Feeling discouraged

We're almost past the third month of the new year and I have yet to feel or experience any positivity just stress aggravation and setbacks.  I have the stress of trying to maintain a job that I loathe and the stress of paying rent that no one should have to pay such an exorbitant amount of just to have a roof over your head that you'll never own by the way. The commute, being a single mother to a 5 yr old who is high functioning autistic who can be a handful most of the time and bills that are there but most of the don't care about and to top it off I'm pregnant again and most women would be thrilled I'm wondering how I'm going to balance two kids and everything else and last but not least I have a person who is an addict in my home which has caused me a tremendous amount of stress and I'm to the point I feel trapped by all of this the system sucks they detox people and discharge them for outpatient services that most of them don't even attend or are just a bandaid to a very serious problem after the third trip to er and more half ass bandaids by the nyc health and hospitals system he's back at my doorstep yet again and has resumed drinking again this is not what I expected to come home to after a long annoying commute home and I'm just fed up already it's my home and I feel like I have no control I just pay the rent smdh. I have a mother who is an unrealistic enabler who never gave him the a$$ kicking he really needs and because she can't have him in her place it's mine and it's caused a rift in our relationship but I have to start putting my foot down I'm tired of living like this I struggle enough with my own issues and while I helped up to a certain point there comes a point where you can't do anymore for someone  and it has to come from them.  I have a son to.think about the child I'm carrying and my own sanity and I have to admit I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted I'm depressed alot and always in a bad mood and it's no good for anyone.  I had a threatened miscarriage a few weeks ago and I really think a big part of it was stress and just that I have a history of this with my previous pregnancy as well.  While I know addiction is a disease I can't help but feel anger resentment and tired of hearing the same promises beginnings only to be on track for a while and fall back down each time deeper than the previous and I'm tired I saw others experience this in the family and I can see why they feel the way they do this has been a pattern for over twenty something years and there has to be an end to it.  There are days that I just feel like packing my bags and disappearing to a new place where I know no one. Many people think it's nice to have family near it can be a blessing and a curse. It's the biggest mistake I've ever made sadly and hope to rectify in the future. All I want to have is a peaceful life perfect doesn't exist but peace and serenity are necessary and in order for this to happen I have to distance myself from the things that are bringing me down which means having to make a lot of hard decisions as to where to move what school districts have the services he needs away from family my significant other also has family baggage to be fair I think we all do to some degree but I'm not taking no one else's as I don't expect them to take on my stuff. 

hair part 2

In January I posted a blog how hair defines us and my plan was to go to the Devachan Salon in the village and well it's been a while since I've blogged on here but I chickened out and didn't go. I read a few yelp reviews and some You Tube reviews and decided not to take the plunge. I ordered Wen around the same time and with every hair product that I've tried I hoped for good results and one product I can stick to instead of being on the journey of finding yet another styling product another shampoo, conditioner, etc. I ordered the Wen promotional kit in Pomegranate and I have to say not a fan at all. In fact I don't think I can be a fan of co washing or these no poo or low poo cleansers. While I realize sulfates aren't the best but I need my scalp to be cleansed too. I used a whole bottle and I found that my hair always looked knotted and dirty and you have to use a lot of product. I was fed up and started using regular shampoo again and it seemed like my hair could breathe again. I don't recommend Wen at least not for my hair type which is very curly and dry at times. I was also told by one of their reps that I should've gotten their lavendar or fig products which are more for my hair type of how convenient that none of those are options are available with their promo kits. I call the company that's supposed to have award winning customer service and I'm persuaded in every way not to cancel and was told I'd receive a free bottle of lavender cleansing conditioner I'll try it but I doubt very much I will be reordering this product again and so the search continues. As for the haircut I'm still thinking it over whether or not I will give devachan salon a try as it's very expensive but I also want a style that's easy to manage and care for.  I realize everyone's experience is different so I won't go on yelp and you tube overload again.

Avonte Oquendo's remains identified - New York News

Avonte Oquendo's  

In October this case was reported to the media and it broke my heart that this type of thing could happen but as a parent and a parent of a child with autism it.infuriated me because there was no.reason for.this to occur.other than gross negligence on behalf of the school safety officers,his aides, and personnel autistic children are very easily distracted and frightened they don't like loud.noises to be touched too much and many are attracted to subway trains and water.  I never understood why he wasn't physically restrained when he tried to flee there were plenty of school safety staff around and how aren't they trained to approach a child with autism especially ones who are nonverbal being.employed in a school where special education children attend.  I lost my son a few years ago in a street fair in my neighborhood and it was the most terrible feeling not to know where he was and I looked in a store where I knew he liked the bikes and toys I asked someone they saw him I zoomed to kids clothing store and there he was I of course from other people looked like a terrible parent someone made a remark that I should've been watching him etc I was so relieved that I found him safe I tuned the idiot out however when I left the store the cops were waiting for me and I had to explain his condition etc thank goodness they were cool about it and gave him a stern talking to never again did he disappear.  I had always had hopes over the months that this child would be found safe and returned to his family but sadly some remains were discovered in the river in queens and his identity was confirmed I was heartbroken that this poor family has to endure such an inconsolable loss like this and I can't help what wonder what his last moments were like but I hope his spirit is at peace.  I ask myself why does a tragedy like this have to happen so that the Board of Education and these other overpaid clockwatchers can make the changes in protocol so that another child doesn't suffer the same fate.  The special education community the Autism community deserves more and better programs and people who are trained to educate and treat them with dignity and respect not meeting minimum standards overcrowded overburdened underpaid and let me dare say unqualified.

This is a sad update to the initial blog I wrote four months ago.  Peace prayers to the family.

Android vs. IPhone

I've always had Android phones for and I currently have the galaxy s 3 but I have to say that I'm getting bored with it. One of things I hate most about this phone is it's terrible battery life. I can use it for a short time and the green bar is almost halfway.down and another thing is the Wi-Fi connection there are times I have to restart this phone several times a day I don't know if that's the area I'm in or the cell phone company's issue but I think I'm ready for a change. The most recent operating system upgrade I downloaded I hate it just guessing I think it's android 4.0 icecream sandwich it's not user friendly and it took me a long time just to find the options to put a pin# to protect my phone I know one thing I look for is user friendly not having to jump through hoops just to do simple tasks. There's always a risk with upgrades that they will either take away a few good things and maybe add one to three new things and add a expensive price tag.

I've always liked Apple products the computers etc but they're way out of my league financially. There is never an issue with viruses and the system is very straight forward and easy to use and I'm hoping there'd be a better battery life than my current phone I never considered the iPhone before because you needed a contract and the providers who sold it are very expensive and no insurance coverage so since none of these are issues no more I think I'm ready for a change and I'm looking at getting the iPhone 5s I know it's going to be a sacrifice but from what I heard from someone as recently as last weekend he said he loves it so much he'd never go back to android and will upgrade when the new one comes out.  I'm ready for change  but before I take the plunge and purchase it I will go to the store and mess around with it first before making the final choice it will be an adjustment as it is with anything new but I think I will be happy with it in the long run

Time to move on

I've been contemplating this move for a long time but economic necessity and my son and a shitty economy has held me back from making it happen. I've been at same place for 7 years and through those years I've seen a lot of people come and go good people that you're sad to see go and some not I see that a lot of people use this place as means to gain knowledge experience and move on and that's what I thought I'd do too but I winded up staying a lot longer than I expected I got married had my son got divorced and lately I've seen a change in the staff here and it's starting to leave a bad.taste in my mouth. There are certain people who.shouldn't be in supervisory or management positions they lack the professionalism it takes to do the job efficiently when you have a.person who treats you a certain way makes notice of.things only you do something as petty as ring tone while four other worker's phones go off you've got to wonder it's personal and or if it's something deeper within themselves I think it's personal  I've had to.bring this to.the manager's attention in the past and it wasn't easy because I don't like drama anyplace especially work related but I had already had.enough and while I saw some change a leopard doesn't change their spots and I see the same behaviors come out here and there. You come to a point where you get tired of the office politics and bs and I have I've been there before at my first job I dreaded coming to work and they say when that happens it's time to go and when I did I felt like a whole weight was lifted off of me but I also didn't have a son to support so it made the.decision that.much easier.  Not too toot my own horn I consider myself to be an intelligent person with a lot to offer but I don't see myself advancing here I see myself stagnant and this just.being a.dead.end due to politics and no available City opportunities to take advantage of.  A city job to most people especially here in NY is a hot commodity and a privilege and great benefits etc yes there are perks but there's also a lot of nonsense too like having money for computers and hyper educated people with huge salaries but there's no cost of living raise for the support staff who really make this city run to ease the pinch of the forever rising cost of living in this city and gentrification a word and action I despise because it's pricing people out and pretty soon we will have the very wealthy and poor. The middle-class can't afford to live here no more 1500-2000 for rent which can easily be someone's monthly income who has money for extra or to save. I used to think it was the best thing but as the years pass I realize not everything is what it seems It may take me a while but if I achieve anything this year I want it to be a new job it's always scary to embark on a new journey but if we don't spread our wings we'll never know what's there to explore. I've conquered this already I've learned a.great deal and.met some.great people along the.way but.it's.time to say farewell

Bridgegate: Who's who? - New York News

Bridgegate: Who's who? - New York News

This is based on the recent scandal that broke out in the news about the New Jersey chief of Staff ordering lane closures leading to Fort Lee NJ in retaliation for not endorsing republican candidate for governor of the state Chris Christie.  I'm not a fan of his by any means but I see that he's not the typical republican candidate you see on the news channels like Fox CNN and all over the media which is why I think many republican conservatives don't like him because they think he's too moderate I guess but getting back to the link it identifies all of the people responsible for these lane closures that caused hours of gridlock traffic and many other inconveniences and all for what?  It baffles me that in this day and age of technology and social media that this former chief of staff would stoop so low to write this email and think she wouldn't be caught for doing so.  Many people seem to forget at work where ever office you work at be it a high position of authority like hers or any other office job you have no right to privacy there's even a disclosure at my job telling you this before you log on whatever you do the computer department can find out and don't ever think because you hit that delete key that what you do cannot be retrieved it can it be recovery software or a very skilled IT person so people need to be careful what they do at work.  Just reading the remark it's time to cause some trouble sounds very immature infantile I think it was very poor judgement on all of this staff part and I think they all deserve to lose their jobs because of what they did and many people are implicating that the governor knew all about it that remains to be known and he can apologize all he wants at the end of the day an investigation will be done and people will be held accountable as these people were.  No one deserves retribtuion simply because they didn't endorse someone in their campaign for office the last time I checked we can pick whomever we want that's why we have the right to vote and freedom of choice. 

20th anniversary of the Metro card

The MetroCard is celebrating 20 years of swiping this week, but it has only several years of life left as the MTA devises the next fare payment system. The replacement for the iconic subway token was introduced in 1994 at the Whitehall Street and Wall Street stations. The cards, originally blue with gold lettering, were brought to the rest of the subway system in 1997. But for all the beneficial changes the MetroCard brought to riders -- free transfers, 30-day unlimited rides, faster boarding times and the end of two-fare zones -- a 20-year anniversary is not necessarily a milestone to celebrate. "I was hoping we wouldn't have it this long," said Andrew Albert, an MTA board member. "I think New Yorkers will be very happy when we can put the MetroCard to bed." The MetroCard system is at the end of its useful life and will be too costly to maintain past 2019, the MTA has said. In its place, the agency envisions a new open system that would allow outside companies to develop multiple ways for riders to pay their fare. That could include bank-issued contactless "tap-and-go" smart cards, smartphones or account-based devices. "Part of this whole effort is to provide customers with more options in terms of how to pay their fare," MTA spokesman Kevin Ortiz said. The system would also allow a rider, for example, to transfer from a subway to a commuter rail "seamlessly, with one device, one method of payment," Ortiz said. The new technology would also be a money saver for the MTA, which is responsible for vending machine and turnstile maintenance. "Every dime you save is a dime less the fare has to go up," said Bill Henderson, executive director of the citizens advisory committee to the MTA. In 2006, the MTA tested contactless payment system as a possible replacement for the MetroCard. The idea to phase out the MetroCard gained traction under MTA chief Jay Walder, who had introduced the Oyster Card in London. Walder in 2010 tested a contactless smart card system on parts of the Lexington line, the PATH and seven city buses; he resigned from the MTA a year later. Meanwhile, transit agencies in Chicago, Philadelphia and Atlanta have moved their payment system into the 21st century. But the MTA is optimistic that a fully functional and integrated system will be in place by 2020, Ortiz said. He added the MTA hopes to have request for proposal out this year. "I'm probably a little frustrated by the pace," said Allen Cappelli, an MTA board member. "Once you start embracing technology, you want it yesterday." On my way to work I usually pick up the free newspaper AMNY or Metro and in today's AMNY I came across this short article and I can't believe how fast time flies. In 1994 I was in my junior year of high school with no responsibilities no bills a figure I wish I had now and we were using tokens and on privately owned buses dollar bills and change. I remember when I got my first metro card I didn't even know how to use it in the bus and unlike tokens I had to remember to check the balance on the card to make sure I had enough to ride the train and bus. Eventually they did away with tokens and dollar bill acceptance and the buses became all owned by the MTA. The introduction of the metro card made things easier for people also more affordable no more two fare zones and a free transfer from subway to bus. 20 years have gone by so fast I graduated high school in June 1995 so this making me feel ancient now but I'm guessing they didn't think the usage of this card would last this long I can't see how they want to retire these cards and use something else. I'm a firm believer if it's not broken don't fix it this would involve millions to install new fare boxes on the buses and turnstiles on the trains when all that money can be used to keep the fare from going up and improving the service which leaves a lot to be desired depending on what train you ride everyday The only thing I wish was still the same is the 1.25 fare it was back in 1994. Over the years the fare has gone up the values have also come and gone too back in those days you could get a fun pass for $4 and ride around unlimited till 2-3 am the next morning. Change can bring good and bad now the fare is 2.50 and the cost of a monthly metro card is now $112 a big difference from $63 a month and we have newer trains that announce the stops but are smaller and narrower and are also noisier for now I will keep using my card if they can figure out a better way down the road more power to them I think it's best to keep it simple I don't want another app or to use my phone leaving it vulnerable to be hacked with the many breaches already in banks and stores like Target recently that's something they'd really need to ensure that nothing like this can happen so we will see what the coming years bring.

Hair and how it defines us

Hair is important to us the style we choose the color we dye it the products we use and the cut.  I have to say that I'm tired of my hair. I have naturally curIy hair I've always have struggled with finding the right hair products someone who knows how to cut my hair without making me look like I have a mullet or a pyramid when I wear it down or trick me into using thinning scissors.  I've also tried long layers as short ones will make me look like bozo the clown.  I get annoyed and aggravated because most of the time I wind up just putting my hair in a ponytail or clip the sides up away from my face.  I have tried every product out there and have a hair products graveyard underneath my sink to prove it.  In October I wanted to get a much needed cut and a blow out since it was my boyfriend's birthday and wanted to look nice I was supposed to go to a salon and they never picked up so I can confirm the hours so I settled on going to a local salon big mistake.  I go in there and the $20 advertised in the window shoots up to $30 that's usually how it is when people see my hair I go to be shampooed and conditioned and there's someone ahead of me at no time did they try to maintain my hair wet to ensure a nice smooth blowout.  She starts cutting my hair and I asked for long layers she didn't understand I was done at this point but pressed for time I said to clip the ends only.  I sit in this chair with a ball of frizzy on my head I looked like zzz top or I had just woken up I was so mad I probably could've done a better job myself what saved me is the flat iron I insisted they pass it through several times that's the only thing that salvaged the  botched job.   All through this she passes the thinning scissors through my hair without even asking permission.   The next day I couldn't stand how brittle my ends felt I washed it out.   Fast forward to now I wash and condition my hair and it looks like crap no matter what I put in it. I've even considered getting a Brazilian keratin treatment done but I'm kind of skeptical to do it.  I've been to O uidad salon that specializes in curly hair in 2009 but I really didn't like the stylist or the way they use too much product or blow dryers I also use yelp to read up on reviews and I haven't been pleased with what I've read this plus a hefty price tag I won't be going.  I also went to Christos another curly salon.  I've heard about devachan salon and it's a curly salon in Soho and I did some research on their site as well as read yelp and I've decided to take the plunge and schedule an appointment for a haircut and I'm very nervous because I've gotten bad cuts in the past and it's a nightmare but I'm also tired of looking the same and being so hard to manage. New Year New me I think I owe it to myself to start this year off with a fresh style and fresh outlook.

I've always be identified because of my hair positively or negatively when kids can be mean and while curly hair is a unique feature of me I'd like to finally be able to get a style that I can be proud to wear instead of hiding behind a ponytail. 
There are good stylists out there there are bad ones there are also ones who have attitude and pick and choose who to style my philosophy is if you can't listen or have skill with a pair of scissors don't become a stylist.    I'm hoping for the best at this salon and if all else fails there's always a baseball cap ponytail or keratin treatment as a last resort

post christmas

It's the day after Christmas and I should be in my warm bed and sleeping in but I'm at work with the skeleton crew staff for after the holiday. I missed the deadline to take off but I'm making sure I'm not missing it again next year. It was very hard for me to get out of bed this morning into the shower and out the front door both of us. It was a quiet Christmas like I anticipated it to be. I've been going through alot and my significant other was alone for the second year in a row because his father flew out of state to visit his sister and the rest of his family is out of state. No one should spend the holidays alone and it makes me angry that no one thought of him not even his own father to see if maybe they could help him out with airline tickets, nothing but people are quick to complain why you don't see them often enough I've experienced this and sometimes money has a lot to do with it airline travel isn't what it once was and neither is the cost. I know nothing about the west coast but from what I see the tickets are very expensive. I saw him cry and it broke my heart to see him hurting I tried to make it a good holiday but nothing takes the place of family. My brother showed up on Christmas Eve and I felt tired that day because I had to work you'd think they'd people go home early that day nope not this place. On Christmas Eve I went to pick up the food I'd ordered and it was good food but would I order food again probably not. I'd rather make my own to be honest with you. Christmas Eve he made a lasagna I will give him an A for effort but it didn't come out right while it didn't taste bad it was too much sauce or meat we all ate but he felt bad I said don't feel bad I've done my fair share of bombs in the kitchen many failed attempts at arroz con pollo, pork chops that were like hockey pucks, a cake from scratch that was a stale mess raw on the inside everyone messes up something no one is perfect the important thing that we were together. My son went with his father for Christmas Eve and this is the part of divorce that's never easy splitting the holidays but since this was the first time he'd gotten both holidays off I let him go for Christmas Eve he came home after 3 and I can sense the akwardness I said Merry Christmas to him we opened gifts my son was very happy when he saw the Nintendo Box but still asked where the PS Vita was these kids lol. I told him Santa ran out of them. After he opened his gifts I saw he quickly left and I can see the sadness for a moment there I also felt it too but I tried to focus on my son and his happiness with xmas and serving dinner. Besides the food I made coconut flan for dessert everyone else loved it but me I'm my own worse critic still trying to perfect the recipe. After eating I felt extremely tired almost falling asleep but I'm relieved that the holidays are over I'm hoping that next year the emotional financial situations are better and we are all in better spirits because this year has been a rough one and I am looking forward to a brand new year and a fresh start,.

the grinch

It's Thursday night and I'm home beside the Christmas tree and while everyone has the holiday spirit and is probably doing holiday shopping and food preparations the only thing I have up is my xmas tree and I'm reminded of the holidays by watching many a holiday cartoon special when my son is home or hearing holiday music on the radio but am I in the holiday spirit this year? No. These past few years haven't been easy for me but I think so far this has been pretty rough I didn't even do holiday cards this year I was planning on making a small dinner but even that I've scratched off my list. Have I become the Grinch? A broke Grinch perhaps but also someone who is experiencing a lot of stress sadness disappointment anger frustration in life right now due to financial issues and family issues. Last night was another day another dollar and as I pray every day a safe uneventful commute home with minimal b.s. did the usual unwind prepare dinner do homework with jr bath and off to bed. After putting him down I usually retreat to the TV for some final down time usually consisting of watching my shows of choice Law & Order, CSI, ID, and maybe food network. It was getting close to 11 pm and I'm ready to go to bed and my door opens and it's him again with the same unwanted pest. I was shocked but infuriated because I know I speak English and I made it clear what the rules were in my house I wanted to scream curse but I remained calm and finally my eyes couldn't stay open much longer I tell them I'm going to bed and I got attitude from him and they left and off to bed I went but when you have a lot of shit on your mind and your angry your adrenaline is pumping it took a while but I fell out and got up at 6 a.m. I am officially done! I've had it and today I let this person know that they will have to make other arrangements and they need to get clean and sober and I'm very disappointed with the path that they've chosen to take in their life I ask myself why? why our family? why can't people do the right thing or get their lives together? I'm far from perfect but this is not something I can continue to put up with. I'm now the bad rat because I put my foot down my mother seems to forget that it's my home my rules and rules apply no matter where you live you follow or you get out. I can't believe the amount of guilt family can put on us when we stand up for ourselves. This is doesn't make me love a person any less, it means you need help and while I've tried I can no longer do it and I'm not even qualified to provide the help that's needed here. All of a sudden I'm being made to feel as if I'm ungrateful and I quote my life revolves on my relationship with this new person that made me so angry because it's so untrue. I bust my a** working 35 hours a week to try and survive and it's for MY SON and to keep things running at home and yes this person is a very important part of my life. I have every right to have him in my life, because I as well as everyone deserves to have happiness in their life I went through plenty of toads before we finally met and why should I give that up? I won't. I've learned this lesson many times in my life but in different ways You cannot please everyone. Tough love is the hardest love we have to give but many times it's the love people NEED. I've tried to fight back tears at work and now home yes this bad rat actually is sad and upset besides being angry I actually have feelings too. I also unfortunately work Christmas Eve which totally sucks and the day after so I will be another member of the skeleton crew again. I missed the deadline to take off because it seems like every time I want to save up hours something comes up. My body and mind are exhausted and I'm dire need of a vacation and I'm going to make it happen this year 2014 come hell or high water. This holiday season will be a simple and somber one we plan to order some food from Boston Market this year and while I'd rather make my own especially since I've gotten into the cooking thing me working and life's circumstances just aren't permitting it. I guess there's always next year. Sunday I plan to go to the store and pick up my son's very special surprise for Christmas and I've come to the point that as long he has a nice Christmas with things to enjoy that's what important to me. I try to be thankful for the things I do have but right now what I need is strength and peace to overcome this hurdle right now. 2014 needs to be a healthier prosperous joyous year.

withered wednesday

December has arrived and it's been a long hard year and I wish I had the holiday spirit but I don't not even close towhat it used to be it seems like I'm an indentured servant working to pay rent and bills many a time I cannot coverall of my expenses so one bill will get paid the other will not and I ask myself am I destined to live such a miserable existence? I find myself in a bad mood most of the time wondering how I'm going to manage it all and all I wind up with is a big headache. I roll out of bed in the morning wishing I could just stay in my warm bed and not have to deal with the freezing weather and commuter stupidity. Friday is the office xmas party and I'm not going notonly am I not in the mood but I don't socialize with anyone outside of work past few parties have been boring musical chairs for real,? I'll pass thanks. On monday I got a little bit of xmas spirit when I came home from work to see my son greet me with a red hat and want to decorate the tree which we did and now the cat has a new place to sleep and the other kitten will play with and knock down ornaments. I work xmas eve so more likely than not even though the Latinos celebrate the 24th I will make something for the 25th. I also work the day after xmas which sucks but if I'm still here next year I'm making sure I'm off for both thanksgiving and day after xmas. I submitted copies of my receipts to the greedy jerk and I haven't received anymore threatening mail I guess it's because he knows that he doesn't have a legal leg to stand on I paid it all the rest is up to you. I think one of the few good things goingon in my life is my relationship with my guy he's a wonderful person and source of support he makes me see some of sort of optimism when I don't see or feel none. This weekend I saw some of my extended family which doesn't happen very often due to distance and life overall it's nice to see people but to some degree I feel we are like strangers especially after my grandmother died. This weekend I got into a disagreement with my brother and he left the house. Why is it when you stand up for yourself and put your foot down you're the bad rat well I am now due to saying what I will not allow in my home. It's hard to see someone who was doing so well making all the wrong choicesand is seeing someone whose a bad influence he makes it seem like I've kicked him out which I didn't but wherever you go there are rules to follow he plans to seek another facility I hope he's successful but I've given my home etc and this is not what I deserve in return but that's how families are we take each other for grantedand think family is required to put up with things. I see his absence having a traumatic effect on my son because he's very close to his uncle but the boundaries need to be in place and he needs to worry about getting back on track and taking care of his health issues. I see this situation having a negative effect on the holiday celebrations even though I didn't plan on this happening when something bothers us we have to address it immediately not let things build up that's my fault but only time will tell how things turn out I'm hoping that the coming year will bring me good luck good health new beginning for us and some positivity.

Mundane Thursday

These past few days haven't been easy for me I've struggled with depression for years but after my divorce it seems commonplace that I have a few down days here and there.  I ask myself everyday what my purpose in life is I try to think of a good answer can't seem to come up with one I like the ending to yet.  This the time of year I struggle with this the most b/c the end of the year is here and I start to reflect on what has occurred during the year.  Last week when I returned home from a boring monotous day at work I received a 3 day notice stating that I owe close to 5, 000 in rent the intial emotion I felt was shock from shock to anger and from anger to sadness. I don't owe this money so some would say why I should feel like this it's b/c I feel like I'm stuck living this monotonous routine of getting up getting ready dealing with commuter stupidity to and from all for half of my earnings to go to some greedy slum lord.  All of this while wanting to make sure I'm able to provide for my son and give him some treats for xmas and while that's not the true meaning of xmas as a parent you want to be able to do this.  I read this notice and immediately notify him and he acts as if he knows nothing about which infuriates me and Friday I lost it I just let him have it and told him off how are you trying to get someone evicted during the holidays someone whose a decent tenant struggling to make ends meet while you have someone doing illegal activity and they're not evicted.   I finally return his call only to be referred to a lawyer guilty before proven innocent.  I have the burden of proving I don't owe anything and once I spoke to the lawyer's assistant I was seething with anger as I'm told only images of cashed money orders are valid proof after speaking to the bank my suspicions were confirmed they were cashed. So I ask myself how can a person be this fortunate to have so much yet be a blithering idiot? Trying to scam someone out of money is wrong trying to do it to a hard-working single mother is worse.  I've never seen such incompetence and I'm fighting this till the end I don't have no more to give and I'm certainly not giving to some money hungry absent minded jerk who doesn't know how to handle his accounting and finances.  I've made the decision it's time to go I've had enough already and it's going to be hard to find an affordable apt but I think I've had my time here I need a fresh start and I cheated myself out of this last year but this year will be different.  I want to excel personally and professionally they say when you dread going to a place it's time to move on and I'm there.  I've been there for a long time but due to economic necessity I'm here still.  I feel trapped.

Some people truly don't know how to treat others and some don't deserve what they have they say there is a light at the end of the tunnel I hope there will be a light for me in the coming year.  For now I guess I will keep pushing forward as hard as it is at times keep playing the lottery and hope I win even though that's a big stretch.  Th

to the new mayor

After having 3 terms of the same mayor who I think has never been in touch with the City's working class and working poor. You cannot run a City like you run your own corporation and shame on you for trying to short change your workers who are the ones who run this City without us it wouldn't. This mayor has turned this city into a divided one the very wealthy and the poor who qualify for assistance and there's the working class people who make too much too get any help but are struggling to survive the outrageous rents in this city with no pay raises, no cost of living increases to help ease the burden, and with the new affordable care act which is a train wreck unraveling each day as we tune into the news and media how this administration flim flammed us into believing that this affordable care act was to ease the rising costs of healthcare yet they made sure they could opt out of it why can't the citizens opt out? Why not over paid crooks of congress who got paid while tons of people were furloughed with no income to pay their bills and our president if it's not good enough for you why should it be good enough for us to suck it up and add yet another expense to our already tight budget. Working for the city half of my income goes to pay rent 1,289 for a two bedroom apartment that's not even worth the price they charge for it. it's in a very old community in queens where many of the apartments are in desperate need of modernization and renovation and the building structures are at least over 100 years old. I see a little bit of gentrification trying to sneak in to this area and it infuriates me because I'm struggling to make ends meet and I don't see the city doing anything to ease the burden of the working class people. No one's rent should equal a mortgage payment especially when you're never going to own it. As the years go by the rents are going up but everyone's paychecks stay the same and I've revisited this issue several times over the years and I've considered relocation twice but backed out of it and I think eventually I will have no choice but to leave NYC b/c of the outrageous cost of living, no affordable housing, and the attempt to gentrify working class neighborhoods to price out working class and elderly people who have lived here for generations have made these neighborhoods what they are now are being priced out for the likes of people who want to live a certain lifestyle that they can no longer afford in lower manhattan no more so now the people in the five boroughs pay the price for it. there's a high rise building on Myrtle ave in queens that sticks out like a sore thumb that's practically empty b/c I gather no one can really afford the rents there and a bar that's barely patronized. Such a waste of time space that could've been used for something worthwhile. Mr Mayor Elect please - Take care of your City workers and give us our much overdue pay raise and cost of living increase - Stop all projects Bloomberg had in place to make more luxury housing, this city has tons of skyscrapers and doesn't NEED NO MORE - Replace all Bloomberg staff with new people who share your vision for this City - Make affordable housing accessible to all New Yorkers, make the application process easier and have rental freezes for senior citizens and disabled your net income should be considered using a person's gross income is an insult -Take care of the working class so people like me who don't even earn 40,000 a year don't have to revisit the thought of relocation yet again and give everyone a cost of living increase - Improve our school system and get rid of corruption bureaucracy at the Board of Education - Prevent landlords from charging outrageous rents - Preserve our healthcare coverage the way it is. For those of you who think to say you need to budget better save your breath. I've done it all cut back on things, I search for the sales in the supermarket, etc and it's still a stretch to get by these days and I also have to feed clothe and pay for the school related things that come up when I had babysitting this was even harder. There's has to got to be a better way because the current system isn't working and needs to be changed. Hoping the new administration can right the wrongs of the previous one but as with all politicians lots of promises but to see them fulfilled is another

Thanksgiving and the year ahead

November is here and I can't believe how fast this year flew by.  November is a special month as it's the month my son was born.  He turned 5 this year and it makes me realize how fast time flies and how far he has come it seems like yesterday I was bringing him home from the hospital and yesterday I went to his first parent teacher mtg and I'm proud yet relieved to say that he's doing very well in school academically as well as socially and his strength is in math which I'm very glad b/c numbers and me don't mix and I also attribute that to most children on the spectrum excel in math but regardless of how lr why I'm glad he's excelling became as a parent you always want to see your child succeed and surpass your accomplishments.   I asked questions about the new Common Core curriculum and realized it's not as bad as everyone especially the media puts it out to be but I will leave that for another blog.

Thanksgiving is approaching and this is the time we are supposed to be thankful for what we have I'm thankful for having a job as mundane and annoying things can get. It's better than being unemployed I have my health  and a place to live and this year I'm most thankful for the fact that I've found love again something that I thought I'd never have again it's great to have someone who compliments you someone to laugh with have fun with and cry with as I've shed many a tear this year it's been a long year and it's had it's rough spots but I'm looking forward to a new beginning.  My cooking has improved a lot and I thank YouTube channels and Facebook page pr recipes for this my next challenge will be to make a thanksgiving dinner this year an actual turkey not just the side dishes and desserts we shall see how my attempts at this turn out I've decided to try a turkey breast or a small turkey got the butterball hotline number ready to have with traditional rice and gandules and good desserts.   I'm hoping for a nice dinner and no one needing their stomachs pumped we shall see the results. 

Avonte Oquendo Case

I'm a parent of a child with autism spectrum disorder while my child is high functioning and verbal he can have the tendency to wander off at times if he's distracted by something he likes. He is a regular school in an ICT class (integrated co teaching) which is a mixed class of general education and special education. When I read about Avonte it broke my heart and it infuriated me as a parent of a child with autism spectrum disorder that the Board of Education could be so incompetent and negligent. This is a child who autistic non-verbal and has a reputation to be a runner and wander off is all the reason he should be watched carefully, due to the fact that children with autism do not like a lot of commotion, yelling, screaming, or to be held and touched too much. This child was in a District 75 Special Education School in Queens and it was integrated which makes me question how effective integrating mainstream kids and special needs is. A child like Avonte should have never been separated from his aide and supervised at all times. When our chancellor was questioned about this case he was very evasive about it Why? because he himself knows that Board of Education failed. They failed to protect this child, the aide failed in abandoning him, the security guards, failed to restrain him, and failed this family. Our police commissioner doesn't even consider his missing over 10 days a priority which infuriates me as a parent b/c I'm surprised that an amber alert hasn't been issued for Avonte from the very beginning and now since it's been over three weeks and he hasn't been found yet he says the chances that he's alive aren't very high which I'm hoping as a parent that he didn't suffer a bad fate but I have to wonder why wasn't an amber alert issued if they do it for missing children and missing seniors why not someone who is autistic and non-verbal? At this point I feel if they NYPD hasn't been successful they should involve the FBI I can't help but think even though I don't want to pull the race card if this child was white autistic and missing the efforts would be a lot stronger to find him. This case shows how incompetent, under qualified and how bureaucracies fail in providing our children with the services they need in order to get a proper education. Staff who works for this school should be properly trained to deal with autistic students who sometimes are non-verbal or don't like to be touched or approached aggressively. I'm also surprised that there are people who are judging this family for filing a law suit against the Board of Ed excuse me but if it weren't for their neglience, this family would still have their son. I know people can go over board with filing frivilous lawsuits but in this case it's warranted they must be held accountable for their gross neglience in failure to keep this child safe and in doors. The only thing this mother did was send her child to school and rely on a bureaucracy like the Board of Ed to educate her son and provide a safe environment for him. Everyone involved should be fired and while that may seem harsh and even unfair to some people but when you're hired to do a job you do it and you do it right. Children are precious to their families and if you can't understand that you shouldn't be working in the school system. I'm keeping this family in my thoughts and hoping he is found.

The Modern Latina

October is hispanic heritage month and while I can post something about food culture etc. I decided to go a different route. The modern latina tries to juggle tradition and culture with the american way of life sometimes disappointing relatives and others. I am a modern latina born here in NYC of pr descent and I am single mother of a child with autism a disorder that is not very well understood by the hispanic community or society overall but especially latinos why is this because I think it's due to ignorance lack of available outreach to families and people who refuse to see reality. Most people who would see my son would think he's a brat but he's a child on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum. My child has had many people stare at him thinking this and many other things and it's been a tough road he was past 2 not speaking well I'm a very proactive person who doesn't believe in making excuses or hiding behind denial I got him tested and evaluated and by the end of early intervention we had a diagnosis and a name. Me and his father were determined to help our son succeed at all costs and because of our drive determination to fight the system our child has come a long way and will continue to flourish and reach his full potential because I as his mother will not settle for anything less. I didn't drown myself in self-pity, denial, or think a chancleta, or some other antiquated notion was going to fix my child I took action by being open minded and thinking outside of the box. We all have to think outside of the box sometimes because life isn't always black and white there are many areas of gray too. Eventually me and his father parted ways but that doesn't affect our sense of family it just makes it our own unique situation. These days many people aren't staying married anymore or getting married at all why b/c these days people know they have options out there and don't have to stay in bad situations. Society has changed a lot and we also have to change with society and the times because if we as a community cannot keep up with the changing times, society, and culture how are we supposed to advance and help our youth advance? Working for the City and health department I see how this type of attitude hurts our community thousands of referrals for early intervention rejected by parents who are too ignorant too see how this type of evaluation can help their child succeed that if there's a learning disability or anything it can be addressed at an early age before school begins so that the child can either get the help he/she needs and not slip through the cracks of the public school system like many children do but then in the same breath they can complain about how the system sucks and does nothing to help. We tend to be master deniers ignoring problems thinking that they will go away when they just get worse without action taken. As a modern latina I have a full time job I work 35 hours per week I hate housework and laundry and only do these things because they have to get done. I don't cook everyday if I feel like it I do if not I won't and I don't have an ounce of guilt about it why b/c I work very hard and I'm human and I'm entitled to feel tired and take a break as long my son has something to eat. As a modern latina I was born in NYC and I speak ok spanish not rosetta stone but enough to get by and know if someone is talking smack about me and read and write some as well. Will my child speak it probably not although he does understand a lot of it. Am I worried about what others will think not in the least as it's not their job to assess how "latino/a" I am or anyone else is. I can cook basic dishes puerto rican style beans and rice by following mostly cook books and you tube videos. I can't makes pasteles nor do I even like to eat them. If I needed some I'd probably find someone here locally who is very talented at making them and makes a good amount for a fair price or send money to my grandfather to make some. I embrace my curly hair and I'm not stuck in a salon spending money every week getting it relaxed or blown out I don't have the time money or the patience for it. I don't like the gossip, the stupidity, and most of all the burnt neck ears and time spent there. I also don't like the salon attitudes either. The same blow out that takes 3 hours in a neighborhood salon took me 30 minutes next to my job performed by latina nonetheless who also confesses to me that a lot of time is wasted at the salon and it's usually due to gossip, etc. I also see that hairdressers can be very catty and pick and choose who to work on, ok you must have it good financially if you can afford to be picky but whatever you're not getting my hard earned money lol. I've learned not to expect too much because when we do we are usually disappointed. Another powerful word latinas must learn is NO: No is a very hard word to say to people especially family and friends but NO is neccessary as without we tend to overextend ourselves financially, with events, whatever it is if you're busy, tired, or just don't want to be bothered SAY NO. People may be disappointed but you are advocating for yourself as a person that you cannot and will not take on more than you need to or should. Try it NO is an extremely liberating word If people don't like it that's too bad. WE are women not super heroes or martyrs it's when we try to live up to this that we drive ourselves crazy. Traditions while nice aren't always able to be adapted in today's lifestyle especially in a two parent two income household where both people have to work to keep things afloat. We must be open to change: Change the way we see the world, we must raise our kids to be independent self sufficient and emotionally mature so when they're adults they're prepared to be out there in that world. Not coddle them, teach them that a woman is obligated to pick up after them or be their personal slave or chef or keep them near because of our own insecurities unfulfilled dreams and scared that they may become too independent and not need us. Teach our women and girls to be financially independent, emotionally independent, self respect, have a high self esteem, zero tolerance for machismo, or any other type of negativity that keeps them from being the best they can be. This is the best gift we can give our daughters so they can make it out their in the world. It may not be traditional way of going about things, but in the long run we as a community will be better off for it. As they say knowlege is power, so is indpendence emotional and financial. The modern latina especially this one knows when to say NO when to take a break and have a few good take out menus from spanish restaurants for those days we don't want to be in the kitchen. Drop off laundry service is a blessing and online food shopping another. I've used all of these services to keep my sanity and make things a little easier an extra pair of hands is a blessing but I usually dont have that so I learned to use these things to keep me from going insane. Do what works for YOU and your life.

Chanting fast-food workers protest in Manhattan - New York News

Chanting fast-food workers protest in Manhattan - New York News

I'm all for providing equal rights, equal opportunity, safe working conditions and reasonable wage but these protestors must be clear out of their minds if they think they're getting $15 an hour for working in a fast food joint.  Do you know what impact that would have on the food industry and our wallets? A Big Mac Value menu costs almost $7 here in Manhattan can you imagine paying 10-12 dollars for this b/c they want to be paid $15 an hour. I think their demands are ridiculous and I doubt they will get anywhere with this.  There are people making $15 an hour right now that are struggling to get by living in this city who work in offices, hospitals, every other industry how is someone working in a fast food industry automatically entitled to this amount of pay I understand yes it's a lot of work and hard work at that to keep things running but at the end of the day it is your choice to be employed there too.   I think for the most part most jobs salaries have to do with the difficulty of the job and the skills required to perform the job and pretty much anyone can fill out an application and be trained to work a register, work the line preparing the food, or do housekeeping work and I understand it's hard to get by these days but at the end of the day these people don't realize that they are not the only ones out there struggling and if they insist on being paid $15 an hour they will be out of a job because no one will go to these fast food joints to buy any food there b/c I will be twice the amount of money the meals are now and for that you must as well go to applebees fridays or any other high end restaurant to sit down get a better prepared mail if you're going to pay more $10+ for it.  The only way they're going to see any increase in their salary is if the minimum wage goes up again right now it's 7.25 an hour do I think it's ridiculous yes absolutely I think these rates should reflect the cost of living not only for the time period but for the AREA YOU LIVE IN. NYC, PA, CHICAGO, CA, and any place with metropolitan cities where the cost of living is higher should have higher minimum wage laws in my opinion but this only exists in a perfect world.  I will give them an A for effort and speaking their mind but unless the federal gov't acts I doubt this would happen or the food chain corporations as well.

NYC Democrats square off in final mayoral debate - New York News

NYC Democrats square off in final mayoral debate - New York News

As a voter living here in NYC I'm not happy with the selection of candidates we have running for mayor sadly.  What I know is Bloomberg NEEDS to go already I'm sick of him his bureaucratic nonsense the way he strong armed himself an extra term in office by changing the law to suit his agenda and as a Hispanic sick of the way this man massacres the Spanish language please shut up and get an interpreter or let someone from channel 41 translate or even better if you really want to learn Spanish get Rosetta stone or hire a teacher but please shut up until you can at least sound normal.  The mayoral candidates are also full of scandal first one being disgraced former governor Spitzer how can this man even show his face again in the political scene after what he did during his term as governor?  He lied, did illegal things, and shows he cannot be trusted and definitely not running as comptroller when that position has to do with managing city monies and sadly humiliated his wife and family she was longer over due in giving him the boot.  Weiner would've been a good mayor if he wasn't such a pervert and had some self-control and respect for his wife and their marriage and that alone is disgusting to me how can you lead the City of New York if you can't even keep it in your pants and don't have your own personal life in order this guy needs to disappear and forget about running for office. Bill Thompson is not convincing to me seems too laid back for the job. Christine Quinn is a female version of Bloomberg as she's his right hand now. Liu while has some good things also has been in the media with scandal.  DeBlasio don't know much about him but as a voter I don't see anything good coming out of the mayoral election except one thing being rid of Bloomberg.  I think a lot of these politicians are full of baloney they make a lot of promises but once they're in office nothing is done.  NYC needs affordable housing and not having to go through so much red tape and bureaucracy to get it,  after care programs for working parents, affordable mass transportation the raise the MTA has imposed has done nothing to improve service or ridership so we pay more to get less in my opinion.  City Workers need a revised contract as we haven't had one since 2009 and everything seems to be going up but our paychecks to reflect the cost of living that is increasing nonstop.  Our mayor is a known union buster and our unions need to stop giving back and put their foot down we run the city and if it weren't for us they'd be in trouble.  Bloomberg has tried to run this city as he runs his corporation and that simply doesn't work when you're running a city.  Our children deserve a good quality education not overcrowded schools, underpaid and underqualified teachers, a school system that bases children's educational progress based on some stupid standardized test scores this and social promotion is what setting up our children for failure.  If a child is not at grade level they shouldn't be promoted period why should a child be promoted for meeting minimum standards what type of message are we sending our kids?  Not parents having to supply all of the supplies so that the schools and Board of Ed shell out less money yes that's the reason for these ridiculously long supply lists.  It's sickening and there's no accountability.  Not everyone is a test taker some people are and can pass some just fail out of nerves and stress. Knowing the material taught in the classroom reading and math levels should be the criteria for promoting children not a standardized test if that were the case I would've been left back years ago as I stink in math I think what saved me was passing the reading test.  So if we can find a mayor to properly address all of these concerns I'm on board but frankly to me I'm just not convinced and that goes for both sides democrat and forget about republican candidates as I don't even bother to listen to their rhetoric.   If we had someone who had real solutions to this city's problems I wouldn't even care what politicial side they're on but I'm just not convinced at this point and when you have all of this scandal and corruption surrounding NYC politics overall it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  I'm not even sure I will go to the polls and vote this time around but we will see. 

Police: Baby dies after dad forgets him in car - New York News

Police: Baby dies after dad forgets him in car - New York News

I read this in sadness and anger b/c I have to wonder how many more children have to die b/c of the stupidity of parents like this?  I guess I can't have an impartial or flexible opinion on this issue as I am a parent myself but last time I checked your kids are your # 1 priority their safety their health and well being and quite frankly there is nothing that important that you can leave any child unattended in a car and than you leave this child in a car that has no air conditioning for what to save on gas? Take the child with you or wait till you can leave the child with a sitter or mother.  I think people these days have their priorities in the wrong place these days and some quite frankly have no business having children in the first place they don't have the emotional maturity, financial resources, patience, etc.  I have to wonder what the heck did this guy have on his mind that he "forgot" the child.  There's only one time I can remember this happening was when I was at Walmart in Long Island shopping and we heard an announcement over the PA system saying that there was a child left behind in the store and I got scared and wondered perhaps they had done it on purpose and thought of safe haven laws for unwanted children but it turns out that the parents went home and forgot the child and it was a very small infant they locked down the store as we were leaving we saw the police coming in to the store.  I don't think they made any arrests but I'm sure they let the parents have it once they made it back to the store I'm also sure that they'd be monitored by the child services too.   The message is loud and clear Parents your kids are your #1 priority and everything else is secondary when it comes to your child.  It's a shame that this story will be one of thousands already heard and hoping it will be the last even thought that's kind of unrealistic.

Man sought in alleged Brooklyn forcible touching incident | Metro.us Metro.us

Man sought in alleged Brooklyn forcible touching incident | Metro.us Metro.us

Ladies, how many times have you been on your way to work or where ever destination you're headed to and you come across some pervert getting a little too close to you they take advantage of this especially in very crowded trains on rush hour to find someone trying to either grope you or any other female or rub themselves on you. As a woman I think it's so disgusting, disrespectful and an invasion of our personal space.  This is why I avoid crowded trains and buses overall but these incidents usually take place more on subways.  I always try to be very aware of my surroundings and will be quick to say something if need be.   When I was younger I was the victim of this stupidity.  I was riding on the train to school wearing a skirt tights and shoes and the train was crowded and this guy had the nerve to inapproriately touch grab and feel my behind.  It was embarrassing and infuriating to me as I felt so violated and back in the late 90's cell phones weren't as affordable and accessible as now or have the advanced camera features but I got my revenge when it was time to get off I gave him a good hard kick in the shin and quickly left.  I think this has always been an issue on mass transit as there's been perverts since the beginning of time lol but with today's advanced technology catching them in the act is easier.  I'm glad the victim got to snap a picture of him and I hope the police do catch up with him b/c no one should have to be touched inappropriately and I can bet she's not his first victim but it's her quick thinking that put his face out there and will hopefully get him caught by the police.   Ladies stay safe, stay vigilant, feel free to elbow or kick in the shin if neccessary and let them know you will NOT stand to be disrespected.