ending of a year

It's been a busy last month and a half with the arrival of my family from Florida and just the daily life routine I haven't had much time for posting. Thanksgiving was bitter sweet and quiet due to the situation but Xmas will be different with family being around and all its amazing how many things can happen in one years time I was still married and we had been celebrating Xmas in Florida for the past few yrs now it will be here in nyc and now I'm alone in the process of divorce and these past few months haven't been easy emotionally financially or otherwise but with the support of friends and family therapist I've been able to find the inner strength within myself to push forward and keep living my life. Now that this year is coming to a close I'm looking forward to a new year new beginning and trying to take it one day at a time I'm impressed with how much weight I've lost but my first onofficial new years resolution is to drop another 20 lbs it will be hard but worth it. Another is to have better money mgmt skills. Lately I've been feeling a feeling I haven't felt in a long time happiness. I've been talking to someone from site I'm a member of and after many disappointing encounters I got a wink from this individual and after being let down so many times b/c bs comes in all shades of brown and from many places I almost didnt reply but took a chance and I'm glad I did I forgot what the feeling of the dating scene talking and flirtation is lol we've had interesting and steamy conversations but I'm looking fwd to the meeting and it seems like something always gets in the way but I will be patient as the right time will come. I'm praying that this will be a good thing as I'm tired of the drama feeling hurt and worrying about the past and things that are over and done. Happy is a good feeling and I want to experience more of this feeling in the coming year '12. Things with the divorce are moving forward and I'm anxious to sign and move forward but the slow wheels of the court system and lawyers who drag their feet make moving on that much slower than it should be but I know I will probably feel sad and cry when that day comes but I will also feel relieved I realize that I can't continue to beat myself up over this we I tried my best and he did too sometimes even our best isn't good enough sometimes . Received Jr progress report and he's doing well in school has issues with sharing which is normal for toddlers but overall is good. I'm finally taking some time for me to go to Dr and get checked out since its been a while want to make sure all is right with me. Tomorrow is the last day before Xmas eve and I will take it do last minute shopping as it will be a ghost town in the office well off to another session and window shopping in queens hoping to find some newthings with ny &co gift card

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windy wednesday

Last night I had a great work out but it always seems when I'm going to work out it's always raining hard and windy outside which doesn't do much for your umbrella especially if it's a cheap one. When I'm walking in the street I see the public trash cans full of those cheap umbrellas or lot of them broken. I went to my appt last night and I haven't gained or lost weigh and while I'm glad I haven't gained any weight I'm kind of disappointed I haven't lost any more weight but a part of it is my fault b/c I have to start making better diet choices and resist sweets which is very hard for me to do. I'm even considering joining weight watchers even though I really can't afford it. After a tiring day I had no problem falling asleep last night and I woke up early before 5 to be exact so I'm sure I will be feeling it tonight. Tonight is our counseling visit and he's expressed that he wants to stop going and I think eventually I do too while they both encourage that it's a good thing for us it's also an inconvenience and an additional expense to leave jr at the sitter while we are there so I think down the road we will stop going so I can free up my wednesdays again. Today was a very cold windy morning thank goodness I put jr coat on and put on my jacket and I was hoping what I hope everyday to be on time I get into the city and the Dunkin donuts has no hot chocolate only mint chocolate so I had to walk around the block to the next one making me 5 minutes late unreal I mean seriously it's the city morning rush they should make sure that they have enough supplies for the customers. My stepfather finally went on the road last night and made it to FL before 2pm which is excellent timing and they should be on the road by tomorrow or friday. I'm anxious to see my mother my brother again and the cats. I'm sure it's going to be a hectic few days while they get settled it's going to be an adjustment process but I will be glad to have her back again. I decided to pull the plug on the other dating site I was on b/c honestly I lost my patience and interest in the person I was talking to after not getting a response to my question or any indications of us mtg up or a text msg I decided to disable my account b/c as I said in my previous entry I'm way too old to be playing games like this leave this type of crap for teenagers I'm sure he is a nice guy but like the first they have a lot of issues b/c of bad break ups and while I understand the pain and trauma this can have on a person if you don't put yourself out there you will never know and if you just want a friend to talk to you just say that and don't waste a person's time so next in line please. I received a message from a guy on my other site and he seems like a very nice respectable guy and we have a lot in common and he's cute so I'm crossing my fingers things will lead to at least a meeting and just take things slowly. It's fun chatting with someone who actually shows interest in you. I haven't felt happy in a long time and I look forward to feeling that way again provided it is the right person. The only thing that kind of scared me is he has a pit bull and I'm not really fond of dogs especially that breed but he says she's a good girl well I sure hope so so if we ever do meet I don't have my hand torn off. Lunch time I had my lean cuisine healthy pizza and went for my walk couldn't find my $5 headphones so I had to spend $8 on maxell phones well it's better than nothing it's simply tortorous not being to listen to music while getting work done at my desk or tuning out the commuter noise. Well the 3:00 stretch has arrived I look forward to the week end to get some much needed rest and prepare for their arrival this weekend.

another fun ride

It was a very boring day at work today to the point that not even my music or the web helped. I went to return my last pair of jeans and got some other stuff since I've lost weight shopping has become fun again now I'm on the dreaded 7 train and its packed with the usual aholes who slam their way into a train or seat I'm a glutton for punishment I either like this zumba instructor a lot or I'm dedicated to working out or just plain stupid I really wish astoria would change back to their old schedule so I can go back less congested and less crowded. Have another appt so I will be leaving class early again I hope to get a good spot tonight I'm hoping when I return home he will have nothing to say b/c I'm honestly not in the mood to hear it. Well off to zumba and forget about everything and relax

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tired tuesday

The year is almost over and it's been quite a year thanksgiving came and went and after the thanksgiving parade once Santa makes his appearance it's the official start of the xmas season and shopping plus black friday. I'm just not into the holiday spirit this year with the separation which will eventually become a divorce I felt very depressed this year it was only me and another relative who cooked the turkey and rice, etc. it's better to be with someone than totally alone on the holidays but for most of the morning I just lounged and watched tv and eventually got dressed took advantage of the nice weather and got some laundry done and take a walk to get my mind off of things. The dinner was excellent as it always is but the feeling I'd always get in holidays past isn't there but I'm hoping xmas will be better since my mother and brother are coming back. They say divorce is like a death I think it's worse b/c with a death there's separation a divorce while there's separation you have ties to this person and still have to have interaction especially when there's a kid involved like my case makes the healing process that much harder it's always a constant reminder of the failure of the relationship I try not to think about it so much and be so hard on myself but I'm a person who puts very high standards on myself and sometimes when things don't work out I tend to feel really bad about things. The dating scene is another situation putting yourself out there isn't easy and so far I've talked to two people and it's just that talking no meetings yet and I'm kind of wondering what the point of this is? Talking is good but if you don't interact with someone how will you know if you both click or not? I've been talking with someone for over a month and I think he's a nice guy and cute but honestly I'm starting to lose my patience with him and I actually pointed that out to him and I wanted to know what he thought so far and I got no response. I'm too old to play games like this seriously I understand you've been hurt and all but if you don't try to let someone in and let them get to know you and allow yourself to be cared for you're losing out on a potentially good experience sometimes I also look at this as a sign that maybe I need to stay alone for a while as many people suggested but I have to say that being alone isn't easy and considering that I haven't gotten laid in a while keeps being something that I constantly battle with but sometimes it's the best thing considering all the idiots out there on the dating scene. I recently got an email from someone on a dating scene who seemed really nice and wanted to give me his number but I'm very hesistant b/c I'm thinking is this going to be another dead end? So my response has been in draft status until I decide or if I decide to respond. He's also in law enforcement like my ex which my mother isn't happy about at all she says they have a bad reputation but what she doesn't realize is that the end of my marriage had nothing to do with what he does for a living while sometimes it was hard to conform to the schedule and I'd get upset when he was out of the house a lot there were serious issues between us that caused the demise of the relationship. It was a mutual thing he messed up and so did I could I have been a better wife? Sure I could've could he have been a better partner? of course but sometimes things just don't work out. Last night on my way home from work he calls to tell me about my place being a mess again and I just didn't feel like arguing about I just yes him to death and when I arrived home it was akward. I cleaned up a little took down laundry and folded new clothing I tried to keep to the back of my apt and when I was done it was off to the gym near my way for zumba. I had never taken her before and I liked her class will look into taking it again as travelling long distances can take it's toll after a while on me this class I'm home in 10 minutes tops which is convenient. Today is tuesday and I feel just as tired and mundane as yesterday I'm hoping by wednesday I feel somewhat better. One of the things I took advantage of this week is black friday I took advantage of some good deals online and off and spent a ton of money but I'm happy with the things I got sadly I had to return my jeans b/c of the size but everything is good. This weather is very weird for this time of year it feels like spring instead of Fall but I'm sure the cold weather will come eventually again and we'll be wishing for the sun and warmth again. I'm trying to stay focused and awake at my desk not very easy to do at times. Going to try to get through this week and keep in mind that things can be a lot worse than they are and just try to keep my spirits up and look forward to when my mother arrives possibly this weekend which things will become so much easier once she arrives.

under the covers wednesday

Ever have one of those days where you just don't feel like doing much? or everything is going wrong? Well today started off like that. I had zero motivation and I winded up missing my earlier bus plus two connecting buses I just felt like walking home and going back to bed and the slow speed of the trains doesn't help. What made me even later was that the park entrances have been closed due to Occupy Wall Street (OWS) coming to Foley Square while I get their plight go home already I as well as other New yorkers are in a rush to get to work on time. Yesterday was a busy day here as we were given the go ahead to start moving back into our original space what was going to be a few weeks in a temp space turned into 5 months but that's the city speed of working not actual time. If there is one thing I hate more it's moving whether it's office moving or moving to another apartment. It's when you realize how much crap you accumulate in your drawers or b/c you have so much crap you start finding things that you couldn't find for months and seem brand new all of a sudden. I cleaned out my desk and shredded and I'm sure I'm going to have more shredding and organizing to do once my box gets up stairs. I cleaned my old spot before I left which is something most people don't do at least I'm considerate in that way. When we arrived downstairs we had our work cut out for us the spaces were a mess and I wondered how can people work under these filthy conditions I had to spray my spot 3 times just sanitize and clean alcohol on the phones, etc. Cleaned up here as well. I haven't been feeling well since yesterday he told me not to go to my usual gym which pissed me off b/c I like that class but I didn't want to argue with him so I did but our agreement was he'd meet me half way when I was done but this one likes to change things and make them up as he goes along another one of our many issues. B/c of how I felt I really wasn't into class last night I probably should've just went home. I got home and my step father had made dinner for which I'm eternally grateful b/c I sure didn't have the energy to do it. I took left overs for today's lunch and I printed out a whole bunch of recipes off the internet to inspire myself to stop being lazy and cook during the week. We'll see if I follow through b/c take out can get expensive even if I try to keep it cheap like I usually do nothing like food made at home. He also saw the apt across the hall and he liked it and most likely they're going to take it and you can't get any closer than right across the hall from each other but it kind of complicates things if I want to have "company" eventually LOL so I may decide to move once things settle down and I have the money and time to look for a place. I will still remain in the neighborhood b/c I do like the area for it's conveniences. This year has been hard and I'm not exactly in the holiday spirit this year due to all of changes I've been going through and continuing to go through. I'm usually very into thanksgiving and xmas but for the past few years I haven't even put up a tree since I've gone down to FL for xmas in the past but this year I will be at home and my mother is asking me if I'm putting up a tree and honestly I don't feel like it but I will do some decorating even if it's just lights on the windows. I think Mr. Woodside (won't use anyone's real name) is coming around he msg me last night but I was knocked out due to being exhausted but our conversations are always good but he's jaded too I can't blame him so am I so I suggested that we meet just as friends this way there are no expectations. When you say "date" there are expectations and nerves kick in, etc. or as someone put on their date site this is my online date resume. It's almost like a job interview if you think about it b/c we're all looking for a certain look, personality, even some go as far as a certain income and an educational background. No expectations in my opinion is best if something happens great if not it will be just another hang out partner which is great the more friends the better. I can always use some distraction from the daily life routine/stress. I'm in deseprate need of a vacation and this year I want to go someplace different other than Florida while Florida is great and there are many parts to see I want to go somewhere where I've never been like California or any other state it would be a great experience. Well it's past 9 and it's time to finish getting settled back into my spot I sure hope I feel better at the end of the day

life recap

I usually make time to blog but lately I've been so busy with my day to day things going on in my life that I didn't have much time for it last month. Last month Jr started pre-school and he seemed to get used to it pretty fast but as with everything there's always some source of stress or stupidity going on and lately it's with the bus company who picks him up they're consistently late too lazy to ring a bill to let his sitter know they're outside and a request to get him velcro closure sneakers b/c they're too damn lazy to tie his shoes and I ask myself wtf is wrong with people it seems like no one wants to do their freaking jobs these days everyone is always looking for an easy way out. I finally caved in and got the velcro closure sneakers b/c I was tired of hearing about it but the bus issue is yet to be resolved. He missed one day of school this week which pissed me off due to their incompetence and he can't miss school b/c he needs his therapy sessions and I've noticed that it's working b/c he's speaking more clearer and using a lot more words. Last week I was called to go in and pick him up b/c he had the runs and honestly by the time I left work @1 and had to wait for that annoying J train he could've went home in the school bus. It pissed me off b/c I could've used those 2 hours of sick leave for something really important these people think that everyone has the luxury of staying home or staying home and living off the system and I don't I have to go to work and my hours of leave have to be conserved they say that they "understand" working parents um no you don't if you expect to drop everything at a moment's notice so I'm crossing my fingers his grandmother gets here by the end of this month so if he's sick she can get him. This Halloween jr was spongebob and he looked adorable his father took him trick or treating around the area and he came home with a huge bag of candy. It was sad that we didn't do the tradition of taking him to Sesame Place as we had done in previous years but due to situation it wasn't possible. We can only tolerate each other in small doses for short periods of time and honestly he gets on my freaking nerves after a while. Last weekend began my free weekend my first one I had in a very long time so I treasure them to just clean sometimes run errands shop or just do nothing but lounge. Friday night I went out with a good friend of mine to Chili's for dinner in long island I'd rather go to Westbury to not so crowded and very easy to find parking we had some frozen strawberry margaritas 2 for 1 and I loved it b/c with all of the stress I feel I needed one and it was strong and the fact that I hadn't eaten just made me get buzzed that much faster it was great we both blew off some steam and it feels great to have a person to listen at times. I look forward to doing it more often. He says he's going to take me to a lounge and I think I went to one once and I didn't like it but I'm sure there are better ones. Lounge/Bar/Clubs have never been my scene even in my 20's so now that I find myself alone again it's an area I'm looking to explore but he warns that we have to be cautious with the ones you attend b/c they can attract certain kinds of crowds and this is sort of the reasons I'd avoid the scene altogether b/c for one or a few idiots the whole evening can get ruined and now that I'm in my 30's I want to deal with that shit even less. Near my area I saw a dance studio offering dance classes in bachata, salsa, for beginners, etc. and each time I've passed by in the car I always hear the music and I notice everyone seems to have so much fun b/c while I may be hispanic I can't dance to save my life sad but true I need to learn how to relax and let loose so I might consider it. The most exposure I get to dance is when I go to my zumba classes which have also helped lose a lot of weight so far I've lost 36 lbs and I'm 25 lbs away from my goal I started doing more work on the machines particularly the ab machine b/c while I've lost a lot of weight I'm trying to get rid of the belly and be able to be ready for summer again when the time comes. My last visit at the dr I lost 3 more lbs but the constant battle I have is the diet I slip up a lot and I need to have better will power and stay away from sweets which is my downfall. I notice my old navy sweet heart jeans are starting to get loose which means I'm going to need a 10 soon seems like it happened so fast I mistakenly bought a 10 levis a few weeks back but they fit pretty well a little tight in the waist but they stretch. I still have been cleaning out my drawers to make room for the smaller clothing. I've also gone out and bought make up some I barely would wear in the past so it seems like i'm reconnecting and taking better care of me but many things remain up in the air like when this divorce is going to be final and how fast time flies it's been 3 months since he moved out before you know it a year will have passed by. Life happens and time waits for no one so I'm trying to enjoy my life and live in peace but I have to admit I can get lonely at times and with my hectic schedule it's hard to make time for me and with the current assortment of douche bags on the dating scene doesn't make it easier and while to some it may seem like I'm moving too fast into that scene having a friend to go out with once in a while and I have to admit the fact that I haven't gotten laid in months is and has been starting to grow on me lol so much that I feel like I'm going to go up the wall at times people have told me to get toys alrighty there and just have a fwb (friend with benefits) something I NEVER considered in the past I pretty much was a straight arrow of a person when it came to things like that but lately my hormones are singing a different tune but I'm cautious about the emotional consequences of this. Maybe a friend of some sort is just what the dr ordered lol we'll see what happens b/c I don't think I want anything serious right now as I haven't even signed on the dotted line and the emotional side effects from that isn't going to be easy but I will feel a sense of relief when it finally does happen but also a sense of sadness and failure. A guy I've been talking to and I gave my number hasnt called and I asked him about as I'm very direct and he confessed that he was hesitant and shy I was like wow I never expect to hear that from a guy it surprised me but it also made me feel a jerk b/c I kind of misjudged him since I hadn't heard from him I guess I'm not the only who is cautious of putting themselves out there. Very sad but unfortunately there are a lot of aholes, game players, out there who don't consider the feelings of people they come in contact with so I will keep on talking to him and see where it goes and I hope we do meet even if its to be friends (regular) friends. Some good news came our way the real estate told me that there's two available apartments in the area so it will be possible for my mother to return back to NY and I'm crossing my fingers things go well b/c I can sure use her help. It's been hard all of these years without especially when jr was a baby and a younger toddler. November 5 jr turned 3 and it seemed like 3 years just flew by just like that it seems like yesterday that I gave birth and I was bringing him home from the hospital. He can be a handful at times but he's my joy. I'd love to have another baby one of these days if I actually find a guy who is for real and isn't just another one who I will put under the douche bag category. I'm learning a lot of hard lessons from this separation and some of them is that life is too short and you can't forget about yourself which in a way I did for many years and no matter how bad we want something sometimes it's just not meant to be. I'm sure there will be others just haven't thought of them yet. Talking to my sitter I realize I'm not the only one who's going through changes two other women are going through some real messed up stuff and I ask myself sometimes wth is wrong with us as people? what do we want? I think a lot of people's expectations are unrealistic. I heard her say one of the husbands is leaving her b/c she's chubby totally ridiculous. People who seek perfection will be sorely disappointed b/c it doesn't exist true real love is unconditional . Let him find a barbie doll even they get lose their novelty after a while. Beauty is only skin deep or in the eye of the beholder and I think self respect, good morals, and intelligence matters more than physical beauty b/c you can beautiful on the outside but if you have nothing more than your looks to bring to table that's sad. Or the ones who expect you to work a full time job clean and have an old school latino dinner every freakin day those days are gone and times have changed but some people never evolve. I made an attempt for my son's sake to celebrate his birthday with his father on saturday and it didn't work out he just aggravated me to no end and I had to pay for my movie and half of the meal which is sort of a slap in the face b/c had it been me I know I would've paid for the meal for him but some people are just in a class by themselves. Words were exchanged feelings were hurt and I said NEVER again but at least we get a A for effort for trying the most important thing is jr enjoyed his bday for the most part. Counseling has worked for the most part and at times emotions just get in the way but I'm able to communicate better b/c of it and we are for the sake of jr but it's a long road but in the end I think everyone will be happier b/c of it. I look forward to the new adventures that may come my way in the next few months and on that note I have to get back to work b/c it's past 10 and things have to get done.

the rebirth of j

These past few months haven't been easy for me with all of the life changes I've been experiencing as far as our marriage being over it seems like another chapter of my life has started the side I forgot about long ago I'm doing me now and it feels great been doing tons of shopping cleaning and out throwing out old clothing that either doesn't fit or go with my new found style. It's time for me to get my sexy swagger back that I once had and putting yourself out there on the market isn't easy as there are so many people out there on dating web pgs and off who are so full of shit and games its pathetic meanwhile I've read a million ppl profiles who claim they want no drama or games yet they do just that I spoke to a nice guy for a few days online and I really liked him a lot and the fact that I haven't gotten laid in months started to grow on me I gave him my# and as we exchanged msgs I became turned off I realize he's either so jaded from being hurt that he's afraid to let someone in or a douche or a combo of both but what I realized is I'm moving too fast and I need to think with my not my libido b/c while I have needs I also don't need any more drama or pain in my life I sometimes wonder if I will ever find a man who will love me for me I know we're not perfect but if we don't even try to let someone in we won't get far and I feel bad for him but I think I'm going to just keep it as a friend only thing and another red flag was the family issue and lord knows that was a cause of much conflict in my marriage and another issue I don't want to relive with anyone. What I know is I'm a good woman with a heart of gold and a lot of love and understanding to give the right person so I will keep looking and keep pushing forward I've lost more weight and I'm now a size 12 but I also notice even my gym clothes is starting to get big on me too. I'm going to try to get down to a 10 if I was an 8 even better but small steps. Lots of cleaning buying and a lot changes to come but the complete healing process is going to take time I can't believe the yr is almost gone and Jr will be 3 next month and I can't figure out what to do for his bday this year as sesame Pl is most likely out of the question had a good work out today and I can't wait to get soemthing to eat and chill as we have a long wknd

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pressure is not a good thing

I felt so tired and bored yesterday and last night's zumba class was pretty good we did some brazilian music and routines which were new and the music sounds pretty nice even though I can't understand a word of it but you don't have to I guess just the beat can be good. It was the instructor's birthday and we all signed a card and some of the other ladies were nice enough to get her a cake and balloons and took a collection which was a very nice gesture. I left the class early b/c I didn't want to be late to the office and I made with enough time but last night's session was anything but positive sadly. I expressed the stress I've been feeling with scheduling conflicts of these therapists and how this "coordinator" is full of it and all of these people in early intervention, etc. I called this person today expressing my difficulties with scheduling only to be told that my schedule requirements are unrealistic but what these people don't get is that I'm a working parent and unless they're going to pay me to stay home they're requirements are feasible either. They don't get that not everyone can afford to stay home or live off the system and have their rent paid by section 8 so excuse me for being a single parent and having to bust my a** working. Last night he really got me pissed off talking about how I forgot about a letter like I don't have enough shit on my mind and when I get it he tells me he no longer needs it needs another plus dr report and throws a hissy fit when it was time for me to get out of the car. I felt like punching him in the face he had me so annoyed. He thinks I can just wave a magic wand and make things happen I can't control when and if someone calls back and how fast they're going to do things. Funny thing is he hasn't mentioned a thing about the divorce I guess reality has set in that things aren't as cut and dry as he thinks and plus the expense of the whole process which I stand firm he will be paying for even he had to pawn his balls b/c this is not something I wanted. He mentions an incident where I got pissed off last week b/c he was flirting with the cashier at the drive through and has the nerve to tell me it's no longer my concern I was like gtfo as long as you're still legally married to me and you haven't signed on that dotted line it sure is I felt it was a total lack of respect b/c I guess its easier for you to move on when you don't feel anything for that person any more and don't see how someone does and it's not a switch that I can turn on and off I sure wish it was that simple. He says maybe I should talk to someone it would help me move on faster yeah go *** yourself I'm not someone who just lets people in that easy especially a man, he'd have to be a pretty special guy who has his shit together, a good job, caring, respects the fact that I have a son, etc. Tomorrow is the CPSE mtg and I can't help but feel nervous b/c I'm hoping the outcome is good and we get a school placement b/c I really don't want him receiving any services at home no more, I'm tired of the scheduling conflicts and all of the bs with this early intervention agency and I know with CPSE and CSE it doesn't get any easier but at least he will be in a school setting and the providers come to the school so that's a big load off my shoulders but the next catch is the program is most likely 5 hours and I work 7 hrs. so the fun continues and I may still have to pay for babysitting so I'm hoping that my mother can get down here by November so I won't have to anymore b/c that's another financial stressor I will no longer have. So far things are going ok at the rehab center for him and he's talking to a therapist so I'm positive that things will start to look up for him and I will continue to keep him in my thoughts that they will. I'm trying to relax and take a deep breath and chill but it's very hard with everything going on hoping for the best outcome but preparing to deal with what comes. I will have another free day this weekend which is good b/c I can use some time to relax chill and catch up on some rest. Off to lunch time work out so I can distract my mind even if it's just for a little while.

sleepy wednesday

Today is just one of those days where you feel like staying in bed and the gloomy weather outside doesn't help this feeling. I struggled to get into work on time today as I always do and managed to make it although I had to switch trains twice. This past weekend was a relaxing one as it was a "me" weekend and I took full advantage of it watched some TV, did some much needed lounging cleaning and some shopping on sunday at Target I was going to venture out to other stores but got an unexpected headache so I made a detour back home to rest some more. Tuesday I decided to venture out to Old Navy to get some much needed jeans as the ones I have are huge on me, I tried on two different styles and I got one in a size 12 and the other a 14 and I even went down a size in shirt. It feels good to finally get some nicer smaller clothes I went through my drawers and have put a whole bunch of jeans capris and things that are too big which I will donate b/c they're in good shape. My second part of retail therapy was at Victoria Secret where I got some perfumes and other stuff I spent a lot of money but I rarely ever treat myself to both places unless there's a very good sale. My next store I want to get some things at is NY & Co. they have some great clothing but I don't want to buy too much since my goal is to continue losing weight. Did some zumba on Monday and today is counseling again so it will be a long day and I always feel it at the end when all I want to do is throw myself in bed. I tackled the dishes last night and took out the trash and I couldn't believe I let them sit there that long which is just out of pure exhaustion or laziness. This week is the CPSE mtg for jr and it has me very nervous b/c I'm hoping there is a good outcome and we get a school placement and if they give us transportation even better. I have all of these calls to return to try and accommodate of all these therapists and it gets to the point where they all drive me bananas at times. I sure wish I didn't even have to try and coordinate all of these visits and balance every other task. This weekend was pretty uneventful so I don't think he will have anything negative to say about it but we'll see where tonight's session will take us it's always to a different place every time. This weekend I posted my photo on the match page but took it off later I got cold feet and need to work on my profile. I read through tons of them all the time and some are good but the anxiety of meeting new people isn't easy I feel loneliness a lot and really wish I had someone to just hang out with go to a movie, grab a bite to eat and chill out as the weeks pass it gets a little bit easier and I'm sure I will feel better as the months pass by but as the saying says life does go on and I don't want to find myself dwelling on things that will never be no matter how much I wanted it to be or that I cannot undo or change. Had a good slice of pizza from little italy and I was bad today got a regular pepsi I almost forgot what regular soda tastes like but I desperately needed an energy jolt that only caffeine can give you well lunch time is over back to work.... maybe an after work work out will perk me up, let's hope. :)

Fall like friday

Today is Friday my favorite day of the week and for once things finally worked in my favor I was able to pry myself out of bed and actually catch the early bus and be in the city with enough time to stop at the store and walk to work and still be on time. Prying jr out of bed took a little bit more work. Yesterday was pay day and already a portion of my paycheck has vanished into thin air *sigh*. A portion going to babysitting fees and other bills. I've been looking for ways to cut corners on my budget especially due to the new living situation and I was ready to call Time Warner and cancel their service b/c it's too expensive but I'm getting rid of an extra box, dvr, and their locking me into their promotional pricing for another 2 yrs hopefully by then or before Verizon Fios will hurry up and come to my area of Queens so I can finally send them packing. We got a late start to the day b/c the entire network was down till about 10:00 so we pretty much just talked until it was back up but what's not so fun is catching up on work to make up for the lost time. Yesterday when I left the counseling center I got my first preview of Fall weather and boy was it windy and cold if it wasn't for the fact that I had a hoody on I would've frozen on my way to the train station and waiting for the bus which was ridiculously over crowded so much that I had to let 2 buses passes until I was able to get on one. Today was just as windy and cold and I have no clothing for fall/winter so I have to start preparing as well as jr. I have to say fall or autumn in NY is one of my favorite seasons of the year the leaves turn beautiful shades of yellow, red, orange, etc. the weather starts to get cooler and more tolerable, and it's always a sign that jr birthday is coming soon. I can't believe he will be turning 3 soon. Time flew by so fast and it seems like yesterday that I was bringing him home from the hospital. I received a call from his service coordinator and the meetings to add the therapy plus CPSE are due to be scheduled soon and I have to say that I'm not looking forward to them b/c of my past experience and this service coordinator had the audacity to say that she wouldn't be present at these mtgs and she usually isn't and then I ask myself then what is the point of you being called a service coordinator? I was trying to find a parent advocate by calling information today and I had no luck. I called a number from a blog and while the lady was very nice I didn't realize she was a private consultatnt and charged $85 hr. for her services which there is no way in heck I can afford so I took down what ever numbers she gave me and was on my way to the next thing. I know she meant well but she was giving me a headache asking me all of these questions, etc. I'm a pretty good advocate but perhaps I needed to gather the reports together and then call her or anyone else. I didn't realize getting services for jr would be so hard and I'm hoping that we don't have to get a lawyer b/c there's no way I can afford it w/o going through my union or legal aid society I think it's so messed up how they want to make parents lives so hard. I found out today that they had the nerve to tell my friend whose child needs an evaluation that his insurance wouldn't pay for it and I ask myself what's the point of insurance? If we can't even rely it on to cover the necessary things! These are times when I ask why? why me? why our son? etc. but I realize while it's good to vent I have to keep trying to find a way to make things work for us and him b/c the harsh reality is the system sucks we just have to learn what our rights are, and learn how to be better navigators through it. I will have to catch up on some housework when I get home as the dishes in the sink and the trash can are calling my name and the rest of the house can wait this week is "me" time and I may not get it often but I will enjoy it to the fullest this time around.

preparing, healing, adjusting, boundaries, etc.

Yesterday was a long day longer than most b/c I was late but I was glad to have gotten a seat home on both trains. I asked him to do me the favor and take me to the store so I can pick up a few groceries and I have to say that things like this are very akward for me to ask of him b/c we're no longer a couple but it's not exactly easy for me to go shopping with jr either and lug a shopping cart full of groceries or a cart of laundry. I went and got the stuff put it away and it was off to counseling. We arrived early and it was an akward silence in the car and I was counting down the minutes until it was time for us to go in. Yesterday's session we talked about the importance of making a schedule and sticking to it as far as pick up and drop off times and other subjects but while it was akward but it was helpful at the same time. I expressed that there are times I feel very lonely and sad b/c I feel that this was just brought on me so fast but little by little I'm getting used to the fact that this is a harsh reality that will come to a legal reality in the near future I think deep down inside I held on to that last possible shred of hope that we'd get back together and try to work things out but when you still have feelings for someone this happens but he made a comment to me last night that was something along the lines of if I did start talking to someone he wouldn't have a problem with it, and that hurt but it made me think chances are if he said that and he won't confirm it he's the one who is now talking to someone else. It's a painful reality that I must start trying to make a stronger effort to move on as hard as it is sometimes. October will be here next month and we made it a tradition to always take jr to Sesame Place for their Halloween celebration but I realize that this probably won't happen this year due to the circumstances and I mentioned this at the session yesterday and felt tears in my eyes b/c these are things I miss the family time not all of the other drama and stupidity that has made this separation a reality so I ask myself should I bite the bullet and go with him to Sesame Place so my son can enjoy the shows, characters, treats along with getting a new costume or should I not b/c of the akward situation I will find myself in? This is hard but I'm going to have do some thinking abou that. A few days ago we had another scare with someone close to me and now he's been accepted into a rehab program and i'm so happy for him b/c needs the help and the program is free which had also been a road block for as many of the programs require insurance or a large amount of money so I'm crossing my fingers he will be able to finish it and get the help he really needs so he will be able to life a decent life and achieve good things b/c besides all of this he's a smart person who has done well in the past but this will push back the move back to NYC but that's ok for me b/c him getting well is more important than anything else for now. Last night I had no problem falling asleep and neither did jr but he sure didn't want to get up this morning never really does. I set the alarm to go off LOUD and I woke up alright got ready and we got our bus with enough time and I got in here early enough so that I will be on time to my next appointment tonight. I'm still debating on whether or not I will do the lunch time zumba today I went on Tuesday but for some reason I wasn't totally into it and he was late so that kind of throws things off too we'll see. So far I haven't received any responses regarding jr's medical reports or an appointment for a mtg and this is really getting ridiculous b/c the more they drag their feet the longer we have to wait for an appropriate school placement, etc. Looks like we're going to have a light a fire cracker under these people yet again. This weekend is going to be a "me" weekend and I'm so looking forward to it I haven't had one in a long time and I could sure use it. I always say I'm going to do this that, etc. but most of the I wind up doing nothing at all just lounging and watching tv and that's fine I guess b/c I don't get to do nothing very often.

WTF Wednesday

Today is hump day and the title to my blog is exactly how I feel today I didn't get a very good start to my day for one I overslept and my cell alarm never went off even though I have it set to go off even when phone is on silent so I wake up half asleep to scramble to start getting ready and that's a real messed up feeling b/c when we rush we forget things. I managed to get jr up who has no concept of time at all and asks for things he can't have or wants to play or do things that can't be done at that moment. After I'm semi-awake I get dressed pack up my lunch and yogurts waters in tow and get ready for the walk to the bus. Someone must really have it in for me at the MTA LOL they must be tired of hearing from me I wait for yet another 39 bus only for it to be ridiculously crowded again with the school rush and the idiots who act like they don't see me or jr I managed to yet again hold a 30+ lb toddler on a short ride until my shoulders and arms gave up on me and boy were they sore I just held his hand on b/c there wasn't even a pole to hold on to until it was our stop to get off only to plough through the front entrance and walk to the sitter. After he's dropped off I realized I even missed my late bus which is the 7:13 I went to grab some breakfast at dunkin donuts to save myself the trip once I eventually got to the city. It seems like no one has a concept of time when we run late. I keep looking outside paranoid I'd miss the next bus. I got it and crowded yet again. So I broke my #1 rule and pet peeve don't eat on the train but I was starving and it wasn't smelly food so I guess it's ok. I get to work and there's work to do but I'm physically here but my mind is somewhere else. Yesterday I went to the gym and saw my favorite instructor we sang happy bday to him and we had a great class I notice before class started everyone comments about he's one of the best instructors for zumba which is why that class is always packed. I managed to get some work done today but it's not even close to what I normally do I'm just not feeling it today and now that I have to stay an extra 20 minutes time is going to drag by. Today is counseling for us and a part of me doesn't even want to go and I hope it will end on a more positive note even though most of the things addressed are far from positive. It gets easier to talk about things as time goes on but it doesn't make the healing process any easier. I know we're going to talk about the legal things again today and he doesn't realize that these decisions aren't easy but as my therapist says he's already made the decision for you by leaving the marriage but no one realizes the consequences especially financial of these decisions and I sort of feel like he's trying to play on my sympathies b/c he's realizing it. I will try to go in with an open mind and see where this session goes today. I will hope that the trains will be running smoothly today so I won't be too late coming home. I've already set my cell phone alarm to ring off like a bull horn so I won't be late again and it wont a WTF thursday.

daily routine

Yesterday I tried a new class called HIIT. I've never tried it before but this new instructor at the Wall Street gym is no joke and he didn't even use any equipment like weights or the bar, etc. I needed to do this class b/c I was in a real slump I think it was b/c it was Monday and I just felt bored and lazy. It always seems like the day flies by when you come to work late but drags on until the few minutes when you're waiting to punch out. I was crossing my fingers that I'd have an uneventful trip home I caught my first train which was packed but I got the second one at Essex St plus a seat home which is a great bonus. I then had to catch the bus to pick up jr I don't look forward to this b/c of the inconsistencies of the bus service. I waited there what seemed like an eternity get off and notice not one but 4 buses going in the opposite direction and I thought looks like I'm going to have a mighty long wait home grrr now why would dispatch 4 at a time? Makes no sense to me. When it was time to wait for our bus it came fast but I had to go all the way to the back to sit down but heaven forbid anyone give a mother with a small child a seat in the front! I get home the first jr does is go the fridge for a juice box in which I tell him not to touch the fridge until he washes his hands first. Yesterday's dinner was left overs and now I have to come up with a new creation to make for the next two day dinner I was thinking of doing stewed pork chops but I have yet to attempt this even though I've asked my mother for the instructions a million times. What's the worst that can happen I screw it up and it goes to the trash? I guess. Yesterday I felt like a walking pitney bowes machine at work doing all of this mail and we were told that b/c of the redeployment of people and retiring of one person we have to assume some extra responsiblities notice how they don't say we will give you the pay to go along with that and was told I have to take up part of the work the retiree once did and it pissed me off b/c I'm only human not a machine and only so much can be done in 7 hours. I'm not killing myself for no one b/c not even the former employee did. I work at my own pace and mail is tedious and takes up a lot of time. Today I did some more mail and there's a whole batch more and I'm not even worrying about it b/c I have other tasks to do that require my attention. They could resolve this problem very easily find a replacement by calling a number off the city civil service list but they want to be cheap and cry poor yet they have money to hire all of these analysts, scientist and a whole bunch of other glorified titles that you wonder what they heck is the purpose for their paycheck, work station and breathing space here in this office. Yesterday was jr first session with the new therapist and she was 15 minutes late but considering it's 6:00 it's rush hour and traffic is a mess, he took to her very well and what bothered was she didn't even know how she got our case but told us she was approached to take it on, which was weird to me considering I was given another explanation by his former therapist. Anyway she says he has a lot of language and skills for a child with his diagnosis which is a positive and she also says the ADA therapy is more intense but it would help him alot and he may grow out of the PDD with the therapy which I'm crossing my fingers for but if it doesn't happen, it doesn't. She also states that we did a good thing by insisting he be reevaluated b/c some parents don't challenge what they're told well I can tell you I'm not one of those people I'm a lot of things but complacent isn't one of them. I know we will have a battle with the board of ed, cpse, etc. but they better not think that they're going to send my son away empty handed like they the other time around. I'm still waiting for the report from the hospital as it will be very useful for the next mtg. Today I finally to go work on time and did a lunch time zumba class but didn't stay as long today as I didn't want to be late I'd rather go exercising on my lunch break and stay inside and sit at my desk and do nothing and while sometimes I don't mind doing nothing especially at home at work you get bored sleepy, etc. Today is my favorite zumba instructor's birthday at the Astoria gym and they're doing back to back zumba so of course you know I will be making a trip up there today it's been a while since I took his class actually before I went on vacation. Tomorrow will be another counseling session with him and I'm hoping things will end on a more positive note but I feel this is getting tedious and contrary to what the therapists say I think I may stop therapy sessions soon b/c while I know it will help me heal it seems like we revisit things that don't even matter any more but I will see. Yesterday they opened the 9/11 memorial and of course many people got passes to go and see it but I didn't and won't for a while I don't like big crowds #1 and honestly I try not to even think about 9/11 even though that's kind of hard since I work around here but once all of the craziness dies down I may go one day on my lunch break and take a few shots of it it's very painful as I remember the city when it looked totally different but those memories are frozen in time in my mind, old pictures, old magazines, etc. Well it's time to get back to work looking forward to another zumba class this evening.

case of the mondays

Last week seemed to drag by even thought it was a short week and Friday finally came and I was ready to leave and meet up with a friend after work and I forgot to check the subway status and sure enough there were delays on the R train and I waited there for what seemed like an eternity and I hate to be late and I was late alright 1/2 hr. to be exact and the person I met up was also late so we didn't wait much long for each other. Thanks once again MTA for throwing a crank in my plans. We met up at the mall and went to have a meal at applebees and this place was pretty empty for a friday evening but I guess that also has to do with the economy as well a lot of people aren't eating out like before, etc. but I don't mind it once in a while there are a lot of affordable ways to hang out if you use your brain and look for deals. It was nice to meet up with a friend and have some down time but it always seems to go so fast and friday went even faster b/c we got a late start. I will have one free day to myself this weekend which is better than nothing and I can sure use it. This weekend was typical cleaning running errands going to the post office to pick up a pkg. We went to the park afterward for a little while and home for lunch while I continue to muster up the motivation to get this house clean but it seems like as soon I get everything look close to decent jr will mess it up yet again which is frustrating at times. I must sweep a million times a day and vaccum sofa cushions, etc. Yesterday I made some dinner I usually try to make meals that last 2 days I made some chicken cutlets fried not the healthiest option for me but a quick option with some roasted garlic mash potatoes out of a box and some canned vegetables but at least I will have left overs for today when I get home. I'm going to try to see if I can bake them to see if they come out just as good as fried b/c fried isn't healthy at all another experiment for me to conduct in the kitchen. Yesterday we both slept in which was weird b/c jr is usually my instant alarm clock. 8:30 for me is sleeping in considering I get up at 5:30 everyday sometimes even 5. I gave jr his bath last night and put him to bed and watched some TV for a while had a snack but I felt myself dozing off so I went to bed and you can have a million channels on cable and sometimes there's still is nothing worth watching on tv. Today I got up feeling drowsy and lazy and I just think it's a good old fashioned case of the mondays. Mondays is just not my day. I managed to get up on time and make good timing getting ready only to be delayed by the crappy bus service and train service courtesy of the MTA not even my alternative the 6 train came through for me today making me 10 minutes late I'm glad jr therapist isn't coming by till 6:00 today giving me more than enough time to come home and get everything ready. I also cleaned out my drawers taking out old jeans and pants that no longer fit me so now I have to get some jeans and khaki in a smaller size b/c sometimes not even the belt works. Hopefully there are some sales this week or I will have to hold on to them just a little while longer. I ate a little too much yesterday and I'm going to have to work it off today looking at the work out schedules they're no longer offering zumba on Mondays in the Astoria gym only thursdays and fridays which aren't really good for me *sigh* I really liked that teacher. Today they're giving HIIT @ 1:15 in the gym by my job and I'm going to go for it and try it I haven't taken this class before but from what I've seen it's an intense work out and I can sure use it as I ate one cutlet too many a few sweets. I'm still looking for the suggestions for ab exercises I also could use the pick me up as it's 9:00 and I'm still in a slump even though I took the gnc energy supplement kind of makes me wonder if that vitamin pack was just a result of sales tactics we'll see but I must use all the pkgs as it cost me enough if not will try something else. It's 9:00 and time to start working hope my mood will pick up as the day goes on.

Metro - Michael Bloomberg calls terror threat against NYC credible

Metro - Michael Bloomberg calls terror threat against NYC credible

There's a credible threat against the city and I was as millions of other people are scared me even more b/c I work right near the all of it WTC, Park 51, etc. etc. I'm confronted with the reality of 9/11 everyday whether I like it or not and I'm kind of glad that 9/11 falls on a Sunday b/c especially with this threat I probably wouldn't even go in to work if it fell on a Monday or other day during the week. I know that may sound ridiculous to some and it took me a while to get used to the fact that I work in such close proximity to what could be the target of another terrorist attack. I always have everything prepared just in case like wearing sneakers, having my keys, bag and a fully charged cell phone but even with all of that nothing can really prepare you not even the most organized evacuation plans I remember when we felt the shaking due to the VA earth quake you can see the look of panic on people's faces. My main goal would be #1 stay out of the subways #2 Safely get to the williamsburg bridge and walk over it even though i'm terrified of heights My biggest fear is that they would attack the subway system and thanks to intelligence of the military and police many plots and threats have been stopped before they could've inflicted serious damage to the city. I can't believe how 10 years have gone by so fast. I'm praying that they're able to find out more information about this threat and catch them before they do harm to anyone.

Metro - Messages of remembrance

Metro - Messages of remembrance

An underground hero on 9/11: subway operator evacuated passengers and manuevered train to safety after system locked down - NYPOST.com

An underground hero on 9/11: subway operator evacuated passengers and manuevered train to safety after system locked down - NYPOST.com

Thank goodness for this subway operator's quick thinking 800 lives were saved.

Metro - 9/11 first responders denied at memorial service

Metro - 9/11 first responders denied at memorial service

I understand the families are important and I've never been a big fan of our Mayor but to not allow first responders who risk their health, their lives, and some paid with their lives the ultimate sacrifice to help others and not include them in the 9/11 ceremony is such a slap in the face to the people who dedicate their lives everyday as police officers, fire fighters, EMT, to helping the people of our city. Shame on you Bloomberg and not including them in the Zadroga Act either b/c the quacks you appointed are trying to say that there's no proof of cancer or anything else or trying to limit the zone and amount of people to get compensated is kicking people while they're already down.

Rat Attacks Woman In Subway

Rat Attacks Woman In Subway


When I read this article from FOX5 NY News and it scared the crap out of me first off this is where I catch my train and a woman who was waiting for a train was bitten on her foot by a subway rat and was rushed to the hospital. First of all the shock would overcome and then I would be scared of catching any disease, since the subways are very filthy and rats carry tons of germs and disease. MTA says they're doing a good job cleaning the system I doubt it if they had enough rat poison this wouldn't have happened hope she sues them. This area of the train station is also very old and people don't help this problem by throwing garbage on the subway tracks and on the platforms you're just giving them reason to come to the surface and they're getting quite bold. I will not be wearing sandals anytime soon.

Topsy Turvy Thursday

So much for my requests for an uneventful commute and smooth beginning of my day after writing my first entry I went to tackle the pile of dishes in the sink that started to smell not so great as the cat kept meowing for her food finally finishing and spraying the sink down to get rid of the smell emptied trash can and proceeded to jump in the shower after I'm done get dressed and start to prepare my breakfast which is an instant breakfast and I take it out and it turns out to be strawberry instead of chocolate meanwhile the box says chocolate ok there and the rain is pouring down outside and all I feel like doing is crawling right back into bed and getting under my blanket I break open the GNC vitamin pack and take the first part which is the vitamins and energy supplement b/c if there's anything I could use now is a boost of energy and a drink would be real nice too. I go to wake up jr and he doesn't want to wake up can't say I blame him I had to literally pry him out of bed but I wasn't prepared for the the tantrum of the century he threw I tried to be patient with him as he kicked and hit me and I finally had to grab his and sternly tell we had to get ready to no avail b/c he wasn't hearing it I finally lost patient and yelled at him the people in my building must think I'm a real b* or just crazy but when you're under time constraints plus other stress it gets to you and it gets to me too much and too often. I finally get out the front door only to throw the trash in the bsmt. and run for the bus. The tantrum lasted all the way to bus stop and only to see 2 buses one right behind another go right by and all I could was say a few quite 4 letter words to myself as I loathe the MTA and the fact that they could never keep their schedules and service consistent with the needs of the morning rush hour. I realize there's a crowd of ppl waiting at the bus and a bunch of teenagers and it dawned on me that today is the first day of school and I thought WTH now commuting is going to be that much more fun with the school crowds and not enough buses. The MTA slogan "Courtesy is Contagious let it begin with you" is something that doesn't exist in most people's minds I've seen people not give the elderly, pregnant, or women with young kids a seat on the bus or try to bum rush you to get in the bus and boy it makes my blood boil!!! I've went off a few inconsiderate idiots b/c it's being selfish and jeopardizing the safety of the child that being said I notice the teenagers were just going to jump ahead of me with jr and the older ladies and I said oh hell no I ran with him bum rush their rude asses and got on the bus and they just looked at me I had to hold him threw the whole bus ride which thank goodness is a short ride and my shoulders paid the price. I wasn't a teenager that far back and I have to say that the teenagers these days have zero respect for anyone it's all about them and they're quick to get smart with people I think society overall is about themselves. After dropping off jr and venting I run to catch my next bus only to miss and wait for the next. Once it's time for me to catch my train I'm thinking I'll be only 5 minutes late. I get off to catch the train I hate the most the infamous J train only to be stranded for it never to show up and the crowd of people just seemed to get larger and larger on a platform that is not very wide. I couldn't wait for it any longer so I hopped on the M yet again took it for another stop and ran for the 6 train up all of those stairs only for the doors to almost close in my face the energy supplement must've kicked in b/c I pryed those doors open and hopped right in! Finally arriving at the last stop I noticed everyone was in a fog and it showed no one moving at all it must be the weather but nonetheless I was 13 minutes late and can't stay due to yet another appointment this was the fun adventure I had to come and earn a mere bag of shells. I look forward to end of this week and it sure doesn't feel like it's been a short week. I finally took the first pill this morning and feel much more relaxed and I'm crossing my fingers that someone will be able to meet up with me after work tomorrow b/c I could sure use a break.

short week sypnosis

I really wish this rainy weather would stop it doesn't do much for the mood and I need to see the sun already. I think jr has gotten a cold from the change of weather. While it's been a short week it sure hasn't felt like a short work week. I've been up on and off through the night and I know I'm going to feel it tonight but I guess it's because I have a lot on my mind and sometimes this doesn't allow you to get the rest you need note to self take the rx to help you sleep. Yesterday was a long day again consisting of going to the gym and counseling afterward and yesterday I didn't feel as energetic in the gym as I did on Tuesday considering the fact the yesterday was my first day taking this GNC vitamin pack. I did the Just Dance class at the gym and maybe it was b/c we had a different instructor while he's good and energetic he does work you harder and does more jumping and while I've lost some weight I still have to be careful with the jumping and doing certain moves as I don't want to injure my knee or ankles. Once I've lost more weight these things shouldn't bother me as much. After the class I did 30 minutes on the treadmill but only burned 155.5 calories but I also set the machine slower b/c of pain in my knees and ankles I guess everyone is entitled to an off day. Yesterday's counseling session was okay at first I couldn't really find much to talk about in the beginning but we spoke about things that opened up old wounds like the bs with his family, etc. which made me angry and emotional but I noticed this time while I got emotional it wasn't as intense as before I was able to express myself without totally breaking down. He spoke of the divorce proceedings again and spoke of what was discussed with the lawyer and I'm usually pretty good at making decisions but this isn't that cut and dry and a lot of emotions are involved. While I don't undermine the pain of death and losing a loved one at all b/c I do know what that feels like but after a while there's the separation and things get easier with a divorce I think it's worse b/c the person is not dead and when there's a child in the mix and you still have to have contact with one another the healing process is that much more difficult. What he's offering financially for jr is fine with me but I was also told that I'd be entitled to spousal support for 3 yrs which would pretty much leave him broke while a woman scorned would probably wouldn't give a s* it made me think and a small part of me had a twinge of guilt while the extra income would be nice the only thing that's my priority is jr. Pension also came into play and while it wouldn't be much something is better than nothing and I'm not relinquishing that b/c while retirement is a long years away for us who knows what can happen and every little bit helps. He's trying to make this as painless and amicable as possible but it's very difficult and once I read those papers I'm sure I'm not going to like everything in it which is why I'm getting looked over by another attorney before I sign anything. I told him last night no amount of money can take away the pain and the hurt I feel and the ending of a marriage knowing that it didn't work and the reasons it couldn't work I feel like we failed at it and failure is such a bad feeling. I find myself thinking about things I could've done differently what could've been but at the end of the day I realize some things are just not meant to be. It has to be a mutual effort by both parties involved. Last night's counseling session made me realize that impasse we get to regarding his family and other issues are things we will never be on the same page on no matter how many times it's discussed and brought up and at this point it really doesn't matter anymore. He asked if he can watch TV here yesterday b/c there is no TV at his friend's place well how convenient I sarcastically said no tv you two must live a pretty boring existence and I also rubbed it in a little more and said oh he can't have a TV he's too busy singing the kanye west song himself which he says is a low blow but it's the truth. I told him both of them would be singing the same tune very soon. He then asks me to refer to which song and I'm thinking if you have to ask then how is it a low blow? He had 3 wives me, the cable box/dvr, xbox and we start to miss the comforts of home once we no longer have them. I told him not to get to used to the idea as I may be getting rid of cable myself Time Warner is ridiculously expensive and considering my financial situation I'm not sure if I could swing it anymore so if I don't get rid of completely I may downgrade the pkg. I sure wish Verizon Fios would hurry up and come to this area as I've heard it's the same service and cheaper. I also received a call from jr service coordinator mentioning that there's no ADA therapists who work evening hours and I'm thinking WTH more stress? What planet are these people living on? I have to work for a living! I sure wish I could just work part-time or work earlier hours than my 8-4 but that's not my reality or the reality of many other working parents these days who both have to work or have to work more than one job b/c of the ridiculous cost of living these days. She says she will try but she doesn't think she will be successful and considering that I'm going to be single parent in the very near future she's going to have try a little bit harder to find someone at least until my mother moves back to NYC. This is what I hate the most that these city agencies, therapists, always make things harder for parents instead of easier and these endless mtgs with rhetoric and jargon that leave even the person with half a brain in their wondering wth did she just say? Plain english anyone? A pill for relaxation or a drink or two is just what dr ordered about now. Tomorrow is Friday and I just want to chill out no appointments,no gym, nothing. I'm hoping one of my friends will be down to meet up so we can grab a bite to eat or do whatever and considering that I canceled twice on one hopefully my only time to have some real freedom won't be another attempt in vain. Well it's after 5:40 and I've spent all this time blogging when I should've been getting to the pile of dishes that's been there for 2 days and taking out the trash due to the side effects of exhaustion and just plain laziness at times. Hoping for an uneventful commute and an easy day at work and a E train that's not packed like a cattle car at the end of the day hope I will get at least one of these.

back on track

This past weekend was the typical routine with a bonus day off Monday. I was able to get some errands done and have some time to relax. I got a visit from a friend this weekend which is good b/c I don't get to see her all the time. Yesterday was like any typical morning I'm trying to drag myself out of bed and the weather was unseasonably cold in the 60's and raining. Which is totally weird b/c Monday was humid sunny and warm. I actually had to wear a hoody and put long pants on jr. I was able to get to work on time considering that the train stood in the station for what seemed like an eternity. I managed to get a considerable amount of work done and when it was time for lunch I went to the gym and took zumba it was good b/c while I usually go on Thursdays the class on Tuesdays isn't as crowded which gives everyone a lot more space to exercise. After the class the rain really started to come down I went to GNC to look for a fat burner and winded up buying a pkg that comes with the multi-vitamin, energy & metabolism and other things for $29.99 for the first 7 days of the month you get $20 off and other discounts. After work I went to the gym again to kill time before my appointment after 7. I took a new class called kick some abs it was okay after the class was over I did the treadmill for a little over a half hr. I burned 300 calories on the treadmill when I entered all of the food and activity in fitness pal I burned over 940 calories which is great and a first time achievement b/c I've never burned that much since I started exercising. I started keeping track of what I eat through the fitness pal tracker as I got lazy during my vacation days and I didn't realize that when my phone got factory reset I didn't realize I lost the app also. After getting off the treadmill I felt kind of dizzy so I caught my breath and went to the lockeroom and sat for a few seconds. When it was time for me to walk to the office the rain really started to come down which makes a short walk seem longer. My appointment was for 7:15 I didn't get until after that when I actually had to ask what was going on. I can never get what is the point of appointments and scheduling software if you can't keep the times. I talked to her and I was given two rxs to help me sleep and relax. Before she gave them to me I was weighed and since I've started I've lost 26 lbs. but she says I still have to lose more which I know of course. This has encouraged me to keep going and try to keep my diet healthier and avoid sweets and other junk I shouldn't eat. I can't eat it if I don't buy it. It was after 8 pm when I left the office and the weather being bad mr fashion show offered to pick me up and while I probably would've said no on any given occassion the weather and my tiredness made me say yes. Jr was happy to see me and I went to pick up rx and stuff for him. I told him I'd be using his card since my funds are limited and I figure he's the reason behind the rx so why not let him pay for it. When I got home I had my leftovers from the previous night gave jr his bath and put him to bed it was after 9 and I just crashed with him it was a long day but an active one. Today is our counseling session and I'm wondering where this session will go today. I will go to the gym before the session to help me relax and just keep with the weekly exercise routine. I've yet to find an exercise to tone my stomach and abs that doesn't hurt my neck *sigh* if anyone has any suggestions I'd like to hear them b/c it seems like I've lost weight everywhere but not enough in this area. I notice when I jumped I notice a slight jiggle so have work on toning the rear too but not as much as the stomach. I received a call from jr new therapist and we will meet her next week but it's not the specialized therapist I thought we'd get I guess that won't happen until after the mtg. I wish these people would be more clear when they explain things to us. Well off to start another work day hope it will go smooth and be uneventful.

friday is here

Today is Friday and I'm glad it's been one heck of a week. I'm looking forward to the long weekend as I can always use an extra day of rest and even more if I actually had some "me" time. I'm trying to get back on my exercise schedule and tracking what I eat and wow is it hard it seems like there's a million calories in everything and I lost track of keeping track with the fitness pal tracker. I went to the gym twice this week yesterday was zumba at lunch and it was good this instructor while he's not my favorite he's slowed down his pace a little b/c before he was way too fast and I guess they must've told him to slow down b/c there are older people who are in the class and certain medical problems that ppl can't overexert themselves. This week was the counseling session and I had gone to the gym before the session so I felt good and relaxed I held it together for the first half of the session I explained what has happened up to this point with him and I expressed my anger disappointment with him. We both got emotional and he also pissed me off with some of his comments. Yesterday was my own session and it was okay it helps to have someone listen and understand what you're going through. Sometimes the bus ride alone from the gym or therapy is relaxing enough for me provided the buses are running on schedule and I can actually sit down. He watched jr while I was at the session and when I return I find him in the livingroom with jr and jr is happy to see me. When I saw him it was the same get up the american eagle shirt etc. a walking fashion show and those annoying big glasses that I'd love to stomp to pieces. I made it a point to tell he was a walking fashion show and should be on the cover of a magazine. He had bags of food on the floor and when I looked in them he questions why you'd think it was for a rabbit, there was tomatoes, bags of grapes, a bottle of vinegar, and red onions. After this he's ready to go and he says goodbye and my name ____ and I say goodbye and close the door after some time I get a knock on the door and mr fashion show forgets his cell and takes it off the charger and I said goodbye again but this time I couldn't resist the temptation to shout another insult and I said get bent as he walked down the stairs. He made a whole batch of sofrito and tells me saved some for me? huh (twilight zone music) wtf? Is this the actions of someone who no longer feels the same way? Extremely conflicting messages indeed. My therapist says sarcasm is a form of anger but it's wonderfully therapeutic for me to say remarks to him it's better than being depressed. I look at mr match.com and I'm in awe yummy I think to myself and considering the fact that I might as well be a born again virgin makes me think about a lot of things I shouldn't lol. I even looked up the sign Aries and it says both Leo (that's me) and Aries are really good in this area I guess we can all dream and fantasize that's about as far it's going to get for now. I was told by my friend last night to whom I fwd his pic I need to be alone for a while and thing is I don't know how to be alone when you're part of a couple for 11+ yrs. and find yourself alone and possibly back on the scene in the long term it's an extremely scary thing let's face it I've been off the market since 2000 and lots of things have changed since then. If I eventually decide to complete my profile I think I just want a friendship for now and for those of you who think friends with benefits that's also something I won't do. While it seems convenient for some this type of arrangement doesn't work everyone and people always think they have control over this but once you throw sex into the mix it changes things unless you really are focused that's all you want from from the beginning. It's 5 to 1 and I'm ready for lunch I had a soup yesterday and I'm not trying to be bad and eat things I shouldn't but Little Italy Pizza seems to calling my name today one slice shouldn't be too bad. I need to see the sun and take a walk as there are no windows in here.

a new beginning

Yesterday was my first day back and the commute was uneventful I stood home Monday b/c I really didn't feel like dealing with the subways as they were just restored earlier that morning and there was a lot of delays. Since I found out about jr's diagnosis I spoke to the service coordinator and jr will be getting a new therapist and therapy will be more intensive and they will be coming in 5 days a week and I don't really look forward to that b/c it doesn't give me much free time during the week but the therapy is important and neccessary. Today will be jr's last session with one of his therapists and I will miss working with her, she was always friendly professional and he made a great deal of progress with her. I texted her last night to confirm the time she was passing by and I thanked her for services and she says he's made a great deal of progress. It's kind of sad but this is a new beginning and I'm hoping that he will have a good connection with the new therapist since they will be there everyday. It's always scary when a new therapist comes in b/c you never know how jr will react even though he's usually very sociable with most people. Yesterday I was very late to work and made every effort to get up on time today so I can wash last night's dishes and pots empty the trash and clean out the cat's box these are things I should do at night but I'm too tired and lazy from working and the commute. I saw a moth flying around in the house which was gross and the cat went crazy trying to catch it she even jumped in the bath tub and she got it and ate it! I was so grossed out I spanked her on the butt. She ran of course and after I was done showering she still expected to be fed of course. Jr gets up and gives me the usual run for the money to get dressed but out the front door. I miss the bus of course and wait for the next I get to the sitter drop him and it's off to dunkin donuts to pick up breakfast before the next bus and I go in and I see this guy our eyes meet and he keeps staring at me I'm like wth is he looking at inside my mind of course he seems nice but everyone has a type of guy they look for after that I run to catch my bus b/c I don't want to miss yet another one. I managed to be a few minutes late but better than yesterday b/c staying a half hr late is boring. This week he told me that he wants to start the process for the divorce and once again I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I feel sadness and cried but sadness turned to anger and the other bunch of emotions I feel b/c it's only been a week since I returned from vacation and as it's not bad enough that you did the cowardice thing of ending our relationship over the phone, I'm also trying to absorb my son's diagnosis and now the divorce proceedings I'm wondering what the heck the rush is, is there someone else? is always the thought that comes to mind. We exchanged text msgs last night he says that he's not trying to screw me over and wants to see me happy which I don't get b/c if you did wouldn't we still be working on our relationship? This evening will be the counseling session and I'm sure this is not going to be easy. I'm going to try my best to hold it together and not get emotional but that's not always easy. I plan to write everything down once again to stay focused. The good thing is I will be going to the gym before the session which is a good thing b/c I will get to work out and after I work out I'm usually tired but relaxed and usually in a better mood than when I don't. Today I went on the match web site and saw another person who caught my eye I read their profiles which both were interesting and we're both astrologically compatible but I realize I'm no where near ready to give my heart to someone else and this is for entertainment purposes only, I don't let people in that easy and most of my relationships have been long term b/c I'm not someone who jumps from guy to guy or bed to bed as some people do. Someone told me to think about what I want and post in a profile but since I'm not quite ready yet it just might inspire me to do a blog posting about it. Everyone is seeking respect love and acceptance and to find someone who will love you for you isn't easy. There are always people who want to play games and have baggage and it's a gamble we all take when we're on the quest for a companion. Sad how within a few weeks you're life changes just like that I would've never thought I would even be writing about this let alone experiencing it. Being alone isn't easy but I've gotten a little better with sleeping at night usually b/c most of the time I'm so tired the bed is calling my name to think about anything else. I can't wait for Friday to come and this is a good weekend b/c it's a long weekend due to Labor Day weekend. I could use the extra day of rest. I can't believe 9 months of the year has just flown by tomorrow is September 1st. Time as you can see waits for no one.

Irene Aftermath

Well it's over Irene passed NYC and is now some place else. Friday I went to the local Stop & Shop in my area and couldn't believe how stupid the people were acting you would think that they were preparing for the apocalypse. I understand people are afraid and want to be prepared but some people overreact 3 carts of water is a little overkill and stores are also to blame b/c they don't stock enough items like batteries, water, etc. I hate grocery shopping on any given day so I hate it even more when I have to encounter empty shelves when I looked for canned goods and no water and people acting like idiots. Saturday I got some last minute things at the store and went to get some batteries and candles after going to 3 cvs stores I finally find batteries in the 99 cts store which he sarcatiscally says would only last an hour well thank goodness I didn't have to use the radio b/c I was fortunate to not lose power so I just kept watching coverage on TV. However the other residents in low lying areas or by the water weren't so lucky got flooding and power outages plus some uprooted trees and damage to roads. A friend of mine is still without power and I'm hoping that Con Ed will work dilligently to get power restored to all that lost it. This is was the first time except for transit strikes that our transit system was ever shut down but it had to be done for everyone's safety. Transit service resumed today @ 6 am with limited service and a whole bunch of delays and I honestly didn't feel like dealing with all of that chaos so I decided to stay home and hope that by the end of the day they have worked out most of the kinks and I will able to go to work tomorrow. It was scary b/c there was a lot of heavy rain and wind which is why I slept in the livingroom that night and it was very hard to get any sleep but I think that city gov't prepared everyone well and took the neccessary precautions and while it could've been a lot worse we should thank the lord it wasn't but we still have clean up and other issues to fix to get the city back on track and for those morons who claim that the city overreacted well the city took the neccessary precautions to make sure everyone was safe and had they not you all would complain that they hadn't which proves the statement you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Yesterday afternoon I went outside to the corner store and the winds were still very strong just those few steps and I felt like I was going to be blown away. I'm relieved that it's over and everyone can get back to their normal routines. Imagine how the people in the south and midwest feel that they get hurricanes, tornadoes, etc. all the time and the effects are a lot worse than category 1 or tropical storm status. Let's hope things will be uneventful for a while until the real fun begins over here winter and the snow storms and trying to navigate in snow and clean up from it.

MTA To End Subway, Bus Service At Noon Saturday

MTA To End Subway, Bus Service At Noon Saturday

I'm not looking forward to dealing with hurricane Irene or it's effects but as a city employee many of my co-workers have been bombared with phone calls from OEM asking them to report to shelters to work and I'd really like to know how'd they expect us to get there when there is a system wide shut. MTA as much as I loathe them is what moves the city of NY and without no one is going anywhere no one is going to risk their lives getting in a car with rain and winds at high speeds like that I know I wouldn't. A system wide shut down is going to cripple our city and when Monday comes I'm hoping it's up and running so I can get to work provided the after effects aren't too bad but I as well as millions of others can't go no where without the MTA. I will go to the store today and stock up on water canned goods and batteries and I'm sure I will be faced with plenty of chaos as well b/c the media also loves to put the fear into people. I hoping everyone in the North East area has what they need, takes their evacuation order seriously if you live in that zone, and stays safe.

Earthquake Felt in New York City

Earthquake Felt in New York City

The last thing I and millions of other New Yorkers ever expected is that we would experience the effects of an earth quake. It was a sunny busy lunch time in the city where there's tons of people all over the city walking up and down the streets. I went to sit down in the park and eating my frozen yogurt when I felt a rumbling underneath the park bench but I didn't think anything of it since the subway is close by. I then see a man running into the park saying the buildings were shaking. I walked back to work and see everyone in the office in the street heading toward the park and I saw tons of people evacuated from every office building in the area and I naturally thought b/c I work in the downtown area by ground zero that this was terrorist related and considering it that's close to 9/11 was also scared. I have to say that I sure wouldn't want to experience the real thing. According to the news our buildings meet certain guidelines to withstand a quake not like I'd want to be around to confirm this but another scary thing was no one cell phones were working it was ridiculous. I kept getting busy signals, dropped calls, only text was working. I think only Verizon customers had service and even some of them there was problems. It made me want to switch my provider yet again but Verizon is way too expensive but they have the best service in the area. So much for the now network and 4G. Having a cell phone is usually for emergencies as well as daily talking but when it doesn't work in an emergency kind of defeats the purpose. Eventually the department of buildings cleared us to go back in you'd think our mayor would've sent us home but that's asking for too much.

the long awaited diagnosis

Today was jr's evaluation at the Child Development Center in a queens hospital. Whenever you think that it's something it always turns out to be the opposite. I got the news I've wanted to hear for the longest time and it turned out to be the news no parent wants to hear. Jr was diagnosed with PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder) and it falls under the umbrella of autism. I'm devastated. I just want to scream and cry but I was at my desk at my work so I just silently cried at my desk. We always knew there was something that they weren't catching but I just thought it was hyperactivity or ADHD never in a million years I'd expect this response and I'm still trying to digest it. I feel sad, angry, and question why my child, why us? why now? The doctor hasn't graded the evaluation yet but this is her diagnosis based on her observations and while I'm still trying to process all of this b/c I listened to him on the phone and when he said that I felt like I had been punched in the stomach so the sadness shifted into anger. Anger b/c these incompetents at the Board of Education first b/c they denied my son the services that he really needs with no real reason but I also think that besides them being incompetent and wanting to provide the bare minimum of services to kids and families I don't even think my child was properly evaluated and had he been properly evaluated perhaps he would be in a center based school setting well now that we have a name and a diagnosis it's a small relief so at least we know what the next step is he will need the school setting, transportation and additional therapy services than what he's getting now and I now have to look for a CPSE advocate b/c now is when the fight with the Board of Ed and the system is going to begin and I've got my boxing gloves ready for them. No one is going deny my child services just b/c no one wants to do their job anymore but wants to get paid or due to red tape and bureauracy. I tried contacting the service coordinator but just got a voice mail seems like no one picks up their cell phones anymore and I really hate speaking into voicemail I always mess up and have to delete and re record the msg. I can only imagine how many other families the Board of Ed and EI have gotten away with doing this to and it's ridiculous. It makes me realize that you have be to professional yet aggressive and persistent and we the only real advocates for your children are had we not pushed this issue my son probably wouldn't have gotten any additional evaluations. People who go into the professions that help children should do exactly that not nickel and dime people out of things they need like this idiot psychologist did to us now I can see why people rather not even deal with the city and state and go through their private insurance or sacrifice and pay out of pocket you get better services and treated better. I have the woman of Queens EI to thank for this evaluation and hope that things will progress from here. It's an immense amount of stress to be under especially when everything else seems to be going wrong like him moving out. You would think this a time when we should be closer than ever but we are not. I felt the effects of my stress today when my stomach started acting up that's like my body is telling it's just too many things at once. As this week comes to a close I feel disappointed with all that is happening it seems like when it rains it pours and I don't know if I can take on anything else at this point. We are also going to have change our parenting strategies since I've read a little on the topic and now kind of notice little behaviors that were a sign but I was blind to b/c we're not professionals but certain tactics don't work with kids on the spectrum but they always have to have consistency. They say life is a journey but this is one journey I'd rather not take but have to for the well being of my son.

tired thursday

It's thursday and I feel so tired and I didn't even complete a whole week of work. I couldn't sleep last night and insomnia is the worst especially when you need to get up early the next morning. I guess I fell asleep eventually but it wasn't a good rest and all that I have in my mind and on my plate doesn't help things. I get up this morning dragging to get ready and jr woke up on his own and I got him ready emptied trash and was out the door to catch my bus only to miss it b/c I got delayed with the trash. Since I've gotten back Monday I've been in a fog my suitcases are still unpacked so I've been living out of them and I spoke with a friend yesterday which helped me a little but there are times of the day where I feel really down and depressed. Tomorrow is jr visit at the child development center and I still haven't received the referral for the visit and I called the office some time last week or before requesting this information and the dr acted liked he didn't know what I was talking about meanwhile I had spoken to him a few weeks back this is very annoying when you have to deal with the incompetence of other people and I'm not rescheduling this appointment b/c LIJ doesn't have openings until October and the sooner the evaluation process starts the sooner we can know what steps to take depending on the doctor's findings. I'm hoping to hear from them by the end of the day. Closed the joint acct yesterday and I didn't expect that I'd be without a debit card until it came in the mail it feels weird b/c I'm not used to paying in cash I've gotten so used to swiping a card that it feels weird to me. Things are slow here and that doesn't help at all b/c the day drags on and I feel sleepy unless I'm talking to someone or I put on my mp3 and listen to music while I work. I dropped of jr today and I got no apology from them for canceling at the last minute which is totally inexcusable. If I had it my way I would've found another provider a long time ago. I'm crossing my fingers that he's able to go to a program or headstart b/c I'm kind of tired of dealing with group home daycares while they're a less expensive option and are licensed by the city they're like a franchise some are run very well and the people are professional and others like to make up the rules as they go along and very disorganized. Sadly many parents choose them b/c of the cost since many of these schools make their tuition so ridiculously expensive that it's out of reach for most parents especially single parents. Today it looks like it's going to rain it feels more humid than usual so that's a sign of rain made sure I had my umbrella with me and I'm crossing my fingers that it's not thundering and lightning like one time I had to see my therapist I get out of the train and it looked like a river on Queens Blvd and I saw the bolts of lightning and loud thunder I stood under a scaffolding until it stopped and was safe to walk. This session I will discuss what has happened up to this point and I'm hoping that maybe even someone in the office can help with the housing information. This weekend I have my work cut out for me :( which consists of unpacking my suitcases and giving the place a good cleaning. I'm trying to keep the laundry under control so that I'm able to either do it myself or drop it off and keep the cost down we'll see how that works. I hope to be back in the daily swing of things next week. I'm trying to get back on track with the diet and exercise but the diet needs work. I've been bad and last night I ate sweets late which is a definite no no but I can be an emotional eater as I said last night which is something I have to stop. When I looked at the calories on the package of cookies it was only 2 in a pkg I couldn't believe it but they were good going down. I also want to clear out more things in the apartment but this is going to take time. I've decided to let him keep the lap top I have the old pc at home but eventually I want to get a lap top or netbook, I even pondered getting a mac air book or ipad2. I love Mac but they're expensive as heck and I have not a clue of how to work on them. My aunt in Florida has a Mac and it's gorgeous I went to her house to try to use the internet and I stood there frozen trying to figure out how to get on the internet thinking where the heck is the blue E for internet explorer or any other browser well I didn't figure it out until after the fact that the Mac browser is Safari. Well at least I learned that much so I'm still pondering that choice until I at least have some more money or get some additional training. I do like portability of a lap top or ipad. I also wish Verizon wirless wasn't out of reach to me b/c they're one of the best services out there but with my credit and their high priced plans especially data it isn't cost effective this earth quake scare made me ponder switching yet again b/c my phone was a joke that day. Busy signals dropped calls only texting for a while so much for the now network and 4G. Now they're talking about hurricane Irene give us some time to absorb the quake first and possible evacuations since I don't live in any towns near water I don't feel scared but I've seen how bad weather can affect things I just want to make sure I have enough food supplies in the house just in case. Just got a call from the therapist about the cancelation and I felt bad about it and told her about our situation I told her it was better to talk to him directly I really don't feel like dealing with him and since HE is the one who ended things let him face the music and explain to her the reason behind his actions and if he wants to continue. I know I will continue on to heal and improve my own mental health and self-esteem. It's after 10 and I got to start getting to work.