I need to think about b/c it's a possibility it can happen.  It also makes you realize most marriages don't last these days.  Trying to keep a small shred of positivity with the counseling thing easier said than done.  to be continued.....