to each is own

It's been one heck of a week I thought Friday was never going to come. I hate when things are slow at work b/c it makes the work day drag. It's weird b/c when you're at home time flies by so fast but 4:00 always takes forever and a day to come at work. I was late to work today thanks to the my favorite city agency the MTA 10 minutes to be exact and to top it off I get to work to hear meaningless freaking chatter in the office. I mean some people are so freaking stupid I think they like to just hear themselves talk. One of them starts talking about how all of the food is altered and how meat is killing us etc. etc. I was like shut up please! all of that high priced so called organic stuff sometimes isn't really organic while I know people are entitled to have their opinions and their lifestyles I don't agree with being a vegetarian or vegan. One I love meat too much and not necessarily red meat I like chicken and pork and I feel that if you eat everything in moderation and avoid junk you should be okay unless you have underlying health issues that require you to follow a special diet. I don't see the point in restricting myself from things I like and how much protein can you get from beans, legumes, tofu, etc. and what about dinner who the hell wants to eat beans, rice, and all of that stuff for dinner every single day but to each is own let us eat the way we want to eat and you eat what you want. Then they start talking about how someone is never on time for mass and there I'm thinking again shut up! At least a person is making an effort to go to church, I find that the one that are the most holier than thou are the biggest hypocrites and live in a well built glass house. I don't go to church much but I know that I'm a good person, like to help others when I can and I have compassion for other people and I try not to judge people even though I'm human and sometimes we all fall short of the mark. I've learned that everyone will always have an opinion about things you do regardless of how much effort you put, spent, tried to make it right b/c that's human nature I try not to care about what other people think about me but a very small part of us does notice how I say very small. I'm glad that we're getting a short break from this heat wave but I'm sure the weather will find it's way back up there again. I cant believe tomorrow is August 1st where has the year gone. Next month is my bday I can't believe how old i'm going I'll be 21 again lol I so wish I was 21 again I would do so many things differently if I was. Lately I just feel very bored with work I know i've been feeling like that for a while but with the economy being so bad I'm really afraid to start looking for anything else but I think a person knows when it's time to move on and I know that time has come for me. I'm just trying to do it right. I just feel like I can be doing something more challenging and there a lot of stuff that goes on here that I don't like and honestly if I wanted a higher administrative opportunity due to the bs and office politics I would never get it so why stick around b/c of the economy and my son. This weekend I plan to clean the house of course but I also plan to relax and take it easy for once. Wednesday is the big day for the baby's surgery I'm praying everything will go well but i'm glad my husband will be home this week so I can at least get an extra hour of sleep in the mornings and hope that I will get to work on time for a change. Well it's 9:30 and I'm ready for a pepsi, some tv a shower and to crash into bed.

an okay monday

This weekend like most was pretty busy cleaning, paying bills, going grocery shopping a task that I despise. I have to say that they had some pretty good sales at the supermarket which is good b/c everything is so expensive these days. Today wasn't a bad Monday I usually have a case of the "mondays" every monday but an extra hour of sleep really helped me get going. I got to work on time another plus. I brought my lunch and stood in today there are days where I really don't feel like dealing with the crowds and lines at lunch time. I have to say it's been one hell of a summer weather wise, it seems like we're not getting a break from this heat and my con ed bill was outrageous this month but if we don't use the a/c you can't sleep comfortable and a fan after a while doesn't do a darn thing but blow hot air. Today after I work I wanted to get a few things at the drug store and that turned out to be a painfully annoying experience. I went to two stores looking for a body powder puff and some styling gel after not striking luck at two pharmacies I made the mistake of going into rite aid. I figure the lines are always long so thought nothing of it I went to find my items and time for me to pay what do you know there's some freaking f*tard holding up the line and you can tell the cashier and mgr want to choke her heck I and everyone else on line did too. She kept insisting that they owed her coupons, etc. I was standing on line slowing boiling b/c i'm tired from working, commute I just want to get my stuff and gtfo on home. Finally the kook leaves and it's my turn the cashier has an attitude and asks if I had discount card I didn't have it and while I understand she was majorly annoyed by that tard it's not my fault and she said you need to bring your card but with an attitude I was already aggravated and I was going to tell her off but I counted slowly and didn't and just said thank you and I left. I ask myself wtf is wrong with people, learn how to read and how to count and for the sake of everyone else's sanity if you don't know how to do both or are an annoying nickle and diming cheap skate STAY HOME between the hours of 3-6 pm and come out while the rest of us are at school, work, and come to rite aid or any other establishment and annoy the staff then. I know it sounds pretty messed what I'm saying but cmon! read the signs and the flyers! I know I always do. If i'm wrong and I make a mistake then I put it back I don't hold up a line for 10 minutes and fight with the workers. Except for that tardisode I had a pretty okay day for a Monday. It's been kind of slow at work so there are days where I just feel very bored and unmotivated well I looked inside my drawers today and I couldn't believe what a freaking mess they were I just took everything out and start shredding left and right. I can now find things in my drawer and I ask myself why do people hold on to junk? It felt so liberating to shred and get rid of all that unnecessary crap. I now I have to conquer the left side of my cabinet tomorrow I figure if and when they do lay off or give us a last day my drawers will be cleaned out and I would turn have to turn in the key. If I only had a monster shredder like that at home but of course that's a commercial one and would cost a fortune but I'm going to save up to get a big one b/c they just make cleaning up so much easier. Today my son went to the ENT dr, the ambulatory center, and his pediatrician for pre-surgical stuff. As the date of surgery gets closer I'm nervous about it but I've resigned myself to the fact that it has to be done. He's getting big at his visit he weighed 26 lbs and is now 38 inches tall. I know that day will be here before you know it but I can't wait till it's all over. Well it's past 10 time for me to shower and get ready for bed another early start tomorrow I can pray that the weather isn't as hot as it's been and to get to work on time again but being at the mercy of the mta that doesn't always happen.

more uncertainity and vagueness

These past several weeks the weather has been very hot and after a while the heat can wear you down making you feel tired, lazy, and without motivation or energy. I've also been feeling on edge and aggravated lately it seems like things just seem to get harder, more challenging and sometimes when you listen to the news that alone is like a never ending rant of negativity. Ever since the new budget cuts have gone into effect with the MTA my commute to and from work especially to work has become a nightmare. I'm late to work almost every single day. If it's not the bus that's late it's the train that takes forever to move, etc. etc. it's like a daily obstacle course and after a while that plus the bs at work, going back and forth to the sitter, etc. it just becomes too much to deal with at times, then to top it off they're going to shut down my train and one of the connecting starting next week and I was like FML what else can go wrong? Then I hear from someone at work that she has to go to another mtg soon that there's going to be another round of lay offs coming soon and of course that worries me even more b/c I was spared from the dec 09 group and some in May yesterday there was a union meeting that we went to and I couldn't believe that there was a heavy downpour coming down we all got wet I was pissed off b/c I had open shoes on and I thought to myself why the heck did I even bother coming outside? We were told they'd have important information so I figure we'd get some specific answers, etc. and while the people were nice and all I left leaving there with the same uncertainty and vagueness I feel now WHEN is it going to happen? So I as well as the others continue to go to work everyday and be in limbo until we either get a letter from the main hr office or a pink slip. I'm just so sick of it lately I ask myself can things get any worse? Am I going to come into work one day and be told today is my last day or this date will be your last? It sucks b/c how does a person properly prepare for it? Another thing that is on my mind is our son's upcoming surgery at the beginning of next month. I'm hoping and praying that everything goes well and that he will never have to have the procedure done again. On the other hand I tell the babysitter this and she expected to be paid for the whole week even though my son is going to be there only 2 days and I couldn't believe it she didn't even show concern for the fact that he's going to be out b/c of surgery and I thought what a greedy bitch! I have to say that and a few other things haven't left me with the best taste in my mouth but the only reason I keep him here is b/c her rate is good and my son is happy with the other kids. When it all comes to down to it it's all about the money with most people. I'm also concerned about my own health because I haven't gotten my period yet and while I know i'm not pregnant it bothers me and I called the dr office to obtain the results of my blood wk to no avail no call back yet. I call to try and see a gyn dr through their clinic I was told I have to wait until the end of August! Are they for real? How are you only going to have one dr who takes a two month vacation and no replacements? It's the wave of incompetence that rears it ugly head again. After coming back to work after that meeting I thought yesterday was a true waste of my time and on top of that the strap of my shoes breaks and I don't have an extra pair. I decided last night that I needed to take a mental health day off from work and the daily bs. I was able to sleep in and chill out but time always stands still at work but flies by when you're at home. I wish I could take another day tomorrow but I have to go to work. I look around on the internet for other jobs and I can't believe how bad the job market is and while I bitch and moan a lot about my job I guess it's better than no job at all but there are times where I feel i'm on the brink of burn out, exhaustion, etc. and I know I have to learn how to relax and calm down and not get so angry at times but sometimes people just really push your buttons sometimes. For now I have to continue to deal with the uncertainty keep going to work everyday until I'm told otherwise. Another thing that really made me laugh is we were told to take all the civil service exams we can, okay now at $30 a test who can really afford that if they get laid off? I've taken 4 exams passed them with good marks and I still don't have a reachable number and even the union guy himself said its all about what mgmt or whoever wants to do for you so I guess no one wants to do a darn thing for us. I saw the list and see that the test for my job title will be given march 2011 why next yr why not now when people really need it? Who knows what will happen by then? I haven't decided if I'm even going to bother or not. This year we have enjoyed the summer more we've gone to the park pool and beach quite a few times this year and we figure why stay stuck in the house when we can enjoy the pool and cool off there for a few hours and relax. I'm just tired of this heat it seems like this summer has been as intense as the winter we had this year. I really wish it would cool down at least a little and when it rains it usually cools down the weather not the past few times it has rained here humidity is very uncomfortable. Well I think I've ranted long enough I might as well continue to enjoy my day off as I don't get to have one very often.

rant 2

Lately i've been feeling really tired, aggravated and short tempered and I've been very forgetful I ask myself a lot where is your mind? It seems like I forget everything if I don't write it down or do it the night before. I have to be more organized and this heat doesn't help my mood I tend to get in a bad mood when it's hot. This past weekend was the same routine clean the house, then go to the store and when I arrived at Walmart it was very crowded and on top of that they're doing a ton of renovations and they only have ONE bathroom open inside the store and van of porto pottys outside behind the store in the garden area and i'm wtf I wasn't feeling well and I needed to get to the bathroom and it seem like a never ending adventure just to find a rest room only to use it and see some guy coming in after I left to wash my hands to tell me I was in the men's bathroom i'm like uh no it's both men and women. I can't believe that this store would be so stupid not to have separate facilities for men and women what if I came out and he was at the urinal! gtfo! so of course I now have to find another Walmart to shop at until this one gets fully remodeled or I just like the next one better and never go back. Today I call a park to get info about the pool and this women hangs up on me in mid sentence and I couldn't believe how rude and unprofessional I swallowed hard lucky for her I was at my desk at work b/c had I been home I would've called back and cursed her out. I sit and think sometimes and wonder how some ppl get their jobs b/c they're are some the stupidest, rudest, and any other verb that comes to mind. These past few days at work it's been pretty slow not a good things b/c the day drags forever and let's be for real you can only pretend to look busy for so long. Recently I heard from a friend and we spoke for a while and it kind of made me realize that while I may have problems there are people out there who have a lot worse problems than me and I have to be thankful for what I do have. I feel bad for him b/c I know he's going through a lot and he's trying to get things together but life just has a way of slapping you in the face with an even more bigger pile of shit to sort through which I've experienced myself and continue to experience. Sometimes there are days where I know exactly what I want to do next and some where I don't know and it's frustrating to me it's almost like I'm afraid to apply for other jobs b/c maybe deep down inside I'm used to working for the City and the perks it has but on the other hand I want to try something new as someone mentioned to me there is bs in every job and yes that's very true but when you dread going to work everyday it's time to move on b/c how long am I going to wait for a number off a list or a hiring pool to come up? Tomorrow is finally Friday and by the time it comes I'm usually exhausted and can't wait to go home but at least tomorrow I get to sleep in an extra hour which is great for me b/c every bit helps. The baby goes to his follow appointment at the ENT and we'll see what comes out of this visit if he says the same thing we're going for a second opinion b/c I want to make sure this is medically necessary and not some schmuck just trying to make a quick buck from the insurance company at our son's expense. This weekend we're going to the park and pool provided the weather cooperates b/c there's no way I can continue the same routine come home get up the next day to just clean run errands and come home there has to be some time for recreation rest and a break so I'm praying that the weather cooperates. I'm still considering the relocation as a long term goal down the road I get really tired of the fast pace, expensive cost of living, etc. a lot of times and my commute to work is going to get more annoying as they're canceling a whole train line the V and totally screwing up my train M which of course is going to add more stress and aggravation not only to me but millions of others who live in this area of brooklyn and queens I think had I known this crap was going to happen I probably wouldn't have moved into this area. All of this thanks to budget cuts thanks to the MTA how I can't stand them every time I hear that slogan "going your way" I said oh stfu! if that were true tons of people wouldn't be inconvenienced and I wouldn't have to take 2 trains to work. I have no idea why they even bothered to have public hearings, etc. if they were going to do whatever they wanted anyway. I sure hope we get a break from this heat soon b/c it makes you feel so lazy tired and it seems like nothing you do keeps you cool. Well this is the end to my daily rant I'm going to cool off by taking a nice cool shower watching some tv and blast my ac hope tomorrow the day will go fast.

daily rant

This weekend was pretty boring as was the previous. The usual cleaning the house, and dealing with the baby which honestly can be very physically and emotionally exhausting. I wish I had a weekend all to myself where I can sleep late and just relax but those days are long gone now that I have a child and my husband works on the weekends. I notice how important it is for us to have a break and get rest b/c if you don't you will start to feel it. I was pretty tired last night and I fell asleep pretty early but the baby winded up waking up in the middle of the night so there went my sleep and trying to get him back to sleep which my husband did. I fall back asleep and just when I'm getting into it boom another cry and it's 5am and I like damn I have to get up, do I have to get up? I get up bring him into the livingrm, turn on the cartoons, give him his little snacks and some milk and I jump in the shower to try and wake up. I felt like a freaking zombie I do most morning but especially Monday mornings it's my least favorite day of the week. Then after I'm dressed I get to the fun task of trying to get a toddler dressed and out the door for our daily trek to the babysitter and sometimes I ask myself why the f* am I doing this? Why do I go through this s* on a daily basis? I'm sure a lot of mothers ask themselves that question a lot sometimes I wonder is the paycheck worth all of this crap? I've given it much thought and honestly I say no but I guess that depends on who you talk to. I honestly think i'd be a better mother if I stood home I wouldn't be tired all of the time, short tempered, etc. it's not easy and while I know some financial obligations don't allow for some to stay home I sure wish there were more part-time opportunities out there. Babysitting don't get me started on that, that alone is another issue and cost. Lately i've just been getting so tired of the bs at work. It seems like i'm the only doing the work let me rephrase that I know I am. I can't believe how clueless these people are in mgmt that they can't see that this individual just comes in does minimal bs work and gets paid to take up space, boy I wish I had such a sweet deal. Well honestly i'm getting tired of it, tired of working hard, doing a quality job and it seems like i'm not appreciated, I see all of the favoritism and office politics and its really starting to work my nerves if I didn't have financial obligations and I had a better amount of savings I would say screw this and leave but I have a child to think about so I hang in there but with the current economic crisis and the state budget in crisis I'm considering other opportunities b/c the budget is 2 months late and they had better not think anyone would be working for free simply b/c Albany can't get their shit together. Another rant is the MTA oh how I cant stand them! I've always said it and I will reiterate it for the millionth time, they are one of the most mismanaged greediest sneakiest agency in the state. I just realized today as I was coming home from work that my train line is going to change due to budget crisis no more brown M changing to orange meaning two lines are going to be condensed which is going to be a commuter's nightmare a.k.a one big cluster fuck crowds and all thanks to their incompetence slashing budgets, token clerks and yet their getting a freaking raise really wtf with what money? So now I and many others who live in this area june 27 will have a much more annoying commute to work, thanks so much MTA for the consideration of our concerns, commutes, wallets, and the public hearings which people attended in which you pretended to give a crap about the commuters which we all know you don't give a shit b/c you still passed all of the cuts and will probably pass more and have the nerve to raise the fare on us to pay for what more increases? pay more to get less seems to be the motto these days. Seems like everything is going up but your paycheck even though the economy sucks I see prices going up a few cents here and there bottles looking smaller and I'm thinking this is crazy but it's not going to get any better another reason why I'm considering relocation do I really want to be bothered with all of this stress and crap? I know I must be smart about the relocation thing and not be hasty but I'm still considering it. I know life isn't perfect but I know I can do better than where I am now. I worked my ass off today and will probably do it again tomorrow but I say people always appreciate things when they're gone and that's what's going to happen in this case. I'm just going to spring it on them that I'm leaving one of these days. I've come to a crossroads in my life where I feel i've done what I can do here time to move on to a new chapter. with that said ends my daily rant as I'm going to try and relax before I go to bed to repeat the same routine all over again.

fb deactivation, etc.

I finally took the step and I deactivated my facebook page. I think it's too much of a distraction for a lot of people and I think that people act like real idiots on social networking sites they kind of take the fun out of it and I also think that people use the internet as a release from reality and they lose their inhibitions b/c they are behind a computer screen. I've seen all kinds of games on here and most recently I noticed a certain individual on my page who seems to have time to acknowledge and post comments on everyone's wall but mine yet we're supposed to be friends I'm thinking to myself wtf is this aren't we supposed to be friends? I can see not everyone responds to every single posting but not one, I said you know f* this I'm tired of people's bs and games I just felt like deleting them altogether but I know there would be issues if I did that so I decided to hide their feeds out of site out of mind. I've realized that a friendship is a two way street and it has to nurtured both ways and I'm not going to continue to chase people. Sometimes in a way I think it's better to leave certain people in the past. I'm trying to figure what my next step is as far as finding a new job, trying to get my health and life together. It's getting to the point that I dread getting up and going to wk everyday it's time to move on i'm just tired of all the bs, the office politics, etc. I went to the dr today and another wave of incompetence 2 freaking hours in the office if it wasn't for the fact that I stopped one of the medical assistants and asked when I was seeing the dr I'd still be rotting in the waiting room wtf is the point of appointments then? I have to say that many of the staff members who work at this place are very ghetto very unprofessional and rude even the RN's I wonder who hires them and how they remain employed. I have to get a series of blood work done, see a specialist about my foot and I looked into seeing a therapist. It will take some time but things will start to look up hopefully I figure things can't get any worse. Tomorrow is finally Friday and I'm glad the weekend is coming maybe I will finally get some rest for a change instead of running around trying to do a bunch of crap that I don't get to do during the week, let's hope.

what's the next step

It's been a while since I've blogged and during this time we went on our much needed vacation to Florida. We did a lot and had a great time I sure did not want to come back to NY. It was very sad to leave my mother behind etc. It's going to be one week tomorrow that we've returned back from our vacation and I still really haven't adjusted to my daily routine here. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I find myself coming up with same question where do I go from here? I feel like I want to make a change actually better said I feel like I need to make a change. I loved being over there in florida, the slower pace, the beautiful scenery, the beautiful apartments if you paid $1,000+ over there for an apartment it's a palace not a hall closet or a run down piece of crap that you have to do everything to. I tell myself that there are pros and cons to every situation the biggest con is that I don't drive. I used to drive was never really good at it maybe b/c at the time no one really took the time to teach me how or having the accident was so traumatic for me that I haven't been behind a wheel since. I really don't need to drive here but somewhere is a different story. Another thing is jobs, the economy is bad, you don't earn the same money as here but I guess the lifestyle is a trade off. Lately I've just been feeling that I can be doing better and that we can be living a better life. Today I felt like crap I felt so exhausted and I pryed myself out of bed into the shower and out the front door to the sitter off to the bus and off to work only to feel worse say F# it and leave wk early. I think i'm going to start doing my research and see how to make it happen b/c I'm kind of sick of NY already.