tensions of life

It's Monday morning and another weekend has ended and by some miracle I arrived on time to work I think they finally got the message that the bus need to run on schedule after several nasty emails sent to them.  Yesterday was my least favorite task grocery shopping and going to a few other places.  I'm enjoying my last week of freedom in my house b/c my place will not be my own for a while and I'm not happy about that at all.  Lately there's been a lot of tension at home and I think we need to go to counseling b/c things are just going to get worse.  Yesterday we got into a heated conversation about our relationship, his family, etc. and I feel as if I'm talking to a brick wall sometimes.  It is very frustrating when you're trying to get someone to understand something and they just don't get it.   My husband's problem is that he is a people pleaser and doesn't realize how well they manipulate him.  He fails to realize that the one person that he has to worry about is me and his son.  While that may sound selfish to many people i'm sure many people don't deal with what I've dealt with over the years.  There's no way most people would put up with the bs, the disrespect I have and if I could turn back the hands of time I wouldn't have stuck around for it.  I have people like his sil and brother and his friend who don't greet me in social situations or I've gotten looks from people no where in the world most people would put up with that bs yet I have someone beside me who fails to see this and correct it.  He forgives everyone and says I'm bitter I'm far from perfect and have my issues to deal with but I don't think what I'm asking for is unreasonable.  To be given my place and respect as his partner and zero tolerance for this type of immature ghettofied bs.  If the situation were on the other foot, there is no way I'd tolerate that crap from anyone in regards to him.  Besides the usual problems most couples have is money, child rearing, etc.  I am now confronted with the fact that this individual is coming to stay in our home and I'm not liking the idea one bit b/c I know how living with other people can backfire very quickly and it is the same reason why they're in a bad situation where they're at now.  You can't live in another person's home and try to dictate to those people what goes on in their home and you have to respect their home and that person's spouse even if you may not agree or like them b/c in all essence they are doing you a favor by letting you stay there and this is what he fails to realize.  Another reason I get angry the over used word "my" my house my son, excuse me??? this is also my house, our child.  I just am angered at the fact that this is all going on without my input or consultation and I live here!  I'm a firm believer that marriages need to live alone and where there's been past tensions it's not a good idea to live together under the same roof.   It's very hard to be optimistic about a situation where I know isn't going to be an easy one and I know there will be bumps in the road.  The thought of me just picking up and leaving has crossed my mind several times and I ask myself is this worth it? I get tired of the arguing, the stress, the headaches, the occassional tears and I realize I have a son and it's just not that cut and dry even thought I wish it was.   A son who needs his parents and we're trying to get him the help he needs but at no means does this mean I'm going to stay in a situation that is just not working.  It's scary thinking of my self as a single parent and sole provider considering the cost of living in NYC and how hard it is it's hard for me now and I'm not a single parent.  I also would feel like a failure most marriages these days end in divorce that's a scary but very real statistic. People just don't stay together anymore b/c society has changed and now women also realize that they have options that they didn't have before and plenty of other fish in the sea too.  In my case if I were ever to get divorced I'd doubt it very much I would remarry again or get into another serious relationship I'm not one to hop from relationship to relationship and it's very hard for me to trust people I'm not one of these women who can't be without a man or will be with any man just to have a piece of **** around.  I'm more concerned about my child and being a good moral example and changing men like some people change socks and having your apartment being a revolving door sure isn't a way to be one around any child but especially a male child.  These are very scary thoughts but through all of the stress I've thought of all of these scenarios.  Many things in life can get overrated very fast work is overated and underpaying,  life is overrated and stressful but beautiful if one knows how to live it and choose people who bring out the beauty of it and not the ugliness.  I've also felt how one can feel alone and yet they're not and it's a pretty fucked up feeling.  I feel as if I have to get ugly with people and tell them off and fight for my place and why should this even have to be if I'm supposed to have a lifetime cheerleader and partner in the corner.  There are times when life really does blow and if I hear that saying "when life gives you lemons make lemonade" one more time I will go off the deep end sometimes it's just not that simple.  So many things get in the way if people saw that life isn't black/white there's a lot of gray areas too things would be a lot easier.  Let's just say the lemonade has been very sour these past few weeks and being an optimist about this isn't easy at all.  I will try to stay positive and find ways to deal with this I will be calling my employee assistance program and see if I can talk to someone b/c while I can talk to friends and this can help tremendously I'd like the opinion of a professional.  He refuses to go at first giving the very lame excuse that only white people go to counseling and I honestly never heard of a more ridiculous statement than that but I can't say I'm surprised due to the fact that the hispanic community doesn't really take well to mental health, psychologists, etc.  but I'm a point in my life where I have reached at a cross roads and while I don't like to be one the to give ultamatums I said you are going  and in my opinion you either go or I sign on the dotted line and get my 19.5%.  It's after 9 and I must begin work, this adventure is to be continued for now.