crazy Tuesday

It's Tuesday morning and I named this entry crazy b/c I was sleeping very soundly with jr until I look at my cell and realize it's 6:18.  I overslept.  I got up from the bed went to bathroom tried to get ready as fast as I could.  Once I was dressed it was time to get the boy dressed who always wants to play with toys or open books when I'm at a mad dash for the door the innocence of kids.  Today he brought his potty to me if I wasn't rushing out the door I probably would've put him on it.  They're really emphasizing this at daycare and he goes over there, I just wish he would go at home.  I admit that I'm lazy in this department and I'm not always patient.  A lot of times he just wants to fool around in the bathroom or play with the water in the sink.  I will breathe a sigh of relief once he is potty trained.  I packed gym bag and off to the bus stop which had it not been for people waiting for it I probably would've missed it.  Dropped him off and some how I made it to work on time it's still a mystery to me must've been that the buses and trains were for once working in my favor.  Yesterday I decided to try out the gym in Astoria and suprisingly I got there faster than the place I usually go.  Every location set up is different I have to say Forest Hills is way bigger and the locker room is huge.  I took zumba here last night and it was excellent, the instructor was amazing he did moves that were easy to follow and even though sometimes I mess up I remind myself that this is an exercise class not an audition.  I've taken zumba with 3 instructors and this has been the best so far.  I know they lost a zumba instructor at the other place and didn't like the instructor who was there on Friday so I will try to come to Astoria if I want zumba classes.  So far my quest for fitness and weight loss I had lost 4 lbs but getting on the scale yesterday I gained them back and that felt so discouraging to me.  I see my legs are more toned and I've lost inches in my stomach but I have a ways to go before I'm content with what I see in the mirror.  The diet part is extremely difficult.  Friday night we went out to Fridays and I couldn't believe how hard it is to eat counting calories.  Average calorie intake is 2,000 calories some of the entrees had half or close.  I was told to stop drinking juices, eating carbs,.  A lot of hispanic foods are full of carbs and it's hard not to eat rice or beans now I guess I have to think of other ways to prepare foods I was thinking of joining weight watchers but as I've said before I'm not sure if I can afford to do both.  My other weaknesses is sweets.  I love candy and icecream.  I started eating frozen yogurt now I go to the red mango over here were I work or Tasti Dlite and it's pretty good kind of tastes just like regular icecream without all the calories.  I'm also a snacker at my desk so I try to buy healthy snacks or fruit for those mid morning cravings.  It's hard to dedicate more than an hr on a class or do machines when you work during the week and when you have children it's even harder.  I'm going to try to do the machines in the gym where I work b/c it's kind of empty at lunch time.  Classes are for after work as I don't want to feel rushed and risk being late from lunch.  I'm doing this for my health but it's also my time for myself and to ease my mind of any stress that I feel and I sure been feeling it a lot lately.  I feel as if I don't know what direction my life is going, this past weekend was another exchange of text msgs very hurtful comments directed toward me and I feel as if he's tryingto make me pay for my reaction to his betrayal.  He has never had real ownership of what he did to me, and he's trying to use this as a crutch and an excuse not to own up to his actions.  I was very depressed this weekend and my tears burned the pillow b/c I never imagined things would get this bad, they've been bad before but this has been the worse.  I guess finding fault with everything about a person is a distraction not to address your own faults.  I'm by no means perfect who is? I finally spoke to someone at the counseling center and we have an appointment for next week and I'm nervous b/c this can help us or as I've said before it can help close the door on the relationship.  I think we need to talk about these things in a controlled environment b/c I realize when it's just us I let my emotions get the best of me we start arguing.  Not saying it wouldn't get heated in a session but I'd try my best to keep it under control.  Sometimes I ask myself why I'm even bothering since he's said to me he doesn't feel the same way about me, and that was a stab to my heart and my ego.  I do still have feelings for him even after all of this they may not be intense as they once were but they're still there.  So I'm giving it one last shot I think we should've gone to counseling years ago and I fear that maybe this is an effort that has come too late.  If it's not marriage stress it's family stress and it's very overwhelming.  I'm flying down to Florida next month and it's a economic and personal sacrifice.  He's not coming with us due to the situation and that is very sad b/c the quality of the trip isn't going to be the same.  He says he doesn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable no you don't want to feel uncomfortable.  I wonder how he's going to react when our son realizes he's not coming with us in the airport and he starts crying.  I'm sure he will feel guilty but it will break my heart too.  I've been told that I should try to see things from his point of view and I wasn't betrayed I disagree with that statement.  I was betrayed when you lie to someone you're betraying that person's trust.  I know it would've been a hard pill to swallow but had he been honest about it I probably would've had a different reaction and had he not decided to take this an excuse to try to break me down and make me feel as if I'm the only who is at fault maybe I wouldn't be so angry and resentful.   This month is jr surgery for tubes to be put in his ears, the district mtg which determines what services he gets and I have to say that I wasn't convinced by that man's phone call from early intervention it seems as if they want to give my son the minimum in services and that pisses me off b/c I was counting on the fact that they would put him in a pre-school setting.  I have a feeling I'm going to have to fight these people and considering all that I'm feeling now here's another thing I have to worry about.  I'm going to ask for justification letters from both therapists.  I resent the fact that they had their own evaluators come in we should've just stuck with the ones who currently work with him if anything their opinions are what matter most.  Well it's past 9 and I've got to get to work hoping this week goes fast as I look forward to the long weekend I can sure an extra day of rest.