the beginning of.the end

Since I've been on vacation I've been able to relax and get away from the city rat race work and.appointments I feel more relaxed and nice surroundings help a lot but I got some news I wasn't expecting over the weekend Mr x called me and.asked if we.could "talk" and asked if I can go somewhere private little did I know how this conversation would progress b/c I figured we had agreed to.go to marriage counseling to sort out the issues but as the talking progressed he told me it was over my marriage is officially over and I find this out while I'm hundreds of miles away on vacation I was told there is no "right" time for this but not to wait till I return to NY or after my birthday which is today to give me such news just tells me that ppl really don't care I guess when a break up is mutual and there are no feelings left it makes things easier but I'm not the one who wanted to end things and much to my disappointment I guess my efforts to seek counseling were in vain which hurts me even more we only went to two sessions and he still wants to go so we can able to co parent our child. I've shed a lot of tears and feel like a failure ppl tell me I shouldn't but I do like a lot of ppl out there when I got married I thought it would be forever and while we had rough patches I never imagined I'd be at this point now I was told that we are avoiding the inevitable and as I've had time to analyze that remark maybe its true maybe some things are beyond repair but I figure this would be something I'd hear after months of counseling but not two visits which makes me think either a person already has their mind made up or there are other alterior motives behind this and I've had my suspicions for a while but no concrete proof of this even though he denies it I wouldn't be surprised if it came out down the line b/c everything comes to the light eventually. I went on fb yesterday to wish a friend a happy bday only to find myself deleted which is no surprise to me. I go into my account to find out he used my debit card w/o me knowing and the total was over $100 and that infuriated me b/c if I'm not good enogh to be your wife my money isn't either. I told him. off by text msg and while many consider it hiding through technology its easier than gettinkg into a volatile phone conversation. I told him he was going to pay me for every transaction posted which I feel is only fair. Life can change when you least expect it 11 yrs of my life g in the blink of an eye so I ask myself where do I go from here ? It's going to be a tough journey ahead as I have a lot of decisions to make and life is never going to be the same the thought of being alone scares me the thought of being a single parent scares me too but I have to be strong and roll with the punches b/c this is just the beginning of many scenarios like hearings signing of papers etc and trying to stay on top everything without going nonuts so a lot of financial cut backs as well b/c I'm going to have to get used to living off what I earn which isn't much and the high cost of living of nyc doesn't help this at all but its something that I'm going to have to get used to the only good thing I have to look forward is when my mother moves back to nyc there isn't a better time that I need here than now. My only priority is my son right now and that will never change divorce or not but I know that I will be alone for a while and I doubt I will ever get married again this whole experience has left me with a bad taste in my mouth and it just set my standards higher so it pretty much means its all about me and my son for a long time for another man to win my heart he would have to be pretty special as I don't trust or open up easily to men. A new chapter is about to begin