one month over another begins

It's a sunny Friday morning and I can't believe it's already the end of April.  Seems like time is flying by so fast seems like just yesterday it was Apr 1 but I'm glad for one thing that most of the cold weather is gone and we can start wearing lighter clothing.  Spring weather is the best b/c it's not too hot and not too cold Summer is hot and if you have no a/c forget about it.  I'm still on the search for a spring jacket but it seems like I see everything on line but nothing in the stores.  Sometimes I will order off line and I can't wait for something to come but a jacket isn't one of those things.  I saw some shoes I liked at Easy Spirit and yes you may think old lady shoes but their shoes have evolved and changed a lot I need supportive shoes b/c of my bad ankle that I injured twice and you really do need supportive shoes to walk all of these city blocks for your feet not to bother you so much.  I really want to change my style and dress a little bit more casual most of the time I wear jeans t shirt and my coat now hoody b/c it's warmer.  I'm definitely not high maitenance at all I don't care much about labels or current styles I go by if I like something can be in style and you don't have to necessarily like it or the style may not be right for you, your body type, etc.  Since I'm about to engage on a exercise and health crusade I really don't want to buy too many things b/c I don't know how much or fast I will lose some weight and who wants to be stuck with a whole bunch of clothes you will not use.   I briefly looked at the weight watcher point system online and it seems like it's easy to follow if I can have a body like Jennifer Hudson or any other celebrity endorser I will try following it not religiously but I will do a trial run when and if they put the stuff on sale at the supermarket.  Another thing I'd like to invest in my own exercise weights, while they have some at the gym there's nothing like having your own and you don't have to worry about not having any b/c all of them are taken if you arrive late for a class.  Another thing I will give up this coming month is soda as I've said my previous posting.  It's going to be so hard b/c I love Pepsi but soda is really not good for you and is packed with calories my mother has challenged me to do this so I will give it up for a month and see if I lose anything.  Gaining weight is easy losing it is hard.  I'm not sure if it's the effects of the bad economy or a strained fiscal budget but Administrative Professionals Day came and went and there was nothing here to honor the employees as there had been in previous years and I thought that was totally unfair b/c we all work hard to keep things going here I know I work very hard but as a group we all keep our unit going and not to make tribute to that is really lame in my opinion.  It is the little people who do the work and the management (the mortal enemy of the work force)  sits on their asses in their leather chairs take the credit for the numbers, etc.   Not even a mention about bringing your kids to work day as was done in the past, even though I don't particuarly favor this thing b/c people tend to act like idiots and forget that they're at work and I think overall people tend to lose their head when their kids are around.  While it's a great thing to show kids it also like everything else has it's drawbacks.  Everyone should get praise for a job well done even in a struggling economy but to hear nothing it makes me feel like what I do or what any of us does means nothing or that we're that replaceable.  I was put in an akward situation to give soemthing to a worker that had stopped speaking with me that I've mentioned on previous blogs and the lines of communication are open but very limited I'm sure that will change eventually maybe not but I've learned a hard lesson keep your mouth shut and while you may think you're trying to put some on or help them not everyone interprets things like this.  While I know I wouldn't have reacted to a comment like that that's me as time passes I wanted to kick my own ass for not knowing better b/c most of the time I do keep my mouth shut but no one is perfect.  Maybe limited is best at work.  Mother's Day my mother's birthday and my grandfather's birthday are all around the corner.  I have no idea of what to get my mother for both occasions and I sure wish I could see her for mother's day but funds and accumulated time are low so I guess I will have to wait for the summer or when I have more time in the bank. *sigh*  It's already in the 90's in Florida I can't say I'm surprised but it's different over there you have central a/c and community pools and parks in abundance.  I look forward to going to soak up the florida sun and get a break from city life but I think this time I want to do some exploring in Orlando we'll see what this summer brings.  I was looking at El Museo Del Barrio in Harlem and I'm so anxious to visit it as it's the only museum dedicated to Puerto Rican and Latino heritage.  I briefly browsed their web site and they have very nice exhibits but I want to get more in touch with my roots b/c many times people are so concentrated on assimilation that they forget who they are in the process.  I was born here in NYC and I only made one trip to PR as a small child that I don't remember b/c I was so little.  My parents never took us back or I never had exposure to my other side of the family which was more traditional and ethnic.  My only connection is to my mother's side of the family and my grandparents who told us about the island and their experiences growing up there and coming to the NYC in the 50's and of course eating the food , etc.  but that's nothing compared to going seeing and exploring things I think in their minds they wanted a better life so they came here for that but they and many other families neglect to instill the importance of culture and roots, "in order to know where you're going in life you have to know where you come from ".   I'm probably the only one of my cousins who actually speaks and understands Spanish.   While I don't sound like the Rosetta Stone which most tutorials to learn Spanish are based on Castilian Spanish of Spain.  So many countries speak Spanish but we do it in our own way so it can get confusing at times b/c there are so many words for one word based on where we come from.  I notice here in NYC we also use a lot of slang terms in Spanish but it isn't proper speaking and it's looked down on especially from people of the older generation.  I remember once a college professor for Spanish who was from Spain saying that our Spanish wasn't good or correct and mind you the majority of the class were native speakers very interesting.  I think we can all learn from each other I know I've picked up some terms along the way not native to pr spanish but that's a part of living here and being exposed to so many different people and I think that's a great thing we have the diversity.   I'm going to make the time to visit El Museo Del Barrio and make that connection and I will take as many pictures as I can and upload them to share.  Well I've got to get back to work I'm getting my wisdom teeth taken out today and I'm sooo not looking forward to that what a way to spoil a weekend!  but it's either now or never.!

the importance of health

Yesterday was a typical day for me get up shower get ready get Jr ready deal with the annoyance of the mta and I get to work start my day and when I went to take my bathroom break I saw blood and it concerned me I also felt uncomfortable so I decided to leave wk early and go to the dr to get a physical done as I've kept putting it off b/c I hate dr offices and the long waits and I can't afford to take time off I get there early grab a slice and I'm seen on time got basic exam blood and urine samples and I was also told that I had an enlarged thyroid which scares the shit out of me b/c I know that the thyroid is a very important gland in our bodies and thyroid disease can have very adverse effects so I'm hoping that blood work is negative. I also was told to see gastroenterlogist I filled out my life story and then some and waited what seemed like forever I was finally seen examined and have an appt for a procedure to view the lower intestines/colon I was also told I have to lose weight quite a bit and my blood pressure seemed high but this is a wake up call saying that I have to start taking care of myself its my body way of saying its being neglected. I have bad habits esp eating habits many times I'm so tired last thing I want to do is cook and there's always something to do and the stress is another factor. Even though I hate dr office esp incompetent ones who overbook and don't stick to appt times I have to start having better time mgmt and start eating healthier give up soda any juices I have a sweet tooth another stumbling block of mine I need to get healthy not only for myself but for my child. I decided to join a gym and go to classes I will try twice a week and see how that works out.  I went to the dentist today and I was glad to be in and out of there have to have wisdom teeth extracted so I'm just going to be in a real chipper mood this week *sigh* and have bridges put in plus other work.  Even though I hate dr visits I don't mind them so much if something actually gets accomplished.  He gets called for jury duty and unfortunately gets picked for a case and now expects me to start dinner when I get home I hate the kitchen we have a love/hate relationship.  I cook if I have no other choice or low on funds I'm no martha stewart and cooking also takes inspiration too and I have little inspiration when I get through the door the only thing I'm inspired to do is throw myself on the couch and watch tv and change into my lounge pants and a tshirt.  Today I have to stay late which I dread b/c I'm going to run into the 5:00 rush hope I have an uneventful trip home when I first started here I used to work 9 to 5 and it seemed like the day just drags on and I also hated the crowds so I changed from 8 to 4 much better day goes by pretty fast and I'm home at a reasonable time provided the mta cooperates with it's service.   I was thinking of trying the weight watchers point system but I don't like feeling restricted with what I eat b/c even though they promote those meal plan diets they are also expensive and let's face it pathmark and stop and shop don't always throw them on sale so I've decided to cut back on a lot of crap I ate b/c I have a sweet tooth and I'm a snacker too bad habit especially when I'm working.  I also have a plastic container at home that is divided into 3 sections and I plan to start using that strategy for portion control.   I realize that no this is no longer something I can put off anymore I also notice that everything is centered over food parties, anniversaries, etc.  When you turn on the tv and look at commercials everything is super sized this, those gigantic breakfast plates from dennys or baconator sandwiches I'm like what the heck is wrong with these people all of these foods are a heart attack waiting to happen, I'm no saint I love bacon, eggs, and burgers, etc.  NY style home fries can't find them anywhere else trust me but health is more important to me.   I saw a food grid and technically the meat we're supposed to eat is about the size of your fist take that into consideration with a side of veggies let's say or rice etc. and we're supposed to be full with that I've done it and I do feel full.  Plus I'm also going to have to give the one and only hands down favorite Pepsi while soda is good it's loaded with calories.   Diet Arizona and Diet Snapple and get myself used to drinking water and lots of it.   The only way I'd psyche myself up into drinking water is buying crystal light but our body needs the water to function right.   This is going to be a long journey for me but in the end it is for my own good.  It's not going to be easy as I've got to drop quite a bit of weight and dr says it has to be gradually.  He said my target weight should be 155 then my BMI would be ok but I'd like to weigh 135 if possible.  I've never been rail thin even when I was thin I was 8 or 10  I would be content with a 12 but 10 sounds better and it would make shopping for clothes a lot easier than having to go to looking around every place.   I'm a 16 now and while most ppl wouldn't consider that huge and most latinos and black guys like women with junk in their trunk as they say I showed a picture of myself when I was really thin back in HS/early college days (wish I had that body now :)) and he said he didn't like the way I looked that I looked too "thin" lol.  Well I sure miss looking like that but I bet he'd changed his tune if I ever did slim down like that again.   The start of the journey will begin with food will sign up at the gym so they can stop blowing up my phone finally!!! and I'm sure I will need to brought out on a stretcher the first day but I will get used to it.  

Friday at last

Friday has finally arrived and I'm happy for that there are times that this work run errands etc routine wears me down I have to make time to do everything and there are only so many hours in a day to get things done yesterday I went to the dentist and I didn't even get to see one b/c of the ridiculous overcrowding and overbooking of appointments and if there is anything I hate is my time wasted and dealing with unprofessional incompetent ppl I saw one of the assistants cracking gum as she called a patient and that's a rude and annoying habit so went back to work accomplishing nothing but aggravation. I wasn't too thrilled that I had to stay late especially when there's nothing to do. Jr is making good progress with speech and his session went well yesterday the next phase of the program is pre school based and I hope its a full day b/c honestly that's the setting I prefer him to be in and the cost will be picked up by school district if he qualifies which is a big relief for us. I've been noticing a lot of things I don't like with his current provider too many kids not giving notice to parents when she plans to close and I wish I can say there are plenty of affordable day cares out there but they're not and the violation report from the city is another factor leaving kids unsupervised or not having working batteries in a smoke detector are deal breakers for me. So I cross my fingers and hope he is accepted. I'm going to try to make my other dental visit to the gum specialist I guess I'm a glutton for punishment it will be another quiet day which is a good thing and I will get into the city before 7:30 today which is good hate being late especially on a Friday this coming wknd is Easter and we were planning to go mass and go to the Easter parade but now he seems to be backing out of that idea a let down yes but the weather and trains don't help this. I got into the city early and so I will be out early which is a great thing its a skeleton crew today at the office so it will be a quiet easy day

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another day over

It's after 10 pm and I should be in bed but I'm up it took me forever to reset my facebook and password everything seemed to go haywire once I got the new phone.  This morning when I dropped jr off at daycare she just "drops" it on me that the daycare is closed Friday due to Good Friday and boy did that piss me off b/c of the lack of notice and consideration this woman has for her parents who rely on her services.  She pulled the same bs last year and I noted my displeasure this morning and told her "you need to give me notice" and I frankly don't give a shit if she liked it or didn't especially when you get the bs response she forgot bs some more you're a grown ass woman who figures you got the power to stick to us working parents b/c you want to close that day but guess what not everyone gets that day off I know I don't city doesn't recognize it.  Lucky for her his father is off that day and I won't have to miss work.  Does it take too much time to print up a reminder and give it to your parents or let them know at least 2-3 wks ahead of? I guess it does.  I arrived on time to work and started my day only to have the occassional minor annoyances here and there.  I then speak to the service coordinator about continuation of services process for jr only to be annoyed with the mumbo jumbo coming out of her mouth after a while its redundant annoying and I'm left barely understanding a dam thing and what the hell is wrong with the dept of ed. they think just b/c you have a hispanic last name they send me a brochure in spanish when I clearly speak and read english and when I ask for a new brochure that was too much to ask I was told to refer to early intervention manual are you kidding me? unreal.  I then receive a call from another representative who sounded like a ray of sunshine on the phone I guess it was in reference to the reevaluation.  I don't look forward to this process b/c this can get tedious annoying and with budget cuts they want to give the children the bare minimum in services which is totally unfair to the children but tell that to mayor jerkberg and our new governor who want to take away vital services and balance the budget on the backs of the working class the poor and the expense of our children. Totally ridiculous.  Lunch time rolled around I had a weight watchers pizza and went for a walk as I was coming back I noticed the two idiots laughing and looking at me very sad indeed but these are the type of people I work around. One of them has breath so bad it makes dog poop smell like a rose garden that's not something I'd be proud of I'd actually close my mouth or get some scope before I laughed at anyone and the other one is using some guy for money sad indeed.  When you're at the top of your game in all areas of your life then you can make fun of other people but most people aren't and never will be.  Toward the end of the day I had a major headache and was glad to be out of there and on my way home I was happy to get a seat on the train due to my headache and when I'm about to walk home I get a text that he wants me to pick up jr and I was sooo mad I'm exhausted and that bus sucks I waited there and walked home I started dinner which I quickly threw together something edible I almost called for chinese food but I'm trying to conserve funds so I didn't.  Ate cleared tables jr was extra hyper tonight and I was drained as usual we both were he was in a sad mood and I asked him what was wrong wouldn't tell me and then gets mad when I question his face bk status I'm like wth I asked you before you didn't want to tell me and now you're telling me I should've figured this out earlier and I thought we women were the ones who get accused of this *sigh* jr was extra wound up and took forever to fall asleep and my patience was running out finally he fell asleep but I'm annoyed by the idiots who live the adjacent building who are just as noisy as the idiots below us or even more and guess what I just got my lease renewal form and I wanted to put right through the shredder I want to get out of here so bad.  He says we have to think about it think about what? I can't stand these idiots down stairs dont' want to live in railroad apt no more and the landlord doesn't give a darn about it no matter how many complaints all fall on a deaf ear as long as he gets his rent and you know what we work too darn hard for our money to deal with that nonsense.  Well it's after 10:30 and I need to get some sleep or I will be in ultra slow mode tomorrow I'm not looking forward to the rain on the forecast and I have no ride so I'm hoping it won't be too heavy.  Off to bed to do the same routine all over again. 

another Monday morning

Another weekend gone by and its Monday not my favorite day of the week on my daily ride to work and while I was on the bus I see a lady with her kids and one of them was acting up I know kids can work a nerve with that being said kid was having a tantrum and kid big for that but anyway she was going to leave kid behind in train station and I thought what a stupid bitch I gave her eye contact and she went and got the kid if she would've left would've took pic and called cops this and many others I see on my ride are examples that ANYONE can have a child but very few know how to parent I'm not perfect by far but you have to be pretty stupid to do that with ppl watching you and cell phone cameras anyway that was first pearl of stupidity for the day I drop Jr off at daycare and she tells me she's closed for good Friday no advanced notice I was mad b/c I was already out sick this week and how do you know other parents will have day off? I get sick and tired of dealing with disorganization on their behalf today will be a sunny day which is good train is slow and I hope I'm not late we'll see what this day brings

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ghetto klown lyceum theater

Friday night arrived and after we changed our clothes it was off to the city,  I was hoping we'd make it on time b/c our train was going kind of slow.  Our first stop was BBQ's in times square and the times square area is always crowded with tons of people especially tourists and I have to say that the crowds have turned me off I don't hang out in the city like that anymore so I guess I'm not used to it either way we take the escalator upstairs and the place is packed and I didn't like the set up at all so many tables on top of each other and servers bumping into your chairs we ordered an appetizer of "hennessey wings" name sounded kind of catchy when they arrived they were very big and oversauced.  I guess I'm used to the smaller wings or boneless versions I've eaten at other places, they were good but I don't think I'd order them again when our actual plates arrived there was tons of food I was shocked I ordered ribs and steak and I could only finish half of it the rest went into a doggie bag. Needless to say I don't think we'll come to BBQ's again at least not in times square I can almost bet the one in queens is better. After we were done it was off to the theater and I have to say it wasn't easy trying to find this place and I sure wish Mr. Leguizamo would've picked the closer theater like the Minskoff, etc.  we finally get here and the line  is long I managed to take a picture of the sign outside and theater sign inside and no more photos after that due to the rules I guess they're afraid someone will publish unauthorized photos.  We get in and have our tickets scanned and have to walk up three flights of stairs not something I'm thrilled about due to walking all of those city blocks trying to find this place we finally get to our level and they point us to our seats and give us our play bill programs I realize how high up we are and I start freaking out b/c I'm terrified of heights and I think this theater was also made for midgets b/c the seats are very small and the space was very tight so I just tried to relax and not look down this theater is very old you can see it in the architecture,etc.   A few mins after 8 the show starts and he comes out and I can't believe how young he looks still b/c I know he's in his 40's and not bad looking lol and he starts telling jokes which were hilarious they cover his life growing up in Jackson Heights, Queens with his crazy parents, grandfather, and how his acting career took off, he also looks into the low points of his life like his strained relationship with his father, financial problems, a first marriage ending in divorce, a 30 yr friendship ending where the "friend" tries to get money from him and it ends in them fighting.  He explains how relationships end before you know it and how 30 yrs of friendship ended just like that I can tell he was sad when he spoke of this and while sometimes it multiple things that bring an end to a friendship I can relate to him b/c I've felt that disappointment in that department and it hurts b/c you think you've known this person all these years and know them well truth is you really never know anyone that well and people surprise you with their actions as I was surprised.  He used props and a movie projector during the show and some of the pictures from his past were hilarious like a picture of him with an afro from his HS yr book photo others reminded you of the way the mta trains looked way back when horrible with tons of graffiti on them, but each segment went from the 70's to the current time period and it was a mixed bag of happiness and sad and it made me realize that everyone has problems no matter whether we are famous or not the only difference between celebrities and normal people is that we have that privacy and anonymity that they don't have.  I also see how the strained relationship with his father affected his life I can relate to this too and his family wasn't thrilled about how he used them in his material of previous shows and I think they actually sued him as he showed a legal document on the projector and I thought how low down can you be to do that? I guess the truth hurts and people can't handle it, doesn't mean if it were me I'd go as far as to sue someone over it but I notice this a lot when ppl become famous and come from a humble background ppl become very money hungry and think they're going to leech on to your new found fame and status.  He used his experiences growing up as he refers to it as "cheap therapy" lol and I couldn't agree with him more b/c I also use this blog for the same purpose as I can't afford a high priced psychologist so I use this as an outlet too.  He also talked about how he made his father cry and thought he was finally getting the revenge he was always wanted but that he didn't feel the gratification he thought he would sad isn't it he realized that his own father had a rough upbringing too and how his father was proud of him I guess he was in his own warped way and I can relate in the way of how I found out the same about my own father but I also attribute this to culture too and in the latino culture men have to be macho they can't show emotion or many people male or female don't express emotion or hold all of their issues inside and forget about seeing a therapist they'll look at it as a sign of weakness or that you're a nut None of which are true,  We are human we are not martyrs and everyone needs help sometimes b/c your upbringing makes you who you are good or bad it will affect the path you take in life so why not get the professional help if you feel you need it.  I also feel that people take this as a cop out why would I let my upbringing influence me as a parent? If anything my past would want to me be a better parent to my son than what I got.  I know that being a parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world and sometimes I'm far from perfect and realize that no matter how perfect I try to be at it there are times where I will fall short of the mark b/c I'm also human besides being a parent.  He also talks about his wife and children who are adorable and how his success affected his relationship and I never realized how well succcess is a good thing I can't believe how destructive it can be too.  When the show finished we clapped some people did a standing ovation but I would recommend it to anyone I just hope for his next show he picks a better theater one where the seats are more comfortable and closer access to the bathrooms if you want funny and reality this is the perfect show for you.  Kudos to fellow queens resident John Leguizamo you made us laugh and forget about our problems for a short while and we look forward to seeing any new project be it a movie or any other stand up you do.  After the show we were tired and can you believe I got lost who would think it would happen to me? I realized it right away and walked back toward bway and 6 ave so we can take our train home.  Our train took a while to come as the M is slow like molasses when we get in there's a bunch of people talking and laughing loud and acting like idiots this seems to be a contagious disease on the subway ppl really think you want to hear what they're talking about, what they're blasting on their mp3, give me a break all I wanted to was catch a quick snooze but that didn't happen we were home after 12 jr was asleep and I stood up for a few minutes and after they left I changed into my pjs and fell into bed.  It was a good experience and something we have to do more often I often feel weird when we go out b/c we seldom get time to ourselves like that. 

Friday has arrived

Friday is finally here and I'm on the train waiting for it to move so I can start my am commute. I'm hoping for a smooth ride and minimal annoyances as I always do. I'm sitting at the other end of the train yet I can hear someone's music that's so annoying and defeats the purpose of headphones and they don't realize they're damaging their hearing but anyway I stood home yesterday and I rested all day and I felt better but I never get why time goes by so fast at home but drags on at work before I knew it was 12 today is the show and I'm hoping that we make it back to the city in time to eat and get there on time with no rush I look forward to the show and getting a good laugh b/c I could sure use it well let's hope this ride to work will be uneventful and my work day will be the same

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mid week feeling monotonous

It's hump day and a gray rainy one at that.  I'm on my lunch break and I really don't feel like being here due to pmsing, etc.  I wish I could be in sweats underneath a blanket watching tv but I'm here and if there was a skeleton crew I'd go home.  I knew it was coming b/c I've been feeling tired for the past few days, easily irritated (more than the norm lol) and all I wanted to eat was chocolate and snack on things.  I have so much on my mind sometimes I don't know what to get to first.  Bills and bill collectors calling when their payment is late kind of hate that feature time warner has where you can see who's calling on your tv screen and sometimes it's just a few days late now companies want to harrass you by e-mail too telling me your account needs attention well when I have it you get it, and by the way my checking account needs some attention and some TLC and it always accepts donations direct deposit or straight in my hand will you be happy to oblige? Didn't think so.  I'm pretty responsible when it comes to things like that but sometimes the funds just don't stretch like you want them to and many a times your check does a disappearing act now you see it now you don't.   I know I can be better at it but it always seems like we need something or jr needs something but I vow I will start becoming a better saver b/c it is very important to save for a rainy day or any unforseen emergency.  Today was another day of rain typical of April it rains alot but in the end you see beautiful green trees and flowers by next month.  I just wish it would warm up already.  I can't believe Friday will already be April 15 like where's the time going? Before you know summer will be here.  I am looking forward to seeing the show on Friday.  We will be seeing the new John Leguizamo stand up comedy "Ghetto Klown" and while he's been around for a while I think he's hilarious and I look forward to getting a good laugh I just hope we got good seats b/c I've never been good at looking those crazy theater seating charts but usually cheaper doesn't mean you get the best view, we got the the middle of the road price so I hope not only to see it but hear it well.  I was trying to find a reasonable place to eat before the show but considering it's the time square area a lot of the places around there are over priced tourist traps.  I was thinking of going to Dallas BBQ but I was thinking everything there has meat supposedly you're supposed to give up meat for lent well I've been pretty bad b/c I'm a carnivore I can't eat fish I eat vegetables but to be totally meatless nope.  I was also thinking of going to the Easter Parade next Sunday I think jr would like it but then I thought about the crowds and having to deal with the subways so it's just a thought in progress for now.  I avoid the subways with my child if I can help it, they're filthy and always jam packed with idiots who don't know how to act or expect you to move a stroller and I'm not moving mine so walk around it in the rare cases I do ride with him he's totally strapped in and the wheels are locked so that it doesn't move.  I spoke with my mother and there are times she gives me a headache and I just have to hang up the phone.   Things aren't going well over there and they're thinking of coming back here to NYC I should be happy right? But I'm not exactly.  There's a wealth of problems behind this situation and an individual who will remain nameless is the source of them.  FL living is beautiful, the cost of living is lower apartments and homes are beautiful but sadly their health insurance blows, social services blows even more, and you need a car to get to every place unless you live in a more urban city like Tampa, Orlando, etc.  in the end I want her to be happy but until she stops making decisions out of guilt and allowing herself to be manipulated this situation will continue.  I'm unhappy with the family overall sometimes family is something else they make you go through a wealth of stress and aggravation the house is being put up for sale and right now everything is crazy.  While I listen a lot of times I have to distance myself or hang up the phone b/c it gets to be too much and I get myself in a bad mood all for what? I can't change anything so why allow myself to get aggravated by it.  I understand why he would sell the home as he's getting old and  not in the best of health may not want that responsibility but knowing how family is I also know there are other reasons behind it.  If there's nothing I hate more is someone who beats around the bush, just tell someone what it is you need to tell them why make things so hard?  The whole state of the family isn't good I think if my grandmother were alive right now she would be so angry and she must still be angry looking down at us from heaven b/c if there was anyone who deserved to be in peace it was her. She loved everyone and tried to keep the family together but when she passed things just got worse but sometimes death does that it changes things and not always for the better.  Death brings out the ugliness in people and boy did I see ugliness that I hope I don't see again ever or for a very long time.  I know this year is going to bring a lot of changes I can sense that my mother relocating will be a good thing b/c I have missed having her around but I just wish it were under different circumstances.  Not much I can do but try to be there advise and pray that they can be guided in the right direction to make the best choice for themselves.  I don't like drama I like to live a peaceful existence and it's very difficult at times when there's always something or someone there are times I want to say I have my own problems but then people look at you like you're being insensitive but I guess we all need to vent and have someone just listen.  Today the speech therapist is coming over as I canceled last night's session I was tired with a sink to the ceiling of dishes and just not in the mood for people to be over I'm hoping that it goes well and jr behaves b/c these past two sessions I've had to intervene and tell him to stop his bad behavior his favorite thing is "my toy" or "mine".  I feel a "me" day approaching again and I know was going to make it a habit of doing this but an entire "me" day is in store.  Trying to figure out when I'm going to do this b/c I can sure use a day for myself to do absolutely nothing.  Believe it or not even a ride on the city bus is relaxing for me provided I get a good seat and it's not rush hour.  Well it's 10 minutes to 2 and I have to start winding down to finish up what's left of the day I've done practically a whole day's work already if I could go home now it would be great but once the 3:00 stretch arrives it's smooth sailing and tomorrow is pay day "the best day of the week"  for the most part it would be even better if I could keep it all for me.  we all can dream. *sigh* Well back to work.

help point

This is one of the new mta help point kiosks here is your tax dollars and mta mismanagement of funds hard at work I guess this won't work if someone mugs you on the way down to subway or on the platform itself depending on design of the station. Like all machines they require maintenance and that's not free I guess its easier for them to install this than to try to keep a human token clerk that would actually require the preservation of jobs and benefits once again mta a day late and a dollar short going your way yeah right *cough*

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weekend sypnosis

Friday was a painfully slow day as a lot of them have been lately these are the days I wish I had more accumulated vacation time to get away for a couple of weeks.  This Friday after work I met up with a friend who I hadn't seen in a while it felt good to meet up with someone and have some time alone we went to Friday's and the food was good but I was kind of surprised that they finally lowered the music there b/c before you had to practically shout across the room just to have a conversation the music was that loud.  Talking with her I realize that we all have problems and things going on in our lives and without getting into specific details out of respect for privacy sometimes I realize I do too complain a lot but there are people who are worse off it's good to talk to someone and have someone listen.  I told her to have faith and pray and I'm hoping for the best.  I should take my own advice, this weekend was the usual clean and run errands with the most hated one being grocery shopping.  If there's anything I hate the most on weekends is grocery shopping it seems like all of the idiots come out of the woodwork and decide to stop at pathmark stop&shop etc.  and we sure did encounter some winners the blue ribbon award for idiot goes to genius blocking aisle with her cart while she gingerly reads labels on boxes and puts them in the cart totally oblivious to others who want to get by nominee #2 moron who asks us where the macaroni is proceeds to argue with us that it's not this aisle so if you know better than stfu and try to find the box.  Box turned out to be two aisles down and we find same said idiot in aisle who finally finds item.  #3 nominee idiot who is on register putting her items on the belt and sees cart behind her instead of moving cart forward allowing me to move forward and put stuff on belt and separate with stick nope I had to wait until your majesty finished loading it all I could've asked her to move her cart forward but she didn't seem like she was very congenial and to avoid myself getting into an altercation on a task I already despise I let said idiot go forward.  Pick and choose our battles and most things while they piss us off aren't worth getting into it over ignorance is bliss as they say and you really never know anyone these days.  After we're done we head on to the meat/produce place and the idiots seem to congregate there a lot too.  I'm ready to pay and there's someone there who was in line in front of me who has garlic and decides she wants jarred minced garlic goes to aisle reads the label holding me up in line and idiot decides not to buy jar of garlic but forgets something else.  Finally she's rung up and out of there and then I notice another person there  with a huge order of wholesale meat who cashier tries to start ringing up and she must've seen the look of death on my face b/c she stopped and rung me up if there's one thing I can't do well is hide my expressions or feelings if I'm pissed off you will know and most of the time I'm red like a tomato so it's pretty noticeable.  I finally leave and I'm glad to be gone wishing I was going home but I have to stop at BJ's wholesale to pick up stuff for jr.   If you think grocery shopping is annoying try going to costco or BJ's Sam Club etc.  The lines are always at a stand still and never enough cashiers.  Another 15-20 minutes for 2 items and I breathed a sigh of relief when I got home at last.  This is why I prefer to go to places very early in the morning the later you go the worse it is.  Sunday was a gray boring day and he decides he wants to go to church and I'm like are you kidding me?  I'm not a terribly religious person and since I wasn't raised in the catholic faith many a times I feel like a fish out of water I know maybe one or two prayers better said know of them don't ask me to recite b/c I couldn't help you there.  I just couldn't seem to get it together we eventually got together and get to the church with jr in the stroller and jr doesn't stay still or quiet which I can tell other people kept looking toward us which makes me unable to really concentrate on what's being said but I don't care what other people think he's a 2 yr old you can't expect him to be like a statue or be quiet.  I just couldn't get into it I guess some services are better than others.  The donation basket comes around and this is something I wonder about they tell you to have two donation envelopes and last I checked some people can't give two envelopes or even one for that matter I know it's something we do but people shouldn't feel obligated to give what they really can't especially in an economy as bad as this one is.  We gave something but I've heard is 10% on your income not sure if that's true and I realize they need it for the maitenance of the church, etc.  don't indirectly say that you're expecting two envelopes anyway the message was nice but some you get into some you dont that also depends on the priest I guess.  When I lived in Yonkers, the church was livelier there while I didn't like things up there either the services were livelier the music, etc.  I think I'm going to try the other church in Maspeth and see if I like their services better.   One of my favorite places is the St Patricks Cathedral I always feel a sense of peace when I go there we're going to see a show on Friday I may stop over there before the show.  I guess the most important thing when you do go to any church is you feel at peace and learn something from the sermons they give.  I need to go to church more often to feel more at peace and ease and reduce my stress b/c I sure have plenty of stressors daily stressors external family stressors, etc.  and it's very hard to feel positive at times when things just seem to be getting worse than improving and when you feel as if you have to take care of and carry everyone but no one is to carry you when you need it,.  Listening to enya again and I feel more serene which is good it helps me relax and focus on work and tune out the rest of the unneccesary nonsense.   I sure hope the sun comes out today as it's supposed to be 75 degrees sure a dismal gray morning for spring weather.

sunny hump day

Hump day has arrived and it's a sunny one now if it could warm up that would be even better looking at the weather I see that we're going to get a lot of rain this month as we usually do in April but as they April showers bring May flowers.  Monday's visit with jr to the ENT was tedious and long but the outlook is positive.  I never understand why doctor's offices always overbook patients kids get bored easily especially when they're toddlers.  The dr examined his ears and took out wax and the area where the surgery is done is totally healed up.  He then repeated the hearing test and now the left is better but the right ear still isn't where it should be due to fluid build up.  He doesn't need surgery for now and he's being monitored due to the speech/language delays.  I felt as if a whole weight was lifted off my shoulders but I will be relieved when both ears are functioning at a normal level and even if it comes to be that he needs a hearing aid it's better than surgery.  It's pretty much a wait and see we go back in 6 weeks for exam and a test on both ears.   Yesterdays's speech therapy session was ok jr was ok but uncooperative toward the middle and therapist put away the toys and started on something else.  I try to interfere in the sessions but sometimes jr needs a reminder that he's misbehaving.   After she left we ate and it was the usual routine dinner, bath, bed.   I felt so tired last night I winded up falling asleep with jr in his bed I woke up and went to my room only to turn over this morning and find him in our bed this is very frustrating indeed.  There are times I'm in such a deep sleep that I don't even hear or feel when he comes in.  Friday I meet up with a friend I haven't seen in a while and I'm glad b/c I don't get to have that interaction often.  The dishes stayed in the sink b/c I fell asleep so they will get done today I've considered investing in a portable dishwasher I had a portable washing machine at one point both are great conviences.   Well off to start my day hope it will be a smooth one. 

look in the mirror first

The 3:00 stretch has arrived and I will be leaving in an another hour and today was a horrible hair day for me omg, I wish I could just cut it all off this weather is not good for my curls at all, seems like nothing I use is working these days and what works is expensive seems like it's like that we everything we use.  I'm just going to bit the bullet and go back to the Ouidad product line I was using before it was hard to buy due to the price but Ouidad was a genius and made her products available on HSN and I'd love to thank her personally for that b/c it has made them way more affordable for less than $30 I can get what would cost $80 at the salon or salon web pg.  This morning the buses seemed like they were off I'm waiting for the first bus with jr only for everyone else to mob in the front of me courtesy contagious nope.  I get in squeeze into the very uncomfortable front seat of the bus but it's for his safety.  As I get off the bus I realize I miss the first Q54 I usually do but when I noticed the other one coming shortly after I realized I'd be running late and if there's anything I hate is to be running late sometimes it's through no fault of my own sometimes I admit I was procrastinating.  I wasn't too late just 5 minutes but it seems like the later the trains are the slower they move and more crowded they get.  Most of this day was spent trying to get a program on my computer to work which we finally did so I can get things done.  I'm listening to Enya now never heard an artist whose music is so relaxing and soothing to listen to when I feel stressed out I listen to her music a lot.  I was speaking to my mother today and she mentioned to me a comment someone said about me but refused to say who the source is and it made me angry she refused to tell me b/c she knows I'd tell the person what I thought and how fast they can get there to where I'd send them but it stung I have to admit it myself the truth hurts as I said in one of my previous entries.  The person said I'm always a b* to my husband, always angry, and that he'd get tired of me and leave and I'm bitter.  My mother adds that she told them if they knew what I go through and how he can be at times they'd see it differently thanks mom but to this person whomever you are I'm a person who is misunderstood by many people.  There are very few people who really know me and accept me and appreciate what I have to offer.  I'm far from perfect but I'm human aren't we all?  Do I complain alot? Yes b/c life sometimes can truly suck and if I leave it all bottled up inside which is a bad habit of mine I will explode so I blog or do other things as a release.  Can I be more positive? Yes of course I can be that's something I'm going to have to work on but aren't we all a work in progress? I'm someone who loves to help, give, when I can and I'm honest sometimes too honest bitter well let's see I wouldn't say bitter maybe a little jaded of things that have happened to me in the past, friends who let me down, family who has let and continues to let me down, a husband who I sometimes wonder why he's still around when we can never seem to agree on anything and knows what buttons to push.  When things are good they're really good and when they're bad they blow.  I just don't understand why people say things like this as if they know my day to day life and what I'm feeling.  While there are a lot of women out there who do what I do, there are some that would say **** this and tell their husband to get a second job.  I get up at 5 get ready get my son take 2 buses and 2 trains to work 5 days a week when I get home all I want to do is throw myself in bed but I can't and sometimes most times jr doesn't cooperate to deal with therapy sessions, dinner which I admit is not made by me, laundry, housework, errands, bills? What hurts the most is I have a good feeling who said these hurtful things and sometimes they say the ones that hurt you the most is your own family sometimes.  He is the last one to talk of me in a negative light b/c he still doesn't have his life together and lives to aggravate someone I care very much about.  Why don't you shine some light on yourself what you've caused people to go through than you can talk about me and my flaws.  It makes me laugh when people think they have the answer to your problems and or blame you for the situations you're in as if they're so perfect there's no such thing as perfection, most people treat the word mistake as if it's a dirty word but everyone makes mistakes.  Recently I received a text from the person I stopped texting and I admit I was rude in responding but then I reflected and thought to myself that everyone is human and is going through things and I know there's a lot going on right now but sometimes people have to realize that you can't take everyone for granted.  I realize that I have high standards with everything I do morally, etc. and sometimes I over think and analyze things and sometimes I get really emotional angry, etc.  I'm passionate but I also get angry at myself for this b/c there are some things that aren't worth me feeling like that or issues that aren't worth it.  I have to work on the fact that when we expect things to be a certain way, you will be let down I've learned this the hard way many times so I'm going to relax that if someone calls great if not so be it, and learn not to expect anything if it's meant to be things will happen.   I'm very detail oriented sometimes to a fault most people aren't.  This is good for work but not always good for the outside world I guess it depends on the situation.  I'm me good bad or in between.  Well it's time for me to start closing it down and getting ready to leave the speech therapist will visit today and I'm hoping that jr will cooperate and try to stay still for most of the session. 

sour grapes of life

It's monday my least favorite day of the week.  I woke up in monday mode use the bathroom and lay down on the couch to watch NY1 to fully wake up.  The gray weather outside doesn't help my mood or energy level.  I get ready and leave early and get on the quiet train the one I love to catch b/c most ppl are asleep or listening to music and sometimes I do the same.  The later you are the more loud, annoying and packed the trains get.  I get off the train and wind up taking the wrong train having to then take the 6 train *sigh* only on a Monday morning.  I still made it to work on time which is good today is jr's ent visit and I am nervous anticipating what the doctor's diagnosis and recommendations are and I'm hoping that surgery isn't anywhere in there.  I'm going b/c I want to be informed and ask questions that he doesn't I get annoyed with him b/c this is something that's very important and as I've said before I have a right to ask questions and be an informed parent and if they don't like it I can always find another doctor.  No one is going to make a quick buck off of my child b/c I know insurance pays very well on surgeries or any other major procedures.  His speech is improving and I've already initated the process for the additional services and I'm wondering if he will be approved or denied.  He's starting to combine words but still doesn't know some.  This is a very long process and occupational therapist is another one who is annoying to work with if it weren't for my husband he would've been gone a long time ago.  I have no tolerance for incompetence and I hold people accountable I'm also a working parent who works full time and I don't have time to be jerked around.  I see that as time has passed he has also grown tired of his nonsense well its not like I didn't tell you what to do.  He has started the process of looking for pre-k programs and it's just as bad as daycare I dont' get what these people are thinking that the average working person can afford the outrageous rates they want to charge parents.  One of the catholic schools in the area wanted $2,400 a month for PRE K not even regular schooling and for 2 hrs a day I thought are you kidding me? Who works 2 hrs a day in this current economy and society these days?  Why work if all of your disposable income is going to childcare and tuiton? It's frustrating and very discouraging as parents we want to provide the best for our child but we also have to consider living expenses, etc.  We wanted to have another child and now I'm doubtful b/c it is hard enough with one and I can't and won't consider doing what I do everyday with two kids.  I know there are people out there who have no choice but they also qualify for programs that I wish I did which pretty much secures their childcare and schooling.  There is no help for the middle class and it sucks when everything keeps going up except your paycheck.  The rent here in NYC is ridiculous and what you get is a joke and you're taking a chance b/c you never know who's going to live next to your or in your building I never imagined I would have to deal with living with trash in the same building I thought those days were over but they're not.  I feel stuck b/c it costs money to move and there's always a chance it can happen again.  PS103 has major restrictions on it's enrollment even though it's in our school district they don't want anyone coming in that lives more than 4 blocks away and I hear it's 94% white.   That was very discouraging to hear but the harsh reality is they're doing it on purpose to keep certain individuals out and therefore maintaining the neighborhood to a high standard and kids.  Is it unfair absolutely.  Sadly he thinks we have a chance but that's not a fight I want to fight b/c if I knew my son was being given a hard time b/c of this there would be consequences and why put him and ourselves through that.  I kind of see just a little bit though why certain areas want to limit the areas b/c I've seen first hand how nice schools are destroyed by kids who are busted into these nice areas for example.  I used to go JHS210 which was one of the best schools at the time until they started busting kids from the bad areas we started to see an increase in violence, school bags being stolen, bus passes, and by the time I graduated it was on the top worst schools list.  It's a shame but that's how it happened.  Everyone is entitled to an education but there is a certain state of mind that people don't want to deal with and I can't say I blame them. Ghetto is not where you live it's a state of mind I've heard this saying before and it's true  I lived in a place where was considered "ghetto" and there were a lot of decent, well mannered, people who lived where I used to live but the ones who were rude, ill mannered, obnoxious, destructive, self-entitled overshadowed the community and make people think that's all a certain place has to offer.  Some people's only crime is that they simply don't have the resources to live anywhere else and with the rising costs in rent and rapid spread of gentrifcation in many NY neighborhoods this is a harsh reality for many people.  I've spoken about gentfrication in a previous blog and I've read other blogs in here that address gentrification and there are some who are for it stating that many people who behave like I've mentioned above don't have respect for their communities and while it is certainly true there are people trying to improve the area improving is one thing pricing residents out isn't improvement in my opinion.  I know there needs to more affordable housing in this city b/c there isn't going to be many people who are choosing to stay living here.  I've thought many times leaving NY but where we want to go due to the bad economy and 11% unemployment rate we simply cannot do it.  We have to be where are our jobs are secure and right now that's here in NY no matter how hard it is for me and expensive, etc. etc.   I think eventually we will leave NYC when exactly still remains up in the air.  I will always love NY no matter where I wind up living but I also want to be able to afford to live and have my son in a decent school district too.  Well it's after 9 and time to get to work I'm glad I will be leaving early today seems like there isn't much to do today hoping that the rain doesn't start until tonight again.  We'll see.

sticky fingers

Most of the time there aren't enough hours in a day to get everything done.  Time flies by so fast when you're home but it drags on at work.  Last week it was pretty boring and I sure hope this week isn't like this b/c it just makes the week seem longer and drag.  This weekend was like most by the time Friday comes I'm exhausted and just want to eat shower and fall asleep.  I got a head start cleaning up friday night so I didn't have so much to do the next day.  When I got home Friday afternoon I notice an opened pkg in the door way and it belonged to him.  I was infuriated  that someone would have the nerve to open up a pkg and have the nerve to leave the damaged box and contents sticking out.  I was cursing up a storm and I'm sure those worthless ghettofied thieves heard me and good I wanted them to hear me.  It took every bit of restraint not to bang on the door and go nuts on them.  This incident explains the previous I never received a pkg sent to me I also had a few cards "lost" and I never got them and I thought I can't believe that I'm going through this shit here.  Tampering with mail not addressed to you is a federal crime and you can be arrested.  I'm fed up we leave a bad neighborhood dealing with nonsense similar to this to move to a safer place pay more rent to then have some ghetto trash move in on the first floor I just can't win.  That night I get a knock on the door and the super of the bldg. has a surprise for me a picture showing the bitch on video taking the pkg and putting it back I guess she had no use for a evo battery and case.  He tells me that he's also been missing mail and our landlord is too busy sipping mai tai's in dr and collecting our hard earned money to give a ****.  These people are loud obnoxious blast music at all hours slam doors think our stoop is the local park you don't see it now but wait till summer comes.  I'm sick of it all, I told the super if the landlord doesn't take steps to rectify the situation I will be moving from here.  I then filed a complaint with the post office and was given a case # only to be told I should've contacted the postal police/inspector.  I think it's a shame and a pity to be paying rent that's equivalent to a mortgage payment and you can't even shop online or order anything b/c you have to worry about some dead beat ripping you off.  Thank goodness for security cameras I hope that it will capture them doing something else and they will be evicted.  I would never steal from anyone and then he goes down there to talk to them as if that's going to matter he's "talked" to them before about their music still happens.  You can't be nice to some ppl bottom line.  A lot of people take kindness for weakness.  The sister of the bitch a.k.a thief tried to play dumb like she didn't know what he was talking about and she'd ask she was probably thinking oh **** busted.  Well I just may contact that postal inspector if my next pkg doesn't arrive intact.  This scenario is in to be continued mode for now.   Yesterday was the usual cleaning and running errands spent some time with jr in the park it is good for him to play and expend some of that energy that I wish I had half of his energy on any given day.  I woke up late this morning and it feel good to sleep in I actually got some "me" time today I took the bus to the mall browsed around went to the bath and body works store got some hand soaps, and a pillow mist to help me sleep a lavendar scented one b/c I sure can use all the help I need to get sleep during the work week.  I then had some lunch and went to Jc Penney I invested in a good knife block set b/c farberware may make great pots but they're knives are horrible when it comes to certain things it's worth spending extra knives are definitely worth it.  I got home pretty early and relaxed for the rest of the day.  I'm going to make an effort to have more "me" days b/c it helps me a lot to have time to clear my head and do for myself for a change.  Tomorrow is jr's visit to the ENT and I'm crossing my fingers that he will not need the procedure and some of the fluid has drained out.  Tomorrow is going to rain not thrilled about that and it's monday blah.  Well it's past 10 and I'm off to shower and to get some rest or my usual case of the mondays will be worse than they usually are.