a new beginning

Yesterday was my first day back and the commute was uneventful I stood home Monday b/c I really didn't feel like dealing with the subways as they were just restored earlier that morning and there was a lot of delays. Since I found out about jr's diagnosis I spoke to the service coordinator and jr will be getting a new therapist and therapy will be more intensive and they will be coming in 5 days a week and I don't really look forward to that b/c it doesn't give me much free time during the week but the therapy is important and neccessary. Today will be jr's last session with one of his therapists and I will miss working with her, she was always friendly professional and he made a great deal of progress with her. I texted her last night to confirm the time she was passing by and I thanked her for services and she says he's made a great deal of progress. It's kind of sad but this is a new beginning and I'm hoping that he will have a good connection with the new therapist since they will be there everyday. It's always scary when a new therapist comes in b/c you never know how jr will react even though he's usually very sociable with most people. Yesterday I was very late to work and made every effort to get up on time today so I can wash last night's dishes and pots empty the trash and clean out the cat's box these are things I should do at night but I'm too tired and lazy from working and the commute. I saw a moth flying around in the house which was gross and the cat went crazy trying to catch it she even jumped in the bath tub and she got it and ate it! I was so grossed out I spanked her on the butt. She ran of course and after I was done showering she still expected to be fed of course. Jr gets up and gives me the usual run for the money to get dressed but out the front door. I miss the bus of course and wait for the next I get to the sitter drop him and it's off to dunkin donuts to pick up breakfast before the next bus and I go in and I see this guy our eyes meet and he keeps staring at me I'm like wth is he looking at inside my mind of course he seems nice but everyone has a type of guy they look for after that I run to catch my bus b/c I don't want to miss yet another one. I managed to be a few minutes late but better than yesterday b/c staying a half hr late is boring. This week he told me that he wants to start the process for the divorce and once again I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I feel sadness and cried but sadness turned to anger and the other bunch of emotions I feel b/c it's only been a week since I returned from vacation and as it's not bad enough that you did the cowardice thing of ending our relationship over the phone, I'm also trying to absorb my son's diagnosis and now the divorce proceedings I'm wondering what the heck the rush is, is there someone else? is always the thought that comes to mind. We exchanged text msgs last night he says that he's not trying to screw me over and wants to see me happy which I don't get b/c if you did wouldn't we still be working on our relationship? This evening will be the counseling session and I'm sure this is not going to be easy. I'm going to try my best to hold it together and not get emotional but that's not always easy. I plan to write everything down once again to stay focused. The good thing is I will be going to the gym before the session which is a good thing b/c I will get to work out and after I work out I'm usually tired but relaxed and usually in a better mood than when I don't. Today I went on the match web site and saw another person who caught my eye I read their profiles which both were interesting and we're both astrologically compatible but I realize I'm no where near ready to give my heart to someone else and this is for entertainment purposes only, I don't let people in that easy and most of my relationships have been long term b/c I'm not someone who jumps from guy to guy or bed to bed as some people do. Someone told me to think about what I want and post in a profile but since I'm not quite ready yet it just might inspire me to do a blog posting about it. Everyone is seeking respect love and acceptance and to find someone who will love you for you isn't easy. There are always people who want to play games and have baggage and it's a gamble we all take when we're on the quest for a companion. Sad how within a few weeks you're life changes just like that I would've never thought I would even be writing about this let alone experiencing it. Being alone isn't easy but I've gotten a little better with sleeping at night usually b/c most of the time I'm so tired the bed is calling my name to think about anything else. I can't wait for Friday to come and this is a good weekend b/c it's a long weekend due to Labor Day weekend. I could use the extra day of rest. I can't believe 9 months of the year has just flown by tomorrow is September 1st. Time as you can see waits for no one.

Irene Aftermath

Well it's over Irene passed NYC and is now some place else. Friday I went to the local Stop & Shop in my area and couldn't believe how stupid the people were acting you would think that they were preparing for the apocalypse. I understand people are afraid and want to be prepared but some people overreact 3 carts of water is a little overkill and stores are also to blame b/c they don't stock enough items like batteries, water, etc. I hate grocery shopping on any given day so I hate it even more when I have to encounter empty shelves when I looked for canned goods and no water and people acting like idiots. Saturday I got some last minute things at the store and went to get some batteries and candles after going to 3 cvs stores I finally find batteries in the 99 cts store which he sarcatiscally says would only last an hour well thank goodness I didn't have to use the radio b/c I was fortunate to not lose power so I just kept watching coverage on TV. However the other residents in low lying areas or by the water weren't so lucky got flooding and power outages plus some uprooted trees and damage to roads. A friend of mine is still without power and I'm hoping that Con Ed will work dilligently to get power restored to all that lost it. This is was the first time except for transit strikes that our transit system was ever shut down but it had to be done for everyone's safety. Transit service resumed today @ 6 am with limited service and a whole bunch of delays and I honestly didn't feel like dealing with all of that chaos so I decided to stay home and hope that by the end of the day they have worked out most of the kinks and I will able to go to work tomorrow. It was scary b/c there was a lot of heavy rain and wind which is why I slept in the livingroom that night and it was very hard to get any sleep but I think that city gov't prepared everyone well and took the neccessary precautions and while it could've been a lot worse we should thank the lord it wasn't but we still have clean up and other issues to fix to get the city back on track and for those morons who claim that the city overreacted well the city took the neccessary precautions to make sure everyone was safe and had they not you all would complain that they hadn't which proves the statement you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Yesterday afternoon I went outside to the corner store and the winds were still very strong just those few steps and I felt like I was going to be blown away. I'm relieved that it's over and everyone can get back to their normal routines. Imagine how the people in the south and midwest feel that they get hurricanes, tornadoes, etc. all the time and the effects are a lot worse than category 1 or tropical storm status. Let's hope things will be uneventful for a while until the real fun begins over here winter and the snow storms and trying to navigate in snow and clean up from it.

MTA To End Subway, Bus Service At Noon Saturday

MTA To End Subway, Bus Service At Noon Saturday

I'm not looking forward to dealing with hurricane Irene or it's effects but as a city employee many of my co-workers have been bombared with phone calls from OEM asking them to report to shelters to work and I'd really like to know how'd they expect us to get there when there is a system wide shut. MTA as much as I loathe them is what moves the city of NY and without no one is going anywhere no one is going to risk their lives getting in a car with rain and winds at high speeds like that I know I wouldn't. A system wide shut down is going to cripple our city and when Monday comes I'm hoping it's up and running so I can get to work provided the after effects aren't too bad but I as well as millions of others can't go no where without the MTA. I will go to the store today and stock up on water canned goods and batteries and I'm sure I will be faced with plenty of chaos as well b/c the media also loves to put the fear into people. I hoping everyone in the North East area has what they need, takes their evacuation order seriously if you live in that zone, and stays safe.

Earthquake Felt in New York City

Earthquake Felt in New York City

The last thing I and millions of other New Yorkers ever expected is that we would experience the effects of an earth quake. It was a sunny busy lunch time in the city where there's tons of people all over the city walking up and down the streets. I went to sit down in the park and eating my frozen yogurt when I felt a rumbling underneath the park bench but I didn't think anything of it since the subway is close by. I then see a man running into the park saying the buildings were shaking. I walked back to work and see everyone in the office in the street heading toward the park and I saw tons of people evacuated from every office building in the area and I naturally thought b/c I work in the downtown area by ground zero that this was terrorist related and considering it that's close to 9/11 was also scared. I have to say that I sure wouldn't want to experience the real thing. According to the news our buildings meet certain guidelines to withstand a quake not like I'd want to be around to confirm this but another scary thing was no one cell phones were working it was ridiculous. I kept getting busy signals, dropped calls, only text was working. I think only Verizon customers had service and even some of them there was problems. It made me want to switch my provider yet again but Verizon is way too expensive but they have the best service in the area. So much for the now network and 4G. Having a cell phone is usually for emergencies as well as daily talking but when it doesn't work in an emergency kind of defeats the purpose. Eventually the department of buildings cleared us to go back in you'd think our mayor would've sent us home but that's asking for too much.

the long awaited diagnosis

Today was jr's evaluation at the Child Development Center in a queens hospital. Whenever you think that it's something it always turns out to be the opposite. I got the news I've wanted to hear for the longest time and it turned out to be the news no parent wants to hear. Jr was diagnosed with PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder) and it falls under the umbrella of autism. I'm devastated. I just want to scream and cry but I was at my desk at my work so I just silently cried at my desk. We always knew there was something that they weren't catching but I just thought it was hyperactivity or ADHD never in a million years I'd expect this response and I'm still trying to digest it. I feel sad, angry, and question why my child, why us? why now? The doctor hasn't graded the evaluation yet but this is her diagnosis based on her observations and while I'm still trying to process all of this b/c I listened to him on the phone and when he said that I felt like I had been punched in the stomach so the sadness shifted into anger. Anger b/c these incompetents at the Board of Education first b/c they denied my son the services that he really needs with no real reason but I also think that besides them being incompetent and wanting to provide the bare minimum of services to kids and families I don't even think my child was properly evaluated and had he been properly evaluated perhaps he would be in a center based school setting well now that we have a name and a diagnosis it's a small relief so at least we know what the next step is he will need the school setting, transportation and additional therapy services than what he's getting now and I now have to look for a CPSE advocate b/c now is when the fight with the Board of Ed and the system is going to begin and I've got my boxing gloves ready for them. No one is going deny my child services just b/c no one wants to do their job anymore but wants to get paid or due to red tape and bureauracy. I tried contacting the service coordinator but just got a voice mail seems like no one picks up their cell phones anymore and I really hate speaking into voicemail I always mess up and have to delete and re record the msg. I can only imagine how many other families the Board of Ed and EI have gotten away with doing this to and it's ridiculous. It makes me realize that you have be to professional yet aggressive and persistent and we the only real advocates for your children are had we not pushed this issue my son probably wouldn't have gotten any additional evaluations. People who go into the professions that help children should do exactly that not nickel and dime people out of things they need like this idiot psychologist did to us now I can see why people rather not even deal with the city and state and go through their private insurance or sacrifice and pay out of pocket you get better services and treated better. I have the woman of Queens EI to thank for this evaluation and hope that things will progress from here. It's an immense amount of stress to be under especially when everything else seems to be going wrong like him moving out. You would think this a time when we should be closer than ever but we are not. I felt the effects of my stress today when my stomach started acting up that's like my body is telling it's just too many things at once. As this week comes to a close I feel disappointed with all that is happening it seems like when it rains it pours and I don't know if I can take on anything else at this point. We are also going to have change our parenting strategies since I've read a little on the topic and now kind of notice little behaviors that were a sign but I was blind to b/c we're not professionals but certain tactics don't work with kids on the spectrum but they always have to have consistency. They say life is a journey but this is one journey I'd rather not take but have to for the well being of my son.

tired thursday

It's thursday and I feel so tired and I didn't even complete a whole week of work. I couldn't sleep last night and insomnia is the worst especially when you need to get up early the next morning. I guess I fell asleep eventually but it wasn't a good rest and all that I have in my mind and on my plate doesn't help things. I get up this morning dragging to get ready and jr woke up on his own and I got him ready emptied trash and was out the door to catch my bus only to miss it b/c I got delayed with the trash. Since I've gotten back Monday I've been in a fog my suitcases are still unpacked so I've been living out of them and I spoke with a friend yesterday which helped me a little but there are times of the day where I feel really down and depressed. Tomorrow is jr visit at the child development center and I still haven't received the referral for the visit and I called the office some time last week or before requesting this information and the dr acted liked he didn't know what I was talking about meanwhile I had spoken to him a few weeks back this is very annoying when you have to deal with the incompetence of other people and I'm not rescheduling this appointment b/c LIJ doesn't have openings until October and the sooner the evaluation process starts the sooner we can know what steps to take depending on the doctor's findings. I'm hoping to hear from them by the end of the day. Closed the joint acct yesterday and I didn't expect that I'd be without a debit card until it came in the mail it feels weird b/c I'm not used to paying in cash I've gotten so used to swiping a card that it feels weird to me. Things are slow here and that doesn't help at all b/c the day drags on and I feel sleepy unless I'm talking to someone or I put on my mp3 and listen to music while I work. I dropped of jr today and I got no apology from them for canceling at the last minute which is totally inexcusable. If I had it my way I would've found another provider a long time ago. I'm crossing my fingers that he's able to go to a program or headstart b/c I'm kind of tired of dealing with group home daycares while they're a less expensive option and are licensed by the city they're like a franchise some are run very well and the people are professional and others like to make up the rules as they go along and very disorganized. Sadly many parents choose them b/c of the cost since many of these schools make their tuition so ridiculously expensive that it's out of reach for most parents especially single parents. Today it looks like it's going to rain it feels more humid than usual so that's a sign of rain made sure I had my umbrella with me and I'm crossing my fingers that it's not thundering and lightning like one time I had to see my therapist I get out of the train and it looked like a river on Queens Blvd and I saw the bolts of lightning and loud thunder I stood under a scaffolding until it stopped and was safe to walk. This session I will discuss what has happened up to this point and I'm hoping that maybe even someone in the office can help with the housing information. This weekend I have my work cut out for me :( which consists of unpacking my suitcases and giving the place a good cleaning. I'm trying to keep the laundry under control so that I'm able to either do it myself or drop it off and keep the cost down we'll see how that works. I hope to be back in the daily swing of things next week. I'm trying to get back on track with the diet and exercise but the diet needs work. I've been bad and last night I ate sweets late which is a definite no no but I can be an emotional eater as I said last night which is something I have to stop. When I looked at the calories on the package of cookies it was only 2 in a pkg I couldn't believe it but they were good going down. I also want to clear out more things in the apartment but this is going to take time. I've decided to let him keep the lap top I have the old pc at home but eventually I want to get a lap top or netbook, I even pondered getting a mac air book or ipad2. I love Mac but they're expensive as heck and I have not a clue of how to work on them. My aunt in Florida has a Mac and it's gorgeous I went to her house to try to use the internet and I stood there frozen trying to figure out how to get on the internet thinking where the heck is the blue E for internet explorer or any other browser well I didn't figure it out until after the fact that the Mac browser is Safari. Well at least I learned that much so I'm still pondering that choice until I at least have some more money or get some additional training. I do like portability of a lap top or ipad. I also wish Verizon wirless wasn't out of reach to me b/c they're one of the best services out there but with my credit and their high priced plans especially data it isn't cost effective this earth quake scare made me ponder switching yet again b/c my phone was a joke that day. Busy signals dropped calls only texting for a while so much for the now network and 4G. Now they're talking about hurricane Irene give us some time to absorb the quake first and possible evacuations since I don't live in any towns near water I don't feel scared but I've seen how bad weather can affect things I just want to make sure I have enough food supplies in the house just in case. Just got a call from the therapist about the cancelation and I felt bad about it and told her about our situation I told her it was better to talk to him directly I really don't feel like dealing with him and since HE is the one who ended things let him face the music and explain to her the reason behind his actions and if he wants to continue. I know I will continue on to heal and improve my own mental health and self-esteem. It's after 10 and I got to start getting to work.

insomnia

It's late at and I should be asleep but I can't seem to fall asleep today was a typical morning of dragging myself out of bed and trying to get Jr ready and out the door. I made pretty good timing into the city but today was a slow boring day which just makes the day drag. Today was the counseling visit but we never made it there. I get home early wash up eat and I get a text saying these two geniuses at the daycare canceled. I was furious at all of them this douche actually expected me to go and get our child after my commute claiming he was 20 min away well bus took forever to show he said I should've walked yeah ok there I show up there and she doesn't look sick at all if there is one thing I hate is liars but bad liars are the worst after barely being acknowledged I got Jr and left and walked home the cool breeze made the walk tolerable unfortunately we exchanged insults over texts not my most shining moment but I have a feeling this was done on purpose if not bad timing I tried my best to call and leave a msg but I never got a call back so I'm sure she was upset since visit was confirmed. As if my evening wasn't stressful enough Jr ate something he shouldn't have and vomited I had to clean it up which is torture in itself. Bath story and to bed. I finally got to watch tv and unwind but I just can't sleep I have too much on my mind I guess. Being alone isn't easy especially at night when I go to bed I hear it all Jr sleeps like a log but I have to start getting used to being alone now. I called 311 about housing got no where so I got to keep looking. It probably doesn't help that I ate sweets which are my weakness but I tend to do emotional eating sometimes. Tomorrow is visit to the therapist and I'm going to take advantage of it to blow off some steam I just got back from vacation and I already feel like I shouldn't have come back here which is sad. It's almost 12 and I hope I get up on time going to try and get some much needed rest

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back home

Monday it was very hard to leave Florida my mom and everything behind. I was very sad and Jr started crying when we said gbye and started walking to the TSA line and I waited what seemed like an eternity to board the plane and we finally did the flight wasn't bad but trying to keep Jr occupied is no easy task but thank goodness spongebob was on so it helped a lot but like most toddlers whose attention span is very short after it finished I tried my best and after we landed we saw his father and all I got from the him was how was your flight? I took a look at him and thought who the heck is this guy? He had these sun glasses on and and a armani x tshirt and I thought wow this is definitely not the man I married. I tried hard to maintain my composure and I was good for a while. After getting lunch and passing an akward situation Jr was dropped at sitter so we can have "the talk" about child support finances the apartment and as much as I tried not to tear up I did I never thought I'd even have to have a conversation like that. He wants me to type up an agreement but I've talked to someone who said its a trap so I haven't done it yet until I research further. He also mentioned that when Jr became a teen he wanted custody of him b/c he needed a male role model that pissed me off b/c he doesn't need custody to be a role model. I will never give him up so he can keep waiting for that. I now feel a lot of pressure from him to find about housing and rental assistance which I think is unfair I didn't expect this to happen and the application process is long annoying and the places where they put you aren't in the best areas of town. I'm feeling so many different things sadness anger resentful of what I face now. Being a parent is hard but being a single parent is even harder and I really didn't want to have to go to they system and ask for help b/c I have in the past and it can be a very demeaning and stressful experience as you're just another case # to these people they act as if they're giving you money out of their own pocket. I don't look forward to this but I know that I don't earn enough to able to afford my current place on my own. These past two days its been weird to feel alone in my apt but I'm going to have to get used to it especially at night when it's time to go to bed. We're supposed to see the counselor today I'd like to see his explanation he has for her something tells me this session will not be easy today but I just have to face the music just totally sucks when you go through all of the trouble to get help I'm a go getter I saw this through even when it didn't seem like there was ever going to be someone who could work with our schedule only to be given this news by him it's like a slap in the face to my efforts. I am not sure what the outcome will be today and if it this ends here I will not be surprised but I will continue my own road to healing with my own therapist. It's going to be a long process but I'm sure I will get there eventually.

going home today

Yesterday I spent my last day here resting blowing off steam and doing a whole bunch of packing and organizing and I hate packing which is why usually other ppl organize my bags like my mother and him but now I will have to become a packer myself. Some things didn't fit and not to pay for another bag the rest will be sent in a box. This is the part I hate about traveling the packing the new restrictions and the saying goodbye. My son was up early and full of energy of course and I'm hoping he will behave on the flight back and my luggage will arrive intact and while I'm not looking fwd to seeing him at all I'm going to try my hardest to be strong and together especially for the child's sake. I know it will take me a few days to get back into the swing of NY life but I do eventually and can only hope that there's not a ton of work piled up waiting to greet me tomorrow but I will just do as much as I can until I get back on track. In a little while I will be on my way to the airport which is way less hectic than jfk so I don't feel too stressed. Change is never easy and we become creatures of habit but life throws a lot of unexpected curve balls our way and trying to manage isn't easy. Im hoping for a smooth safe flight and hoping the rain has cleared in the north east b/c I sure don't feel like dealing with delays especially with a toddler.

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the time has come to return

As my vacation comes to a close I realize that they are never long enough I was able to get a well deserved break from the daily city rat race of commuting and work and enjoy the slower pace sun and scenery of Florida. I got to see my grandfather his wife and my aunt which was an unexpected surprise but as they left I felt very sad b/c its not often that we get to spend time like that together due to distance and everyone's things going on in life. Although there was some minor drama which is a normal occurence for most families we enjoyed each others company and my grandfathers excellent pernil and rice with gandules. I also got to talk to my brother and realize that he really needs to get some help and I'm hoping maybe the therapist can point us in the right direction. They asked about him and I of course said all and he are fine even though everything is everything far from okay why burden them and bring myself down while they're here. Sad part is I never imagined that when I went away that my marriage would end and I'd be faced to absorb the shock and pain but I realize had I been home in nyc I would feel a lot worse having been around family helped a little but I have a lot to deal with when I return to NY and a part of me doesn't even feel like going back but I have to go its my home and I have to face the music and impact of this. Yesterday he asked what my decision was and I sent him an email telling him he has to move out it was the hardest thing I ever had to do but to continue to live under the same roof isn't beneficial to anyone involved I got very emotional as I typed this and made so many revisions but finally hit the send button and thought about what I said and how it would be received but I got a one sentence response saying he respects my decision I would've expected more elaborating on what I expressed and I tear up as I write this but not everyone is the same and perhaps the less said the better at this point. This is only the beginning of what's to come my way and I know I'm going to have to be very strong even when I feel like I cant. It seems like everyone's relationship is breaking up I found out someone else is separating too and it hurts b/c I didn't want this but sometimes ppl lose their way they grow apart or they simply can't have a meeting of the minds. We made a trip to Walmart so we can all get stuff but for me to get some last minute things for Monday and I found myself looking at a thing I knew he'd asked for and then I caught myself and remembered its over and kept going through the aisles. It is going to be hard to leave overall and I will not forward to leaving my mother once again but while it will be sad I know she will be in ny in October. It's going to be an adjustment of getting back into the nyc life commute and work and I also have to get back into my gym routine and diet which I didn't really keep up well during my stay but will have to resume and getting used to fact that I'm no longer part of a couple. I looked at a dating web pg and read a few profiles saw a few nice faces some not so nice and realized everyone is looking for love and someone to respect love and share life I also noticed a common trait most of these guys my age had at least one kid maybe more and were divorced. Very sad statistics but it will be a long while before my heart is healed and whole again to let someone in if ever happens with being alone also comes a new sense of vulnerability and mistrust of the opposite sex. Right now I will try to weather through the storm of all of the different emotions I'm feeling and keep my son and getting his services my top priority and now that my mother will be back it will at least ease the pain even if its just a little bit. It's been a long day and I'm going to start settling down and try get my mind off of things.

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the beginning of.the end

Since I've been on vacation I've been able to relax and get away from the city rat race work and.appointments I feel more relaxed and nice surroundings help a lot but I got some news I wasn't expecting over the weekend Mr x called me and.asked if we.could "talk" and asked if I can go somewhere private little did I know how this conversation would progress b/c I figured we had agreed to.go to marriage counseling to sort out the issues but as the talking progressed he told me it was over my marriage is officially over and I find this out while I'm hundreds of miles away on vacation I was told there is no "right" time for this but not to wait till I return to NY or after my birthday which is today to give me such news just tells me that ppl really don't care I guess when a break up is mutual and there are no feelings left it makes things easier but I'm not the one who wanted to end things and much to my disappointment I guess my efforts to seek counseling were in vain which hurts me even more we only went to two sessions and he still wants to go so we can able to co parent our child. I've shed a lot of tears and feel like a failure ppl tell me I shouldn't but I do like a lot of ppl out there when I got married I thought it would be forever and while we had rough patches I never imagined I'd be at this point now I was told that we are avoiding the inevitable and as I've had time to analyze that remark maybe its true maybe some things are beyond repair but I figure this would be something I'd hear after months of counseling but not two visits which makes me think either a person already has their mind made up or there are other alterior motives behind this and I've had my suspicions for a while but no concrete proof of this even though he denies it I wouldn't be surprised if it came out down the line b/c everything comes to the light eventually. I went on fb yesterday to wish a friend a happy bday only to find myself deleted which is no surprise to me. I go into my account to find out he used my debit card w/o me knowing and the total was over $100 and that infuriated me b/c if I'm not good enogh to be your wife my money isn't either. I told him. off by text msg and while many consider it hiding through technology its easier than gettinkg into a volatile phone conversation. I told him he was going to pay me for every transaction posted which I feel is only fair. Life can change when you least expect it 11 yrs of my life g in the blink of an eye so I ask myself where do I go from here ? It's going to be a tough journey ahead as I have a lot of decisions to make and life is never going to be the same the thought of being alone scares me the thought of being a single parent scares me too but I have to be strong and roll with the punches b/c this is just the beginning of many scenarios like hearings signing of papers etc and trying to stay on top everything without going nonuts so a lot of financial cut backs as well b/c I'm going to have to get used to living off what I earn which isn't much and the high cost of living of nyc doesn't help this at all but its something that I'm going to have to get used to the only good thing I have to look forward is when my mother moves back to nyc there isn't a better time that I need here than now. My only priority is my son right now and that will never change divorce or not but I know that I will be alone for a while and I doubt I will ever get married again this whole experience has left me with a bad taste in my mouth and it just set my standards higher so it pretty much means its all about me and my son for a long time for another man to win my heart he would have to be pretty special as I don't trust or open up easily to men. A new chapter is about to begin

one week down another left

It's Saturday and I can't believe it's been a whole week since I got here on the 8th how time flies by so fast well vacations are never long enough in my opinion.  Since I've gotten here I've been just lounging relaxing spending time with my mother, she's enjoying her grandson and sees and acknowledges what a handful he really is! LOL. I've actually gotten a mini vacation from the internet since I didn't bring my laptop with me this time but relaxation has been my top priority.  Today we did a mini lunch and celebration for my cousins birthday and mine will be next week.  It was nice to see family I don't get to see often.  It will be hard to leave when the time comes but I know by October or when ever it is she will be back in NYC again.  I really wish things could've worked out here b/c this is a welcome break from the fast pace of NYC.  The nice paved roads and highways, the beautiful trees, wildlife and shops.  I've been trying to keep track of my diet since I've been here since we all can go off routine while on vacation but I've been a little bad with it I've done worse.  Did a weigh in at the local supermarket no weight gain so that's good.  The pool is great and I hope to go to big recreation ctr before I go but we'll see.  Today he called but spoke only to jr not me kind of took offense to that but I'm not sweating it I thought of what the therapist said to me not to let anything or anyone get to me and so far it's worked.  Well jr is here and about to "type" on the keyboard so I will end it here.  Looking forward to enjoying the second half of my vacation. 

Sesame Street: Bert and Ernie 'Do Not Have a Sexual Orientation'

Sesame Street: Bert and Ernie 'Do Not Have a Sexual Orientation'

It never ceases to amaze me the ridiculous things we hear in the news these days.  Some people need to seriously get a life.  Sexualizing Sesame Street creatures that have been in on television for 40+ yrs. that have brought smiles and joy to children is something that really boggles my mind.  I've never stopped to think about this ever I loved watching Sesame Street as a child and even as an adult this never crossed my mind.  What is it with people these days it seems like everyone has reverted back to jr high days.  Now with the legalization of same sex marriage and please don't take as if I'm against that but everything has a time and a place and I don't think it's with children's cartoons it seems like these idiots want to create a relationship between cartoon characters that's simply not there and get a survey going on voting for them to get married.  I think we've lost the innoncence in cartoons and in things overall these days.  I think the children's television workshop who are behind Sesame Street needed to come down hard on the idiot behind this crusade.  Children need to be children and issues like this need to be addressed age appropriate.  Get some therapy and your priorities in order SMH. 

arrived in the sunshine state

I'm happy I finally arrived and I'm on vacation so many things and preparations leading up to this trip Sunday was busy packing housework and last minute cleaning I was exhausted Sunday only to wake up yesterday to do last minute packing of snacks and last minute purchases since everything at the airport is ridiculously overpriced I priced a nestled pure life sports bottle @ $2.19 we get to the airport and the check in lines are moving slow which adds to my stress thinking I will miss my flight than going through tsa lines was actually uneventful but once past the gate and not too much cheap options for lunch I heard the first boarding call so we ran to our gate and boarded and once seated Jr began to cry I guess he was scared of the plane but he calmed down eventually I took out snacks and juice boxes it was a challenge keeping him occupied and I think the kid in front of him was annoyed by him wanting to keep opening and closing tray I noticed father offered to change seats but ppl tend to forget that its hard to keep a toddler occupied once they gave out snacks he devoured the bag of mini chocolate chip cookies and I sampled a new snack called popcorn chips they taste like popcorn in a chip will look for the bigger bag :). I sort of wish spongebob would've been on he probably could've stood still longer but I was happy for safe flight and smooth landing. It's a breeze to navigate jax airport compared to jfk and I was happy to see my mother aunt and uncle the weather was very hot and humid but to be expected for August and this trip is bitter sweet as he is not with us this time and that's sad before we left he said goodbye to jr and I saw his eyes water and a part of me felt bad but it was his choice not to be a part of this trip which I think was made based on anger which is why it's not good to make choices when we are very angry and I hope that if things get better he will be a part of other trips but overall I'm glad to finally be here and on vacation I fell asleep fast as trips take a lot out of you I got up this am and sat out in the sun watching the ducks in the lake its a welcome break from city life and I look forward to enjoying it it feels good to relax and do nothing for a change

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last day of work

Yesterday was a pretty quiet day at work and the weather seems to be heating up again I felt it yesterday during my walk to McDonald's the walk to Greenwich st and back is Cardio in itself I wanted a burger hadn't one in a while but then I start reading calories and get chicken again. Seems like that's all I do these days is read calorie content before I eat anything. I lose 3 more lbs which is a good thing and if I stay on track keep drinking water along with everything else more should come off. I cleaned up my desk and prepared for my time away and my boss wished me a safe flight and I said gnite to all and it felt good to punch out and be on official vacation mode so now this where the chaos starts I came home and saw the condition of this place it was a freaking mess. Dishes in sink for a few days trash that was begging to be taken out all the side effects of a hectic weekly schedule and add therapy sesssions plus dealing with a 2 yr old don't leave much time for housework. Things are getting expensive I went to order a pizza and pizza hut wanted $16 for a large pepperoni lovers the actual cost was $13 but they raised their delivery charge to $2.50 which is ridiculous imo so I ordered papa johns instead and forget wings $7.49 so now my rule is no promos no take out. They only have $10 pizza if u carry out which of course they know most won't take that option. I tried to clean up the mess Jr did on the floor of juice and food gave him a bath and he fell asleep and I fell out myself but I got up and watched a little tv and went back to bed. This am was tackling dishes mopping and cleaning the bathroom and spongebob overload and the fun part will be packing and making a list of things to get at the store. I usually like to brings things exclusively from NY when I go down to fl but since I'm flying can't bring a lot. Today I took the plunge and put a defrizzer treatment in my hair so that it doesn't puff up so much and I was nervous but it looks good only bad part is my hair smells like rotten eggs not even gel hides the smell ah the.things we do for beauty but it relaxed the curl and I'm able to wear my hair down which is good. As soon as Monday comes I'm drenching it in shampoo to get rid of smell hope no one gets to close to me if I go outside. 2 days left and Monday afternoon I will be in Florida feels like this time was never going to come but I'm looking fwd to it.

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vacation countdown

Today is Thursday and there is 4 days left in my countdown to vacation.  The past few days the weather has been in the 80's even though it can get a little humid at night it's a welcome relief from the horrible heat wave.   I feel tired and I look forward to getting a break.  Yesterday was our second counseling session and I felt more relaxed and we did some communication exercises but I feel as she really doesn't give us the chance to express the way we normally would.  She says she'd like to meet with us individually then after those mtgs we'd meet together again as a group.  I think she kind of took his side yesterday which pissed me off b/c she really doesn't have enough back ground on us yet to really understand why I react to certain things the way I do.  I know it's only the second session as she says there are times where I or both of us will feel like it's not helping or have feeling toward her.  I'm going to give it some more time but I'm not afraid to change therapists I've done it before.  Not everyone therapist and their approach is the right fit for everyone. I guess when the time comes to the individual mtgs I will be able to explain the situation a lot better.   So far I've been keeping track of what I eat with the fitness pal calorie counter and wow is it hard but these past two days I've been good and staying in track with the daily count.  I finally finished all of my mail at the office which is good b/c I finally have free time to do other things.  Tomorrow will my last day of work and I have a few last minute things to get for the trip and I'm just praying that we have a safe flight and jr doesn't drive me bananas on the plane so I will make sure I have plenty of things to keep him occupied hoping that on that free tv they provide they have spongebob or something lol.  I look forward to my time off as I need to get away from the city for a while it will be nice to see everyone and I'm hoping that for drama free even though when dealing with family it never is.   I will try to get to the gym at lunch today provided they have a good class or enough treadmills. 

long day

Today was off to a good start he dropped off Jr and I caught the early train in was able to get some breakfast and stop at store and still make it to work on time. Yesterday and today was back to back zumba today I went to another location and the class was just as good didn't feel overexerted so I stood for next class but I just wasn't feeling the instructor so I left early it was too fast and using that step can be hard on your feet and since I still have weight to lose I think I need to save step until I've dropped more lbs less stress on my feet since they're sore now and I don't want to injure my ankle again. We also got a visit from someone who used to work with us and she made us laugh so hard my water went down the wrong pipe she made a comment about someone needing a **** lol hey I agree 100% some ppl are miserable and want to bring everyone down with them not good you'd be suprised what a steady supply of d* can do for a person I think they'd be less uptight but not sure about the bitch factor being resolved. On another note he updated my calorie counter and I have to get back on track with my eating b/c I've been bad and I haven't lost or gained so now I'm on 1400+ calories a day today I went over next time no hashbrown my goal weight is 140 but my range is 130-140 so I've got to be stricter with what I eat and cut out the sweets which are my biggest weakness. We shall I see if I'm able to stay on track. Now since its one less person work is piling up so less time to blog and more focus on wk now don't.want to.give no one anything to talk about since ppl seem to be focused on what we don't do than what is done and done well. Tomorrow is hump day and our second counseling session I hope to cover more and go over the list I made plus write down more tomorrow it seems like its helping but we have a long way to go as this is a process trying to stay optimistic Everyone likes the new style but I need to dye it its gotten too light I prefer the darker look still trying to get used to having shorter hair its more wk having to use a ton of mousse just so it doesn't poof out I think tomorrow is ponytail day well its way past my time to be awake off to get rest to face another day tomorrow

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