going through the motions.

Yesterday I tried to motivate myself to get some real work done but it just wasn't happening my mind has been some place else.  Today I got on the wrong train instead of my train I transfer to for the remainder of my ride I had to then take the 6 train and I was 5 minutes late.  I'm just going through the motions I have my periods of the day where I'm okay and then there are times that I don't feel like doing anything and I feel very sad today I managed to get more work done but I'm lagging far behind from my usual productivity I think it's depression with all of the things I've been dealing with lately.  I left early and went to the counseling center and spoke to someone there and I tried to maintain my composure but when I was asked certain questions I couldn't and I started crying.  I just can't believe that in a matter of days everything is so messed up and I fear the upcoming challenges in front of me.  I was told a separate intake appointment had to be done and he was annoyed and responds oh I have to go the city and I thought wtf does it matter? if you really wanted to save our relationship this would be irrelevant.  I fear that when we do go it's going to get heated but I have to face what the harsh reality is we have to get out the issues in a controlled environment with someone who is neutral and a professional.  I know family and friends try their best but it's just not the same.  I left the office feeling weird not a sense of relief like when I went to EAP which I guess means every therapist has their own style.  I spoke to my mother and went to the gym afterward only to regret going to the 6:00 class b/c I had no idea how crowded that place I had to wind up finding a locker all the way at the end near the weight room.  I took a different class to try it out called total body work out and wow do you need a lot of equipment for that class two sets of weights, bar, ball, step, etc.  I did feel the burn and some pain I think I will stick to the zumba and try out others.  It was late and I needed to get home so I got my bag and left only to deal with the nonsense of the bus they really need to provide more service on the Q58 in the evenings it seems like everyone rides this bus.  I got home exhausted greeted him and child ate and went with jr to give him his bath and watch cartoons and off to bed I went.  These past two days I've been falling asleep early I guess the gym tires me out too.  Today I have to pick jr and I don't look fwd to dealing with the bus and I'm praying that the rain will wait till I get home.  Sometimes I think this is just a nightmare and I will wake up and things will be normal again, no such luck.  As angry as I can get at times with him I never imagined we'd be at this point right now.  Today I decided to get out take a walk to get my mind off of things tried the new asian place on murray st.  I got some thai food ginger chicken white rice it's good but expensive so I deemed this place the "pay day lunch" or special occasion joint".  Another place I'd like to try is the Muscle Grill all low calorie good food.  The work day has ended and it's time for me to go hope tomorrow I will feel better than today I'd think I'd feel worse if the office comedian wasn't near my desk.  Well off to catch my train and hope the buses are running well today.