at a cross roads

Yesterday was a relatively uneventful commute home but the weather was nasty today I saw a very light coating of snow when I got outside this morning and I sure hope that this is the last of it b/c I'm tired of wearing boots, heavy jacket, etc. It gets to the point that I don't even know how to dress anymore.  I got here early today and punched in 5 minutes before 8 hooray for me.  Today is jr's special instruction session and I'm hoping that he will be more cooperative in this session than he was in the speech session earlier this week.  Most toddlers have the attention span of an ant.  I forgot to take out meat for dinner due to the fact that I was rushing to get ready due to my procrastination on the couch I only have myself to blame for that one but I will have to get take out tonight.  During the morning did my usual work and worked dilligently to get the mail out on time so that I will be able to take it easy now that the afternoon stretch has arrived.  Last night the family drama scenario reared it's ugly head again when he texted me that he had to talk to me about something I knew I was going to get pissed off and it was about the usual bs.  I don't see how this individual doesn't get that she is causing all sorts of problems and putting a strain on two marriages.  I like my peace and my privacy and don't have the space to accommodate anyone I honestly don't even want my own family living with me b/c in the end all it does is cause problems b/c everyone starts out nice and then after everyone gets comfortable people stop being nice and acting like their true selves which isn't always pretty as far as I'm concerned I have enough on my plate to deal with and I think it's very unfair that these individuals don't want this person around and think the resolution to this issue is bringing them to NYC or PA.  He mentioned to me that she says she knows I don't like her and I honestly don't and how we don't get along. I don't hate anyone that's a strong word I dislike a lot of the actions that were and are done and the things said.  You don't offend my mother and think I'm just going to forget about it overnight.  Each time I've made an effort to be nice and forgive and forget these individuals just try my patience even more.  I'm tired of the drama, disrespect and the fact that he refuses to see that this is not a good idea.  The ideas is it's a temporary situation until an apartment becomes available and let's face it this is NYC and apartments aren't readily available and if they are they cost a fortune and knowing my luck it would turn to a time frame I'm not willing to deal with. I've come to a cross roads and that's a scary thought for me the last time I was at a cross roads, our relationship was in very bad shape for a similar issue having to do with them.  We were arguing constantly,  sleeping in separate rooms and we almost broke up until I found out I was pregnant with our son and now what's the excuse?  Coming to a cross roads thinking do I need all of this shit in my life,  why should I continue to deal with not being given my place and dealing with people's ghettoness, stupidity, and ignorance I think I deserve better than this and I certainly deserve to have input and the idea of 3 people having a conversation of what goes on in my house or situation and me not being included really makes me angry.  People seem to forget this is my house and I have the last word! I also think about my child and what's best for him?  I'm not willing to stay in a situation for financial reasons at all, I know I don't earn much working where I work now and I wouldn't be able to afford an apartment on my own without taking on a second job and all of this scares me would I be able to make it on my own?  Parenthood is hard enough when there's two of them it's even harder when you're a single parent and I know a few of them and it's hard for them but they also had situations where they were better off w/o the person.  Then I think about the martial part of it, with most marriages ending in divorce these days it made me think if I were to get divorced our marriage only lasted 3 yrs and I'd feel like a failure together 11 years next month married 3 most people these days aren't like before and while I know marriage takes a lot of hard work it's not like back in the day when people stayed married for years and stuck things through miserable or not now the people realize there are options and plenty of fish in the sea and while I'm not looking to do any fishing now but all of these thoughts are going through my mind.  I've been through break ups before and it's a painful experience so I can imagine what a divorce feels like and when there is children involved worse, they say it's like a death but only difference is you still have to deal with the person and have a constant reminder of the failure of your relationship.  Well last night after everyone was asleep and I was still awake I thought all about this and I thought about it today and it brought tears to my eyes b/c I thought I sure don't want my marriage to end but I don't see myself being in this situation and certain behaviors continuing.  I've thought about marriage counseling but I can imagine what would blow up there and these aren't the only issues as no couple isn't without issues but the family drama is the major one that has caused strife in our relationship.  Weeks will pass with no calls and I think all is cool and boom another call and it drives me crazy that no one has the sense to put this individual in her place and not be willing to turn their worlds upside down that include spouses and kids.   I don't care who you are you can be the nicest most tolerant person but after 3 days a person will start to stink in your house.  I feel very conflicted and I texted him do you value me as a partner and he texts back "highly" and I think to myself well this is a funny way of showing it.  He forgives and forgets well I need work in that department I admit but he is unreal there are people who've said and done things that he stills deal that I wouldn't give them the time of day boggles my mind but it is what it is.  I thought he would get the hint that I wanted to tell him how I felt and I don't like to give ultamatums b/c this usually doesn't have a good outcome but what other choice do I have and I resent this individual for causing all of this our lives are busy and stressful enough and I just don't get how they allow someone to have power over them like that.  People will have as much power over you as you allow them even your parents, but when you become an adult you have to put people in their places and I don't neccesarily mean be disrespectful in going about this.   Well it's 3:00 and I have to finish my day this is to be continued.....