the beginning of.the end

Since I've been on vacation I've been able to relax and get away from the city rat race work and.appointments I feel more relaxed and nice surroundings help a lot but I got some news I wasn't expecting over the weekend Mr x called me and.asked if we.could "talk" and asked if I can go somewhere private little did I know how this conversation would progress b/c I figured we had agreed to.go to marriage counseling to sort out the issues but as the talking progressed he told me it was over my marriage is officially over and I find this out while I'm hundreds of miles away on vacation I was told there is no "right" time for this but not to wait till I return to NY or after my birthday which is today to give me such news just tells me that ppl really don't care I guess when a break up is mutual and there are no feelings left it makes things easier but I'm not the one who wanted to end things and much to my disappointment I guess my efforts to seek counseling were in vain which hurts me even more we only went to two sessions and he still wants to go so we can able to co parent our child. I've shed a lot of tears and feel like a failure ppl tell me I shouldn't but I do like a lot of ppl out there when I got married I thought it would be forever and while we had rough patches I never imagined I'd be at this point now I was told that we are avoiding the inevitable and as I've had time to analyze that remark maybe its true maybe some things are beyond repair but I figure this would be something I'd hear after months of counseling but not two visits which makes me think either a person already has their mind made up or there are other alterior motives behind this and I've had my suspicions for a while but no concrete proof of this even though he denies it I wouldn't be surprised if it came out down the line b/c everything comes to the light eventually. I went on fb yesterday to wish a friend a happy bday only to find myself deleted which is no surprise to me. I go into my account to find out he used my debit card w/o me knowing and the total was over $100 and that infuriated me b/c if I'm not good enogh to be your wife my money isn't either. I told him. off by text msg and while many consider it hiding through technology its easier than gettinkg into a volatile phone conversation. I told him he was going to pay me for every transaction posted which I feel is only fair. Life can change when you least expect it 11 yrs of my life g in the blink of an eye so I ask myself where do I go from here ? It's going to be a tough journey ahead as I have a lot of decisions to make and life is never going to be the same the thought of being alone scares me the thought of being a single parent scares me too but I have to be strong and roll with the punches b/c this is just the beginning of many scenarios like hearings signing of papers etc and trying to stay on top everything without going nonuts so a lot of financial cut backs as well b/c I'm going to have to get used to living off what I earn which isn't much and the high cost of living of nyc doesn't help this at all but its something that I'm going to have to get used to the only good thing I have to look forward is when my mother moves back to nyc there isn't a better time that I need here than now. My only priority is my son right now and that will never change divorce or not but I know that I will be alone for a while and I doubt I will ever get married again this whole experience has left me with a bad taste in my mouth and it just set my standards higher so it pretty much means its all about me and my son for a long time for another man to win my heart he would have to be pretty special as I don't trust or open up easily to men. A new chapter is about to begin

one week down another left

It's Saturday and I can't believe it's been a whole week since I got here on the 8th how time flies by so fast well vacations are never long enough in my opinion.  Since I've gotten here I've been just lounging relaxing spending time with my mother, she's enjoying her grandson and sees and acknowledges what a handful he really is! LOL. I've actually gotten a mini vacation from the internet since I didn't bring my laptop with me this time but relaxation has been my top priority.  Today we did a mini lunch and celebration for my cousins birthday and mine will be next week.  It was nice to see family I don't get to see often.  It will be hard to leave when the time comes but I know by October or when ever it is she will be back in NYC again.  I really wish things could've worked out here b/c this is a welcome break from the fast pace of NYC.  The nice paved roads and highways, the beautiful trees, wildlife and shops.  I've been trying to keep track of my diet since I've been here since we all can go off routine while on vacation but I've been a little bad with it I've done worse.  Did a weigh in at the local supermarket no weight gain so that's good.  The pool is great and I hope to go to big recreation ctr before I go but we'll see.  Today he called but spoke only to jr not me kind of took offense to that but I'm not sweating it I thought of what the therapist said to me not to let anything or anyone get to me and so far it's worked.  Well jr is here and about to "type" on the keyboard so I will end it here.  Looking forward to enjoying the second half of my vacation. 

Sesame Street: Bert and Ernie 'Do Not Have a Sexual Orientation'

Sesame Street: Bert and Ernie 'Do Not Have a Sexual Orientation'

It never ceases to amaze me the ridiculous things we hear in the news these days.  Some people need to seriously get a life.  Sexualizing Sesame Street creatures that have been in on television for 40+ yrs. that have brought smiles and joy to children is something that really boggles my mind.  I've never stopped to think about this ever I loved watching Sesame Street as a child and even as an adult this never crossed my mind.  What is it with people these days it seems like everyone has reverted back to jr high days.  Now with the legalization of same sex marriage and please don't take as if I'm against that but everything has a time and a place and I don't think it's with children's cartoons it seems like these idiots want to create a relationship between cartoon characters that's simply not there and get a survey going on voting for them to get married.  I think we've lost the innoncence in cartoons and in things overall these days.  I think the children's television workshop who are behind Sesame Street needed to come down hard on the idiot behind this crusade.  Children need to be children and issues like this need to be addressed age appropriate.  Get some therapy and your priorities in order SMH. 

arrived in the sunshine state

I'm happy I finally arrived and I'm on vacation so many things and preparations leading up to this trip Sunday was busy packing housework and last minute cleaning I was exhausted Sunday only to wake up yesterday to do last minute packing of snacks and last minute purchases since everything at the airport is ridiculously overpriced I priced a nestled pure life sports bottle @ $2.19 we get to the airport and the check in lines are moving slow which adds to my stress thinking I will miss my flight than going through tsa lines was actually uneventful but once past the gate and not too much cheap options for lunch I heard the first boarding call so we ran to our gate and boarded and once seated Jr began to cry I guess he was scared of the plane but he calmed down eventually I took out snacks and juice boxes it was a challenge keeping him occupied and I think the kid in front of him was annoyed by him wanting to keep opening and closing tray I noticed father offered to change seats but ppl tend to forget that its hard to keep a toddler occupied once they gave out snacks he devoured the bag of mini chocolate chip cookies and I sampled a new snack called popcorn chips they taste like popcorn in a chip will look for the bigger bag :). I sort of wish spongebob would've been on he probably could've stood still longer but I was happy for safe flight and smooth landing. It's a breeze to navigate jax airport compared to jfk and I was happy to see my mother aunt and uncle the weather was very hot and humid but to be expected for August and this trip is bitter sweet as he is not with us this time and that's sad before we left he said goodbye to jr and I saw his eyes water and a part of me felt bad but it was his choice not to be a part of this trip which I think was made based on anger which is why it's not good to make choices when we are very angry and I hope that if things get better he will be a part of other trips but overall I'm glad to finally be here and on vacation I fell asleep fast as trips take a lot out of you I got up this am and sat out in the sun watching the ducks in the lake its a welcome break from city life and I look forward to enjoying it it feels good to relax and do nothing for a change

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last day of work

Yesterday was a pretty quiet day at work and the weather seems to be heating up again I felt it yesterday during my walk to McDonald's the walk to Greenwich st and back is Cardio in itself I wanted a burger hadn't one in a while but then I start reading calories and get chicken again. Seems like that's all I do these days is read calorie content before I eat anything. I lose 3 more lbs which is a good thing and if I stay on track keep drinking water along with everything else more should come off. I cleaned up my desk and prepared for my time away and my boss wished me a safe flight and I said gnite to all and it felt good to punch out and be on official vacation mode so now this where the chaos starts I came home and saw the condition of this place it was a freaking mess. Dishes in sink for a few days trash that was begging to be taken out all the side effects of a hectic weekly schedule and add therapy sesssions plus dealing with a 2 yr old don't leave much time for housework. Things are getting expensive I went to order a pizza and pizza hut wanted $16 for a large pepperoni lovers the actual cost was $13 but they raised their delivery charge to $2.50 which is ridiculous imo so I ordered papa johns instead and forget wings $7.49 so now my rule is no promos no take out. They only have $10 pizza if u carry out which of course they know most won't take that option. I tried to clean up the mess Jr did on the floor of juice and food gave him a bath and he fell asleep and I fell out myself but I got up and watched a little tv and went back to bed. This am was tackling dishes mopping and cleaning the bathroom and spongebob overload and the fun part will be packing and making a list of things to get at the store. I usually like to brings things exclusively from NY when I go down to fl but since I'm flying can't bring a lot. Today I took the plunge and put a defrizzer treatment in my hair so that it doesn't puff up so much and I was nervous but it looks good only bad part is my hair smells like rotten eggs not even gel hides the smell ah the.things we do for beauty but it relaxed the curl and I'm able to wear my hair down which is good. As soon as Monday comes I'm drenching it in shampoo to get rid of smell hope no one gets to close to me if I go outside. 2 days left and Monday afternoon I will be in Florida feels like this time was never going to come but I'm looking fwd to it.

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vacation countdown

Today is Thursday and there is 4 days left in my countdown to vacation.  The past few days the weather has been in the 80's even though it can get a little humid at night it's a welcome relief from the horrible heat wave.   I feel tired and I look forward to getting a break.  Yesterday was our second counseling session and I felt more relaxed and we did some communication exercises but I feel as she really doesn't give us the chance to express the way we normally would.  She says she'd like to meet with us individually then after those mtgs we'd meet together again as a group.  I think she kind of took his side yesterday which pissed me off b/c she really doesn't have enough back ground on us yet to really understand why I react to certain things the way I do.  I know it's only the second session as she says there are times where I or both of us will feel like it's not helping or have feeling toward her.  I'm going to give it some more time but I'm not afraid to change therapists I've done it before.  Not everyone therapist and their approach is the right fit for everyone. I guess when the time comes to the individual mtgs I will be able to explain the situation a lot better.   So far I've been keeping track of what I eat with the fitness pal calorie counter and wow is it hard but these past two days I've been good and staying in track with the daily count.  I finally finished all of my mail at the office which is good b/c I finally have free time to do other things.  Tomorrow will my last day of work and I have a few last minute things to get for the trip and I'm just praying that we have a safe flight and jr doesn't drive me bananas on the plane so I will make sure I have plenty of things to keep him occupied hoping that on that free tv they provide they have spongebob or something lol.  I look forward to my time off as I need to get away from the city for a while it will be nice to see everyone and I'm hoping that for drama free even though when dealing with family it never is.   I will try to get to the gym at lunch today provided they have a good class or enough treadmills. 

long day

Today was off to a good start he dropped off Jr and I caught the early train in was able to get some breakfast and stop at store and still make it to work on time. Yesterday and today was back to back zumba today I went to another location and the class was just as good didn't feel overexerted so I stood for next class but I just wasn't feeling the instructor so I left early it was too fast and using that step can be hard on your feet and since I still have weight to lose I think I need to save step until I've dropped more lbs less stress on my feet since they're sore now and I don't want to injure my ankle again. We also got a visit from someone who used to work with us and she made us laugh so hard my water went down the wrong pipe she made a comment about someone needing a **** lol hey I agree 100% some ppl are miserable and want to bring everyone down with them not good you'd be suprised what a steady supply of d* can do for a person I think they'd be less uptight but not sure about the bitch factor being resolved. On another note he updated my calorie counter and I have to get back on track with my eating b/c I've been bad and I haven't lost or gained so now I'm on 1400+ calories a day today I went over next time no hashbrown my goal weight is 140 but my range is 130-140 so I've got to be stricter with what I eat and cut out the sweets which are my biggest weakness. We shall I see if I'm able to stay on track. Now since its one less person work is piling up so less time to blog and more focus on wk now don't.want to.give no one anything to talk about since ppl seem to be focused on what we don't do than what is done and done well. Tomorrow is hump day and our second counseling session I hope to cover more and go over the list I made plus write down more tomorrow it seems like its helping but we have a long way to go as this is a process trying to stay optimistic Everyone likes the new style but I need to dye it its gotten too light I prefer the darker look still trying to get used to having shorter hair its more wk having to use a ton of mousse just so it doesn't poof out I think tomorrow is ponytail day well its way past my time to be awake off to get rest to face another day tomorrow

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