pressure is not a good thing

I felt so tired and bored yesterday and last night's zumba class was pretty good we did some brazilian music and routines which were new and the music sounds pretty nice even though I can't understand a word of it but you don't have to I guess just the beat can be good. It was the instructor's birthday and we all signed a card and some of the other ladies were nice enough to get her a cake and balloons and took a collection which was a very nice gesture. I left the class early b/c I didn't want to be late to the office and I made with enough time but last night's session was anything but positive sadly. I expressed the stress I've been feeling with scheduling conflicts of these therapists and how this "coordinator" is full of it and all of these people in early intervention, etc. I called this person today expressing my difficulties with scheduling only to be told that my schedule requirements are unrealistic but what these people don't get is that I'm a working parent and unless they're going to pay me to stay home they're requirements are feasible either. They don't get that not everyone can afford to stay home or live off the system and have their rent paid by section 8 so excuse me for being a single parent and having to bust my a** working. Last night he really got me pissed off talking about how I forgot about a letter like I don't have enough shit on my mind and when I get it he tells me he no longer needs it needs another plus dr report and throws a hissy fit when it was time for me to get out of the car. I felt like punching him in the face he had me so annoyed. He thinks I can just wave a magic wand and make things happen I can't control when and if someone calls back and how fast they're going to do things. Funny thing is he hasn't mentioned a thing about the divorce I guess reality has set in that things aren't as cut and dry as he thinks and plus the expense of the whole process which I stand firm he will be paying for even he had to pawn his balls b/c this is not something I wanted. He mentions an incident where I got pissed off last week b/c he was flirting with the cashier at the drive through and has the nerve to tell me it's no longer my concern I was like gtfo as long as you're still legally married to me and you haven't signed on that dotted line it sure is I felt it was a total lack of respect b/c I guess its easier for you to move on when you don't feel anything for that person any more and don't see how someone does and it's not a switch that I can turn on and off I sure wish it was that simple. He says maybe I should talk to someone it would help me move on faster yeah go *** yourself I'm not someone who just lets people in that easy especially a man, he'd have to be a pretty special guy who has his shit together, a good job, caring, respects the fact that I have a son, etc. Tomorrow is the CPSE mtg and I can't help but feel nervous b/c I'm hoping the outcome is good and we get a school placement b/c I really don't want him receiving any services at home no more, I'm tired of the scheduling conflicts and all of the bs with this early intervention agency and I know with CPSE and CSE it doesn't get any easier but at least he will be in a school setting and the providers come to the school so that's a big load off my shoulders but the next catch is the program is most likely 5 hours and I work 7 hrs. so the fun continues and I may still have to pay for babysitting so I'm hoping that my mother can get down here by November so I won't have to anymore b/c that's another financial stressor I will no longer have. So far things are going ok at the rehab center for him and he's talking to a therapist so I'm positive that things will start to look up for him and I will continue to keep him in my thoughts that they will. I'm trying to relax and take a deep breath and chill but it's very hard with everything going on hoping for the best outcome but preparing to deal with what comes. I will have another free day this weekend which is good b/c I can use some time to relax chill and catch up on some rest. Off to lunch time work out so I can distract my mind even if it's just for a little while.

sleepy wednesday

Today is just one of those days where you feel like staying in bed and the gloomy weather outside doesn't help this feeling. I struggled to get into work on time today as I always do and managed to make it although I had to switch trains twice. This past weekend was a relaxing one as it was a "me" weekend and I took full advantage of it watched some TV, did some much needed lounging cleaning and some shopping on sunday at Target I was going to venture out to other stores but got an unexpected headache so I made a detour back home to rest some more. Tuesday I decided to venture out to Old Navy to get some much needed jeans as the ones I have are huge on me, I tried on two different styles and I got one in a size 12 and the other a 14 and I even went down a size in shirt. It feels good to finally get some nicer smaller clothes I went through my drawers and have put a whole bunch of jeans capris and things that are too big which I will donate b/c they're in good shape. My second part of retail therapy was at Victoria Secret where I got some perfumes and other stuff I spent a lot of money but I rarely ever treat myself to both places unless there's a very good sale. My next store I want to get some things at is NY & Co. they have some great clothing but I don't want to buy too much since my goal is to continue losing weight. Did some zumba on Monday and today is counseling again so it will be a long day and I always feel it at the end when all I want to do is throw myself in bed. I tackled the dishes last night and took out the trash and I couldn't believe I let them sit there that long which is just out of pure exhaustion or laziness. This week is the CPSE mtg for jr and it has me very nervous b/c I'm hoping there is a good outcome and we get a school placement and if they give us transportation even better. I have all of these calls to return to try and accommodate of all these therapists and it gets to the point where they all drive me bananas at times. I sure wish I didn't even have to try and coordinate all of these visits and balance every other task. This weekend was pretty uneventful so I don't think he will have anything negative to say about it but we'll see where tonight's session will take us it's always to a different place every time. This weekend I posted my photo on the match page but took it off later I got cold feet and need to work on my profile. I read through tons of them all the time and some are good but the anxiety of meeting new people isn't easy I feel loneliness a lot and really wish I had someone to just hang out with go to a movie, grab a bite to eat and chill out as the weeks pass it gets a little bit easier and I'm sure I will feel better as the months pass by but as the saying says life does go on and I don't want to find myself dwelling on things that will never be no matter how much I wanted it to be or that I cannot undo or change. Had a good slice of pizza from little italy and I was bad today got a regular pepsi I almost forgot what regular soda tastes like but I desperately needed an energy jolt that only caffeine can give you well lunch time is over back to work.... maybe an after work work out will perk me up, let's hope. :)

Fall like friday

Today is Friday my favorite day of the week and for once things finally worked in my favor I was able to pry myself out of bed and actually catch the early bus and be in the city with enough time to stop at the store and walk to work and still be on time. Prying jr out of bed took a little bit more work. Yesterday was pay day and already a portion of my paycheck has vanished into thin air *sigh*. A portion going to babysitting fees and other bills. I've been looking for ways to cut corners on my budget especially due to the new living situation and I was ready to call Time Warner and cancel their service b/c it's too expensive but I'm getting rid of an extra box, dvr, and their locking me into their promotional pricing for another 2 yrs hopefully by then or before Verizon Fios will hurry up and come to my area of Queens so I can finally send them packing. We got a late start to the day b/c the entire network was down till about 10:00 so we pretty much just talked until it was back up but what's not so fun is catching up on work to make up for the lost time. Yesterday when I left the counseling center I got my first preview of Fall weather and boy was it windy and cold if it wasn't for the fact that I had a hoody on I would've frozen on my way to the train station and waiting for the bus which was ridiculously over crowded so much that I had to let 2 buses passes until I was able to get on one. Today was just as windy and cold and I have no clothing for fall/winter so I have to start preparing as well as jr. I have to say fall or autumn in NY is one of my favorite seasons of the year the leaves turn beautiful shades of yellow, red, orange, etc. the weather starts to get cooler and more tolerable, and it's always a sign that jr birthday is coming soon. I can't believe he will be turning 3 soon. Time flew by so fast and it seems like yesterday that I was bringing him home from the hospital. I received a call from his service coordinator and the meetings to add the therapy plus CPSE are due to be scheduled soon and I have to say that I'm not looking forward to them b/c of my past experience and this service coordinator had the audacity to say that she wouldn't be present at these mtgs and she usually isn't and then I ask myself then what is the point of you being called a service coordinator? I was trying to find a parent advocate by calling information today and I had no luck. I called a number from a blog and while the lady was very nice I didn't realize she was a private consultatnt and charged $85 hr. for her services which there is no way in heck I can afford so I took down what ever numbers she gave me and was on my way to the next thing. I know she meant well but she was giving me a headache asking me all of these questions, etc. I'm a pretty good advocate but perhaps I needed to gather the reports together and then call her or anyone else. I didn't realize getting services for jr would be so hard and I'm hoping that we don't have to get a lawyer b/c there's no way I can afford it w/o going through my union or legal aid society I think it's so messed up how they want to make parents lives so hard. I found out today that they had the nerve to tell my friend whose child needs an evaluation that his insurance wouldn't pay for it and I ask myself what's the point of insurance? If we can't even rely it on to cover the necessary things! These are times when I ask why? why me? why our son? etc. but I realize while it's good to vent I have to keep trying to find a way to make things work for us and him b/c the harsh reality is the system sucks we just have to learn what our rights are, and learn how to be better navigators through it. I will have to catch up on some housework when I get home as the dishes in the sink and the trash can are calling my name and the rest of the house can wait this week is "me" time and I may not get it often but I will enjoy it to the fullest this time around.

preparing, healing, adjusting, boundaries, etc.

Yesterday was a long day longer than most b/c I was late but I was glad to have gotten a seat home on both trains. I asked him to do me the favor and take me to the store so I can pick up a few groceries and I have to say that things like this are very akward for me to ask of him b/c we're no longer a couple but it's not exactly easy for me to go shopping with jr either and lug a shopping cart full of groceries or a cart of laundry. I went and got the stuff put it away and it was off to counseling. We arrived early and it was an akward silence in the car and I was counting down the minutes until it was time for us to go in. Yesterday's session we talked about the importance of making a schedule and sticking to it as far as pick up and drop off times and other subjects but while it was akward but it was helpful at the same time. I expressed that there are times I feel very lonely and sad b/c I feel that this was just brought on me so fast but little by little I'm getting used to the fact that this is a harsh reality that will come to a legal reality in the near future I think deep down inside I held on to that last possible shred of hope that we'd get back together and try to work things out but when you still have feelings for someone this happens but he made a comment to me last night that was something along the lines of if I did start talking to someone he wouldn't have a problem with it, and that hurt but it made me think chances are if he said that and he won't confirm it he's the one who is now talking to someone else. It's a painful reality that I must start trying to make a stronger effort to move on as hard as it is sometimes. October will be here next month and we made it a tradition to always take jr to Sesame Place for their Halloween celebration but I realize that this probably won't happen this year due to the circumstances and I mentioned this at the session yesterday and felt tears in my eyes b/c these are things I miss the family time not all of the other drama and stupidity that has made this separation a reality so I ask myself should I bite the bullet and go with him to Sesame Place so my son can enjoy the shows, characters, treats along with getting a new costume or should I not b/c of the akward situation I will find myself in? This is hard but I'm going to have do some thinking abou that. A few days ago we had another scare with someone close to me and now he's been accepted into a rehab program and i'm so happy for him b/c needs the help and the program is free which had also been a road block for as many of the programs require insurance or a large amount of money so I'm crossing my fingers he will be able to finish it and get the help he really needs so he will be able to life a decent life and achieve good things b/c besides all of this he's a smart person who has done well in the past but this will push back the move back to NYC but that's ok for me b/c him getting well is more important than anything else for now. Last night I had no problem falling asleep and neither did jr but he sure didn't want to get up this morning never really does. I set the alarm to go off LOUD and I woke up alright got ready and we got our bus with enough time and I got in here early enough so that I will be on time to my next appointment tonight. I'm still debating on whether or not I will do the lunch time zumba today I went on Tuesday but for some reason I wasn't totally into it and he was late so that kind of throws things off too we'll see. So far I haven't received any responses regarding jr's medical reports or an appointment for a mtg and this is really getting ridiculous b/c the more they drag their feet the longer we have to wait for an appropriate school placement, etc. Looks like we're going to have a light a fire cracker under these people yet again. This weekend is going to be a "me" weekend and I'm so looking forward to it I haven't had one in a long time and I could sure use it. I always say I'm going to do this that, etc. but most of the I wind up doing nothing at all just lounging and watching tv and that's fine I guess b/c I don't get to do nothing very often.

WTF Wednesday

Today is hump day and the title to my blog is exactly how I feel today I didn't get a very good start to my day for one I overslept and my cell alarm never went off even though I have it set to go off even when phone is on silent so I wake up half asleep to scramble to start getting ready and that's a real messed up feeling b/c when we rush we forget things. I managed to get jr up who has no concept of time at all and asks for things he can't have or wants to play or do things that can't be done at that moment. After I'm semi-awake I get dressed pack up my lunch and yogurts waters in tow and get ready for the walk to the bus. Someone must really have it in for me at the MTA LOL they must be tired of hearing from me I wait for yet another 39 bus only for it to be ridiculously crowded again with the school rush and the idiots who act like they don't see me or jr I managed to yet again hold a 30+ lb toddler on a short ride until my shoulders and arms gave up on me and boy were they sore I just held his hand on b/c there wasn't even a pole to hold on to until it was our stop to get off only to plough through the front entrance and walk to the sitter. After he's dropped off I realized I even missed my late bus which is the 7:13 I went to grab some breakfast at dunkin donuts to save myself the trip once I eventually got to the city. It seems like no one has a concept of time when we run late. I keep looking outside paranoid I'd miss the next bus. I got it and crowded yet again. So I broke my #1 rule and pet peeve don't eat on the train but I was starving and it wasn't smelly food so I guess it's ok. I get to work and there's work to do but I'm physically here but my mind is somewhere else. Yesterday I went to the gym and saw my favorite instructor we sang happy bday to him and we had a great class I notice before class started everyone comments about he's one of the best instructors for zumba which is why that class is always packed. I managed to get some work done today but it's not even close to what I normally do I'm just not feeling it today and now that I have to stay an extra 20 minutes time is going to drag by. Today is counseling for us and a part of me doesn't even want to go and I hope it will end on a more positive note even though most of the things addressed are far from positive. It gets easier to talk about things as time goes on but it doesn't make the healing process any easier. I know we're going to talk about the legal things again today and he doesn't realize that these decisions aren't easy but as my therapist says he's already made the decision for you by leaving the marriage but no one realizes the consequences especially financial of these decisions and I sort of feel like he's trying to play on my sympathies b/c he's realizing it. I will try to go in with an open mind and see where this session goes today. I will hope that the trains will be running smoothly today so I won't be too late coming home. I've already set my cell phone alarm to ring off like a bull horn so I won't be late again and it wont a WTF thursday.

daily routine

Yesterday I tried a new class called HIIT. I've never tried it before but this new instructor at the Wall Street gym is no joke and he didn't even use any equipment like weights or the bar, etc. I needed to do this class b/c I was in a real slump I think it was b/c it was Monday and I just felt bored and lazy. It always seems like the day flies by when you come to work late but drags on until the few minutes when you're waiting to punch out. I was crossing my fingers that I'd have an uneventful trip home I caught my first train which was packed but I got the second one at Essex St plus a seat home which is a great bonus. I then had to catch the bus to pick up jr I don't look forward to this b/c of the inconsistencies of the bus service. I waited there what seemed like an eternity get off and notice not one but 4 buses going in the opposite direction and I thought looks like I'm going to have a mighty long wait home grrr now why would dispatch 4 at a time? Makes no sense to me. When it was time to wait for our bus it came fast but I had to go all the way to the back to sit down but heaven forbid anyone give a mother with a small child a seat in the front! I get home the first jr does is go the fridge for a juice box in which I tell him not to touch the fridge until he washes his hands first. Yesterday's dinner was left overs and now I have to come up with a new creation to make for the next two day dinner I was thinking of doing stewed pork chops but I have yet to attempt this even though I've asked my mother for the instructions a million times. What's the worst that can happen I screw it up and it goes to the trash? I guess. Yesterday I felt like a walking pitney bowes machine at work doing all of this mail and we were told that b/c of the redeployment of people and retiring of one person we have to assume some extra responsiblities notice how they don't say we will give you the pay to go along with that and was told I have to take up part of the work the retiree once did and it pissed me off b/c I'm only human not a machine and only so much can be done in 7 hours. I'm not killing myself for no one b/c not even the former employee did. I work at my own pace and mail is tedious and takes up a lot of time. Today I did some more mail and there's a whole batch more and I'm not even worrying about it b/c I have other tasks to do that require my attention. They could resolve this problem very easily find a replacement by calling a number off the city civil service list but they want to be cheap and cry poor yet they have money to hire all of these analysts, scientist and a whole bunch of other glorified titles that you wonder what they heck is the purpose for their paycheck, work station and breathing space here in this office. Yesterday was jr first session with the new therapist and she was 15 minutes late but considering it's 6:00 it's rush hour and traffic is a mess, he took to her very well and what bothered was she didn't even know how she got our case but told us she was approached to take it on, which was weird to me considering I was given another explanation by his former therapist. Anyway she says he has a lot of language and skills for a child with his diagnosis which is a positive and she also says the ADA therapy is more intense but it would help him alot and he may grow out of the PDD with the therapy which I'm crossing my fingers for but if it doesn't happen, it doesn't. She also states that we did a good thing by insisting he be reevaluated b/c some parents don't challenge what they're told well I can tell you I'm not one of those people I'm a lot of things but complacent isn't one of them. I know we will have a battle with the board of ed, cpse, etc. but they better not think that they're going to send my son away empty handed like they the other time around. I'm still waiting for the report from the hospital as it will be very useful for the next mtg. Today I finally to go work on time and did a lunch time zumba class but didn't stay as long today as I didn't want to be late I'd rather go exercising on my lunch break and stay inside and sit at my desk and do nothing and while sometimes I don't mind doing nothing especially at home at work you get bored sleepy, etc. Today is my favorite zumba instructor's birthday at the Astoria gym and they're doing back to back zumba so of course you know I will be making a trip up there today it's been a while since I took his class actually before I went on vacation. Tomorrow will be another counseling session with him and I'm hoping things will end on a more positive note but I feel this is getting tedious and contrary to what the therapists say I think I may stop therapy sessions soon b/c while I know it will help me heal it seems like we revisit things that don't even matter any more but I will see. Yesterday they opened the 9/11 memorial and of course many people got passes to go and see it but I didn't and won't for a while I don't like big crowds #1 and honestly I try not to even think about 9/11 even though that's kind of hard since I work around here but once all of the craziness dies down I may go one day on my lunch break and take a few shots of it it's very painful as I remember the city when it looked totally different but those memories are frozen in time in my mind, old pictures, old magazines, etc. Well it's time to get back to work looking forward to another zumba class this evening.

case of the mondays

Last week seemed to drag by even thought it was a short week and Friday finally came and I was ready to leave and meet up with a friend after work and I forgot to check the subway status and sure enough there were delays on the R train and I waited there for what seemed like an eternity and I hate to be late and I was late alright 1/2 hr. to be exact and the person I met up was also late so we didn't wait much long for each other. Thanks once again MTA for throwing a crank in my plans. We met up at the mall and went to have a meal at applebees and this place was pretty empty for a friday evening but I guess that also has to do with the economy as well a lot of people aren't eating out like before, etc. but I don't mind it once in a while there are a lot of affordable ways to hang out if you use your brain and look for deals. It was nice to meet up with a friend and have some down time but it always seems to go so fast and friday went even faster b/c we got a late start. I will have one free day to myself this weekend which is better than nothing and I can sure use it. This weekend was typical cleaning running errands going to the post office to pick up a pkg. We went to the park afterward for a little while and home for lunch while I continue to muster up the motivation to get this house clean but it seems like as soon I get everything look close to decent jr will mess it up yet again which is frustrating at times. I must sweep a million times a day and vaccum sofa cushions, etc. Yesterday I made some dinner I usually try to make meals that last 2 days I made some chicken cutlets fried not the healthiest option for me but a quick option with some roasted garlic mash potatoes out of a box and some canned vegetables but at least I will have left overs for today when I get home. I'm going to try to see if I can bake them to see if they come out just as good as fried b/c fried isn't healthy at all another experiment for me to conduct in the kitchen. Yesterday we both slept in which was weird b/c jr is usually my instant alarm clock. 8:30 for me is sleeping in considering I get up at 5:30 everyday sometimes even 5. I gave jr his bath last night and put him to bed and watched some TV for a while had a snack but I felt myself dozing off so I went to bed and you can have a million channels on cable and sometimes there's still is nothing worth watching on tv. Today I got up feeling drowsy and lazy and I just think it's a good old fashioned case of the mondays. Mondays is just not my day. I managed to get up on time and make good timing getting ready only to be delayed by the crappy bus service and train service courtesy of the MTA not even my alternative the 6 train came through for me today making me 10 minutes late I'm glad jr therapist isn't coming by till 6:00 today giving me more than enough time to come home and get everything ready. I also cleaned out my drawers taking out old jeans and pants that no longer fit me so now I have to get some jeans and khaki in a smaller size b/c sometimes not even the belt works. Hopefully there are some sales this week or I will have to hold on to them just a little while longer. I ate a little too much yesterday and I'm going to have to work it off today looking at the work out schedules they're no longer offering zumba on Mondays in the Astoria gym only thursdays and fridays which aren't really good for me *sigh* I really liked that teacher. Today they're giving HIIT @ 1:15 in the gym by my job and I'm going to go for it and try it I haven't taken this class before but from what I've seen it's an intense work out and I can sure use it as I ate one cutlet too many a few sweets. I'm still looking for the suggestions for ab exercises I also could use the pick me up as it's 9:00 and I'm still in a slump even though I took the gnc energy supplement kind of makes me wonder if that vitamin pack was just a result of sales tactics we'll see but I must use all the pkgs as it cost me enough if not will try something else. It's 9:00 and time to start working hope my mood will pick up as the day goes on.

Metro - Michael Bloomberg calls terror threat against NYC credible

Metro - Michael Bloomberg calls terror threat against NYC credible

There's a credible threat against the city and I was as millions of other people are scared me even more b/c I work right near the all of it WTC, Park 51, etc. etc. I'm confronted with the reality of 9/11 everyday whether I like it or not and I'm kind of glad that 9/11 falls on a Sunday b/c especially with this threat I probably wouldn't even go in to work if it fell on a Monday or other day during the week. I know that may sound ridiculous to some and it took me a while to get used to the fact that I work in such close proximity to what could be the target of another terrorist attack. I always have everything prepared just in case like wearing sneakers, having my keys, bag and a fully charged cell phone but even with all of that nothing can really prepare you not even the most organized evacuation plans I remember when we felt the shaking due to the VA earth quake you can see the look of panic on people's faces. My main goal would be #1 stay out of the subways #2 Safely get to the williamsburg bridge and walk over it even though i'm terrified of heights My biggest fear is that they would attack the subway system and thanks to intelligence of the military and police many plots and threats have been stopped before they could've inflicted serious damage to the city. I can't believe how 10 years have gone by so fast. I'm praying that they're able to find out more information about this threat and catch them before they do harm to anyone.

Metro - Messages of remembrance

Metro - Messages of remembrance

An underground hero on 9/11: subway operator evacuated passengers and manuevered train to safety after system locked down - NYPOST.com

An underground hero on 9/11: subway operator evacuated passengers and manuevered train to safety after system locked down - NYPOST.com

Thank goodness for this subway operator's quick thinking 800 lives were saved.

Metro - 9/11 first responders denied at memorial service

Metro - 9/11 first responders denied at memorial service

I understand the families are important and I've never been a big fan of our Mayor but to not allow first responders who risk their health, their lives, and some paid with their lives the ultimate sacrifice to help others and not include them in the 9/11 ceremony is such a slap in the face to the people who dedicate their lives everyday as police officers, fire fighters, EMT, to helping the people of our city. Shame on you Bloomberg and not including them in the Zadroga Act either b/c the quacks you appointed are trying to say that there's no proof of cancer or anything else or trying to limit the zone and amount of people to get compensated is kicking people while they're already down.

Rat Attacks Woman In Subway

Rat Attacks Woman In Subway


When I read this article from FOX5 NY News and it scared the crap out of me first off this is where I catch my train and a woman who was waiting for a train was bitten on her foot by a subway rat and was rushed to the hospital. First of all the shock would overcome and then I would be scared of catching any disease, since the subways are very filthy and rats carry tons of germs and disease. MTA says they're doing a good job cleaning the system I doubt it if they had enough rat poison this wouldn't have happened hope she sues them. This area of the train station is also very old and people don't help this problem by throwing garbage on the subway tracks and on the platforms you're just giving them reason to come to the surface and they're getting quite bold. I will not be wearing sandals anytime soon.

Topsy Turvy Thursday

So much for my requests for an uneventful commute and smooth beginning of my day after writing my first entry I went to tackle the pile of dishes in the sink that started to smell not so great as the cat kept meowing for her food finally finishing and spraying the sink down to get rid of the smell emptied trash can and proceeded to jump in the shower after I'm done get dressed and start to prepare my breakfast which is an instant breakfast and I take it out and it turns out to be strawberry instead of chocolate meanwhile the box says chocolate ok there and the rain is pouring down outside and all I feel like doing is crawling right back into bed and getting under my blanket I break open the GNC vitamin pack and take the first part which is the vitamins and energy supplement b/c if there's anything I could use now is a boost of energy and a drink would be real nice too. I go to wake up jr and he doesn't want to wake up can't say I blame him I had to literally pry him out of bed but I wasn't prepared for the the tantrum of the century he threw I tried to be patient with him as he kicked and hit me and I finally had to grab his and sternly tell we had to get ready to no avail b/c he wasn't hearing it I finally lost patient and yelled at him the people in my building must think I'm a real b* or just crazy but when you're under time constraints plus other stress it gets to you and it gets to me too much and too often. I finally get out the front door only to throw the trash in the bsmt. and run for the bus. The tantrum lasted all the way to bus stop and only to see 2 buses one right behind another go right by and all I could was say a few quite 4 letter words to myself as I loathe the MTA and the fact that they could never keep their schedules and service consistent with the needs of the morning rush hour. I realize there's a crowd of ppl waiting at the bus and a bunch of teenagers and it dawned on me that today is the first day of school and I thought WTH now commuting is going to be that much more fun with the school crowds and not enough buses. The MTA slogan "Courtesy is Contagious let it begin with you" is something that doesn't exist in most people's minds I've seen people not give the elderly, pregnant, or women with young kids a seat on the bus or try to bum rush you to get in the bus and boy it makes my blood boil!!! I've went off a few inconsiderate idiots b/c it's being selfish and jeopardizing the safety of the child that being said I notice the teenagers were just going to jump ahead of me with jr and the older ladies and I said oh hell no I ran with him bum rush their rude asses and got on the bus and they just looked at me I had to hold him threw the whole bus ride which thank goodness is a short ride and my shoulders paid the price. I wasn't a teenager that far back and I have to say that the teenagers these days have zero respect for anyone it's all about them and they're quick to get smart with people I think society overall is about themselves. After dropping off jr and venting I run to catch my next bus only to miss and wait for the next. Once it's time for me to catch my train I'm thinking I'll be only 5 minutes late. I get off to catch the train I hate the most the infamous J train only to be stranded for it never to show up and the crowd of people just seemed to get larger and larger on a platform that is not very wide. I couldn't wait for it any longer so I hopped on the M yet again took it for another stop and ran for the 6 train up all of those stairs only for the doors to almost close in my face the energy supplement must've kicked in b/c I pryed those doors open and hopped right in! Finally arriving at the last stop I noticed everyone was in a fog and it showed no one moving at all it must be the weather but nonetheless I was 13 minutes late and can't stay due to yet another appointment this was the fun adventure I had to come and earn a mere bag of shells. I look forward to end of this week and it sure doesn't feel like it's been a short week. I finally took the first pill this morning and feel much more relaxed and I'm crossing my fingers that someone will be able to meet up with me after work tomorrow b/c I could sure use a break.

short week sypnosis

I really wish this rainy weather would stop it doesn't do much for the mood and I need to see the sun already. I think jr has gotten a cold from the change of weather. While it's been a short week it sure hasn't felt like a short work week. I've been up on and off through the night and I know I'm going to feel it tonight but I guess it's because I have a lot on my mind and sometimes this doesn't allow you to get the rest you need note to self take the rx to help you sleep. Yesterday was a long day again consisting of going to the gym and counseling afterward and yesterday I didn't feel as energetic in the gym as I did on Tuesday considering the fact the yesterday was my first day taking this GNC vitamin pack. I did the Just Dance class at the gym and maybe it was b/c we had a different instructor while he's good and energetic he does work you harder and does more jumping and while I've lost some weight I still have to be careful with the jumping and doing certain moves as I don't want to injure my knee or ankles. Once I've lost more weight these things shouldn't bother me as much. After the class I did 30 minutes on the treadmill but only burned 155.5 calories but I also set the machine slower b/c of pain in my knees and ankles I guess everyone is entitled to an off day. Yesterday's counseling session was okay at first I couldn't really find much to talk about in the beginning but we spoke about things that opened up old wounds like the bs with his family, etc. which made me angry and emotional but I noticed this time while I got emotional it wasn't as intense as before I was able to express myself without totally breaking down. He spoke of the divorce proceedings again and spoke of what was discussed with the lawyer and I'm usually pretty good at making decisions but this isn't that cut and dry and a lot of emotions are involved. While I don't undermine the pain of death and losing a loved one at all b/c I do know what that feels like but after a while there's the separation and things get easier with a divorce I think it's worse b/c the person is not dead and when there's a child in the mix and you still have to have contact with one another the healing process is that much more difficult. What he's offering financially for jr is fine with me but I was also told that I'd be entitled to spousal support for 3 yrs which would pretty much leave him broke while a woman scorned would probably wouldn't give a s* it made me think and a small part of me had a twinge of guilt while the extra income would be nice the only thing that's my priority is jr. Pension also came into play and while it wouldn't be much something is better than nothing and I'm not relinquishing that b/c while retirement is a long years away for us who knows what can happen and every little bit helps. He's trying to make this as painless and amicable as possible but it's very difficult and once I read those papers I'm sure I'm not going to like everything in it which is why I'm getting looked over by another attorney before I sign anything. I told him last night no amount of money can take away the pain and the hurt I feel and the ending of a marriage knowing that it didn't work and the reasons it couldn't work I feel like we failed at it and failure is such a bad feeling. I find myself thinking about things I could've done differently what could've been but at the end of the day I realize some things are just not meant to be. It has to be a mutual effort by both parties involved. Last night's counseling session made me realize that impasse we get to regarding his family and other issues are things we will never be on the same page on no matter how many times it's discussed and brought up and at this point it really doesn't matter anymore. He asked if he can watch TV here yesterday b/c there is no TV at his friend's place well how convenient I sarcastically said no tv you two must live a pretty boring existence and I also rubbed it in a little more and said oh he can't have a TV he's too busy singing the kanye west song himself which he says is a low blow but it's the truth. I told him both of them would be singing the same tune very soon. He then asks me to refer to which song and I'm thinking if you have to ask then how is it a low blow? He had 3 wives me, the cable box/dvr, xbox and we start to miss the comforts of home once we no longer have them. I told him not to get to used to the idea as I may be getting rid of cable myself Time Warner is ridiculously expensive and considering my financial situation I'm not sure if I could swing it anymore so if I don't get rid of completely I may downgrade the pkg. I sure wish Verizon Fios would hurry up and come to this area as I've heard it's the same service and cheaper. I also received a call from jr service coordinator mentioning that there's no ADA therapists who work evening hours and I'm thinking WTH more stress? What planet are these people living on? I have to work for a living! I sure wish I could just work part-time or work earlier hours than my 8-4 but that's not my reality or the reality of many other working parents these days who both have to work or have to work more than one job b/c of the ridiculous cost of living these days. She says she will try but she doesn't think she will be successful and considering that I'm going to be single parent in the very near future she's going to have try a little bit harder to find someone at least until my mother moves back to NYC. This is what I hate the most that these city agencies, therapists, always make things harder for parents instead of easier and these endless mtgs with rhetoric and jargon that leave even the person with half a brain in their wondering wth did she just say? Plain english anyone? A pill for relaxation or a drink or two is just what dr ordered about now. Tomorrow is Friday and I just want to chill out no appointments,no gym, nothing. I'm hoping one of my friends will be down to meet up so we can grab a bite to eat or do whatever and considering that I canceled twice on one hopefully my only time to have some real freedom won't be another attempt in vain. Well it's after 5:40 and I've spent all this time blogging when I should've been getting to the pile of dishes that's been there for 2 days and taking out the trash due to the side effects of exhaustion and just plain laziness at times. Hoping for an uneventful commute and an easy day at work and a E train that's not packed like a cattle car at the end of the day hope I will get at least one of these.

back on track

This past weekend was the typical routine with a bonus day off Monday. I was able to get some errands done and have some time to relax. I got a visit from a friend this weekend which is good b/c I don't get to see her all the time. Yesterday was like any typical morning I'm trying to drag myself out of bed and the weather was unseasonably cold in the 60's and raining. Which is totally weird b/c Monday was humid sunny and warm. I actually had to wear a hoody and put long pants on jr. I was able to get to work on time considering that the train stood in the station for what seemed like an eternity. I managed to get a considerable amount of work done and when it was time for lunch I went to the gym and took zumba it was good b/c while I usually go on Thursdays the class on Tuesdays isn't as crowded which gives everyone a lot more space to exercise. After the class the rain really started to come down I went to GNC to look for a fat burner and winded up buying a pkg that comes with the multi-vitamin, energy & metabolism and other things for $29.99 for the first 7 days of the month you get $20 off and other discounts. After work I went to the gym again to kill time before my appointment after 7. I took a new class called kick some abs it was okay after the class was over I did the treadmill for a little over a half hr. I burned 300 calories on the treadmill when I entered all of the food and activity in fitness pal I burned over 940 calories which is great and a first time achievement b/c I've never burned that much since I started exercising. I started keeping track of what I eat through the fitness pal tracker as I got lazy during my vacation days and I didn't realize that when my phone got factory reset I didn't realize I lost the app also. After getting off the treadmill I felt kind of dizzy so I caught my breath and went to the lockeroom and sat for a few seconds. When it was time for me to walk to the office the rain really started to come down which makes a short walk seem longer. My appointment was for 7:15 I didn't get until after that when I actually had to ask what was going on. I can never get what is the point of appointments and scheduling software if you can't keep the times. I talked to her and I was given two rxs to help me sleep and relax. Before she gave them to me I was weighed and since I've started I've lost 26 lbs. but she says I still have to lose more which I know of course. This has encouraged me to keep going and try to keep my diet healthier and avoid sweets and other junk I shouldn't eat. I can't eat it if I don't buy it. It was after 8 pm when I left the office and the weather being bad mr fashion show offered to pick me up and while I probably would've said no on any given occassion the weather and my tiredness made me say yes. Jr was happy to see me and I went to pick up rx and stuff for him. I told him I'd be using his card since my funds are limited and I figure he's the reason behind the rx so why not let him pay for it. When I got home I had my leftovers from the previous night gave jr his bath and put him to bed it was after 9 and I just crashed with him it was a long day but an active one. Today is our counseling session and I'm wondering where this session will go today. I will go to the gym before the session to help me relax and just keep with the weekly exercise routine. I've yet to find an exercise to tone my stomach and abs that doesn't hurt my neck *sigh* if anyone has any suggestions I'd like to hear them b/c it seems like I've lost weight everywhere but not enough in this area. I notice when I jumped I notice a slight jiggle so have work on toning the rear too but not as much as the stomach. I received a call from jr new therapist and we will meet her next week but it's not the specialized therapist I thought we'd get I guess that won't happen until after the mtg. I wish these people would be more clear when they explain things to us. Well off to start another work day hope it will go smooth and be uneventful.

friday is here

Today is Friday and I'm glad it's been one heck of a week. I'm looking forward to the long weekend as I can always use an extra day of rest and even more if I actually had some "me" time. I'm trying to get back on my exercise schedule and tracking what I eat and wow is it hard it seems like there's a million calories in everything and I lost track of keeping track with the fitness pal tracker. I went to the gym twice this week yesterday was zumba at lunch and it was good this instructor while he's not my favorite he's slowed down his pace a little b/c before he was way too fast and I guess they must've told him to slow down b/c there are older people who are in the class and certain medical problems that ppl can't overexert themselves. This week was the counseling session and I had gone to the gym before the session so I felt good and relaxed I held it together for the first half of the session I explained what has happened up to this point with him and I expressed my anger disappointment with him. We both got emotional and he also pissed me off with some of his comments. Yesterday was my own session and it was okay it helps to have someone listen and understand what you're going through. Sometimes the bus ride alone from the gym or therapy is relaxing enough for me provided the buses are running on schedule and I can actually sit down. He watched jr while I was at the session and when I return I find him in the livingroom with jr and jr is happy to see me. When I saw him it was the same get up the american eagle shirt etc. a walking fashion show and those annoying big glasses that I'd love to stomp to pieces. I made it a point to tell he was a walking fashion show and should be on the cover of a magazine. He had bags of food on the floor and when I looked in them he questions why you'd think it was for a rabbit, there was tomatoes, bags of grapes, a bottle of vinegar, and red onions. After this he's ready to go and he says goodbye and my name ____ and I say goodbye and close the door after some time I get a knock on the door and mr fashion show forgets his cell and takes it off the charger and I said goodbye again but this time I couldn't resist the temptation to shout another insult and I said get bent as he walked down the stairs. He made a whole batch of sofrito and tells me saved some for me? huh (twilight zone music) wtf? Is this the actions of someone who no longer feels the same way? Extremely conflicting messages indeed. My therapist says sarcasm is a form of anger but it's wonderfully therapeutic for me to say remarks to him it's better than being depressed. I look at mr match.com and I'm in awe yummy I think to myself and considering the fact that I might as well be a born again virgin makes me think about a lot of things I shouldn't lol. I even looked up the sign Aries and it says both Leo (that's me) and Aries are really good in this area I guess we can all dream and fantasize that's about as far it's going to get for now. I was told by my friend last night to whom I fwd his pic I need to be alone for a while and thing is I don't know how to be alone when you're part of a couple for 11+ yrs. and find yourself alone and possibly back on the scene in the long term it's an extremely scary thing let's face it I've been off the market since 2000 and lots of things have changed since then. If I eventually decide to complete my profile I think I just want a friendship for now and for those of you who think friends with benefits that's also something I won't do. While it seems convenient for some this type of arrangement doesn't work everyone and people always think they have control over this but once you throw sex into the mix it changes things unless you really are focused that's all you want from from the beginning. It's 5 to 1 and I'm ready for lunch I had a soup yesterday and I'm not trying to be bad and eat things I shouldn't but Little Italy Pizza seems to calling my name today one slice shouldn't be too bad. I need to see the sun and take a walk as there are no windows in here.