So many things

I'm glad today that the weather is less humid than yesterday it wasn't easy walking home with it being so muggy and humid.  During my lunch I went to the hallmark store to pick up a bday card for him from his son b/c hallmark hasn't evented a card to describe my situation at least not yet.  After purchasing the card my plan is to get the card and purchase a small carvel cake also from his son b/c god forbid your majesty isn't honored on his bday but me spending money on clothing for him for an early father's day gift just wasn't enough.  We will see how he reacts when he is presented with cake and card.  My mother isn't happy with the situation and she wants to know what his intentions I don't even know what his intentions are at this point, so many mixed signals and conflicting emotions of mine, etc.  There are times I think about this and I feel like a fool b/c some other woman would've smacked the s* out of him and told him to pack his stuff and get out.  It's extremely akward we have basic generic conversation and anything to do with the child.  After cleaning up the mess in the kitchen and bathroom I gave jr a bath and read him books and off to bed.  Finally had some "me" time and I go to watch some tv divorce court to be exact kind of ironic but it's good entertainment to remind myself that there are people out there with worse problems than myself.  As I'm comfortable I see the door open and it's him which totally caught me off guard, he puts down his food and proceeds to change channel on tv and I feel very akward so it's off to the bathroom and bed. I got pretty tired of trying to find somewhere to eat for lunch there aren't that many healthy options out there and if there are the prices are ridiculous.  I ordered food at this new chinese place and they have the nerve to charge $1.50 for a can of soda which in my opinion is highway robbery but I guess this is lower manhattan a.k.a yuppieville they think just b/c tribeca residents have money to burn that we all do, they do but I sure don't. I just had a steak quesadilla and a banana drink I'm sure I will see the consequences when I enter the results into calorie counter but at this point I don't even care I can make up for it at dinner time.  Yesterday was another session with the therapist and it went well but I was told services would end next week until a determination is made at this district mtg.  I finally speak to the coordinator today and I don't feel any more confident that everything is going to be okay if anything I'm even more concerned b/c she suggested head start program which I honestly am not crazy about.  I know it's a wonderful program and children benefit from it but there's a certain mentality that I don't want to be bothered with and some of these places especially the closest ones aren't in nice areas and I know there are times that kids will be kids no matter how much we as parents try to instill good manners, etc. and I don't want to deal with that mindset if I don't have to some ppl would think I'm crazy especially if CPSE was offering it for free but free doesn't always mean good.  At no time do I think I'm better than anyone but I also know that I want my child to be in a safe learning environment.  I was also surprised that the coordinator wouldn't be required to be there she responds if you want me to be there, huh? wtf? aren't you his service coordinator???? Things that make you go hmmmm.  She hinted that if a placement is offered I should accept especially with all of these budget cuts that are being made by the master minds of incompetence who run this city and state.  I guess it's my fault for expecting too much from the Board of Ed something tells me that I'm in for a big fight with these people.  The next few weeks will be busy with final therapy sessions, pre-op visit, jr surgery, counseling, and finally my trip to Florida.  I hope that the flight will be uneventful and the trip will involve minimal bs notice I don't say none b/c there's always some bs when you deal with family.  I received a call from the counseling center for individual therapy and it seems like I keep hitting a brick wall when it comes to counseling she seemed very nice but explained her latest appointment is at 4:15 which annoys me b/c I have to ask myself what is wrong with these people? I'm not rockefeller or a stay at home mom I have to work full time as millions of people have to do where is the flexibility? While it was nice to get a call back I sure would've wished that it could lead to something where it can be around 5 pm.  She said she'd contact me in a few days and I'm trying to remain positive but positivity isn't always easy especially these days.  Seems like everything and every circumstance is working against me even though I'm being proactive in seeking help for myself and whatever is left of our relationship.  I'm glad that the day is half gone and he's not working over time b/c I sure didn't feel like waiting for the bus again well tomorrow is Friday my favorite day of the week and I look forward to the long weekend definitely going to have to work harder at the gym to burn off whatever stuff I ate that I probably shouldn't.

feelings interpreted through music

http://new.music.yahoo.com/videos/--2139778

Some people really know how to put their feelings on music or paper I've always liked Toni Braxton she has an excellent voice and from her songs it seems like she's been through a lot when it comes to men and love issues.  Unbreak my heart has always been a favorite of mine but it also describes a lot of what I've been feeling lately well at least part of it. 

crazy Tuesday

It's Tuesday morning and I named this entry crazy b/c I was sleeping very soundly with jr until I look at my cell and realize it's 6:18.  I overslept.  I got up from the bed went to bathroom tried to get ready as fast as I could.  Once I was dressed it was time to get the boy dressed who always wants to play with toys or open books when I'm at a mad dash for the door the innocence of kids.  Today he brought his potty to me if I wasn't rushing out the door I probably would've put him on it.  They're really emphasizing this at daycare and he goes over there, I just wish he would go at home.  I admit that I'm lazy in this department and I'm not always patient.  A lot of times he just wants to fool around in the bathroom or play with the water in the sink.  I will breathe a sigh of relief once he is potty trained.  I packed gym bag and off to the bus stop which had it not been for people waiting for it I probably would've missed it.  Dropped him off and some how I made it to work on time it's still a mystery to me must've been that the buses and trains were for once working in my favor.  Yesterday I decided to try out the gym in Astoria and suprisingly I got there faster than the place I usually go.  Every location set up is different I have to say Forest Hills is way bigger and the locker room is huge.  I took zumba here last night and it was excellent, the instructor was amazing he did moves that were easy to follow and even though sometimes I mess up I remind myself that this is an exercise class not an audition.  I've taken zumba with 3 instructors and this has been the best so far.  I know they lost a zumba instructor at the other place and didn't like the instructor who was there on Friday so I will try to come to Astoria if I want zumba classes.  So far my quest for fitness and weight loss I had lost 4 lbs but getting on the scale yesterday I gained them back and that felt so discouraging to me.  I see my legs are more toned and I've lost inches in my stomach but I have a ways to go before I'm content with what I see in the mirror.  The diet part is extremely difficult.  Friday night we went out to Fridays and I couldn't believe how hard it is to eat counting calories.  Average calorie intake is 2,000 calories some of the entrees had half or close.  I was told to stop drinking juices, eating carbs,.  A lot of hispanic foods are full of carbs and it's hard not to eat rice or beans now I guess I have to think of other ways to prepare foods I was thinking of joining weight watchers but as I've said before I'm not sure if I can afford to do both.  My other weaknesses is sweets.  I love candy and icecream.  I started eating frozen yogurt now I go to the red mango over here were I work or Tasti Dlite and it's pretty good kind of tastes just like regular icecream without all the calories.  I'm also a snacker at my desk so I try to buy healthy snacks or fruit for those mid morning cravings.  It's hard to dedicate more than an hr on a class or do machines when you work during the week and when you have children it's even harder.  I'm going to try to do the machines in the gym where I work b/c it's kind of empty at lunch time.  Classes are for after work as I don't want to feel rushed and risk being late from lunch.  I'm doing this for my health but it's also my time for myself and to ease my mind of any stress that I feel and I sure been feeling it a lot lately.  I feel as if I don't know what direction my life is going, this past weekend was another exchange of text msgs very hurtful comments directed toward me and I feel as if he's tryingto make me pay for my reaction to his betrayal.  He has never had real ownership of what he did to me, and he's trying to use this as a crutch and an excuse not to own up to his actions.  I was very depressed this weekend and my tears burned the pillow b/c I never imagined things would get this bad, they've been bad before but this has been the worse.  I guess finding fault with everything about a person is a distraction not to address your own faults.  I'm by no means perfect who is? I finally spoke to someone at the counseling center and we have an appointment for next week and I'm nervous b/c this can help us or as I've said before it can help close the door on the relationship.  I think we need to talk about these things in a controlled environment b/c I realize when it's just us I let my emotions get the best of me we start arguing.  Not saying it wouldn't get heated in a session but I'd try my best to keep it under control.  Sometimes I ask myself why I'm even bothering since he's said to me he doesn't feel the same way about me, and that was a stab to my heart and my ego.  I do still have feelings for him even after all of this they may not be intense as they once were but they're still there.  So I'm giving it one last shot I think we should've gone to counseling years ago and I fear that maybe this is an effort that has come too late.  If it's not marriage stress it's family stress and it's very overwhelming.  I'm flying down to Florida next month and it's a economic and personal sacrifice.  He's not coming with us due to the situation and that is very sad b/c the quality of the trip isn't going to be the same.  He says he doesn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable no you don't want to feel uncomfortable.  I wonder how he's going to react when our son realizes he's not coming with us in the airport and he starts crying.  I'm sure he will feel guilty but it will break my heart too.  I've been told that I should try to see things from his point of view and I wasn't betrayed I disagree with that statement.  I was betrayed when you lie to someone you're betraying that person's trust.  I know it would've been a hard pill to swallow but had he been honest about it I probably would've had a different reaction and had he not decided to take this an excuse to try to break me down and make me feel as if I'm the only who is at fault maybe I wouldn't be so angry and resentful.   This month is jr surgery for tubes to be put in his ears, the district mtg which determines what services he gets and I have to say that I wasn't convinced by that man's phone call from early intervention it seems as if they want to give my son the minimum in services and that pisses me off b/c I was counting on the fact that they would put him in a pre-school setting.  I have a feeling I'm going to have to fight these people and considering all that I'm feeling now here's another thing I have to worry about.  I'm going to ask for justification letters from both therapists.  I resent the fact that they had their own evaluators come in we should've just stuck with the ones who currently work with him if anything their opinions are what matter most.  Well it's past 9 and I've got to get to work hoping this week goes fast as I look forward to the long weekend I can sure an extra day of rest.

rainy thursday

It's 3:30 and half hr left until I go home and I really wish this rain would stop it makes the weather humid and my hair is a ball of frizz.  Today I felt better than the last few days I came in and tried to play catch up with work and I did okay but the rest can get done tomorrow.  I went to get lunch and got some food from the deli overpriced but edible.  Buying lunch can get expensive especially here in Manhattan and working near Tribeca doesn't help this.  Everything here is a rip off and since I refuse to deal with microwave drama I buy my stuff outside.  I have to work on my diet b/c while I'm exercising sometimes I keep slipping up when it comes to food.  I also have to stop being lazy and cook my own food and bring it in which is why I can't wait for us to have our own space back so I can bring my own food again to work it saves a lot of money.  Today I called the counseling center and I have to say that I was annoyed with them b/c the guy kept giving me a song and a dance when I needed monday for an appointment.  This is not a good sign b/c flexibility is one of the things I need to have for both of our schedules and I really don't want to keep putting this off as we need help I honestly think we should've gone to counseling years ago maybe things wouldn't have gotten to what they are now and a part of me is afraid that things are beyond fixing at this point.  I have the other counseling place in my mind just in case they don't work out.  I've been practicing using a combination lock you'd think I would've mastered it's use in high school I could never get it right so I always used a key lock until one day I saw my locker open.  I feel much safer with a combo lock at the gym b/c I lock my cell phone and other belongings away so far I almost got it down pat.  I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday I wish I could just rest but I know what will await me is house cleaning, laundry, and other errands.  I got a text at the last minute the therapist canceled and I'm thinking here we go have to reschedule yet again and I don't want this to interefere with my gym schedule.  I have a feeling that this new occupational therapist isn't very accommodating and this is the same bs I had to encounter with the other one I mean seriously you couldn't wait 15 minutes for me to get off the bus and get home.  Today was a morning of mixed signals from him, throwing a towel around himself when he sees me coming as if I haven't seen you nude let's get serious, asking how his pants look and I ask myself wtf is wrong with this guy? I don't like when ppl give me mixed signals and I let him know right away.  This is akward enough and the last thing I need is you making it more confusing.  My mother keeps asking me when and if she will see us for the summer and it's just not that easy, my time off balance hasn't increased and I'd rather take paid time off since I really can't afford to do non-paid.  I know she really wants to see her grandson and I really need a break but I've looked at ticket prices and they're high and waiting till two months before sure doesn't help you with prices.  We can also drive but then with gas prices so either way it's expensive.  I hope I can iron out the details soon.  It's time for me to go hope tomorrow I will feel a little better and get more done.  Tomorrow is gym day time for zumba again. 

going through the motions.

Yesterday I tried to motivate myself to get some real work done but it just wasn't happening my mind has been some place else.  Today I got on the wrong train instead of my train I transfer to for the remainder of my ride I had to then take the 6 train and I was 5 minutes late.  I'm just going through the motions I have my periods of the day where I'm okay and then there are times that I don't feel like doing anything and I feel very sad today I managed to get more work done but I'm lagging far behind from my usual productivity I think it's depression with all of the things I've been dealing with lately.  I left early and went to the counseling center and spoke to someone there and I tried to maintain my composure but when I was asked certain questions I couldn't and I started crying.  I just can't believe that in a matter of days everything is so messed up and I fear the upcoming challenges in front of me.  I was told a separate intake appointment had to be done and he was annoyed and responds oh I have to go the city and I thought wtf does it matter? if you really wanted to save our relationship this would be irrelevant.  I fear that when we do go it's going to get heated but I have to face what the harsh reality is we have to get out the issues in a controlled environment with someone who is neutral and a professional.  I know family and friends try their best but it's just not the same.  I left the office feeling weird not a sense of relief like when I went to EAP which I guess means every therapist has their own style.  I spoke to my mother and went to the gym afterward only to regret going to the 6:00 class b/c I had no idea how crowded that place I had to wind up finding a locker all the way at the end near the weight room.  I took a different class to try it out called total body work out and wow do you need a lot of equipment for that class two sets of weights, bar, ball, step, etc.  I did feel the burn and some pain I think I will stick to the zumba and try out others.  It was late and I needed to get home so I got my bag and left only to deal with the nonsense of the bus they really need to provide more service on the Q58 in the evenings it seems like everyone rides this bus.  I got home exhausted greeted him and child ate and went with jr to give him his bath and watch cartoons and off to bed I went.  These past two days I've been falling asleep early I guess the gym tires me out too.  Today I have to pick jr and I don't look fwd to dealing with the bus and I'm praying that the rain will wait till I get home.  Sometimes I think this is just a nightmare and I will wake up and things will be normal again, no such luck.  As angry as I can get at times with him I never imagined we'd be at this point right now.  Today I decided to get out take a walk to get my mind off of things tried the new asian place on murray st.  I got some thai food ginger chicken white rice it's good but expensive so I deemed this place the "pay day lunch" or special occasion joint".  Another place I'd like to try is the Muscle Grill all low calorie good food.  The work day has ended and it's time for me to go hope tomorrow I will feel better than today I'd think I'd feel worse if the office comedian wasn't near my desk.  Well off to catch my train and hope the buses are running well today. 

unstable feelings

Yesterday I was feeling down and there are times where my mood goes up and down I feel ok and then I will think about something that was said and I will feel down again.  After all of the things said, weird thing is I don't feel any better about the situation, most people usually do.  The truth isn't easy to listen to at times but when communication breaks and people just keep holding things in is when things get bad.  Since this conversation he's trying to be nice and actually called me and ask me if I wanted him to cook yesterday and I hear the twilight zone music in the background b/c after I was told of all of my so called flaws you're calling me to do exactly what you say I don't do enough of.  It's confusing and annoying to get all of these mixed signals. I've been distant but how else would he expect me to be?.  Today I will be leaving early and going to take intake visit at the counseling center and I know it's not going to be an easy thing for me and I will try to maintain my composure and try not to get emotional when I try to explain why I'm there and what services I'm looking for.  It's either now or never sometimes we take out time for other things that aren't that important but things that really matter we never make the time for it.  No matter how things turn out I know I will need their help to get through this.  I'm wondering if my heart will ever be whole again in my previous break up for my marriage I was in a depression for a while and I didn't want to know about meeting anyone else but then my now husband came along and now I'm at a cross roads where it is a possibility that relationship can end too I ask myself all the time why is it so hard for me to maintain a relationship perhaps its issues of my own that I've never really addressed or dealt or is it just the fact that I just pick the wrong guys whatever it is I don't know how people put themselves out there on the dating scene all the time I'm just not one of those people and should things not work out I don't see myself being on that scene again.  Everyone is on their best behavior when they're dating until you get to know them better or move in with them then you really see who that person is and sometimes you don't always like what you get.  Going to the gym for me is like a release and a way to distract my mind, I went to a zumba class again with a different instructor but I didn't like this one he was way too fast for me I know I'm out of shape but the other guy on friday's class movements were way easier to follow.  I guess every instructor incorporates the moves differently.  I also did a few minutes on the exercise bike.  I need to do that orientation so I can start using the other machines like the treadmill and the elipitcal and weights or I really wont start seeing results.  Last night I was so tired I went with jr towatch his cartoons and read him books but I fell asleep with him and didn't get up till the morning.  Today I will try to go the gym after the counseling center and I hope there is a good class today if not I will try the location in Astoria.  I'm really trying to stick to going to this place as it's convenient and inexpensive but their customer service has gone down the tubes over the years and it's starting to work my nerves and I haven't even been a member that long.  I deal with enough nonsense the last thing I need is more so I will continue to play it by ear and if things don't improve I will be looking for another club.  People don't realize that customer service is everything when it comes to a business and if it is poor the business suffers.  I was even thinking of joining Curves since the work outs are only 30 minutes.  We'll see how things progress.  It's after 9 and time to get to work. 

extreme sadness

These past few days have been an emotional rollercoaster for me and it's emotionally taxing on my body and mind.  It will be a week on Wednesday since I found out that I was deceived and betrayed by the person who is supposed to be my mate and care about me and everything has seem to snowball from there and I'm between sadness, anger, feeling depressed, etc.  to stay and get professional counseling or to proceed with dissolving the marriage.  I feel betrayed and all of the trust I had in him is gone and they say with no trust there is nothing.  The most important things are respect and trust and when you lie to someone about anything you're betraying them and their trust.  I've had to wrestle with the fact that I will never have another child due to his deception if I even choose to remain in this marriage.  I always knew this could be possible but I was lead to believe that there was hope and when someone isn't even willing to be honest or even get an analysis done to confirm this just makes it even worse.  I feel so much anger and rage at times then it trickles down to extreme sadness.  We've had up and downs in the past but it's never deteriorated to this point and I think the deception was the cherry on top of every other issue we had.  It was father's day and we didn't even spend it together and that bothered him but considering the f* up emotional climate why put on an act in front of other people? I spent the day alone feeling down and sad I tried to go out to the shopping area and see if that would distract my mind but it was only a temporary fix I got some things I needed had to deal with the aggravation of the mta bus and come home with them both arriving half hr later.  After jr was asleep he wanted to have "the talk" and it was pretty bad.  I was told by him that he's no longer in love with me as if the slap in the face of betraying me isn't enough, and had to listen to him victimize himself stating that I took out things in his face which never occured and hear how I'm a wonderful mother but a bad wife and how I don't cook this that and the other I really felt like telling to pack his stuff and gtfo out of the apt.  I'm not perfect by n o means but it takes two to tango and everyone has to own up to their own bs.  I'm not martha stewart by any means I hate to cook especially after I'm tired from working all day and I realize he works too but when you're subjected to constant criticism of your food after a while it gets old and I get aggravated and it just a waste of food and time.  A bad wife doesn't stay with some one whose family is the ghetto brady bunch and put up with rudeness on their behalf/friends, a bad wife doesn't stick by you during your illness, a bad wife doesn't go back to work before she really wants to after my son was born, a bad wife doesn't make sure the bills are paid and wouldn't give a darn about her child.  On the contrary I haven't been perfect but I haven't been terrible and for someone to tell you that the child is the only reason they're around is a big bruise to your ego.  Intimacy? how he can't remember well hmm let's see if you're too busy being a douche bag the last thing I'm thinking about is sex.  Just that statement alone proves men will have sex whether you have issues or not women are different, well at least I am I can go without that it's not only physical it's emotional and if I'm angry or upset, etc. it's definitely not happening.  My issues main one is trust if he can lie about anything can't trust him, he always minimizes everything doesn't validate my feelings, overly critical, etc.  too make a long story short he agreed to counseling but doesn't feel it will help and I said well that's a positive out look.  I left and went to my room and cried a river of tears so much that I had a headache when I awoke this morning and the future is still uncertain.  It may work it may not.  I took some aleve this morning for my headache and got ready for work and even while I'm here, it's like I'm here but I'm not here I managed to get some work done and the only things I look forward to is being with jr or going to the gym.  The gym is like my escape and time alone.  Today I will be going to zumba class for the second time and I'm sure I will enjoy it a lot it will help me take my mind off of everything that's going on.  I guess we will give it the boating school try with counseling but something tells me it's going to be explosive but it needs to happen we can't continue to live like this anymore and I don't want our child exposed to this either.  Our child deserves to be happy and as hard as that is for me to accept even if it's apart thats a harsh reality.  Failure is a terrible feeling and after 11 years together 3 yrs married kind of makes you think about the years invested in a relationship and to start over now is a scary feeling but it's something I need to think about b/c it's a possibility it can happen.  It also makes you realize most marriages don't last these days.  Trying to keep a small shred of positivity with the counseling thing easier said than done.  to be continued.....

End of Weinergate

When I first heard of this I thought here we go another politician who messed up yet again, and the headlines were endless.  I actually have am ny and metro new york papers and I think each one of them had a headline or small box about him I think it got it to the point it was ridiculous.  I think this is a very sad situation b/c this is a person who despite his very stupid acts did a lot of good for the people of his district and for the seniors of Queens.  I don't think some people will remember the good he did just the fact that he messed up the way he did. I just can't believe that he had such a lapse in judgement that he allowed himself to engage in these inappropriate exchanges online and mess up his career the way he did.  I think we are all human and mess up we make bad choices, say things we shouldn't etc.  but Weiner's mistake was he lied about it. He did not come clean about it during his initial statement or when the first pictures came out.  I think if he would've came clean and admitted what he did and apologized people would've had more respect for him but he didn't I think he got too comfortable, he was a little narcissistic, and didn't think the photos would come out bottom line is no one likes a liar especially when you're a public figure and the people of the district put their trust in you.  We hold the politicians and other public figures to a much higher moral standard and everyone is shocked when they mess up, I think people seem to forget that they're also human.  I think he let down his district his constituents and most importantly his wife. I will not be surprised if down the line I hear she's left him if she stands by him through the end I'll be surprised.  I hope he's learned from this and will get the help he needs but if this is any indication what do you online can come back to bite you I don't know what is!  While I agree what he did was wrong, some people are very self righetous and judgemental like Nancy Pelosi there are politicians who've done far worse and weren't asked to resign like Rangel that crook abused his power and used city rent regulated apartments as office space, had a villa in DR paying no taxes, and i'm sure more things but all he got was a censure which is pretty much a slap on the wrist instead he should've been told to get out, people like John Edwards, Sharpe James, Mimms (another jersey mayor) all of these people were elected by the public and had the public's trust and they misused and abused it. and even the Clintons were talking smack about weiner, hmm ex president did you forget what YOU did???? I'm sure those stains were just white out that spilled off the secretary's desk, they're the last person to throw a rock at anybody.   I saw his speech yesterday on Fox 5 and I feel in the end it was the right thing for him to do b/c I doubt with all of the media blitz, etc.  he wasn't going to be able to continue his job or be taken seriously by a lot of people.  I also feel that his fellow Democrats didn't back him yet threw him under the bus which speaks volumes that politics is dirty and when things are bad is when you know who really is there.  We probably would've been able to hear it a lot better had they not allowed that heckler to keep running his mouth, seems like any nut can get into a press conference these days.  I guess it didn't occur to them that they should get security.  Either way i'm glad this is all over this is was a scandal that was overexposed, and exploited by the media, comedians, and anyone who had the ability to give an opinion.  It's time to turn the page and move on I'm hoping my next copy of the news paper will have a new headline other than this one until the next dope is caught with his pants down NYC.

first work out

This Wednesday was my first trip to the gym and since I haven't completed the orientation for the machines I did a class called turbo kick which I guess is aerobic moves with kick boxing moves and it turbo kicked my a**.  I didn't realize how out of shape I really am I took a sip of water 3 times and I think I should've started out with something slower but the schedule says it's for all levels I disagree with that I think they need to break up the classes beginner, intermediate, advanced b/c this way the moves are going to be tailored to each level.  The work out pants I got were too big and I kept having to pick up them up during the class how embarrassing is that so I had to go down another size.  I found some new balance ones today for $10 at a discount store around the job I hope they fit well b/c I hate having to keep searching for the same type of pants.  I visited the gym location near where I live and I didn't really like the set up but every location is different.  What I didn't like about this place was the lack of professionalism of the front desk very ghettofied they don't greet any one and the fact that the lockers are right near the work out areas where male employees can come in and see yet they don't want you using the bathrooms as dressing rooms hmm did it ever occur to you that I don't want to look at anyone's stuff or I don't want anyone looking at mine yeah I know we have the same thing but so what I saw a couple of sights that I wanted to puke over for example do you really need that body armor or these so called slimmers when you're going to gym??? first of all you can see all of your lady lumps celluluite bumps on your *** and a camel toe that you just can't miss.  Seriously? Do us all a favor and buy sweats or wear leggings till you can look like one of the models who are on the poster who model the crap but don't need it just want to fool ppl into thinking it can minimize what it really can't perhaps smash it down.  I'm not slim I need to lose weight hence the reason why I'm at the gym but guess what my body is solid and there's no way I'd walk out with inappropriate gym clothes for my body type which is why I keep it simple tshirt or nylon work out shirts and capris or shorts.   I also knew where I was when there was a sign that said to use combination locks instead of key locks it didn't say that at other places that was in a way nicer area.   The thing that turned me off the most was the fact that there was no machine rotation I don't like when people hog the machines and I'm not about to get into a altercation over gym equipment so I just may use this place to do a class or two then go home but if I want to use weights or machines take a ride into the other locations.  This is "me" time and I don't want stress or aggravation during this time as I have enough of that as it is.  Today I'm deciding between zumba or aerobics class I think zumba is a pretty fast class too so I'm still in the deciding mode.  I have to work on my eating habits still I still slip up here and there and stay away from my weaknesses which are sweets, etc.  I've considered joining weight watchers but can I really afford to do both? It kind of limits what you can eat and many restaurants have a section where you can order weight watchers inspired entrees but I looked at some of them and they don't look that appetizing.  My fitness journey has just started and I have a long way to go so I'm sure eventually my body will get the hang of exercising and eating healthier. 

the last meal

I decided to take a walk to Greenwich st today at lunch just for a walk and to go to McDonald's this was my last meal as of tomorrow I start going to the gym and no more fast food while I love McDonald's fries especially when they're fresh off the basket but its not good for you and eating like that will defeat the purpose of me working out and while I'm sure I will treat myself here and there I will keep it as a once in a while thing. Ice cream is another weakness of mine but I've got a good alternative the frozen yogurt places however I will also try to stay away from self service to keep portions low but not depriving myself I'm eager to start working out not only for my health but I'm tired of trying to find my size in the store a size 10 is much easier to find than a 14 or 16 and I'd love to be able to shop in NY & Co again. I will start with just a class until I can go to the orientation for the machines I hope I won't be too worn out but I'm looking forward to a lighter healthier and fitter me

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Subway Fight Caught On Camera

Subway Fight Caught On Camera

I saw this on the news yesterday evening and sadly this is not unusual when you ride the subways or the buses.  This fight was over a "seat".  I like to get a seat as much as the next person on my ride especially when I'm tired after a long day of work, etc. but to get into a fight over it never.  Sad part is that these good samaritans tried to break it up and were unsuccessful and they risk their own safety to do so.  The police say not to get involved but if you're between stations or underground on some lines a dangerous situation can get even worse.  I think there needs to be like a panic button or something installed on the trains while I know the newer ones have that button to push but you have to speak and who wants to risk getting their a** kicked if criminal sees you.  I've posted my list of subway etiquette in the past on here and let me tell you some people need to use better subway/bus etiquette to avoid things like this.  Being a subway rider using two very well traveled lines every day I've seen lots of stupidity some riders are just plain stupid which is why they get into problems with other riders.  I observe people doing some real stupid s*** like drinking coffee while standing up why would you do that and not be mindful not to spill coffee on a passenger? Sit your a** down and drink or wait till you get to your destination not properly holding on to poles and bumping into someone and being a native new yorker I know the ones who like to do this to instigate a fight or a reaction. On the newer trains you have this new poles especially by the double seater why the heck would you put your elbow on there if someone is sitting there??? I once had to smack someone's elbow out of the way on a #1 train b/c it almost hit the side of my head.  The right thing to do would be hold the top curved pole above the seat or the back part.  Loud cell phone conversations: STFU no one wants to hear your annoying ring tones, your last nights escapade, or other ridiculous drama played up a hundered notches b/c you actually think we give a flying **** if you must report such important news TEXT it please.  On yesterday's ride to work I witnessed a grown woman get annoyed by a teenager who brushed up against her it wasn't hard it's not like she slammed into her and the train was packed like a sardine I mean get real if a train is that packed and if you choose to get on it, things like this will happen and I thought I hope she knows better to leave that kid alone.  Get serious if you can't handle close body contact wait for the next train it's that simple!!!!  Seats well they're nice but one size doesn't fit all if you don't fit in there don't try b/c you're risking annoying a rider and getting cursed out or the outcome of the above video link.  Men your junk needs space but unless your hung like a horse not that much space!.  Next things BO please wash up and use deodorant and don't overdue it with cheap cologne perfume or anything over powering and good oral hygiene is a plus, your fellow riders will thank you.  Food:  Some people don't like to see others eating, and I HATE people who eat on the subway it's second place to my other pet peeve the loud cell phone convos.  People don't want to smell your nasty food or watch your nasty ass eat and you have no table manners and don't even have the decency to clean up after yourself.  I've smelled stank chinese food, overfried chicken, pancakes, nasty egg sandwiches from the corner store, it's freaking ridiculous.  I've actually spotted someone eating an egg sandwich on the platform and made sure not to get in that car.  The spagheti incident also turned into a brawl where this slob was eating on the train, and someone was annoyed by it, the rider should've just got up and went to another car rather than make the statement "what kind of animals eat on the train" b/c that can be taken the wrong way and it was.   Be a smart rider and you won't encounter any grief on the subways and all of these apply to the bus rides as well as there have been some fights on the bus also published on you tube, sad part is that people film these things but don't take steps to call 911 or get a cop on the platform b/c everyone likes to see a good fight.  When I see things like this, it reminds me why I keep my child off public transportation if I can help it b/c bottom line people are stupid, rude, and don't think before they do or say things and while I may try to avoid things on my own if anyone did anything to jeopardize the safety of my child I will go nuts.   I think there needs to be more police presence on the subways people blame the heat which can make people short tempered and they blame the economy, etc.  These are all factors but at the end of the days it's just plain old fashioned STUPIDITY and who is tougher.  When you step into the street, into a car on a subway train always remember you never know who is the person riding next to you so think before you do or say something you will regret. 

much cooler tuesday

Tuesday morning on my daily ride to work and it seems like I can't win if its not someone who stinks its someone with cheap or stank old perfume who just happens to pick the seat next to me I'm glad to have my ipod on to tune out the mindless chatter the weather keeps on changing and I still feel a weird feeling in my throat and I noticed something red I can't afford to be sick again so I'm just going to keep rinsing with peroxide and hope the infection goes away on its own kind of sucks when you don't have enough leave to take days off if you need to now Jr doesn't feel well had a fever so his father is taking him to the dr and I'm hoping its not another infection but I won't be surprised if it is since he's so prone to them. Yesterday was his first mtg with the new ot and she's ok I guess not going to be picky at this point she gave me some tasks to do some he did with ease others he had trouble but she mentioned that she needed to do a report on him and I'm like what? You just met him but that's how EI and the state operate and they wonder why ppl complain about services not up to par or lack of services. Our hope is that he's in a preschool setting by September. I think he will improve a lot more in a structured environment its a shame that this isn't affordable to many working parents. Yesterday at work I got so annoyed had to make so many calls requesting info that the last thing I wanted to do was start assembling mailings. One or two calls is ok but more than that posting notes that's too much. I sometimes switch between tasks b/c it can get tedious. I'm supposed to start my work out this week and I already have obstacles which is annoying the new ot thought she was going to come on Friday and I quickly squashed that that's my day to chill out and work out. I'm not going to let anything get in the way of this I paid for my dues and once we start making excuses nothing is accomplished so I will do it even if its at lunch time ready to catch the J glad to be getting away from the stank perfume let's hope next train isn't too crowded

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mundane Monday

It's Monday morning and I'm on my ride to work and it seems like this weather can't make up its mind hot humid one day raining the next and I feel a weird feeling in my throat hope I'm not getting another infection again. Friday I met up with a friend we ate and looked around the area its a good distraction from the daily routine and stress. I finally got around to joining a gym the place was right down the street from the restaurant so I went in and if there's one thing I hate is high pressure sales tactics they wanted me to give 3 ppl name for a free pass along with number I don't like giving out no ones info like that in my opinion if they're interested they will come. I got some work out clothes nothing fancy and a lock for the lockers. I will start this week going to start with a class something not too fast b/c several ppl said I will feel it and I don't want to be wheeled out of the gym. I tried looking for therapist office but couldn't see it guess I will have to call for better directions. I'm eager to start the process as I need to find ways to reduce stress in my life it seems as if its not from one source its another first it his side with the bs from her and now the bs from mine rearing its ugly head again I actually had to tell this person this week I wasn't first national bank of ny ppl don't understand that you have bills too and can't always give and with them its their enabling of an individual and tolerating disrespect is what really makes me angry the denial and the minimizing I resent the fact that I feel as if I have to take care of things and there are times I can't or just don't want to hear what I always hear. No one takes care of you but YOU bottom line. I wish I was able to get a break etc more often but not enough outlets which at times makes me more resentful of ppl. Seems like mta did its usual screw up of trains as two of them were stuck and now this one is going express leave it to the #1 leader in city incompetence to get your day started off right. Going underground let's hope the next train will not take forever to come

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not as hot friday

These past two days have been a steam bath over here and summer hasn't even begun yet.  If this is any indication of how hot the summer is going to be when it officially begins on June 21 we're in for a hot one.  Me and the heat don't mix my stomach gets messed up I get headaches and I have to be confined to the two rooms that have ac livingroom and bedroom.  I eat less, can be short tempered, and I think we're all little sluggish.  Yesterday I couldn't wait to get home and blast my ac thank goodness that all of the trains ac was working well so at the ride to and from work was comfortable.  This week I did a lot of travelling at lunch Went to 34 St and shopped at Old Navy got back late thanks to all mighty 2 train who picks up speed and than comes to a painfully annoying halt not good when you need to get where you're going and you're on a time constraint and trying to sneak in through the back door.  Thanks to the geniuses at 34 st who hang up size M and S pants on a Large hanger had to return the next day but I wasn't tracking up to midtown again settled for 18 St. this time I turned the pants inside out to see the label to make sure it said large.  Needed relief from the heat went to this new frozen yogurt place called flava boom I love any sweets but especially frozen yogurt and I will try anything once so I went in and the place looked really modern and hip but I just wasn't sold on the concept that they charge by the weight of your cup and didn't have smaller cups and I wasn't the only one who didn't like this.  I filled up my cup with strawberry frozen yogurt and hoped it wasn't outrageously expensive $5 expensive for most ppl but it tasted good however if they have no small cups again they won't get my business.  I don't think it's very good business practices to charge by weight b/c everyone loves icecream and will want a lot at least they'd snag me here I think charging a set price takes the guess work out of it for the customer and I really don't like self service lol I'm not at a gas station or a laundromat and so many people touching those levers from the machines not exactly hygienic in my opinion.  This week jr gave me a run for my money when it came time to put him to bed very frustrating indeed I winded up spanking him but felt guilty afterward I think it's the sitter who puts the kids too late and she doesn't care she doesn't have to get up the next day and commute to the city so we and any other parents pay for it at night.  I know many kids whose parents don't have them on a schedule and kids are up very late and the schedule worked for us when he was a baby and 1 yr old but now that he's an older toddler he's becoming very defiant and testing limits.  I sure hope he goes down easy for his father tonight.  I needed a break yesterday so I went to the livingroom I went to watch some tv and blow off some steam I went to bed around 11 but was awoken in the middle of the night by him yet again who then went to open the fridge and take out two juice boxes I wasn't in a sunshine mood at 3 am and I said get in bed and I wasn't about to let him drink minute maid punch and really be bouncing off the walls.  He finally falls asleep and by the time I'm comfortable again boom cell alarm goes off and it's time get ready I didn't want to get out of bed so I was lazy and slow moving this morning and I of course was late.  I hate being late on any given occassion especially fridays.  Today was a busy week and I did a lot of work but I took it in stride I did some work got out half the mail and did some other tasks and now I'm blogging to kill time.  Lunch time came I took my walk and got myself a soup from au bon pain 12 vegetable to be exact and walked to Red Mango a frozen yogurt joint to try them out.  So far I've tried 3 Flava Boom, Red Mango, Pinkberry.  I wasn't impressed that they did the same by weight pricing but I loved their coconut frozen yogurt and it was $2.50 cheaper than 18 st.  I'm glad to have my house back for a few weeks as I feel much better when it's just us 3 at home.  I'm meeting up with a good friend today for dinner and got a new referral for a therapist which I'm hoping brings a better outcome than the previous douche.  Well it's time for me to close down and head out to Queens.  PR parade is this weekend, but will watch it on TV unfortunately they don't allow the officers family to be present at the parade. :(. 

hot tuesday

Yesterday was a busy day for me at work I did a lot of work trying to get out all of the mail which is a time consuming task in itself, entering results, and posting returns, etc.  At the end of the day I was tired and ready to go.  Today should be an easier day now that the mail was sent out, until the next batch comes along *sigh*.  I woke up this morning and made sure I heard my cell alarm go off and the room felt very humid and warm.  It took me a while to get out of bed b/c it just feels to good but then I pryed myself out and hit the shower got dressed had my instant breakfast and by the time I finished I see jr is up and is where he shouldn't be by the computer desk and has a book about cars in his hand.  I looked at the weather on my phone and it's going to be a hot one today 87 I can feel even as early as 5:30 it was already 79 degrees.  Well tomorrow it's going to be hot 91 and thurs 97 it's too bad I have to be at work both days especially thursday I'd rather be at one of the city pools or Jones Beach.  Had I not been sick I probably would've played hooky Thursday and went off to the beach or pool.  I got sun block this time #50 I'm sure going to need it b/c getting a sun burn is painful and uncomfortable.  I get into the city early which I love and go to my favorite spot lot less and I was looking to grab a snapple from the discount store but of course it was closed so I went to lot less browsed around and got a few things.  By the time I left the store the other place was open got a lipton brisk and off to work.  I punch in and most people aren't here early on this floor I say good morning to whom ever is here sometimes I get a response sometimes not but that's a whole another show I just don't understand why some people in the office are so stupid, if someone says good morning to you why can't you respond? It's just basic manners but I guess some ppl don't even have that.  No one is implying by saying good morning or night that you're going to be #1 on that person's social list, lunch buddy, or facebook.  I was sitting at my desk and there is a co-worker of ours who comes to talk to the other one across from me doesn't even say gm to me until I say it to her.  I just do it to hit her over the head and to prove a point.  She's one of those people who are "funny" like that and have a lot of emotional problems and you know what I know life isn't perfect I blog about when I'm not having a good day or stressed all the time but to constantly be in that mode even at work isn't emotionally healthy at all.  My drama, my bs stays right outside the subway stairs before I enter this place b/c frankly it's none of anyone's business and do I really want to known as someone who's always in a funk.  A lot of these people down here can use some professional help or medication (prozac, paxil, etc.).  I have no time for stupidity which is why I do my part to show I have class and respect and I make sure I always have my ipod charger to tune it all out while I work.  I kind of like the fact that I'm all the way in the back now sure wish I was upstairs.  Changing the subject entirely I have to wonder what the hell was Anthony Weiner thinking when he posted or sent those pictures on his twitter account?  First of all why would you even say something so stupid like you weren't sure if it was your **** or not? WHAT!!! I think every guy knows their own package and would know if it was theirs or not. I think he lost all credibility when he lawyered up right away, if someone has nothing to hide they don't need to seek the help of an attorney.  His wife should've smacked him up the side with his cell phone.  You're willing to ruin your political career over something to stupid and ridiculous I have an idea why didn't you just send the pictures to your wife's phone? What really gets me is why do people continue to post or say stupid things on facebook, twitter, myspace and think that they're not going to have consequences for their actions.  If he would've come clean and admitted to what he did I think people would've respected him a lot more, now he's embarrassed himself, his constituents, and his wife and I think his chances for running for mayor are slim to none now but who knows if Client #9 who was our former governor messed around with prostitutes and had his intimate life all over the news, etc. has his own talk show on a very well respected news channel anything is possible I guess.  I guess we hold politicians, and high profile figure to a higher moral standard than most people but maybe we should stop doing that and look at them as human beings who also have weaknesses, faults, and make mistakes.  We're all human and screw up but as hard as it is we learn from it (hope we do anyway) and move on when the dust settles, people will forget about this and focus on the next high light in the press.  Well it's 9 am and it's time to stop blogging and tackle the work.  Hoping everyone has a good day and enjoys the sun. 

weekends fly by fast

This past week was a short work week and Friday came fast I was tired but glad to be home and have my apt to myself no visits from therapists for Jr no drama etc. However my weekend was anything but restful he was up bright and early yesterday and it was time to start the usual cleaning routine but after a while I was tired and did nothing else. Jr gave me a run for the money today and yesterday I got up had breakfast did some clean up we took a ride on the bus to Target got him some tops and more shorts since I know this weather is going to keep warming up. Went to bjs to pick a few things then had lunch at Wendys. Finally dinner and a last min trip to laundromat b/c if not today it will stay there till next weekend come home to hang up clothes bathe read and put Jr to bed in his bed for once crossing my fingers he stays there. After hes asleep time to wash dishes and clean up and finally some down time consisting of channel surfing and news. I wish I had more wknds where I can sleep in *sigh* . I tried to call therapist to schedule a visit and I can't believe what a douche he was, the only opening he had was Tuesday and it was too late I tried for week after and was told he'd be on vacation and maybe I should look for someone else and a few other stupid things he says maybe I should find someone else I kept it professional and quickly ended call I probably came off abrupt but I look at this way if you're this much of an idiot and unaccommodating to me over the phone I can imagine in a session frankly I don't need anyone else's bs as I deal with enough so back to the drawing board as someone said its like shopping sometimes it takes a while I will call agency who referred me as a courtesy and hope they can find another person if not will make some calls of my own. I received the results of Jr evaluation and most of it we agreed with but we didn't like the fact of how they tried to minimize the delays which can have negative impact on services so we will point this out to them and coordinator I wish I didn't have to deal with any of this at times but we have to for his sake. Another weekend flew by and tomorrow is Monday the day that I lack any motivation to get going. He's off this wknd I will be taking some time to sleep in it makes a difference. It's a quarter to 11 and I need to hit the bed. Hope for what I always do everyday a uneventful start and commute to and from work

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No place like your own space

These past few days have been mentally exhausting for me due to the living situation at home this person needs to make a decision and figure out a life plan b/c I'm not sure I'm going to be able to deal with this on a long term basis.  I'm looking forward to having my house back for a few days and a weekend to myself and my child.  They say everyone appreciates things when they're temporarily gone or gone for good.  I've learned to appreciate solitude and privacy b/c lately I haven't had any.  My solitude has been my ride back and forth to work and being at work.  People can only pretend for so long maybe a better word is be on good behavior and manners but truth is all of us have our habits good and bad and our quirks.  When I get home from work I'm tired and I just want to wash my hands and kick back and watch some NY1 or the usual spongebob overload change into my lounge pants and chill I don't feel like being happy home maker or feel like starting the 3 course June Cleaver dinner of the 1950's.  People of the older generation just don't get it sometimes they don't get that now with today's outrageous cost of living a two income family is necessary unless your man makes some real good money and women just don't have the energy to do it all.  June has arrived and half the year is gone seems like time is flying by so fast.  I sure wish that I would accrue some more time b/c I'd sure like to take a vacation in the summer for once.  I need a break away from NYC, daily life, etc.  but the time accrual is on a standstill and it's very frustrating.  I sure wish this cough and running nose would go away hopefully in a few days it will.  I'm loving this sunny weather just not the humidity.  This weekend we went to Sesame Place and jr had an okay time he was happy on the merry go round, the fish, and other rides  but was moody and cried went to the Count's Splash Castle and the bucket of water fell on us,  I enjoyed it lol it was very refreshing especially since it was 90+ degrees and very humid that day I was glad I bought my bathing suit but not so glad I got a sunburn on my arm and below my neck.  Note to self: always put on sun block.  I like Sesame Place it brings me back to my child hood days and I never got to experience coming to Sesame Place as a kid so it's good that my son gets a chance to enjoy places like that.  We watched the Parade with all the characters and I got my some great shots.  Everything is so bright and colorful there,  we still have an extra day so we will definitely come back in the summer.  I received the report from the speech therapist and he's making good progress but still has delays, it's a slow progress but he will get there eventually.  Today the special instruction teacher is coming and I'm sure he will do fine and I'm eager to see her report.  However I found out that the meeting for extension of services is not the same as the CPSE mtg and I'm not thrilled about that b/c I didn't like the other evaluators at all and I'm not thrilled that their findings would have an impact on what services he will get.  So I now it won't be an easy process but I'm willing to fight any denials should they issue any.  I receive a call from the coordinator yesterday and the agency wanting to provide ot services wants it written on an prescription which I think is totally ridiculous since the EI agency is the one providing the service some things are so simple yet people choose to make it hard so another phone call to the dr office hoping I get through to someone who can help me out.  This temp move downstairs has really started to grow on us.  Many of these people down here are rude, have emotional problems and need professional help combined with medication.  They make everything simple into a long dragged out mix of drama and nonsense.  My boss told one of them off and I was glad b/c they seem to think that they can talk to anyone any kind of way.  I don't like being rude to people but some ppl have no boundaries and are stupid and need to be told off and put in their place.  On that note it's time for me to stop blogging and get to work.  I'm hoping for an uneventful day at this place, an uneventful ride home, and a peaceful evening at home.